30 and feel like a failure

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to read.
Hopefully the advice given can help others in a similar situation

A bit of back story, I grew up a child of 2 alcoholic parents with my dad (who passed away 10 years ago) being really bad,he was not a social drinker and would drink every single night in the house while I grew up, as I got older I realised my mam was an alcholic aswell but not to the same extent.
I am bringing this up, because I think this had a big part to play in developing general anxiety and social anxiety (especially in my twenties).

In the last year, I have done more than the last 10 years put together,i am renting a place at the moment (so first time out of the family home),I am saving every month aswell,i work in a gym as a trainer (something I also put of for years) and a lot of members of the gym comment how good I am and I get glowing reviews.
I also work weekends in something unrelated for extra money but in the last year after overcoming social anxiety, I look back on how many years I wasted and how far behind my peers I am ( don't own a house,no girlfriend).

I am single 3 years now, the breakup of that relationship really hit me hard but I said to myself when it happened, I really need to get my stuff together,people say I am good looking guy (even other lads in work say it in a jokey way) but I never feel good enough with anything I do,I have always felt a bit different or "weird" compared to others,looking back now I feel like a lot has got to do with my upbringing or am I using that as an excuse ??

And would my past be a turn off for a future girlfriend ??

Sorry for the long post and thanks again for taking the time to read.

Cheers

vectorvictor

I think we all feel different , weird or like we are following a different script than the rest of the world at some stage.

You sound like you are doing alot of positive things. It is what's happening now that matters , you can't change the past and it shouldn't be allowed to dictate your future.

Worry about yourself and not potential girlfriends, once you are happy and content you will project that and that is what is attractive in a partner. Your past is your own and anybody who doesn't like or can't accept it doesn't have a place in your life.

Keep the head up, plenty of exercise and when you start to dwell about where you are in life remind yourself of all the positive things you have going on. Keep busy with work and activities, ideally you should be absolutely shattered by the evening time and have something to immediately jump into when you wake up. Keeps the head healthy and avoids death by duvet!

A bit of counselling could be good too. Just to have that weekly vent and get things into perspective or try some of the mindfulness apps. I thought these were airy fairy suggestions when I got them but they worked for me.

Sleepy

You're still young, you're in good shape (as a PT I'm taking that as a given), you have some savings and no financial or practical baggage like children from a failed relationship or a celtic-tiger property in negative equity and as my 9 year old could tell you: all the coolest people are weird As long as you're a decent human being to go along with all that, you're a pretty decent catch for some girl.

If you haven't done so already (or even if you did before) consider doing some solo travelling. I found it helped with my social anxiety for a few years afterwards as it forces you to interact with strangers but effectively on "cheat mode" as you'll have some common ground with anyone you meet in hostels / campsites etc. and the same conversation starters (where are you from? where have you been? where are you headed next? etc) work over and over until you start to develop a natural confidence in conversing with stragers. As you're into fitness, maybe consider doing it on a bike and blogging about it, a 3/4 month spin across to Istanbul (or year long trek over-land to China or similar) could be a positive for your brand as a PT if you blogged about it / posted on social media about it etc. If I was 30 again with no family commitments I'd love to do something like it, and tbh, day-dream about doing it regularly!

LegacyUser

Hi op here,

Thanks for the responses, I solo travelled to peru after I just broke up with my ex,it was probably too soon to go, as I was still not over her and a lot of stuff was going through my mind but in saying that travelling solo was enjoyable.

It is probably in my own head that I am not a good catch, in my own head I talk myself down a lot but can put on a brave face in work an come across as confident and "popular" but inside I never ever feel good enough.

yeah I work as a "pt" and have gained a really good reputation, I have side business the weekend so I do be busy with work a lot.

I have really put my head down over the few years and worked hard but I still have that feeling of not being good enough.

Icepick

You are on the right track - focusing on your development and setting things up for a good future.
The next big step is to sort out things in your head - less pressure and overthinking. Some of it will come as you get more experience in your 'new life', when you meet new people and find out that your weird feelings were not based on reality.
And you are not behind at all. In fact, not being anchored to an expensive property or relationship is ideal at your age.

wylo

OP, it sounds like this has everything to do with your upbringing/childhood and nothing to do with your actual real successes etc that are contradictory to your beliefs of how much of a failure you feel you are.

I think having two alcoholic parents (and maybe more issues surrounding that that you havent even acknowledged to yourself) will lead you in two directions, copying them or going against them. It sounds like the latter is happening.

If its the latter, then its no surprise that nothing is ever going to be enough.

I know its a bit of a cop out answer, sometimes I feel like Im giving this suggestion too much but I suggest you have a chat with a therapist about this and see where it leads you. Failing that, start looking into meditation and spiritual practice stuff/buddhist stuff. Basically everything they teach is about dealing with the inherent belief that you are never enough.

TheBoyConor

Unless, you're a serious criminal or there's some other MAJOR big crazy event in your past, a person's past isn't a turn off for people. Many people have had less than ideal pasts and certainly alcoholism in the family is run of the mill enough. I would even say that to have a family member who is an alcoholic is common and, unfortunately, nearly normal for many many people.

However what is absolutely 110% a total turn off for people is a lack of confidence and insecurity. Even if it is well masked, people can sense it. They can smell it.

If you feel you have confidence or self esteem issues there are many ways you can work to address these and it is this which will be key to your ability to date successfully rather what happened in your past.

poisonated

I found meetup quite a help with my social anxiety. I would recommend that. There is even a meetup for people with social anxiety (I haven't tried that so can't recommend/warn to avoid.

Niamho_M

You sound like a really nice guy and the fact that you're reaching out at all is a huge step in the right direction. I have just recently turned thirty and have to regularly remind myself that it's ok to be single, not own a house or have my dream job yet even if everyone around you - friends/colleagues have their "sh*t" together at the same age(or even younger!). Don't put too much pressure on yourself, there are plenty of people in the same boat. I mean it can't just be the two of us right?!

After a big breakup a couple of years ago I found counselling so beneficial in dealing with the anxiety issues it brought up in me. Don't rule out medication either, if you give counselling a go and it doesn't help than it might be worth a try to talk to your GP about alternative options. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't advise medication for everyone but it really does help some people so much, me included! I'm on a low dose anti depressant/anti anxiety medication, combined with regular counselling sessions and just being open about mental health with the people around me, it really has made all the difference!

Best of luck.

Jay Pentatonic

You've overcome the trauma of growing up with TWO alcoholic parents.
You've overcome social anxiety.
You're renting a place of your own now.
You're saving money at the same time.
You're working 2 jobs and also have a good reputation at work.
You're a good looking guy who's also in good shape
You've achieved all of this and you're only 30...

...damn, wish I had my sh*t together as much as you!
Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing exceptionally well.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone op here,

Thank you for the repsonses,to be honest i am taking back by them (in a good way),i am starting to think maybe i am not a "failure" and i have overcame alot especially when you see someone else write them down..

zapper55

I think journaling every day would be great for you. Even 3 things a day you are grateful for would really help your mindset.

Also nothing you've described would put off the right woman.