How to alter annoying personality

LegacyUser

Is it possible to alter your personality without feeling like you are holding yourself on a tight rein all the time?

My best friend got angry with me a few days ago for being too pushy. It's kind of hard to explain but basically my friend was using his phone typing a message and I ran up to him and poked him in the arm in fun and told him to be my friend, be friendly. It's an in joke between us which we have both used for a very long time when ignored by the other.

My friend has a very short fuse and openly admits to always feeling angry and has a big temper.

But my personality never used to annoy him.

On this occasion he snapped and told me to **** off etc.

I was totally shocked and felt upset. I am a very sensitive person, i never raise my voice and try to never hurt anyone. I have truly in my life never shouted or been abusive to anyone.

I am far from perfect but I try to be kind and caring to all, no matter what. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always try to understand, forgive and forget.

But for my friend I accept I am a pain in the ass.

We discussed what happened later.

He opened up and told me as a friend that I am too full on. I am always expecting him to be happy and engaged with me. He said a lot of things that felt like I was stabbed in the heart. He said I always need reassurance in our friendship and I need him to tell me he cares and that I message him so often and expect him to answer. I don't message him anymore than any of our other friends but I had no idea that for him it is an issue. It's only a couple of messages a day on WhatsApp fyi.

I'm not angry with him for what he said. I appreciate his honesty. But my heart feels like it's breaking because I accepted all of his flaws including his short temper because we have been through so much together in life, and if anything I have always been very down on myself, but now I'm worse than ever.

I am suffering from depression already and needed acceptance and support, and now i cant stop tearing up. I'm trying to hide this from everyone but I feel so stupid and have had to go to the bathroom at work to cry in private a couple of times this week.

I am naturally silly and childish but I never showed this silly side to anyone other than him. We both behaved like children together, but now he admits he hates it and doesn't want me to do it ever again.

What bugs him is me walking up to him and nudging him in the arm in a buddy way.

I'm feeling like my natural personality must be masked, like there is no one on earth who can accept and love me as I am. I never did this with anyone else because I didn't feel safe in being silly.

I grew up without family (parents passed away when I was young, no siblings) so I've always felt unloved or like I am missing out on that deep bond where I am loved no matter what I do or say.

I just feel so stupid, like I need to put up a front and not show anyone my natural self again.

I accept I have been annoying, etc, but I'm not sure how to interact with my friend if I have to be on guard.

Is it possible to change and be less annoying?

professore

Why would you want to change your personality for this - let's be honest - incredibly boring, angry and intolerant "friend". Why is his approval so important to you? He sounds like the last person you should be looking for approval from. He's not much of a friend IMO. OP you sound like good craic to me.

He may have a point about constantly needing reassurance - this is really grating in a friendship situation and for me would be a big problem. Being friends should be fun, not free one sided psychotherapy. Having friends is not all about looking for THEM to help YOU all the time. That's not a real friendship.

Wesser

There come a time in all friendships where people begin to change and evolve.
I think a few messages a day on whatsapp sounds like alot. I exchange a few a week.

If you want to stop being so annoying.... then you need to develop your inner security and confidence... As then you will not be so reliant and needy. So i think you need to.wotk on your sel f do fudence so then you will not need the constant reassurance of others.

SirChenjin

professore wrote: »

Why would you want to change your personality for this - let's be honest - incredibly boring, angry and intolerant "friend". Why is his approval so important to you? He sounds like the last person you should be looking for approval from. He's not much of a friend IMO. OP you sound like good craic to me.

He may have a point about constantly needing reassurance - this is really grating in a friendship situation and for me would be a big problem. Being friends should be fun, not free one sided psychotherapy. Having friends is not all about looking for THEM to help YOU all the time. That's not a real friendship.

I would second this. He doesn't sound like an easy person to be friends with. Would he accept similar feedback readily, I wonder? My guess is probably not. Some people are good at dealing stuff out, but quickly become 'hurt bunny' if you give similar back to them.

Everyone modifies their behaviour in different situations, so don't think of it as changing your personality. Maybe rein things in with him. Friendships do change and sometimes dwindle over time. It sounds like you have loads to offer so don't be afraid to start making more friends. Broaden out your circle so that you are less dependant on him.

Look back over your post and pick out all the positives there about yourself.
Get help for your depression, if you are not already doing so.

It sounds like you have had a tough start in life, losing parents at a young age.
Don't let one person's opinion be that important to you, that you are crying and heartbroken over it.

Look after yourself.

Dial Hard

Lookit, OP,I'm going to be very honest and say that you do sound very needy and quite full-on and personally, I would find that very grating to be around.

However - do you really want to change your personality just to keep one person happy??? Would you not rather be friends with people who accept you for who you are?

December2012

A few messages a day to a friend does seem needy. Why does your friend have to give you reassurance? Do you believe that they like you, and if they say that they do, why dont you believe them?

honestly if youre looking to make improvements for yourself, then consider building up your own confidence, and ask why you are looking for this validation. Even if you were in a relationship with this person, that is a lot of reassurance to seek.

.......

He sounds like a very hurtful friend. Why would you want a friend like that?

He has upset you to the point that you are crying in work and feeling terrible about yourself. Toxic.

Id move on from him. Stick with friends who are not toxic and who accept you for who you are.

Itd be miserable for you hanging around with someone who finds you insufferable.

Grab All Association

He sounds like a total (rhymes with tick)
If a genuine description of your personality you'll have no problem making new friends. Go out have fun and meet new people. Be nothing less than 100% you.

leggo

I mean, perhaps weirdly, but if this was a relationship then I'd see how it could be grating because you're closer and much more intense. But, as a friend, you're slightly less invested in each other and so should be more accepting of each other's -isms because, pretty much, you don't have to deal with them on a day-to-day basis and commit to them for the foreseeable future. That's the biggest benefit to having friends: they're the people in your life who have your back and get you for who you are, judgement-free. They're the ones you fall back on to remind yourself who you are when work isn't going well, when relationships go badly etc...then you do the same in return for them. You're right to feel like you shouldn't have to alter your personality to make a friendship work. What you do then is find new friends.

Having said that...you do seem to place a lot of stock in what this one person thinks of you, and I can understand the pressure that comes with that. I've had some intense friends and, while never dropping them or trying to be hurtful towards them, I've kind of pushed away and gotten some distance when I've felt they've been pouring more into me than I was able to give back. It's tiring and kind of stressful tbh, and eventually time with them can become a chore at times because you can just feel all this weight and expectations that they have in you. Can I ask if there are some romantic feelings there? Or maybe do you have this person fill that void in your life when you don't have a partner perhaps? Maybe you don't even realise you do this, but even so if it's the case then it can at least explain, if not excuse, his actions somewhat.

Even if he felt that way, though, the way he handled it was overboard and hurtful so he owes you an apology at the very least. I'd cool on this friendship and back off a bit, while seeking out other friends who are more accepting of your personality, at least until/unless he gives you an apology. That's not on.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks to everyone for your replies. It made me feel so much better to read outside opinions from both sides of the fence.

To clarify some points. There are no romantic feelings on my part for my friend. He is the brother I never had. He's the nearest thing to family for me, which is why i was so hurt.

I don't believe he has romantic feelings either, though I have wondered sometimes based on his behaviour of pushing me away after we've had a close day where we bond deeply as friends. He's told me many times that sometimes I can say something to him without thought that hurts him more than anyone else on earth, and that no one else can do this to him, but for me it's the same. I can't explain why but this episode broke my heart.

We are both in relationships. He's in a long term and I am in a newer more casual relationship. We know each other's partners and there is no problem with us being friends.

while a couple of messages a day may be a lot to some people, it's never been a big deal for me and I receive and send as many to other friends. I have some friends who send me a lot more than that. It's not all deep questions or chat, often those messages consist of forwarding a funny video a the response is a laughing face.

I have other friends but ive never felt as open or able to be myself with them as I do with this one male friend.

That's why this hurt so much.

I allowed him to tell me why he was so angry because we've always been so bluntly honest with each other.

He is the person who told me I was depressed and pushed me into seeing a doctor. I did therapy for a few months but it really hasn't helped. This friend is the only person I told all about it because he went through therapy in the past and understood it better.

He doesn't respond very well when I have given him my honest feedback, but i don't think that's a good reason for me to not listen to others if they pull me up on something.

We met yesterday and talked. I communicated clearly how hurt he made me etc. He didn't specifically say "I'm sorry" but he said that he doesn't mind me being silly, he is usually silly too, and it was just on this occasion that he was already in a bad mood and I pushed him over the edge by walking up and poking him for attention when he was busy typing a message. He said he does accept me as I am and I am wrong in thinking he wants to change my personality but he thinks I shouldn't all the time be like that, that I need to evaluate if he is in a bad mood or if he tells me to wait, rather than bounding up to him expecting him to always be happy.

He thinks I should accept him as sometimes moody and angry and short tempered if I want him to accept me as sometimes too full on. He thinks it's inevitable we will sometimes clash but it doesn't mean I should change, but i need to think more.

I can't really argue with any of that, and I feel less hurt now as we calmly discussed it.. but I'm still unsure about it all. I don't want to be mistreated or taken advantage of because I tend to be very unjugdemental and open-minded, maybe I am being too understanding?

I think the most important thing I need to do here is to work on my own self confidence and self esteem. I'm not sure where to start but I do want to self improve. I have become very insecure and almost scared all the time since my depression started. I know I am too dependent on this one friend, probably he has been more of a therapist to me which is why therapy didn't work. And probably this has put too much pressure on him.but I never asked him to do anything for me..He took it upon himself.

He says his harsh words were purely to push me to improve myself, not to make me cry..He said he has tried with words and hints to tell me not to always come at him fully of happiness or bouncing like a puppy, but that I didn't pick up on his clues so he snapped and said it too harshly to make me listen and to make me feel how it makes him feel when I do that.

I'm just very confused now, but less upset.

orthsquel

I don't think you need to change your personality at all. Maybe you just have trouble recognising boundaries and need maybe counselling with your self esteem and confidence and even just to help you figure out understanding things from your friend's perspective..

Even if your friend took it upon himself to help you since your depression, now is the time he probably needs to take a step back. If he has felt relied upon and under pressure, he should have said something about it rather than explode at you. However, what you can do now is engage in counselling and let him know that you are setting up appointments with one. Not because he is unwilling to listen, or be there for you, or that it's too much for him, but because you do want to engage a counsellor yourself about your confidence and self esteem and want to resolve issues and move forward with your life.

You have a great friendship between ye, it would be awful to fall out over this and even if things are awkward for a while, it doesn't mean you won't be back to your usual selves being silly and having fun.