Am I being abused and blindsided?

LegacyUser

I am with my boyfriend 7 years, we have a child together who adores him.

Over the duration of our relationship we have had loads of issues. His drinking being the main one, he will verbally abuse me. Physically abuse me although this only happened twice. He is financially abusive.

He sleeps in another room and ignores me mostly. If I ask for a cuddle or to snuggle with a movie I get told to **** off.
If he walks in on me in the shower or getting dressed he'll laugh at my body. Pregnancy was not kind to it but I'm working on it.
He never wants sex. Never wants to kiss me. If I try hold his hand I am told to **** off. I have caught him on dating apps and found images of other women on his phone.

Aside from that he has shoved me into the wall before while drunk. He has punched a hole in the wall of our rented home. He has punched me in the face but now says I'm a lying, dangerous bitch because it never happened and I walked into his fist. I second guess myself all the time.

I generally just get on with things, focus on my child and all that. But I met someone innocently a few months ago and he often checks in on me and has made it very clear that he likes me. I often think about him and what it would be like to be adored and hugged and respected by a man like him. It just adds to the guilt I already feel for saying he hit me.Even though I know he did and I even have a witness and photographs. But he says I walked into him.
I don't imagine the new friend would ever hit a partner. He is very different and doesn't have a drinking issue. He is great and I think about him often. I have made it clear we are friends only but I do think about it. I won't act on it though, don't worry. But just needed to vent that to help with my guilt.

My partner and I are so mixed up in eachothers lives now, our child loves him so much. Both our names are on the lease. Our friends are all mutual. I can't see how I'll ever get away and if things were better I wouldn't even dream of getting away.
I'm just so lost. I don't know what to feel or what to do.Family aren't an option at this point as they have all washed their hands at this point. They hate him.
I feel guilty even typing this. Like I'm turning my back on him instead of helping him. He's not bad but he just has a bad attitude towards me in particular.
I rang women's aid three times and got their voicemail. I will do it again when I pluck up the courage again.
I suppose I am just needing validation right now. That I'm not mad.

Cash_Q

You are not mad

He is violent and abusive in many ways

You did NOT walk into his fist. I could walk into your fist right this second and have zero harm caused to me because unless you were applying force, it's a simple bump. He hit you, don't argue with him about that again, you know what happened

Your family might not be as resistant as you think, if you tell them it's all over for once and for all

Your child can continue a relationship with their dad, you can facilitate that without giving up your own life to be controlled and abused. You surely do not want your child to copy the behaviour they are seeing, get them out of this situation

As for the new friend, forget about him for now. Close his chapter on your life first, approach family, seek support, feck the lease, get out of there. If you get tangled up with someone new you'll only be blamed for the demise of the relationship, when really his abusive behaviour is why it has to end

7 years of this...what are you waiting on him to do? He sounds horrible, and you deserve better

Pawwed Rig

He sounds like a guy I used to know. He treated his girlfriend deplorably (similar to what you wrote above). He would always denigrate her behind her back too. He strung her along for 15 years producing 4 kids before eventually walking out on them all. Now she is a single mother of 4 with little self belief or self worth with zero support.

How do you see your future being different? The guy is not going to turn into the loving supportive partner you want.

Interested Observer

He sounds like scum tbh. You need to find your way out of that 'relationship'.

FurBabyMomma

When I saw the title of your thread I thought, "anyone who has to write that already knows the answer to that question." And when I read your post, it was even worse than I thought.

You know you're being abused. Your friends do. Your family does. Your partner does, even though he denies it. And sadly, your son will as he gets older, if he doesn't already.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve to be treated like this, his behaviour is appalling. Please do try Women's Aid again and get a proper plan in place to leave. You've been very brave already to reach out and I really hope you can make a better life for you and your son x

KevinCavan

I’d say sort out a new phone for yourself/new number. Go to a shelter with your kid, get counseling for the abuse you have suffered. Give the people who matter the new number and throw away the old SIM card. Don’t ever live under the same roof as this manipulative and sadistic man again.

Whispered

Please reach out to family. They could be well aware of what is happening but afraid to push you in case you cut them off.

You, and by extension your child, are being abused.

amdublin

Are you happy? (I think you and I both know the answer to that)

Forget the lease and all that.

Don't you think you deserve a happy life?

Run. Run bow and don't look back. Get away from this mean abusive person. Get him out of your life as much as possible. By all means he can be part of your child's life. But yours as little person.

Good luck op. Virtual hug to you. You deserve better

nikkibikki

Your family may have washed their hands of you both together but I would think that if you reach out for help in leaving him, they will gladly help.

Don't tell him you are leaving. He sounds like he will hit the roof and that's dangerous and scary. He's a disgusting excuse for a man. Your child will get a warped view of relationships if he keeps witnessing this. He'll either grow up to copy his Dad or stay in a relationship where he's being abused himself.

Redser87

You're not mad OP. You are absolutely being abused and my heart goes out to you.
Well done for phoning women's aid. Keep trying when it's safe to do so.
You could also consider reaching out to SVP. You may not feel able to tell them about the abuse but if you ask for help with the food shopping for instance, they might bring you vouchers and you could save up some for when you're out of there (you know yourself if there is a safe place in the house to do this. Don't do it if it will put you in danger).
No lease is worth this feeling of constant fear or the danger of the abuse escalating.
Be safe and careful. The time when a victim decides to leave is often the most risky. Do call women's aid again and get a plan in place, they will be able to advise you on the next steps.
Take care and be brave.

anewme

If you care about your child, you don't have an option but to leave. NOW.

Growing up in that environment will destroy your child's future.

You don't want your child to end up in the same situation, so break the cycle now.

You also need to seek support and in time, counselling for yourself, as this person has destroyed your self worth.

Do you have a friend who could support you in making that first life saving call? Please reach out. There are people there to support you.

woodchuck

OP you are absolutely being abused. You know this, but are just reluctant to admit it.

Family aren't an option at this point as they have all washed their hands at this point. They hate him.

It sounds like your family have tried to advise you against him in the past, but you haven't paid any heed to their warnings? I'd be willing to bet that they're just waiting for you to come to your senses and would definitely help you get away from him. Please please talk to your family. What do you have to lose?

Day Lewin

He sounds like an absolute G0bsh1te. That's your answer. Not a good example for your child, is it??

Verity.

You mention a couple of times about him being a good Dad etc, but do you know what? Great father's don't mentally and physically abuse the child's mother.

Seeing as you don't seem to be able to split with this man for yourself, you need to understand that you have to do it FOR your son. Do you really want to raise him in an environment where his mother is treated so cruelly? His nastiness will begin to rub off on your son, is that what you want for him?

I ended it with a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic nearly ten years ago. I definitely did it for my children, because I felt I was worth nothing and I'd never do any better than my ex. My life was meaningless except for my children. I hit some very low places because of him. Addled with depression and anxiety. My children deserved a better life than watching their mother get clattered and choked from the top of the stairs in their pyjamas. He's hit you twice, but make no mistake about it, he could very well escalate like my ex did.

Similarly all my family and friends hated him. My friends phased me out because they felt they couldn't help me anymore, I just went back for more they thought. I wasn't going back for me, I fooled myself that despite what an arsehole he was to me he cared for his kids. Well he didn't care for our children enough to raise them in a happy environment.

My ex and I were long over with, but still under the same roof when I met my now husband. I hadn't the courage to throw him out of the house because I was blindsiding myself, thinking children need their father in the home. My new friend gave me hope, self worth, purpose, and most importantly the fight in me to deal with my ex for once and for all. I changed the locks when he was out , packed his **** and left it outside to be collected. Of course it didn't go smoothly, because he was and is the biggest príck that ever breathed air. How dare I end it with him?!

I have my husband to thank for giving me a life back. I have him to thank for the happy environment my teenagers now have and he supports them, because their father won't. If he couldn't mentally or physically abuse us, financially was the only way left. We don't need him or his pittance maintenance, he can drink himself into his grave with it. His teenagers want nothing to do with him.

Leopards don't change their spots OP, so forget hoping your OH will miraculously change. He won't. If you split up with him, he will promise the world.. he'll be a changed man etc. It's bull****. Don't waste over 12 years believing that crap like I did.

Change the path in life for you and your son now, best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the advice. I am not originally from this village but he is. He is surrounded by his own family and his own friends. I would consider his younger sister a very good friend of mine.
My family are across the border and we see them maybe once every 3 or 4 months.
He works full time and has a great group of pals from his job that think he's great. They have had to pull him out of terrible fights before but laugh it off as him just being a lad. He thinks the whole fighting Irish thing is something to be proud of which is embarrassing.

Anyway I have taken on board about my son possibly growing up to be abusive, I am confident he hasn't seen this abuse or noticed it but he does play hurling with his dad and has witnessed his aggression there for sure. Not towards him but towards the ref usually!!!

I have spoken to women's aid today and they also advised about having plan in place to leave safely. She said that often men will with-hold affection as another form of control. I never thought of it that way before. She also said in her experience it doesn't get better. Only more serious because he sees there are no consequences.

She has put me in touch with a local centre here who has counselling services, I'm not sure how it works but apparently it solely deals with abusive relationships and can help with leaving. I emailed her so should get a slot soon.
Thanks for the advice, I think I just needed it in writing from strangers to verify what is happening isn't normal.
My son will be 6 in March so I am giving myself until then to get my life back on track.

misssunshine36

Having been in a similar situation years ago, my advice would be to leave. I know it's a hard thing to do. My sons were babies when I had to put their dad out of our home. I went through physical, mental and verbal abuse for years. The shock of seeing my son at 3 years old afraid and crying to his dad not to hit me woke me up. This is over 13 years ago and we don't have any contact with him now. He still drinks a lot and my boys are so much better away from this. Trust me, having your child will keep you strong. You deserve so much better than this treatment. Men like this never change. Please be brave and reach out to friends and family. The situation will only get worse if you stay. I hope you find the strength to get out of this situation x

lulu1

Get out if you don't want to do it for yourself do it for your child because they will grow up thinking it normal behaviour. He is a brute op and will never change. You owe him nothing but owe it to your child to get out
Only you can make that decision

Seth Brundle

How long until he becomes physically abusive towards the kids?
Get out ASAP

Redser87

Well done for getting back in touch with women's aid. I'm glad they were able to give you such concrete advice. I hope you'll get that appointment soon. In the meantime, try not to give him any indication that you want out. Please take care.

Fakediamond

My heart goes out to you OP, you must feel very lonely in the relationship and isolated in a small place away from family. I hope you can confide your worries, fears and plans in a trusted friend or family member.

Be very careful about your email, phone, social media privacy from now on. Make sure he never finds out that you might be leaving him, it’s a dangerous time and he will increase the control and manipulation to get you to stay. Don’t tell his sister either, she might decide to have a chat with him to try and get him to behave better, which would be a very bad idea.

Verity.

tyall wrote: »

Thank you for the advice. I am not originally from this village but he is. He is surrounded by his own family and his own friends. I would consider his younger sister a very good friend of mine.
My family are across the border and we see them maybe once every 3 or 4 months.
He works full time and has a great group of pals from his job that think he's great. They have had to pull him out of terrible fights before but laugh it off as him just being a lad. He thinks the whole fighting Irish thing is something to be proud of which is embarrassing.

Anyway I have taken on board about my son possibly growing up to be abusive, I am confident he hasn't seen this abuse or noticed it but he does play hurling with his dad and has witnessed his aggression there for sure. Not towards him but towards the ref usually!!!

I have spoken to women's aid today and they also advised about having plan in place to leave safely. She said that often men will with-hold affection as another form of control. I never thought of it that way before. She also said in her experience it doesn't get better. Only more serious because he sees there are no consequences.

She has put me in touch with a local centre here who has counselling services, I'm not sure how it works but apparently it solely deals with abusive relationships and can help with leaving. I emailed her so should get a slot soon.
Thanks for the advice, I think I just needed it in writing from strangers to verify what is happening isn't normal.
My son will be 6 in March so I am giving myself until then to get my life back on track.

I'm glad that you are taking steps, and advice from women's aid. But please, I know when you're so low and change seems scary it is a huge demotivator. Don't drop the ball on this.

I know you said your family are at the end of their tether with this, but would you not visit them and tell them you've an action plan for once and for all? He has family all around him, willing to back him, but you have nobody? Part and parcel of the abuse is isolation. So you don't have people you love in your ear saying 'leave him' everyday. There is nobody around to see the latest bruise or hear you cry.

My ex showed no affection either until I was threatening to leave. They will never ever show you affection unless there is someone else there to see it, I used to say to him his 'faux affection' made me sick. The thing is, I don't think they truly know how to love. You just belong to them, you're their property. When they feel like they are losing their grip on you it's all 'you know I love you's until they see it's not working.. then it gets physical. 'You're not leaving. Sure who would have you? The fúcking state of you' .... Keep battering her down.

When you leave, you're not telling him. Not till it's done and dusted. You're in the most danger when you tell them you're leaving. That is very important.

Another thing, make no mistake about it.. your son knows. Unless he's not physically in the same house as you at the time, he knows. They see it as a way of life and say nothing. My youngest son was your son's age when it all came to a head. They are teenagers now, and can regale a lot of what went on. I'm so close to them, and always have been. It hurts me so much I have allowed them to have those memories. Please don't assume anything about what your son hears and sees.