Dating single father-problems

Jenneke87

In June I started dating a single father. We hit off really well and I knew before we met that he had two young children. As much as I like him the situation is complicated and I don't know whether to wait or to move on. 
1: I have a massive cat allergy and he has four cats. Even when I take anti-allergy tablets I will still have a very strong reaction to them. The last time it was so severe that I developed respiratory problems that lasted even into the following day and left me unable to work. I told him I was really sorry but as long as these cats are there, I cannot come over. He said that two of the cats will go to his ex-wife but that's still two remaining cats in the house and I can't be near them. That means that he either has to come to my place or we meet up somewhere however...
2: He has two young children between 1-5 and he has full custody of them as the mother as a range of mental problems that leaves her unable to take care of them. He refuses to hire a babysitter as he doesn't trust anyone with his children. Usually his mother minds them when we meet up (whenever she's able to) or he brings them to his ex. She, however, can barely handle them and will often call him after 1 or 2 hours saying she can't take anymore and he has to come and pick them up, which cuts our dates together short. A number of times he had to cancel because she wasn't in a right state of mind to take the children. I have never given him a hard time over this and I understand his children will always come first as they should, but I feel like I'm missing out on really getting to know him. Since we've met, we were only able to have 3 full days together. The rest are stolen hours here and there. He also continuously sends me messages about the children: pictures, how they are doing, what they've done that day etc. which is sweet but I'm in no way involved in their lives and it seems a bit much. I understand he's very proud of them but I don't need to know (yet) their every move..
Another thing that's bothering me is a comment that he recently made. We were in the pub having a drink when out of nowhere he started giving me this " if you ever hurt my children I will hurt you" speech and I was sitting there baffled. I told him that this was uncalled for as I haven't even met them yet and wasn't really impressed with his little speech. He just give me a smile and said:" just making sure." I let it slide as I didn't want to cause a scene right there and then but it doesn't really sit well..
I would really like for us to spend more time together, but I just don't see how, given the current circumstances. Am I mad in waiting this one out?

dartboardio

Ah Jesus get rid. Serious baggage there and it doesn’t even sound like he’s that nice of a guy if he wasn’t willing to accommodate the cat situation in the slightest. Sounds like a messy situation all around and I wouldn’t fancy getting involved. He’s shown you what it’ll be like for your relationship, get out!

Dial Hard

Waaaaaay too much hassle even if it was just the cats and the kids, but that comment? Nope, no way. I'd be gonzo.

LegacyUser

Hi op,
Sounds like u really want to give it a shot but theres 2 pretty big things stopping/ slowing down Ye getting to know each other how you feel you should be.. The cat issue could be solved as in they could go if he'd be prepared to do that for u long-term but the children will always be there.
They will always be his priority and their needs will always have to be met. My experience of a similar situation is that This will effect your relationship/ time together / current plans / future plans always. You can't just be in a relationship with him. Even at the start when it's just the two of you,before you meet the kids,they are still on the sidelines n it never gets easier. the more you get involved with him the more you get involved with his children and also the complications of an ex partner aswell.
It is workable but it is hard. You can have a loving rewarding relationship but it will always take hard work, acceptance and sacrifice. You need to ask yourself if your willing to share being his first priority if the relationship progresses. Trust your gut.

Whispered

If you hurt my kids I'll hurt you?

OP I would walk over everybody I know for my child. It's a normal way to feel about your kids, it's a bit odd saying that he'd hurt you though? What was the lead up to him saying that, does it make sense in the context? Did he mean you personally or a general you?

Otherwise, I'd imagine it's par for the course. I have friends who wouldn't be interested in single fathers because of the complications. Its all the more complicated because he has full custody so you can't even make do with every second weekend or whatever. Its probably not going to change so I guess the choice is yours. If it was to continue as it is, could you be bothered?

lawred2

Move on

Neyite

I agree with Whispered - it's a very odd thing to say as a parent. Quite frankly, if you were the kind of person to hurt kids, you'd not be let within an asses roar of them by most parent's standards. And if you aren't, why say it?

Then the cat allergy. He might be a total ride but if you are having to take the next day off work because you have cat allergies then it's going to be a non starter. I briefly minded a cat for someone in a flat that had leather sofas, blinds and hard floors and so was theoretically easy to clear of cat dander when my partner showed signs of a cat allergy but it was surprisingly difficult to rid our home of the dander. We had it hanging around for weeks after the cat went back to it's owner.

We didn't get sitters for our child, or maybe once a year. So I kind of get that, but - he can't say he's dating if he never leaves the house. That's a booty call, Jenny.

I think that you can do much better than a bloke who's currently in the baby years with an unbalanced ex, a heap of animals that affect your health severely and where you can't even go out for a night with.

leggo

This doesn't work. Cat allergy vs cat lover alone makes it a non-runner from the get-go. Like you can fancy each other and have great craic but there are hundreds of people that can also be true of and, truth be told, that stuff is only really relevant for the first year or so. Then it becomes about being best friends and moulding your life together: you're struggling to do that when it should be easy. You're in the early stages still dating and doing fun stuff, when you haven't got into a proper routine or built a life together, and it's not working. I've said it on here before and I'll say it again but it's irresponsible on a single parent's part if they've got into dating and haven't got time or space in their life to do so. That's the case here also. The way things are, fast-forward things and the only way it'd work is if you didn't get the chance to have a normal relationship with stuff like breaks away and holidays in the early days, took a HUGE punt and moved in together for the sake of getting to spend more time with each other, then you'd effectively become these children's stepmother, which it doesn't sound like you're particularly enthusiastic about.

Not to mention the small matter that now he's threatening you unprovoked. I get the anxiety of a single parent to be up front from as early as possible that their children are their priority and they will protect them above all else, but that's such a weird way to go about it. The word 'hurt' there sounds like he means it physically, and when given the chance to clarify it, he just smiled and took a sip of his pint?! Take him at his word there and run. "People tell us who they are all the time, but we ignore it, because we want them to be who we want them to be." He's after giving you a glimpse of who he really is there and it's not pretty, whatever he meant.

I get that you mightn't want to go back to single life, or you may like aspects of him and think you can change the rest in time, or whatever reasons you have to blow by these important red flags. But you're being told across the board so far that this relationship doesn't work. Take the advice for your own benefit or you'll likely find yourself back here embedded in a much worse situation down the line.

Idle Passerby

Jenneke87 wrote: »

" if you ever hurt my children I will hurt you" speech and I was sitting there baffled. I told him that this was uncalled for as I haven't even met them yet and wasn't really impressed with his little speech. He just give me a smile and said:" just making sure."

That's unhinged. What sort of a person threatens their new partner just to "make sure"? Your getting a raw deal here anyway, if anything he should be trying harder to accommodate you. His bizarre threat sounds like an early warning sign of a controlling person. He's letting you know if you step out of line you can expect to be punished. Jump ship now.

Plopsu

Could the 'hurt my children' thing be related to his previous relationship? Seems pretty odd to even consider that somebody might do that unless he has some major baggage in the area. His response to what you said was just weird, though.

Ursus Horribilis

Jenneke, I mean this in the nicest possible way but you seem to have a bit of a track record of dating men who don't treat you very well. This man is yet another of them. As everyone has said already in this thread, it's time to get rid. I'm glad you post on Personal Issues about these guys and that you're wise enough to take the advice and get rid of them. But maybe it's time to take a step back and figure out what is and isn't a red line for you?

osarusan

Right up until the comment he made in the pub, I was feeling as sorry for him as for you.
He has a lot on his plate, and stuff like an allergy to cats is nobody's fault.

But that comment about hurting his kids was bizarre, and fairly scary in a way. I can't imagine what he meant by it, or what message he expected you to take from it.

Mistrryman

There must be half a dozen red flags

Get out of there

Sephiroth_dude

I would have ran after his little speech in the pub, end it, sounds like too much work.

TheIronyMaiden

OP, the start of the relationship is meant to be the fun, easy part. Things will only get worse for you here. Leave him to it I think, look after yourself!

Emme

Idle Passerby wrote: »

That's unhinged. What sort of a person threatens their new partner just to "make sure"? Your getting a raw deal here anyway, if anything he should be trying harder to accommodate you. His bizarre threat sounds like an early warning sign of a controlling person. He's letting you know if you step out of line you can expect to be punished. Jump ship now.

I agree that it's disconcerting and a sign of a controlling person. HE says his ex has mental problems - she may well have now but she might not have before she met him. Seriously a lot of controlling people will say that their ex or exes have mental problems.

All things considered (cat allergy etc.) he's not worth the hassle and he doesn't sound like he would be good for you.

Walk away.

Pelvis

He threatened you and you're still with him????

Wabbit Ears

Op. Read your own post to yourself out loud.

After you go, "what the hell am i doing with this guy" just dump him by text and block all his social media. And get a guard dog. Sleep with a baseball bat. Change your name and move country perhaps. I dunno. What do people do after they dump a complete freak who drove his last wife to insanity? (Wow, some leap of logic there, tut tut)

orthsquel

There's something very unsettling about him, and whatever it is, you should run for the hills and never, ever look back.

Pushing photos of his kids, while "cute" reads more of someone who has no other interaction and all too much, far too soon and I'd be very uncomfortable being sent those pictures of kids I don't even know.

Child care will often fall through, however, his home situation sounds a bit chaotic and disorganised. His lack of trust towards anyone to look after them.... sounds like there is a backstory, especially the comment in the pub.

It doesn't sound in any way that he is ready for a relationship in practical terms with a lot going on, but there's something unsettling about what you've posted about his comment.

I don't see how in any case it is going to work, even in short term. Seems like way too much work and far far too much baggage and probably a lot going on behind the scenes you don't know about.

TheBoyConor

Sound's like a lot of theatrics for a short relationship.

Life is too short for this level of drama and you don't even know him that long.
He's got a serious amount of drama and baggage following him around

Cut him loose and you should find a guy who doesn't have such a lengthy CV.
Obviously separated or single fathers have baggage and commitments so are best avoided if you value a drama free relationship.

He's not a good catch op. Break up by text because it sounds like he'll be the type to whine and whinge in a face to face breakup. Text him the way it is and block and delete on all social media and block his number.

RhubarbCrumble

Dump him. Now. That little speech he gave was beyond freaky. I'm not surprised his ex has mental health issues.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm allergic to cats, and it's no joke. My mother has "an outdoor cat", within 20 minutes of being in the house I'll have an itchy throat and runny eyes. I simply could not be in a relationship with someone who has cats. Same way as I would choose not to be in a relationship with someone who smokes.

There are too many issues with this relationship and I don't see why you think you need to tough it out. And to be honest, you shouldn't really have to tough out the early days of a relationship.

Purple Mountain

Aside from the cat issue, an ex with mental health issues is going to be a big barrier to overcome.
He'll always be at her beck and call where there are children concerned.
If it was a single dad with no complications, then great, you might make a compromise over the cats. But I'm around long enough to know where there is an over depending attachment with an ex through children you'll always be third (or 4th after the cats) fiddle.
I'm sorry OP, but this has disaster written all over it.

TheBoyConor

Too much baggage OP. Just dump him.
Life's too short to be dealing with people who bring baggage and drama with them.

LegacyUser

If he wont make time for you in his life then you really cant have a relationship.

The cat allergies is a bit crazy - hes basically choosing his cats over seeing you..

That comment in the pub was a little scary to be honest. I dont think anyone has ever said anything like that to me in my life, and i struggle to understand why he would say something like that.

Im a single parent too, so i can relate to the situation - but to be honest with you it sounds to me like he's not giving you the time you deserve to have any form of meaningful relationship.