Am I selfish for wanting to avoid family Christening

LegacyUser

Apologies in advance for how petty and negative this post may come across but I just want some advice on how I’m feeling and if I just need to get over myself.

So I’m a 31 year old woman and am single. Have had my heart broken by my most recent ex and the last guy I was dating stopped texting me after I wouldn’t send him naked pictures of myself. So at the moment I’m disillusioned with dating and all that goes with it.

My own family life was never the best due to my mothers mental health problems and her failure to get help after numerous attempts by various family members. I spent my teenage years vowing to myself that when I had children, they would be secure, loved and feel supported which is the exact opposite to how my early years turned out. For as long as I’ve known I’ve wanted kids, marriage and have always thought that the most important thing in life is having your kids, family and going through life’s ups and downs together. I work with kids every day and I love my job. Some colleagues have no interest having children as they find it difficult enough working with them all day and they look at me like I’ve ten heads when I have often mentioned “if I have kids .....”. I love spending time with children in general and have babysat for two friends on regular occasions and as weird as it might sound, I get great joy out of it and I look forward to being asked to do it again.

My issue is that I have a large extended family and would be close to my cousins. The first cousin to have children 8 or 9 years ago invited us to the Christening so obviously this has continued with all other cousins in subsequent years. At the beginning I loved going to the Christenings seeing everybody and they were a great way for family to catch up. However I’ve found the last few really difficult. Every time a child was in my arms, someone would say “that’s good practice for you now”, “ suits you down to the ground”. On a few occasions I have overheard people ask my brother “ is she with anyone, why not, what’s wrong”. I see the pitying looks they give me as they ask my brother this and I just find it really upsetting.

It’s not for want of trying that I haven’t met someone, I’ve tried online with varying success. The last guy I was with I bumped into on a random night out and when he was home for a wkend (long distance relationship) he told me he wasn’t looking forward to seeing me over text and that was it. He never replied to a message I sent asking to meet up and haven’t heard from him since. I went on three dates with a guy and we had been getting on really well until he stopped texting because I wouldn’t send a naked picture of myself to him. I feel the decent guys are so few and far between that I’ve all but given up on ever meeting one.

I know this sounds ridiculous and I’ve berated myself enough for feeling this way but I felt so down after the last two family christenings I attended. Between the comments and people asking my brother what’s wrong that I’m not seeing someone, seeing all the children and feeling like I’lll possibly never have that family that I’ve always wanted, I burst into tears the minute I left the last two Christenings to drive home. I guess it’s really hard being in a room full of people who all have their husbands/boyfriends and children and me being the only one out of 10 siblings and brothers who is there on my own. If I never wanted a partner and kids it would be different but I do. I beat myself up for feeling this way after the first one and told myself to cop on but when I was at the last one a year ago, I felt the exact same way as the well meaning comments were still being made.

Another cousin had a baby a couple of months ago and the Christening is coming up. I feel really selfish for saying it but I don’t think I can face it. Am I being selfish and stupid for not going?! Should I suck it up and get on with it and put on a brave face? Has anybody ever felt the way I have at these things or are my feelings normal?

wylo

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to go, for any reason, but especially for your reason, and especially a cousins one!! Unfortunately the world may not see it like that, or maybe thats in your own head.

So if you're feeling the pressure and you really dont wanna go then just come up with a practical excuse and dont go.

Seriously, you dont have to go, its not that a big deal. Its hardly a funeral like, it will be barely noticed especially if you have a handy excuse.

Christenings arent something that live long in peoples memories.

Big Bag of Chips

You won't be the only one who has to turn down the invite. People decline invitations to things all the time, for all sorts of reasons. And rarely do people come after them to hound them about why they're not going!

Just let your cousin know you can't make it. It's not an issue.

Bootlegger

Being down about your love life is really not a good enough excuse to skip an important family event.

ongarboy

Bootlegger wrote: »

Being down about your love life is really not a good enough excuse to skip an important family event.

Seriously?? How is a cousin's child's christening in a large extended family an important family event for OP? I only ever attend my siblings children's christenings and maybe one or two particularly close cousin or friends. I wouldn't go to anyone elses and it wouldn't be expected. Even if I was invited, it wouldn't be a blow to the host if I couldn't attend. I'd assume most would think this way.

OP, politely decline well in advance and treat yourself to something nice that day.

woodchuck

Bootlegger wrote: »

Being down about your love life is really not a good enough excuse to skip an important family event.

I wouldn't consider the christening of a cousins baby an important family event!

And she doesn't need to give an excuse, she can just say that she's unable to attend. If pushed she just say she already has other plans for that day.

For what it's worth OP, I completely understand. I went through something similar after the break up of a long term relationship. I sucked it up for big events like weddings of close friends, but I don't think it would be a big deal at all to skip a christening.

lawred2

Just make up a work related excuse and swerve it. No big deal. It's only a christening.

Addle

Bootlegger wrote: »

Being down about your love life is really not a good enough excuse to skip an important family event.

I agree.
How many occasions involving close family (who I presume will also be at the christening) will you miss in the future for the same reason if you can't cope now?
Do you think it'll get easier?

Yellow pack crisps

It is not bad to skip a christening. It is not good to skip it because of what you outlined though. You have to learn how to deal with these things as opposed to avoiding them. Honesty can be a great rebuke. “I have not met anyone who I want to have a family with, yet, but thanks for asking” I guarantee if you answer with honesty people don’t tend to ask again. It feels like you’re putting yourself under pressure to meet someone and that very rarely works out well. I would say just take a deep breath and live life and find enjoyment in things you like and maybe you will get what you want. There are plenty of decent nice guys out there who want the same things you want.

Wanderer2010

Addle wrote: »

I agree.
How many occasions involving close family (who I presume will also be at the christening) will you miss in the future for the same reason if you can't cope now?
Do you think it'll get easier?

Put yourself in the OPs shoes though. Maybe they are uncomfortable about constantly being asked personal and nosey questions from family members throughout the day. I would certainly hate that carry on at an event and I wouldn't go if I knew that was facing me.
Have you ever had to deal with anything like that? Maybe not, maybe you always had a partner etc but look at it from their point of view.

Ursus Horribilis

Skipping this christening's no big deal. Tell your cousin you can't go and it'll soon be forgotten about.

Having said that, I'd be a little bit concerned that this could turn into a pattern for you. Once you skip this christening, you'll skip the next one and the next one. It's obvious that these family gatherings are touching some very sensitive points. Your desire to have children and your difficulties in finding Mr Right. I daresay your age is starting to niggle at you too.

I also would worry that you're leaving these christenings and bursting into tears. It has happened twice now and going by what you've told us here, it wouldn't be surprising if it happened again. Christenings and comments from relatives shouldn't be reducing you to tears. For whatever reasons, you've become over-sensitive.

Have you ever been to counselling over what you went through growing up? Is there a possibility that your overwhelming desire to have the husband and the 2.4 kids and the picket fence is a reaction to the home you never had? Don't get me wrong - most of us want these things for ourselves. But there is something about the way you're writing that's just that little bit more fevered or something.

iamwhoiam

My advice is act like you are going . Then at last minute you have a tummy bug and really don't want to risk passing it on to the baby .

Addle

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Put yourself in the OPs shoes though. Maybe they are uncomfortable about constantly being asked personal and nosey questions from family members throughout the day. I would certainly hate that carry on at an event and I wouldn't go if I knew that was facing me.
Have you ever had to deal with anything like that? Maybe not, maybe you always had a partner etc but look at it from their point of view.

I know all about it.
And I wouldn't miss happy family occasions because of it.

People mostly just say things like that for the sake of saying something.
OP, maybe start a different conversation with party guests instead.

Ursus Horribilis

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Put yourself in the OPs shoes though. Maybe they are uncomfortable about constantly being asked personal and nosey questions from family members throughout the day. I would certainly hate that carry on at an event and I wouldn't go if I knew that was facing me.
Have you ever had to deal with anything like that? Maybe not, maybe you always had a partner etc but look at it from their point of view.

Yep, I've been there. I went through a phase where I thought I was terminally single and starting to wonder would I ever meet someone. At worst I felt a bit odd or like a spare at times - usually at family weddings rather than christenings. I've fielded the questions from the well-meaning relatives as well and passed them off with wisecracks. I never ever came close to tears. That's the concerning part.

Larbre34

Bootlegger wrote: »

Being down about your love life is really not a good enough excuse to skip an important family event.

Its only an important family event for the immediate family of the child and maybe the godparents and grandparents. Anyone else is really rent- a- crowd.

It comes down to this. The OP is an adult, nobody is going to drag her along by the arm. If she feels bad in herself at these sort of events, then its perfectly legitimate to stay away. No made up excuses necessary, a simple but polite 'I can't make it, hope the day goes well' is more than sufficient.

I know some people who have had fertility problems and the like and for whom pregnancies, births and baby focussed events in family or friends can be very upsetting. In that case they keep distance when necessary and again thats nobodies business but their own. I know this isnt the OPs issue, but the same principle applies, adults are entitled to take reasonable decisions that don't hurt anyone else and not be interrogated for them.

PS, OP you're not being selfish in the least.

OP, if you’re not keen on being there, don’t be there. The whole point of a christening is religious. Unless you have faith and your presence is important, your attendance is entirely secondary to what’s supposed to be taking place. I don’t believe any religious nonsense so I don’t attend these kinds of rituals, as a general rule. For those that do, remember what it’s supposed to be about and behave in line with the teachings of your faith. Be ‘christianly’ kind, at least for the day.

BTW, you can’t choose who your relatives are, but they don’t have to constitute ‘family’. If you don’t want to suffer their stupidity, It’s perfectly okay for you to cut those kinds of people in two (verbally anyway) if they have the cheek to pass remarks such as those you overheard. It’d be perfectly deserved.

LegacyUser

Don't go op and don't feel bad.

I completely understand how you feel - am older than you too. When I was in a relationship I would say go, I have a different outlook when in a relationship than single. I have more confidence while in a relationship if I'm being honest so I get why those who say you should go say it.

I also get how hard it is to listen to people when you don't feel upto it.

Apologise you can't be there and send a card/gift. No reason to explain.

Hope you find the happiness you deserve.

Ghekko

Personally I'd hate to be so involved in my extended family's lives that I'd get invited to cousins baby's christenings. We don't even get invited to all the weddings. I'd have no problem saying no and not making excuses. We turned down a family members wedding invite this year as it simply didn't suit but we didn't say anymore than we were declining the invite. Op just thank your cousin for the invite and say you are unavailable that weekend. Don't offer any excuse but it they are rude enough to ask why, simply say you are not around, keep it vague.

ruahead

You are normal, give yourself a break !!it's natural to feel like this, accept it and don't go. It's cousin not a close family member. Feel sad and then say to yourself, I feel like this, it's OK and change focus. Mindfulness taught me this, very helpful when dealing with negative emotions !

Edgware

"Thank you but I can't make it. Hope ye have a great day". End of problem