Alcoholic older brother dependant on mother

gingergirl

I hope I'm in the right area, but feel free to move post.

Just to summarise, I have an older brother 53 who lives at home with my 79 year old mother. He has always had issues with alcohol, but has got worse over the years. He has lived on and off in the family home since he was 18, has had relationships that didn't work out etc. He has always worked on the black market painting and decorating, any money he earns is drank and spent on cannibas. He's never signed on as far as I'm aware as he has never had a need to as my mother provides the roof over his head, pay bills cooks cleans etc. Also, to add my father died 5 years ago and both he and my mother had a bad relationship, i'm fairly sure she needed to have my brother in the house to act as a buffer and therefore made it easy for him to live there, I think a psych might call it codependency. Ive been living away from the area for a number of years and since returning I realise my brother has got himself in a terrible situation becoming dependent on her, working cash in hand and not signing on. He never even learned how to drive as she provides transport to jobs. Anyway, sorry about the long winded post, is it possible to sign on having been working cash in hand for so long? How would you explain years of not being registered anywhere as a tax payer or unemployed? I see he is getting older and lifestyle will eventually catch up with him, if she did die in the morning how would he support himself. Any advice appreciated many thanks

LegacyUser

Even though this is your brother, he is an adult and you will have to accept there will not be very much you can do. How he manages will be ultimately up to himself, however, in cases like these you can try to persuade him to get help for his addiction. But again, if he doesn't want the help no one can help him.

How does your mother feel about this situation?

rainbowtrout

Surely it's your mother you should be worrying about in this situation? She shouldn't have to be cooking, cleaning and supporting a 53 year old man. If he is able to earn some money, cash in hand, then he should be able to earn money the legal way.

He might have problems with alcohol, but he has it easy with bed and board provided for him. If you are going to take on your mother's role and find ways to look after him nothing changes. He's an adult, and has survived this long. If he wants to sign on the dole, let him find out how to do it himself.

lulu1

Agree with the above poster. I wouldn't waste my energy worrying about him

He's old enough to know enough

wiggle16

A widow who is 79 years of age should not have any dependants to worry about.

Your brother is making his bed and has been for many years, and one day he will have to lie in it. I would be far more concerned about your mother being treated like a valet, driving her adult son around to do odd jobs. At 79 years of age. Seriously.

As rainbowtrout has said, if you step in to mammy him when your mother passes away, nothing will change. Why would he change when there are other people willing to be responsible for him?

To answer your question, kind of: without PRSI contributions he will have no automatic entitlement or claim to social welfare (he's paying nothing into the system so to be honest he should not get anything back). If he did go to sign on, or in years to come, claim a non-contributory state pension, he will have to explain what he has been doing all these years.

Your brother isn't worrying about it. I'd focus your mother.

gingergirl

Thanks so much for the replies

gingergirl

Eventhoughitis wrote:

How does your mother feel about this situation?

She's at her wits end, I worry about her mental state, he has a very easy life and has no concept of reality or how his future might be, she worries about that

Xterminator

Hi Op

your mother is right to be worried. she has been his crutch, and his enabler for years. She can see the day coming when she can no longer provide that 'support' to him. I would call your mothers behaviour enabling. Without her your brother might have addressed these issues, but with your mothers help he has managed to just barley be a functioning alcoholic. You can encourage your mother and your brother to do the right thing here, you cannot make them.

IMO the danger here is you might be pressured to taking on some of that burden. You need to refuse to enable his addictions and allow him to abdicate all adult responsibility. Get soem help here, from the experts at AA even if its only advice for you and mum.

See if your brother is ready to take baby steps and sign on, get a medical card, and visit the GP for help with addiction.

popa smurf

I had something similar in our family the lad at home got the lot and never worked a day in his life and believed himself that he was careing for his parents when in fact it was the other way around and they founded his lifestyle. now his playing the victim and telling people he has wasted his life looking after them. When your mother passes on Your brother will be the same he will walk in to social welfare and give them the story he looked after his parents all his life and now he has been left with nothing and they will believe him.

LegacyUser

Worrying about your mother and brother will not help this situation.

As I said if you feel like you must do something, do but then distance yourself mentally from this sh'itshow quick. I've been in a similar situation and there is nothing to be gained by making yourself mediator to multiple dysfunctional adults or letting it become a burden for you also.

5rtytry56

@ papasmurf : YES these people DO exist. I can confirm this.

gingergirl

Lots of great advice thank you all so much for taking the time to reply