My mother and I

mea_k

As post might suggest its about my mother and i.
From very start of my life i have no memory of her. None at all. I can rememmber my nan my uncle my grandad my nans friends but not her. I have never questioned this. I have never hugged her or kissed her. I also did not have father. But my mother ended up dating and later marrying my now step father. ( that's another story for another time)
Im now 28. And not much has changed . Our relationship is very rocky at times. I'm now a mum myself and i adore my son. I'm a single mother and ended up leaving my husband due to unfaithful times and me finding it out.
And i feel so so so silly writting this but i just feel like im mother of my half siblings . Today my sister went to grands. My mother and her dad left for gym. They never done anything at the house. I got up at 7 am with my son i booked her make up and hair weeks agoo and paid for it as well as dropped her down and collected her. Initially my mother this morning asked me what im doing at their house and when im leaving. This is all cullmination of events prior grads . I have gone to parent teacher meetings i have braught them to doctors i have helped them when they where small.
But one thing i cannot stop thinking was event that took place 3 days agoo now. My pet broke his leg monday last. Very bad break. He needed surgery and i was quoted 450 e as you can imagine single working parent its alot... So i started crying not knowing what to do. I had nowhere to get this money from. My sister loaned me 200 from what she had saved and i got loan of various people just to pay for his recovery. The other day my 2 year old while i was at mothers kitchen found stash of cash in her room. Im paying her to baby sit my son her grandson (about 140 e a week)so logic is that she stashes cash. Anyway i put it all back. And apologised about itp said i only let him out of sight for 2 minutes. But since i kept wondering am i ringht to feel so disapointed in my mum. She seen state of my pet she seen state of me crying she seen her grandson crying and never offered to help. Am i horrible person in beeing disappointed? I'm even disapointed taht she seen my marrige curble down i couldnt afford her charges so had to take time off work while my whole life was turned upside down. So 2 months i was out of work because she wouldn't watch him free of charge or on loan like basis.
I also feel like my brother and sister have been affected by her behaviour. My sister says it quite clear and loud at least 30 times a day how ugly she is. She suffers from anxiety quite bad too.
I often wonder did my marrige was so quick just because i just wanted proper family.

I just cannot stop thinking of doing stuff like this to my own son.

BuboBubo

I've read your post a few times, you seem very upset for both present and historical reasons.

Do you and your mother, her partner, your siblings, your son, and your 'pet' (cat/dog?) All live in the same house?

If you do, it's time to move out, because that living arrangement seems very stressful for everyone, without blaming any one member of your family for this - it couldn't be comfortable.

Could you get another child minder? Creche? It might seem harsh, but if your mother isn't prepared to do this for 'free' when you have money difficulties (maybe she feels used?), and you aren't satisfied with her methods, it's time to change this arrangement. It's making an already difficult relationship even more awkward.

Best of luck op.

mea_k

BuboBubo wrote: »

I've read your post a few times, you seem very upset for both present and historical reasons.

Do you and your mother, her partner, your siblings, your son, and your 'pet' (cat/dog?) All live in the same house?

If you do, it's time to move out, because that living arrangement seems very stressful for everyone, without blaming any one member of your family for this - it couldn't be comfortable.

Could you get another child minder? Creche? It might seem harsh, but if your mother isn't prepared to do this for 'free' when you have money difficulties (maybe she feels used?), and you aren't satisfied with her methods, it's time to change this arrangement. It's making an already difficult relationship even more awkward.

Best of luck op.

No fortunatley i have lived out of their house since i turned 16.
I did suggest creche as i just couldn't listen how hard thr schedule was on her. When i did there was world war 3 situation. And i mean shouting and even a smack that I'd suggest that. She said she is better to mind him than anyone else. And then few weeks after the same thing happens when i stop by on my day off just to see my family amd im asked what im doing there. I just feel so awful for even thinking badly about my mum but it has just gotten to me in past few weeks.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

Your mother smacked you for suggesting you might send your son to a creche? I think you need to consider that it might not be safe to leave him with her. The whole situation sounds incredibly toxic.

BuboBubo

mea_k wrote: »

No fortunatley i have lived out of their house since i turned 16.
I did suggest creche as i just couldn't listen how hard thr schedule was on her. When i did there was world war 3 situation. And i mean shouting and even a smack that I'd suggest that. She said she is better to mind him than anyone else. And then few weeks after the same thing happens when i stop by on my day off just to see my family amd im asked what im doing there. I just feel so awful for even thinking badly about my mum but it has just gotten to me in past few weeks.

She seems a bit controlling. Could you talk to a professional about this? Counselling would help. It would definitely help you to figure things out for yourself and make the best decisions for yourself and your son. It's a toxic environment for the child - not good.

If you have no faith in her mothering skills during your childhood, surely she's not the right person to take care of your son.

Sardonicat

You are not obliged to leave your child in your mother's care. You are your child's parent and you decide how to manage childcare, not your mother. You are an adult and she has no say in your decisions. You do not need to giver her this control over you.

She hit you? You must not leave your child with her as she sounds abusive. Next time she attempts to get violent with you calmly inform her that you will call the guards if she assaults you. I had to do this once to an older sibling who believed she had the right to control me with violence if necessary. Her cough softened very quickly when I picked up the phone, believe me.

Why are you going to parent/teacher meetings for your siblings? Are you concerned for their wellbeing if you take a step back from their lives?

If this is the case I think you should take your concerns to Tusla. I'd also strongly suggest you attend counselling.

You sound like a very caring person OP. You are very good to your siblings. I hope your pet is doing OK.

wiggle16

It's easy to say, but you need to accept the fact that your mother is not a nice person. That is okay. It's not nice, it is frustrating and upsetting, but it's not a reflection on you.

You are decent and good to your siblings and look out for them where your mother does not - clearly that shows since your younger sister was willing to lend you €200 to help get your pet seen to. They appreciate you. Your mother's personality did not rub off on you and clearly it hasn't rubbed off on them either, and that's likely because they have you in their lives, to show them what it is to be decent and considerate. They didn't get it from her.

It's not quite clear from your post, but if you are linking your mother's attitude and its effect on you to your marriage, I don't think you need to do that. It's reflexive and untrue. You know why the marriage failed, he was unfaithful. Linking your mother's influence to it is a backdoor to blaming yourself, and you have to stop that. It had nothing to do with your mother, and everything to do with your partner's infidelity - and therefore his cheating is no reflection on you. That was not your fault.

As others have said, I would look elsewhere for childcare. If she hit you then you cannot assume that she would not cross the line of doing something similar to your child if he crossed her - it's astounding that she could do something like that and yet say she is the best person to look after your child. That's unhinged. Get him away from her. You are not obliged to leave your child with anyone. You decide what's best for him and that's that. If she doesn't like it, good!

You look out for your siblings in ways that she doesn't. You go to parent teacher meetings. You organised your sister's graduation/debs. Your mother, though under no obligation to help, had money to spare when you desperately needed it, and ignored you. She refused to mind her grandson when you were struggling. She hit you when you suggested a creche (sounds more like she feared the loss of income tbh). And you are wondering if you are wrong to feel disappointed in your mother.
The answer to that is both yes and no: that's her personality. She sounds like a cold, selfish, controlling, nasty person. You know that. A parent like that would make anyone feel let down - but at the same time, at this stage, you should no longer feel disappointed. She has given you no reason to expect any better from her. You can't let it upset you any more.

I hope the above doesn't sound insensitive, it's not meant to be. I just think that you need to realise that there is no inexorable reason for you to let your mother's toxic behaviour and personality upset you like this. You are letting her get to you by being loyal to her, simply because she is your mother. You're under no obligation to put up with any of it or maintain a relationship with her at all.
You need to make alternative arrangements for your child ASAP. Put a distance between yourself and your mother, or as much as you can if you need a relationship with her to have access to your siblings and that's what you want.

Don't let her guilt you, and don't let her upset you. Easier said than done, but what's the alternative? You can't change her and you're under no obligation to her.

I hope you feel better soon and I hope your pet does too xxx