Moved in with partner

marizpan

Hi,
I am feeling very overwhelmed at the moment and I just need to get some perspective and get feedback from others as I am unsure that my feelings/expectations are reasonable.

Background:
I have moved in with my partner slowly during the course of the Summer but I guess officially only in the last few weeks. We are in out 30’s & 40’s. Both professional and both home owners and dating for a couple of years.
He has never lived with a partner before although he has had several long term relationships. I am separated and I have three children ( ages 7-12).

We decided to move into his house due to the better location for work and access to better schools. He is keen to marry and have a child of his own, where as those things are less important to me.
We both want to live together. It would allow the relationship to progress on, the social structure and support that it provides and the reduction in commuting to see each other.

He is a wonderful, loving and caring guy. We get on fantastic and really make each other laugh. And we both feel blessed to be with each other. He loves children and is great with mine. He is very broody for his own children.
I have stepped down career wise to working half time for the next 12 months or so to facilitate the move and ensure that it is as smooth as possible for the children.

My issue is that I am feeling very overwhelmed and low at the moment. I do not feel like I am getting any support.
There is so much work involved in the move from moving schools and sport clubs, to sorting out his house , to sorting out my own house etc. My house was very well kept and efficient and modern where as his is very old period house and while it is cute, it lacks good heating, proper kitchen, a dishwasher and many other things.
At the moment I feel that I have done all the moving/risk and now I just have extra laundry, a bigger house to clean and a large amount of dishes to wash every single day, while trying to figure out the new area and enrol kids in activities and get ready for the new school term.
I have asked for more support several times and he just gives hugs whereas I view support as action based. And I have explained this to him but it doesn’t seem to be sinking in. I actually need him to do ‘something’ and I give him a list of suggestions that would help ie. organise the new dishwasher, contact the local GAA and enrol the kids etc.

I feel so overwhelmed with everything at the moment that I just went home to my house for a few days, where everything works and is familiar.
I feel very alone in all this and while I do admit to having a more romantic expectation than want could be reasonable, the current situation is way below any expectations.
And chats about his broodiness just terrifies me at the moment as I feel so overwhelmed and I do not see his life being put out by any of this.
I just feel that the burden and settling in of the move should be shared by both of us.

I appreciate the feedback.

Therustynail

From first reading , I think you are being harsh on your partner.
If you look at it from his perspective , he now has three extra children in his house and you are expecting that he should help with the raising of your children i.e enrol the children in the local GAA. It is no doubt a big change for him also and it looks as if he is very decent guy. I think you need to examine your reasons for moving in and your expectations from the relationship. It seems like you have differing opinions on a child in the future too which could cause resentment down the line.
You need to be clear on what you expect from him and have an adult conversation around what you expect and what he is willing & able to give.

woodchuck

It's definitely a challenging time moving in with someone. Everyone has this idea that it'll be all sunshine and lollipops, but the reality is a lot different. Especially since you have 3 kids!!

I think maybe you just need to be more specific about what it is that you want him to do and by when. I think you've figured out that a generic request for support doesn't lead to any results. A list of suggestions is a better idea, but it won't get done any time soon unless he sees a pressing need. You might better off asking him to do something very specific at a set time. E.g. 'I have to do x on Saturday, so you please go and sort out a new dishwasher that afternoon?'. Just a suggestion.

meeeeh

Moving is really stressful, we did it a month after our first was born. You can do some things to ease your load. Get a cleaner. You don't need to make it a constant but if you get it now when you are business for couple of times it might help. Dishwasher can be picked in 10 minutes online and see if they have someone to install it.

You will probably have to deal with enrolling the kids to school yourself but get him to sort out GAA. But don't feel bad getting some help in at the beginning after the move.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

While I sympathise that moving, with children is quite a stressful thing to do...It sounds like you're being a little unreasonable and dare I say, overdramatic. It seems unrealistic that it should take an entire summer to move house. It sounds as though you are making it in to an ordeal.

Can I ask why, if your children now all need to change schools and you clearly preferred your own home, did he not just move in with you?

Perhaps that's the crooks of the issue. Are you harbouring some kind of resentment that it's you who had to change location?

Stellasmurf

Agree with lolaJJ. 
To be honest OP, while I understand this is very stressful for you, I have little sympathy. 
You knew what his living quarters were like, no doubt, before you moved. Also, he now has to take on 3 kids in his home so I think you need to cut the guy some slack here while he also adjusts. The children are still ultimately your responsibility. You must have been aware of how hard the upheaval would be for the kids. It sounds like perhaps he should have moved in to your place where 'everything works'? Make sure he still pills his weight in terms of cleaning up after himself/laundry. Every move take a period of adjustment so I'm sure you will start to feel better about things once a more established, balanced routine is set.

marizpan

Thanks for all your feedback.
The last thing I want to do is to be unreasonable or over dramatic.
I just what to gain a better understanding of how I feel so that I can address the issue.

More information:

The children are already enrolled in the local school and start next week. I would have dealt with this process last spring.
We 'moved' during the summer so that the kids could attend kids camps in the area to help them make friends and ease the transition. So they would spend maybe a few days or a week here and there with packed suitcase.
We only packed belongings a week ago and officially moved in.

He stayed 3-4 nights a week at my house for the past year. This was as much as was practical from a work perspective. His house is in a better location for both of our work. It has access to better schools and sports clubs and therefore was the logical choice for both of us.

The help I would expect is only for about 6 weeks to help with the moving process. It would be practical things like new dishwasher, freezer, organise a man to look at the heating system, furniture shopping, moving boxes etc.
It is hard to get him to agree on any of it as otherwise I would just sort it myself but I also feel that I have a massive amount on myself at the moment.

I do not expect him to look after the children and he does not take on that responsibility. I have someone come into the house to mind them while I'm at work and also I have a cleaner come every fortnight. I get them up every morning and put them to bed every night.

The request about the enrolling in sport relates to the fact that he is very involved in that sport and it would only be a phonecall call for him to find out the enrolment process and training times.

I am a very independent person but I am feeling the strain.
I think the suggestion of giving a task plus timeframe is a good idea and I will try that. I feel that he thinks that I am a very capable and independent person who will just sort every out if he steps aside but he isn't hearing me when I tell him that I need help.

kelfy

Sometimes we overestimate our partners ability even when they are asking for help and maybe he does not realise this if you are capable and independent.

I think it would be worth having a conversation with him about your expectations as a family and what items should take priority - eg. kids activities over hoovering, heating system being fixed over dishes.
If you felt he was on your team a bit more it would help and if you had certain projects tackled it would give you a feeling of support. If you agreed on what you needed as a family in a house - for example if the washing requirements have gone from 1 person to 5, perhaps a larger washing machine is logical - and work together towards these things it may help. This could also prepare him for having his own child with you and what that would be like on a practical level. (I don't have children so I don't really know but I feel like it is easy to romanticise it a bit as 'easy' and underestimate how much life changes).

It sounds like you manage the household more than he does which is fine if that works for you both but perhaps you need certain things to be able to do that and I think it should be fine to ask for those in a clear way.
Moving and adapting into a new situation is stressful and it can take a bit of time to settle in. Good luck!

up for anything

I can see why you are overwhelmed and I don't see that he needs adjustment time to your children moving in or that you should be doing everything for the children now that you have become a family unit. He as much as you knew that there would be dramatic changes. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't be so keen on a 5th child after taking him on too. Surely he should be trying to help you. He hasn't taken on a housekeeper and babymaker or maybe he thinks he has. It seems to me that if he isn't going flat out in the first few weeks to help you settle in and take some of the organisational burdens from you and can't agree on doing a few tasks like organising new appliances, fixing the heating - he can't expect you and the children to freeze for the winter, then he really isn't going to improve over time.

What if you had a baby with him? Would he not bother his arse sorting stuff out.

It really sounds to me like you were expecting someone who would carry his weight - even if a lot of it is your weight at the moment but he was thinking he has a new Mammy moving in to take up his slack. Is he a bit of an old-fashioned man?

Springfields

I don't think you are being unreasonable or over dramatic at all. You have packed up your life in order to begin a new chapter with him , whether it's as partners or a married couple, but he seems to be leaving all the heavy lifting to you . It's should be an exciting if a little stressful time for your both but it seems you are the one feeling the pressure..
He needs to pull his weight in the relationship which includes helping out with the job /chores / lists....and if he is not doing this now then you need to ask directly and set things on the right course or you'll end up sorry you moved. It hopefully could just be a case of him being a bit oblivious to all that needs to be done. But set him straight and hopefully he will see the light
You need to know he can pull his weight before ever considering marriage or another child but I'm guessing you are thinking this already. You seem very reasonable to me...good luck !

messy tessy

up for anything wrote: »

It really sounds to me like you were expecting someone who would carry his weight - even if a lot of it is your weight at the moment but he was thinking he has a new Mammy moving in to take up his slack. Is he a bit of an old-fashioned man?

Given that we have heard very little about how involved the OP's partner is on the day to day stuff I think that is a little unfair.

I think you need to express your concerns about taking on another little human when you are feeling overwhelmed and actually talk about this. You are on completely different pages at the moment.

professore

It's not clear to me why you moved to his house instead of the other way round. Sounds a bit like the mountain coming to Mohammed. It would have been much easier for him to move in with you.

On the tasks, I think you need to be direct with specific tasks. Imagine if you started a completely new job if your boss gave out vague wishes every so often and then got annoyed at you for not completing the tasks that you had zero experience of, zero training, and no clear idea of what your role is? He's never had kids so quite frankly he hasn't a clue - how could he? He needs to be given instructions. A side effect might be he might not be quite so broody when he sees what's involved.