36 and lost all hope for love/family

LegacyUser

I'm feeling very down at the moment about my complete lack of love/sex life. Turning 37 later this year and I have lost all hope of ever meeting anyone or having a family. I had a few flings in my twenties but nothing that lasted more than a few months. I've been internet dating for the last 10 years and had dates but nothing that has lasted longer than 3 dates or so. Nothing physical would ever happen in those dates either. I am not that tactile with people and am very physically awkward (thank you repressed Catholic upbringing) so unless I've had a few drinks would not be able to make a move on anyone. No-one has shown any interest in me for the last few years and I can't see it changing.

I make a lot of effort to meet people and am involved with many sports club. I have asked men out through these and been rejected (in nice ways). Most are dating young, foreign girls now. I know my self-esteem is very low and that is a turn-off so I have tried counselling. It didn't work for me as no amount of positive thinking will change my reality. What man is going to want to date a 37 year old women who has no sexual experience and never been in a relationship when they can get a 25 year old Brazillian? I want to go back to the care-free, hopeless romantic that I was in my 20's but years of rejections and negative experiences have just made me bitter towards men and that really is the most unattractive trait that I can't seem to suppress. Any advice or help would be much appreciated for what I fear might soon be a lost cause

Shine2018

You are not a lost cause OP. I’m still in my 20s but I know the feeling. It’s good that you are involved in your community and keep yourself engaged. When the right person comes along, you want to give the impression that you are living your life to the fullest.

As for sexual prowess, that’s not something you are obligated to divulge early on or at all. When it gets to that stage, you only have to go as far as you’re comfortable with.

Have you tried a matchmaking dating agency? It’s significantly pricier than dating sites but at least you know the person on the other side is just as committed.

LegacyUser

Shine2018 wrote: »

You are not a lost cause OP. I’m still in my 20s but I know the feeling. It’s good that you are involved in your community and keep yourself engaged. When the right person comes along, you want to give the impression that you are living your life to the fullest.

As for sexual prowess, that’s not something you are obligated to divulge early on or at all. When it gets to that stage, you only have to go as far as you’re comfortable with.

Have you tried a matchmaking dating agency? It’s significantly pricier than dating sites but at least you know the person on the other side is just as committed.

Reread your post. It's ridiculous and offers zero help. 'when the right person comes along you want to give the impression you're living life...'
What the hell?!
Op, ignore that poster and do not hand your money over to a dating agency.
The crux of the issue here is your self esteem as you are well aware. Fix that and the rest will follow. It's no easy feat but you've gotta stop comparing yourself to other people. Anytime a negative thought comes into your mind replace it with a positive one. Remind yourself of all the good things about you. Go clothes shopping and get a new haircut/colour. Listen to music that makes you happy. Go swimming or surfing or anything that makes you feel good. You sound like a lovely person and 36 is so young.
Lost cause my ass!! You are far from it lady. Chin up and try to surround yourself with positivity.

GreeBo

I'm 40 and met and married my 40 year old wife 4 years ago and we now have a 2 month old baby.

Until it happened it didn't look like happening, as they say in the investment ads, past performance is not an indicator of future outcomes!

Stick at it, don't treat every date as the start of a relationship, that's something you look back at and realise, putting that sort of pressure on a date will mostly kill it.

zapper55

Op im a little older than you and i completely get why you would feel like that. Maybe you are noticing things that confirm your perceptions.

Yeah there are some guys that prefer much younger girls but its rare in my experience. The foreign thing, not as rare but i think its as much that people new to this country are more proactive about meeting people and more opportunities arise. There's nothing stopping you doing the same with pub crawls, team sports or getting chatting to guys at parties.

There are lots of lovely guys in their thirties. Many are looking for a partner.

I was in a rut for a while and really got into fitness to help my mind and body. It definitely helped my dating life. I'm a big believer in that you need to be what you want to attract. So if you want someone that enjoys his life and is quite a positive person for example, is that you too. Good luck.

zapper55

Also it's interesting that you say no amount of positive thinking will affect reality. Your low self esteem is affecting your perception of life, your value in relationships. Your thinking directly affects your reality.

You say you are in many sports clubs. Dp you enjoy them, do you get a sense of fun from them? You sound like you need more joy in your life and get out if your comfort zone. What would you love to do but are afraid to try? Travelling away for the weekeind on your own for example? You are a healthy 36 year old. You have your life ahead of you. Many people would kill to be back where you are now. Be kind to yourself.

Daisy78

Your self esteem can't be that low if your confident enough to ask guys out? Why do you think you might not have been as successful as you would like to be when it comes to dating/romance?

LegacyUser

Daisy78 wrote: »

Your self esteem can't be that low if your confident enough to ask guys out? Why do you think you might not have been as successful as you would like to be when it comes to dating/romance?

OP here.

The 2 times I asked guys out in the last few years I had thought there was something between us as we got on so well, but they just wanted to be friends. Also, I asked them out by text after I had a few drinks for dutch courage!I think I am very socially awkward and have a huge anxiety about spending lots of time around people so that probably comes across. I am an introvert and prefer my own company but I do like the company of others and have a few very close male and female friends. I'm not a social butterfly though and would rarely go out socialising to pubs etc. Think its been about a year since I had a proper night out. When I do go out I just get depressed about my singe status so I would rather just go home after meeting friends for dinner or cinema.

In response to another question. I really enjoy the sports clubs I am involved with. I travel by myself as most of my friends are married with kids at this stage. I'm sick of putting myself out there and doing things by myself all the time. Though I always try and mask that as much as I can and be a positive, fun person to be around. I would love to loose my inhibitions and have a one night stand or even just kiss someone ( as its been about 5 years since either happened!) but I am just to awkward for either too happen.

I don't think a paid dating agency is for me. I am absolutely drained from internet dating. scrolling through everyone, messaging for days/weeks and then if you do actually get to meet, putting your best foot forward and then not feeling anything or it just fizzling out with ghosting after 3 dates. I'm just drained from the whole dating that way as I've been at it for 10 years and at this stage I can't see that working for me.

Thank you all for your advice so far.

Xterminator

......I am not that tactile with people and am very physically awkward (thank you repressed Catholic upbringing) so unless I've had a few drinks would not be able to make a move on anyone.
..... I'm not a social butterfly though and would rarely go out socialising to pubs etc.
......I don't think a paid dating agency is for me. I am absolutely drained from internet dating.

Hi Op

My advice would be to work on yourself half as hard as you have pursued a partner. You say you are repressed, and need to drink to become uninhibited. You feel depressed if you go out, and put on a mask for everyone else that you are happy. and you feel drained from what you have been doing.

Its time to put the focus on yourself. you haven't said one positive thing about what you have to offer. You sound caring and sensitive, and have much to offer. You are just a little stuck in a rut.

so do you need to change how you have been approaching things. Id recommend you read something like this book, and examine yourself & how you feel about you.

https://www.amazon.com/Deeper-Dating-Seduction-Discover-Intimacy/dp/1611801222

LegacyUser

I really hate clichés but I do think there's a lot of truth in that "We are the authors of our own destiny" one!

I'm 37, I met my boyfriend a year or so ago, he's 39, was very sexually inexperienced, had never previously had a girlfriend, was nervous about everything that was kind of intimate at the start.

He was also really kind, charasmatic, funny and didn't really care that he'd never had a girlfriend...he felt like a relationship seemed like a really big deal so he wasn't willing to do it with just anyone. He's incredibly well-rounded, has a huge circle or proper sound friends, a lovely close-knof family who've all embraced me. He's always behaved like he's bringing as much to the table as I am...and he is

Thing is OP - You're probably a really fun person who is well able to have and maintain solid meaningful friendships and relationships....but if all you do is focus on how old and inexperienced you are then that's going to continue to be the theme in all of your failed dating experiences and relationships.

A true, legit connection balances on a lot more than sexual experience

Sardine

It’s funny how if you were a guy you’d be called bitter for how you’re talking about men going off with younger foreign women. I’m 38 myself and single and have no interest in foreign women really as the cultural differences are often a pain. I wouldn’t mind meeting someone myself but it’s mostly down to me not putting the effort in, I don’t blame women. Anyway I’ve no advice really just don’t tar us all wirh the same brush. Get your sh*t together and you’ll have a better chance of meeting someone, but you also need to accept that you may be single forever, it’s better than being in a bad relationship.

ElizaBennett

OP you say you'd love to have a one night stand or even kiss someone - and that's what I think you should focus on doing, though I may be unpopular for suggesting it. I think you need to remove the mystique and drama from sexual experiences and not imagine they have to always be full of meaning and significance and really impressive for the other person for that matter. I think a ONS, as long as it was reasonably pleasurable and stress free, would help you relax about things. And you'd gain experience very quickly. That's what I'd do tbh. That's what I did do - albeit quite far back in time. But it was a time that I was inexperienced and insecure about myself and what I had to offer. Now I'm very confident and know what I'm doing. We're not born experts at anything - we need experience to learn. Obviously you need to put yourself in the way of casual sex and that's a big part of your problem - that will involve socialising unfortunately.
Don't give up. The negative vibe will ooze from you if you've given up. You need to exude positivity as it's so very attractive. Easier said than done but there are ways to help affirm all that you have to offer as a person - which is a lot. Whether through counselling or some form of self help.

.......

Love can happen at any age. I remember a 76 year old friend of mine who was in a very bad marriage (his wife was an alcoholic) and he was miserable for decades. She died and suddenly he was being chased by all manner of ladies, apparently single men are thin on the ground at that age so he was well in demand.

Anyway. No one is going to love you until you love yourself. Why would they? Read your first post and look at the impression you create of yourself. Thats what you are projecting into the world.

I also agree with the poster who suggested you focus on ditching the awkwardness around sexual intimacy. Thats what I would do too. Its creating an unnecessary barrier for you to forming romantic relationships. Why are you awkward about making a physical move? Whats the worst that can happen? Particularly with a stranger, so what if they turn you down?

You are very very hard on yourself. On the point about 25 year old Brazilians - there is ALWAYS someone younger, better looking, sexier, better girl friend material etc... Always. You cant look at it that way.

I think you need to work on your self esteem. You also should speak to your GP or someone about your anxiety about social interactions.

You may need to think outside the box regarding dating. Instead of online dating (which is shallow and soul destroying) you may need a more targeted approach, something that specifically targets people who want more than just a fizzle out after 3 dates.

ginandtonicsky

stuckwithhopelessfeeling wrote: »

What man is going to want to date a 37 year old women who has no sexual experience and never been in a relationship when they can get a 25 year old Brazillian?

Lots of men, is the answer to this. If you can just get over the self-pity and construct a more positive narrative about yourself and your life. And I say that with the utmost care and respect. You've clearly got a lot to offer, and you're willing to be vulnerable and brave in your search to find a partner. But you're selling yourself so very short with this negative-think.

We have to be careful about the stories that we tell about ourselves, because it's so easy to become them. And I know it's tough out there - particularly if you're on the brutal dating apps and especially when you're a +35 woman where society has a very narrow view of what your value is. But you simply CAN'T continue projecting this oh-so-depressing idea of yourself and of men and expect someone wonderful to walk into your life. It's madness!

So you've got two options. Continue down this path where men are horrible and don't look at 'women like you' and yet they have this massive power over you because you hate being single. Or change. Those are the options. Which one is it?

I'd recommend baby steps, if you really want to change. Start listening to some podcasts on the way to work. I recommend "Dear Sugars" and "Ted Radio Hour". "Be your own life coach", if you're into reading instead. Re-think the counselling - you obviously had the wrong therapist or took the wrong therapeutic approach. Counselling helps everyone, it does require patience though and sometimes shopping around to find the right person. I'd suggest Cognitive Behavioural to re-programme your brain away from the negative thinking pattern you've developed.

And thirdly, change your approach. Maybe ten years on tinder/POF/match.com is enough for you. I think it's at least time to park your accounts for a while, it seems to be having a really detrimental affect on how you think about men. Not many of the good men I know be they exes or friends or work acquaintances would "prefer some 25 year old Brazilian" to someone on their own wave length who wants the same things, comes from a similar background and who they can laugh and build a life with. That's a certain type of dude you'll probably find more commonly on tinder than in the real world.

Do a bit of research. Any friends that can introduce you to single men in their lives? Any friends of friends that have always been on your radar? Where do you need to be to meet them? Crossfit, hiking or triathlon training meet-ups, house/dinner parties with acquaintances, work networking conferences and events. These are a few that come to mind. Most of my ex partners I've met through work or friend-of-friend type situations, so get creative and think about ways you can find those opportunities in your own life.

And finally - how's your appearance? Do you wear makeup, have a stylish hair cut, well groomed, take an interest in fashion? Men are visual creatures and as much as many of them say they like "natural" women, I get a million times more attention when I make the effort to be more feminine versus tracksuit bottoms and hoodie and most women are the same. Be brutal with yourself, or ask someone you trust for an honest opinion. The right man will want you for who you are but this kind of stuff can be life-changing in terms of who notices you in the first place.

wylo

Great post there , don’t know if anyone could add much more.

I just wanted to say I’d definitely second the shopping around thing with therapy etc.

Therapists are people too and it’s great to find someone you can connect with where you feel heard and where you can get breathing space to work on your stuff.

I would definitely think that only focusing on yourself for the next while essential to your process.

Arrival

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

And finally - how's your appearance? Do you wear makeup, have a stylish hair cut, well groomed, take an interest in fashion? Men are visual creatures and as much as many of them say they like "natural" women, I get a million times more attention when I make the effort to be more feminine versus tracksuit bottoms and hoodie and most women are the same. Be brutal with yourself, or ask someone you trust for an honest opinion. The right man will want you for who you are but this kind of stuff can be life-changing in terms of who notices you in the first place.

Are you actually serious here? That's absolutely not what lads mean when we say we prefer natural women. We mean we prefer modestly, but stylishly, dressed women with minimal makeup rather than women dressed in barely anything and caked in makeup. It's why so many of us love foreign women nowadays, they actually have a handle on these things and the majority I've met have genuinely been so puzzled by Irish girls choice to wear so much makeup because, and I quote "so many Irish girls have lovely freckles and great facial structure and nice pale skin, why are they covering that up and trying to change so much?" (And I completely agree with them). Some of the fashion and make-up trends here are absolutely trashhh. But ohhh no, Irish men CAN'T share these opinions with Irish women because we are absolutely lambasted since apparently women ONLY wear makeup for themselves and to impress other women.

So work away, enjoy the makeup and all that effort to impress other women and Irish men will work away with the foreign women who are also far more open minded, open to being approached, less judgemental and, most of all, very enthusiastic about paying for themselves and seeming independent and not entitled. Meanwhile I've had a 28 year old Irish girl tell me that she thinks the man should pay for everything for the first few months of dating until it's agreed that the relationship is serious and exclusive, poor girl is deluded lmao!

keepalive213

You have to learn to like yourself before you can expect anyone else to. You sound like you are programmed not to. This inadvertently affects your body language, mannerisms etc in social situations. It stops you being your charming witty self!
Things are never as bad as they seem, if something really bad happened you tomorrow you would look back on today with nostalgia yet we never appreciate it at the time.
Keep your head up, you are relatively young yet.

Emme

Arrival wrote: »

Are you actually serious here? That's absolutely not what lads mean when we say we prefer natural women. We mean we prefer modestly, but stylishly, dressed women with minimal makeup rather than women dressed in barely anything and caked in makeup. It's why so many of us love foreign women nowadays, they actually have a handle on these things and the majority I've met have genuinely been so puzzled by Irish girls choice to wear so much makeup because, and I quote "so many Irish girls have lovely freckles and great facial structure and nice pale skin, why are they covering that up and trying to change so much?" (And I completely agree with them). Some of the fashion and make-up trends here are absolutely trashhh. But ohhh no, Irish men CAN'T share these opinions with Irish women because we are absolutely lambasted since apparently women ONLY wear makeup for themselves and to impress other women.

So work away, enjoy the makeup and all that effort to impress other women and Irish men will work away with the foreign women who are also far more open minded, open to being approached, less judgemental and, most of all, very enthusiastic about paying for themselves and seeming independent and not entitled. Meanwhile I've had a 28 year old Irish girl tell me that she thinks the man should pay for everything for the first few months of dating until it's agreed that the relationship is serious and exclusive, poor girl is deluded lmao!

We are supposed to support and help the OP when we post here.

Perhaps tact is not your strongest point. Perhaps some Irish girls wear a lot of make-up and fake tan because they mistakenly think it will make them more like the darker foreign girls so many Irish men go for. The 28 year old Irish girl you met may have been trying to get rid of you in a roundabout way or you are meeting the wrong Irish girls. I think most Irish girls are open to paying for themselves now.


OP you say you like your sports club but would you join another one and meet new people? Take up another sport?

I'm not being horrible but drunk texting people is not the best way to ask them out and a fast track to rejection. The best way is to keep things very casual such as "I'm going to see such and such film next week, would you like to come along?" Or suggest meeting for coffee. I know it sounds tough but the best way is face-to-face in a very casual way.

Foreign girls are at an advantage when it comes to socialising with men because most of them come from societies where the genders are not segregated in schools. In Ireland girls tend to go on girls' nights out and lads on lads' nights out whereas in foreign countries genders are happy to socialise together in a group. This means they are more at ease with each other. I always found foreign guys easier to chat to and I dated a few but they are no better or worse than Irish guys. However I always found it much harder to get talking to Irish guys.

The poster above may be tactless but he has a point about too much make-up. If you're not used to wearing it get good professional advice and pay for it - don't go to a make-up counter where they want to sell as many products as possible. Get good advice on hair - if you get it coloured don't bleach it to a harsh platinum if you're not naturally platinum, get subtle highlights that complement your own colour. If your style is sporty you can wear nice jeans, smart trainers and a feminine top when you go out. Focus on improving your self-confidence and enjoying yourself, not on meeting somebody.

I don't think paid dating agencies are the way to go - most of them have a surplus of women and some promise lots but are unable to deliver.

Good luck.

Neyite

Mod:


A reminder - please keep your replies on topic and helpful to the OP, and not get into a debate with other posters. It's an advice forum.

Neyite

Arrival wrote: »

Are you actually serious here? That's absolutely not what lads mean when we say we prefer natural women. We mean we prefer modestly, but stylishly, dressed women with minimal makeup rather than women dressed in barely anything and caked in makeup. It's why so many of us love foreign women nowadays, they actually have a handle on these things and the majority I've met have genuinely been so puzzled by Irish girls choice to wear so much makeup because, and I quote "so many Irish girls have lovely freckles and great facial structure and nice pale skin, why are they covering that up and trying to change so much?" (And I completely agree with them). Some of the fashion and make-up trends here are absolutely trashhh. But ohhh no, Irish men CAN'T share these opinions with Irish women because we are absolutely lambasted since apparently women ONLY wear makeup for themselves and to impress other women.

So work away, enjoy the makeup and all that effort to impress other women and Irish men will work away with the foreign women who are also far more open minded, open to being approached, less judgemental and, most of all, very enthusiastic about paying for themselves and seeming independent and not entitled. Meanwhile I've had a 28 year old Irish girl tell me that she thinks the man should pay for everything for the first few months of dating until it's agreed that the relationship is serious and exclusive, poor girl is deluded lmao!

Mod:


Sweeping generalisations aren't wanted around here. If you've advice for the OP, post it, but take your bashing of Irish women elsewhere.

uck51js9zml2yt

Op I met my wife at 38, married at 40 and had the first of 2 kids at 42.

The rest is sleepless nights and hugs:)

LegacyUser

Op here again. Thank you all for your replies. It is definitely heartening to hear that some of you met your partners later in life.

I know that the person who suggested CBT to work on self esteem is probably right. I work in the area of mental health so I am acutely aware of my own and just feel like I know all of the 'strategies' that go with CBT but it's probably my only avenue at the moment to shift my unattractive negative thinking. Maybe its just about finding the right therapist though.

As for personal grooming, I do look after myself the best I can. I probably do wear too much makeup. Once again stemming from my own insecurities I would feel very ugly without it on. Maybe I spend too much time on Boards but I feel that Arrivals' attitude is that of many men I know and meet. I am very pale also and don't tan so I do wear a good bit of fake tan but that's because it is often commented on how pale and sickly I look.

SusieBlue

Hopeless101 wrote: »

Op here again. Thank you all for your replies. It is definitely heartening to hear that some of you met your partners later in life.

I know that the person who suggested CBT to work on self esteem is probably right. I work in the area of mental health so I am acutely aware of my own and just feel like I know all of the 'strategies' that go with CBT but it's probably my only avenue at the moment to shift my unattractive negative thinking. Maybe its just about finding the right therapist though.

As for personal grooming, I do look after myself the best I can. I probably do wear too much makeup. Once again stemming from my own insecurities I would feel very ugly without it on. Maybe I spend too much time on Boards but I feel that Arrivals' attitude is that of many men I know and meet. I am very pale also and don't tan so I do wear a good bit of fake tan but that's because it is often commented on how pale and sickly I look.

Just to give a differing view, I also wear quite a lot of make up and fake tan, I also have hair extensions, eyelash extensions and acrylic nails, and I've never had a negative comment from a man about it.
I'm not high maintenance and I go makeup free at least 3 days a week, but when I do wear it, I tend to wear a lot.
This has never stopped me meeting someone, or stopped me being approached on nights out, or hindered my success when I dabbled in online dating.

I would take no heed to the opinion of Arrival, because he is talking about his own personal preference. Which is just that, a preference.

If you feel confident and happy wearing tan and makeup, please do not stop, especially on the weak whim it might attract a man. Don't change yourself.

It sounds to me that this is going to be an inside out job. You need to work on your inner self in order to feel happier with your outer self.

Emme

SusieBlue wrote: »

Just to give a differing view, I also wear quite a lot of make up and fake tan, I also have hair extensions, eyelash extensions and acrylic nails, and I've never had a negative comment from a man about it.
I'm not high maintenance and I go makeup free at least 3 days a week, but when I do wear it, I tend to wear a lot.

Sorry, that's high maintenance even if you do go makeup free at least 3 days a week.

SusieBlue

Emme wrote: »

Sorry, that's high maintenance even if you do go makeup free at least 3 days a week.

Completely disagree, being high maintenance is more about attitude than about appearance.
I'll happily go without all of those things, I'm confident without all of those things, I have them because I like how they make me look.
Now, if I refused to leave the house without my nails done or a fresh blowdry, that would be different.
But I don't. Which is exactly why I presume I've never had a negative comment from a man about my extensions etc. - they all knew I was just as happy without them.

Neyite

Emme wrote: »

Sorry, that's high maintenance even if you do go makeup free at least 3 days a week.

Depends on the point of view though. For some women certain beauty care is considered essential to them, but for me it would be in the getting-dolled-up-for-a-wedding territory.

But regardless of whether the OP wears a lot of makeup or not, the fact is that the old saying goes "for every old sock, there's an old shoe" meaning that we can be all different shapes, sizes and maintenance levels and we can find someone who loves us for who we are.

I don't think that the OP ditching the fake tan is going to fix the issue. It's not a quick fix like that. It goes beyond skin deep. How can we put ourselves out there to say to someone "consider me amazing enough to spend the rest of your life with" if we don't know if we even like ourselves that much? That gets fixed with working on the psyche, not changing the brand of beauty product.

.......

SusieBlue wrote: »

It sounds to me that this is going to be an inside out job. You need to work on your inner self in order to feel happier with your outer self.

^^ This.

No amount of fake tan and eyelashes in the world is going to make you more attractive if you have the attitude that you are unloveable.

Different people find different physical things attractive but I would think that almost universally, being self confident and happy in who you are is an attractive trait.

LolaJJ

SusieBlue wrote: »

Just to give a differing view, I also wear quite a lot of make up and fake tan, I also have hair extensions, eyelash extensions and acrylic nails, and I've never had a negative comment from a man about it.
I'm not high maintenance and I go makeup free at least 3 days a week, but when I do wear it, I tend to wear a lot.
This has never stopped me meeting someone, or stopped me being approached on nights out, or hindered my success when I dabbled in online dating.
It sounds to me that this is going to be an inside out job. You need to work on your inner self in order to feel happier with your outer self.

I'm tired just reading that...

Seriously tho, I spent a good chunk of my late twenties and early thirties wearing hair extensions, nail extensions, eyelash extensions and tan...In fact, I got complimented ALL THE TIME on how together I was....and I would have considered myself pretty low maintenance, and believed it. But like, having all those things to hide behind and fixate on makes it kind of impossible to be yourself and even know what you are.

I gave up on all those things gradually about 4-5 years ago (still get my eyelashes done for special occasions) and honestly when I look back at how insecure I was that I needed all of those things....I feel sad for me.

I don't think anyone would be going to all that trouble and expense without feeling some form of inadequacy

SusieBlue

LolaJJ wrote: »

I'm tired just reading that...

Seriously tho, I spent a good chunk of my late twenties and early thirties wearing hair extensions, nail extensions, eyelash extensions and tan...In fact, I got complimented ALL THE TIME on how together I was....and I would have considered myself pretty low maintenance, and believed it. But like, having all those things to hide behind and fixate on makes it kind of impossible to be yourself and even know what you are.

I gave up on all those things gradually about 4-5 years ago (still get my eyelashes done for special occasions) and honestly when I look back at how insecure I was that I needed all of those things....I feel sad for me.

I don't think anyone would be going to all that trouble and expense without feeling some form of inadequacy

Sorry, but no. You can enjoy indulging in beauty treatments without it meaning you have an inferiority complex.
I'm 27, I have no kids, I don't smoke and rarely drink, so I like spending my money on grooming. I don't doubt that there will come a day where I can't afford to do this any more, and that's ok, I'll enjoy it while I can.

It doesn't mean I (or any other woman who uses such treatments) am insecure or sad, or feel inadequate.
And it really isn't a lot of work, extensions get re-done every 5 months, lashes every 6 weeks, nails monthly, and tan weekly.
I don't need them, I just like them.

I find it very interesting how when a woman enjoys dressing modestly/plainly and doesn't use tan/makeup she's praised for being natural and any suggestions to change that are quashed because "that's who she is" and she shouldn't change.
Yet when the opposite is the case its automatically assumed there's some sort of self esteem issues at play.

nthclare

SusieBlue wrote: »

Sorry, but no. You can enjoy indulging in beauty treatments without it meaning you have an inferiority complex.
I'm 27, I have no kids, I don't smoke and rarely drink, so I like spending my money on grooming. I don't doubt that there will come a day where I can't afford to do this any more, and that's ok, I'll enjoy it while I can.

It doesn't mean I (or any other woman who uses such treatments) am insecure or sad, or feel inadequate.
And it really isn't a lot of work, extensions get re-done every 5 months, lashes every 6 weeks, nails monthly, and tan weekly.
I don't need them, I just like them.

I find it very interesting how when a woman enjoys dressing modestly/plainly and doesn't use tan/makeup she's praised for being natural and any suggestions to change that are quashed because "that's who she is" and she shouldn't change.
Yet when the opposite is the case its automatically assumed there's some sort of self esteem issues at play.

I was very clean cut and dapper up until two years ago, got my first tattoo...then another...then another.....the beat goes on...
Have a beard now, and out with the clean cut image in with the tats and rugged look.
I actually feel more myself than when I was clean cut.

SusieBlue

nthclare wrote: »

I was very clean cut and dapper up until two years ago, got my first tattoo...then another...then another.....the beat goes on...
Have a beard now, and out with the clean cut image in with the tats and rugged look.
I actually feel more myself than when I was clean cut.

Its nothing to do with being clean cut, its about feeling happy and confident in how you look.
It doesn't matter what that "look" actually is".

OP has said she likes wearing heavy makeup and tan, and that she feels more confident with them.
Nobody should be telling her to wear less, or to change, just on the weak whim it might attract a man.
Same as it wouldn't be acceptable to tell a woman who prefers a natural look to go and get some extensions and a spray tan so men will like her!

Sardine

I find heavy make up and especially fake tan very unattractive, but certain types of blokes like that look, same way certain blokes like myself like low key women. I don't have a beard or tattoos but I see some women on dating apps specifically request guys who beards and tattoos. Horses for courses.

dudara

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dudara

Gadfly Girl

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, it sounds like you are jaded from taking all the typical advice out there. I have a different and possibly blunt solution for you. I think that you need to learn to be your own source of happiness and joy. All the things we're conditioned to believe are attained through a partnership are achievable solo too. For example; if you dream of children look into options for fostering or solo motherhood, if you dream of living somewhere in particular with the love of your life try that alone. If you wish to explore your sexuality start by exploring your fantasies and your own body.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We cannot control whether we will meet a life partner no matter how beautiful, smart or charismatic we are. Even meeting a partner does not guarantee it will last or that a tragic event will not occur. I believe that you must take responsibility for all your dreams coming true, they may not be in the exact way you hoped and you may still feel it would be nice to share your fulfilling life with someone but it is possible to be truly happy alone even if that's not what your plan A was. Life is too short to wait for something that may not happen. Learn gradually by making your own happiness and fulfilment whether with small things or big.

Try to think about your dream relationship and what you might do together, then find a way to do those things for yourself. Allow yourself to accept and value yourself just as you are. You are single, you are unique and you have value. Perhaps you will meet someone wonderful along your life path and perhaps you won't but either way you will be giving yourself the love and fulfilment you deserve. You do not need to change who you are or how you look, you just need to become more of you. To learn to appreciate yourself and build on your qualities and things you like about yourself. To wear the clothes that you feel most lovely in and to be authentically your true self.

Take some time to think about who you are, your childhood dreams, your current dreams, your dream career are you fulfilling those dreams? What are the small steps you need to take towards making them a reality (things that ARE in your control). I recommend volunteering for meeting new people and gaining new experiences.

I wish you every bit of luck in finding that special someone but also in finding and appreciating your wonderful self.

LolaJJ

SusieBlue wrote: »

Sorry, but no. You can enjoy indulging in beauty treatments without it meaning you have an inferiority complex.
I'm 27, I have no kids, I don't smoke and rarely drink, so I like spending my money on grooming. I don't doubt that there will come a day where I can't afford to do this any more, and that's ok, I'll enjoy it while I can.

It doesn't mean I (or any other woman who uses such treatments) am insecure or sad, or feel inadequate.
And it really isn't a lot of work, extensions get re-done every 5 months, lashes every 6 weeks, nails monthly, and tan weekly.
I don't need them, I just like them.

I find it very interesting how when a woman enjoys dressing modestly/plainly and doesn't use tan/makeup she's praised for being natural and any suggestions to change that are quashed because "that's who she is" and she shouldn't change.
Yet when the opposite is the case its automatically assumed there's some sort of self esteem issues at play.

That's a fair point, well made.

I can only speak from my own experience. The only thing I will say as i'm aware of not dragging this thread too far off topic is that since toning down my look, opting for a more natural effortless approach the quality of the guys I started meeting increased significantly. My other half is kind, committed, generous, loving, successful and really attractive and he's actually looked at photos of me when I'd all that stuff glued on to me and said he probably wouldn't have asked me out back then because he'd have assumed I was a certain way...

Plopsu

stuckwithhopelessfeeling wrote: »

I make a lot of effort to meet people and am involved with many sports club. I have asked men out through these and been rejected (in nice ways).

Good that you're meeting people. Were the men you asked out actually available? Did you ask them out because they were attractive or because you'd gotten to know them? Could be lots of reasons why they said no and many of them would have nothing to do with you (just circumstance).

ibarelycare

LolaJJ wrote: »

That's a fair point, well made.

I can only speak from my own experience. The only thing I will say as i'm aware of not dragging this thread too far off topic is that since toning down my look, opting for a more natural effortless approach the quality of the guys I started meeting increased significantly. My other half is kind, committed, generous, loving, successful and really attractive and he's actually looked at photos of me when I'd all that stuff glued on to me and said he probably wouldn't have asked me out back then because he'd have assumed I was a certain way...

Assumed you were a certain way? Your bf sounds just as judgmental as you, so seems like ye’re well-suited.

.......

LolaJJ wrote: »

That's a fair point, well made.

I can only speak from my own experience. The only thing I will say as i'm aware of not dragging this thread too far off topic is that since toning down my look, opting for a more natural effortless approach the quality of the guys I started meeting increased significantly. My other half is kind, committed, generous, loving, successful and really attractive and he's actually looked at photos of me when I'd all that stuff glued on to me and said he probably wouldn't have asked me out back then because he'd have assumed I was a certain way...

This seems to be suggesting that kind, committed, generous, loving, successful and really attractive men are not available for girls who are a "certain way" (whatever that means!) and that only low quality guys are (what does THAT mean?).

It all sounds extremely shallow tbh.

zoobizoo

stuckwithhopelessfeeling wrote: »

Most are dating young, foreign girls now.

I know my self-esteem is very low and that is a turn-off so I have tried counselling. It didn't work for me as no amount of positive thinking will change my reality.

What man is going to want to date a 37 year old women who has no sexual experience and never been in a relationship when they can get a 25 year old Brazillian?

I want to go back to the care-free, hopeless romantic that I was in my 20's (

You need to work on your self esteem. Your reality is based on skewed thinking. The reality is that the percentage of men dating young foreign girls is small.

Having dated younger women and having dated foreign women, I realised that I prefer someone closer in age to me and someone with English as a first language. My now wife was 36 when we started dating. I was 42.

Would make no difference to me regarding experience. That is not a negative for many I would imagine.

We can never return to the care free way we used to be because we can't return to a time when we were less mature, with less worldly experience ... but we can embrace the people we now are. It woudl be like trying to recreate our first crush, or our first kiss, our first job, our first foreign holiday...

Good luck