Obsessed with food

ElizaBennett

Hi, would love to hear from anyone with experience of this. Partner's daughter is 7 and quite overweight. She's always been totally obsessed with food and I find it very difficult to deal with and don't know if it's normal or not. I guess that's what I want to find out if possible from hearing if others have come across this.
While she's quite overweight she's not massive. She's active and runs around a lot and it very strong and fit. She's only 7 and has a 26 inch waist though (I googled and it should be 21 or 22.) She's got very chunky legs and arms and a huge belly. My partner is as strict as he can be with her but only has her two days a week and her mum overindulges her. He cooks healthy meals and over the years I've taught him about appropriate portion sizes for her (he's a bit overweight himself.) Eg when she was 3 we'd go for picnics and he'd give her a full sandwich with two slices of bread, the very same as we adults were eating. She'd absolutely wolf it down and want something else immediately. And basically that has never changed and she's now almost 8.
She talks constantly about what the next meal will be and when it's coming. Other kids are busy and barely want to stop and eat but she'd drop anything for food. And ANY kind of food. I've seen her eat dried uncooked pasta from the bag and licking flour from the counter when someone is baking. She's extremely dramatic about how 'delicious' everything is and goes on and on about how much she loves her dinner. Then gobbles everything in seconds with pretty horrendous table manners.
What's this all about and what can we do about it? I just think it's wrong that food is such a big thing in her life. Almost all kids love sweets and junk but it's so unusual that she cares more about food than anything else. Immediately she's wolfed down her dinner she wants to know what she's getting for desert. My partner has worked on this and now gives her an option of eg one biscuit or 3 jellies etc. Last day when she was given the options she actually said 'which one is most filling'? And she'd just eaten dinner.
I warn him that she could end up really big and how cruel this would be for her especially as a teen. He gets it but seems powerless to make a difference in her life when it's only a couple of days a week.

Any suggestions at all of what we could do to downplay this influence in her life? Is this even a thing to worry about at all? Thanks

shesty

To be honest, that sounds very worrying (to me).
My first thought would be does she get fed enough at home.
Second thought would be does her mother/aunts/neighbours/friends spend a lot of time commenting on people's size/food etc (the question about something being filling).
Third thought would be that is food often being used as a reward when she's with the mother?
But my overiding reaction would be that something isn't right for her to have that level of an obsession with food.Unfortunately as she's not your child, I am somewhat at a loss as to what to suggest.A visit to a GP would be my first thought, but obviously you can't force her mother to do that.Certainly continue with portion size awareness, healthy meals, restricting snacking between meals when she's with you, but I'm not sure what else to suggest.

catrionanic

Is her mother aware that this is an issue, or is she not worried? Ultimately there needs to be a united front on this, given that she splits her time between both parents. So the first thing I would do is get your partner opening a dialogue with her mother about it, because you're pretty powerless to do it alone.

Eating the dried pasta etc does sound really worrying....

Bitches Be Trypsin

I'd get her assessed (through GP) for the early signs of an eating disorder, it sounds something similar to Binge Eating. This can lead to purging and can be life threatening.

I'd encourage you to get her to the GP as soon as possible, because if she has an ED, the sooner she's diagnosed, the better chance of a good outcome.

Gatling

Sounds like a child who has been appeased with food ,by the sounds of it hunger isn't the issue it's likely she's been fed snacks and every thing in-between rather than structured meal times and portion control ,
The dry pasta and licking flour (maybe she thought it was sugar or something sweet) isn't uncommon ,(pasta wise )
I'd talk to her dad and see if he's concerned and get him to take any concerns to mum ,

Other than that there is not a lot you can do without causing problems between exes and a child

2xj3hplqgsbkym

I'm not saying the others are wrong and I know it is worrying but...
My kids are constantly asking for food, during the summer they drove me mad, as soon as breakfast was over they wanted a snack, whats for lunch, whats for dinner, can they get an ice cream, can we make pizza etc...
Often it was boredom and somebody who wasn't used to them might think they were actually hungry !

Could it be that she is constantly allowed food, whatever she wants in her mothers, then feels deprived eating a healthy diet in your house , so is constantly looking for more?

Either way I would ask partner to talk to the mother about it. Go to a GP , and get a referral for a dietician.

shesty

I do agree with the last poster actually, my four year old is constantly looking for food too.Boredom is a lot to do with it, mine need to learn that boredom doesn't equal food!(ie, to amuse themselves more).I don't let them have it.
Possibly she is being constantly given food with the mum and doesn't know whem to stop.But the other behaviour about talking about meals all the time, etc, sounds a little bit worrying to me.

ElizaBennett

Thanks everyone for the really helpful responses. It's good to hear that aspects of this probably aren't unusual. I really feel myself that there's a comfort eating thing to this. My sister invited partner's child to a birthday party and was shocked when she actually ate herself sick and had to lie down and not take part in the fun. My sis had to say to her Come on now, there won't be enough left for the others! In a jokey way. This was an occasion where neither parent was there to keep a check on things.
She's an only child just living with her mum and she's over indulged in many ways. E.g. mum sleeps beside her at bed time every night till she gets to sleep. She'll be 8 soon..
The parents relationship isn't great so it's very hard for my partner to sound in any way critical. He's only mildly concerned himself though. She s his only child and he knows no different. But I've noticed something off right from the start when she was 3. I'm far more vocal about it now as I think it needs to be sorted before she gets really overweight. It's sad really. Her parents both love her a lot and show it but it feels like she's trying to make food fill a void.

harr

I have seen it from the opposite side, a friend of mine spilt up with his wife two years ago and he has his 3 kids three days a week.
He is overweight himself and it’s shocking what he feeds the kids and they are all overweight because kids eat huge adult size portions.
All main meals the days he has them are fast food and they often eat out for breakfast as well, throw in trips to cinema and they seem to be forever stuffing themselves.
I have said it to him but he doesn’t listen, the thing is it’s brownie points to him as the kids see him as the good guy who gives them what they want even though his ex wife has asked him not to feed them that crap.
Thing is he shows it off and posts every meal on social media, it’s not only food but expensive gifts as well..it’s even gone so far as the older girl now wants to live with her dad.
So Op it could that both are trying to better each other and spoiling her with food..

_Brian

Its possible even likely that the break up has added stress to both the child and the mother and each seem to be coping by turning to food, its not unusual..


Really the first battle your OH has is to get the mother on the same page regarding portion size and treat frequency, its likely something they will need support for and through the GP there is help within the HSE, but getting both parents to face this could be a struggle.

ElizaBennett

_Brian wrote: »

Its possible even likely that the break up has added stress to both the child and the mother and each seem to be coping by turning to food, its not unusual..


Her parents have never been together as a couple since she was born though so having them live apart is her 'normal' - though I suppose that doesn't mean she isn't stressed by the fact they live apart. She generally seems very happy and outgoing though. I suppose I just wanted to hear what others think regarding the huge appetite itself and the desperation and insatiable nature of her habits. Once we were in a supermarket and when we left she talked about seeing all the cakes in the bakery section and how it made her heart beat fast and how she really really wanted the cakes. She's very clever and can really articulate her feelings well at times. I thought that was very sad.
I'm going to just keep an eye on her weight (I actually measured her waist to prove how overweight she is to her dad as he had his head in the sand.) I didn't tell her why I was doing it btw - did it as part of a growth chart height measurement. He just thinks she'll naturally slim down as she gets older. I don't see why that would happen though..

Sunny Dayz

You are right to draw her Dad's attention to it now and you should urge him to go something about it now. In a few years time she will start to become more aware of her body. Also if your partner leaves it a few more years before deciding to tackle it she will be much older and cleverer. I've seen it with my husband's niece - she would always want the bun with the most decorations, the biggest slice of cake etc. She would eat her dinner really quickly and show how great she was at finishing her dinner and look for seconds. She would look for a treat from one parent and if they said no, she would ask someone else. If she got a treat, after it she would ask someone else for a treat and not let on that she just had one.

heldel00

OP we were discussing similiar issues in our staffroom today. Some of the lunches that are being sent to school are ridiculous. My husband wouldn't bring as big as some of them to work with him.

Children are gorging themselves - some because they are a bit greedy, some because the think Mam/ Dad will "go mad" if they don't finish lunch and some because they know no different and have always just had a big lunch.
One girl's lunchbox had a sandwich halved, a brioche roll thingy, a nutrigrain bar, a large muller crunch corner and a fruit winder yoke!! She barely took a breath.
Just don't think parents realise so you are dead right to bring to partner's attention.

ElizaBennett

I know, Heldel100, that was one of the things that first struck me! This little girl and a big full sized lunch box in junior infants. The school is strict on no treats but that doesn't stop her mum giving her full sandwiches and yoghurts and plenty of fruit etc. Yes it's healthy, but a banana has 100 calories. When I first met him I was so shocked by her portion sizes (at aged 3!) that I googled calorie amounts for a child that age so I could tell him he was way way overfeeding her. He has gotten that message but I think the damage may have been done early with giving her a huge appetite. And as others have mentioned, this very old fashioned idea of it being a good thing to eat all your dinner and eat it really fast. She'll shout 'I'm the dinner winner!' as soon as she's finished like it's a good thing. I can't be the lone critical voice in her life either - it can't always be me. It totally makes me the bad guy. Having said that, her dad is much better than he used to be and he knows I'm watching all the time and he does the right thing now. But it's such a shame she had such a bad start with overfeeding. One day when she was about 4 I met them in a café and she was sitting there with a full big iced cup cake and a big creamy hot chocolate with it. I couldn't believe it! Probably about 600 calories in that.
Anyway, I suppose the point is she doesn't have an illness or a medical issue, it's just very bad habits and possibly a bit of a food addiction because of boredom or being comforted or spoiled with food. All I can do is keep being vigilant and hope her weight levels off as she grows. Luckily she's very active.

Milly33

God just reading through this, so bad....Very sad, glad she has someone watching who is thinking of her well being... Mind I can see why it would be hard for you OP.. Dont have much experience with it myself but lets say I know other family members who's kids are totally overweight and it is just horrible to see.. Now hopefully things are changing, they have started excercising more but a lot is to do with what they are snacking on and also sitting in front of the tv..

Have you tried maybe something like cooking classes with her, or even that (and I know scare tactics are bad) but they heres a bag of sugar and heres what you just drank! Might be worth a shot. We are no angels outselves and eat too much and got very bad for a while, but after having the little miss's i started making her own foods and got back into the swing of cooking nice fresh dinners from scratch and oh you feel so much better

bee06

I dunno if this is of any use OP. It’s a handout from the NHS healthy eating dept. It’s recipes mostly but also shows the appriopriate portion sizes for different ages. May help your partner visualise how much she should be eating.

Hopefully the link works

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/59f75004f09ca48694070f3b/t/5a5a322fc83025fbb01f413a/1515860551067/Eating_well_recipe_book_july_2014.pdf

ElizaBennett

Thanks for the link Bee, will take a look at that.

Funny you mention cooking, Milly3e. Weirdly her interest in food extends to all ingredients and cooking. It's all part of the obsession and I'm actually trying to discourage all the involvement. She loves healthy food. She just loved ALL food. All the time. So my partner has always involved her in food shopping, choosing ingredients, asking her what she's like to have. She has a very adult type interest in it. She'll get excited about what he's making and help with chopping etc. Will go on and on about how delicious it is and expect me to do the same. She s 7. It's not usual is it? Maybe she's going to be a chef lol.

Basically I think there should be a lot less focus on food for her. The importance of it should be played down.

catrionanic

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Thanks for the link Bee, will take a look at that.

Funny you mention cooking, Milly3e. Weirdly her interest in food extends to all ingredients and cooking. It's all part of the obsession and I'm actually trying to discourage all the involvement. She loves healthy food. She just loved ALL food. All the time. So my partner has always involved her in food shopping, choosing ingredients, asking her what she's like to have. She has a very adult type interest in it. She'll get excited about what he's making and help with chopping etc. Will go on and on about how delicious it is and expect me to do the same. She s 7. It's not usual is it? Maybe she's going to be a chef lol.

Basically I think there should be a lot less focus on food for her. The importance of it should be played down.

Could you manipulate this somehow to pique her interest in eating the right things and right portion sizes? You said she loves healthy good, so that's a good start. Maybe get her involved with the scales - show her how to measure out the correct portion sizes for her age, teach her all about the food pyramid of how many veggies to eat per day, how much dairy, etc. Teach her about "superfoods" and explain that there are some foods she can only eat a small bit of in order to be healthy, but that there are some foods she can eat lots and lots and lots of and it will make her grow tall and strong and be healthy.

She sounds like she wants to know everything there is to know about food, and you say she's very bright - you may be able to work with that.

shesty

Ugh it's so hard, you don't want to bring huge focus on it for her either.Such a difficult line to tread.She may well be interested in cooking OP and a have a future in it, I would definitely work with that.

fineso.mom

How is she in other aspects of her life OP? There are a few things you've said that are almost exactly the same as a friends child. Knowing about ingredients, talking about how seeing the food in the shop made her feel,eating until she had a pain jn her tummy and basically talking/asking about the last or next meal constantly. My friends daughter is also overweight. In first class a teacher expressed concern about the food issues. My friend took her child to a doctor. He referred her to a psychologist and eventually she was diagnosed with ASD (on the mild end of the spectrum). She has very few 'typical' or obvious symtoms but there were other issues that my friend hadnt really noticed as the food issue was so constant.
Of course I am not saying your partners child is the same. Its just some things you said were familiar to me, especially the way you said she speaks about food in detail.

ElizaBennett

Thanks for all the great suggestions and helpful advice. I like the idea of more discussion around the cooking itself and correct portions. She eats incredibly quickly (eg last night she had finished her meal just as the rest of us were getting started as she went to the table first. I guess we shouldn't serve her first maybe so this wouldn't happen.)

Regarding other aspects of life, yes there are lots of issues, minor and less minor, but she's seen a child psychologist and ASD hasn't been mentioned. That was in connection with a specific issue however.
She has a lot of behaviours that are problematic to my mind but, again, I can't go on and on about these all the time. If I picked up on all of it I'd just be constantly nagging her. Eg, she has a terrible habit of rubbing at her nose and face all the time, especially during meals. It's pretty awful and I ask her does she need a tissue but she just keeps doing it. She also constantly pulls at her underwear - literally every few seconds - as though she has a wedgie. We've tried every different kind of underwear and even none and it still happens. So it's just a habit. She's also quite irritable, though this has improved with getting older. But she cries about something most days and still has tantrums quite a bit.
All of it points to a problem to me but it could also just be explained as her personality and the weight thing is just a side issue that's very unfortunate.
My own kids are older so I don't have a great memory of this age except I know my kids didn't have tantrums or argue a lot. But were they just calmer, different kinds of children? You see the bind I'm in - maybe it's the case that all of her difficult behaviour is connected but otherwise if I pick on her about all of her bad habits then we'd never talk about anything else so I have to let most of it go

Neyite

You are limited as a step-mother as to what you specifically can do but what you can do is encourage a slow-down of eating dinner. It's only in Ireland that wolfing down a dinner is seen as 'good'. On the continent dinner is a leisurely affair to be enjoyed. You could do a theme night every so often with say, French food, and make it fun with a few French phrases and eat like French people (slower!) etc. Get her involved in the cooking and learning a few facts about the country. It can be great fun in general to do as it's educational. Asian nights could involve learning to eat with chopsticks (again, slows eating down in a fun way)

With regard to pulling at her underwear, I'd suggest treating her for threadworms - and yourselves as well. That, combined with her constant hunger suggest there might be something there. They are very easy to contract from others so it's worth doing a preventative dose for the household every few months anyway.

kyomi

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Eg, she has a terrible habit of rubbing at her nose and face all the time, especially during meals. It's pretty awful and I ask her does she need a tissue but she just keeps doing it. She also constantly pulls at her underwear - literally every few seconds - as though she has a wedgie. We've tried every different kind of underwear and even none and it still happens.

Sorry to be late to the discussion, but this part leapt out at me as I have a family member with Tourette's syndrome. Many people think Tourette's is all about shouting obscenities but actually it's only a small subset of sufferers who do that. It's a tic disorder whose symptoms often appear around 7 years of age. My family member pulls at their clothes constantly, and they also have a habit of touching their face and rubbing their eyes. The person is in their 40s now and has had symptoms since around the age of 7. They were never treated, but these days the tics can be treated quite successfully (although they typically subside as the child gets older anyway - this happened to my family member and although they still have the tics, they don't infringe on their quality of life at all). It might be worth getting this checked for your stepdaughter.

ElizaBennett

Thanks, Kyomi - I would never have thought of that. I'll do some research about it. the poor child turned down a face painting at the weekend when we were out as she said there was no point as she's always rubbing at her face:(
She has a lot of little issues that are minor enough I suppose but they're making life a little harder than it needs to be I guess. Would be great if there was a solution or maybe she'll grow out of a lot of them. Thanks:)