Moving in with my girlfriend and worried about sleep

LegacyUser

I am wondering has anyone advice or if they ran into a similar issue?

Ive been going out with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. I stay at hers on average about 2 nights a week. My sleep quality there is usually pretty bad. It was much worse where I was almost awake all night. It is now just really light constantly waking type sleep.

Its for various reasons, both practical and more psychological. The room is hotter and its a town apartment so opening the window can be pretty damn loud. Its a double bed (or queen bed not sure) so I am not used to being restricted by space. She also has a small dog in the room, which is fine but I can really hear him when hes doing anything awake that night (tbf this is mainly because of my already bad sleep state). Also her body/skin temperature is really hot! I like cuddling, but I am rarely too cold, I am usually too hot already!

Then there is the psychological issue that is my own issue of not really turning off as well when I know I am in bed with someone else, almost too aware or not wanting to bash into her or make loads of noise as I toss and turn etc.

I know I sound like Im being really awkward here so even though she is aware of these kinda things I try not to be too difficult about it or harp on about it too much. For the most part there isnt much she can do.

In fairness to her, she has helped me where she could. We keep the door coming out of the room ajar. She also gives me space in the bed.

But the truth is, even though i love chilling with her at hers when I am going to bed in my own cool-ish and silent room on my own with a full bed to myself it feels like bliss and I sleep like a baby.

So Im gonna be moving in with her in the coming months. On the one hand I think this may help things as perhaps once I get used to it I will learn to get used to all those things, on the other hand I am worried that my sleep will remain pretty crap and Ill be in a constant state of feeling like ****!.

I get a bit depressed and cloudy and anxious when I get bad sleep. So for me its everything.

Any tips would be great!! Thanks

LolaJJ

Hey OP

This might be a weird thing to say.....but are you sure she's the right girl for you?

I only ask because I had this issue with exes - even when I was with one of the my first boyfriends 5 years I never moved in with him (we were young) because I just did not sleep and for my career I need to be able to focus.

It's generally a thing, even travelling with friends if I share a twin room I will struggle to get myself to sleep knowing there's another person present.

When I met my current partner, one of the things I haven't been able to get my head around is how very quickly I was able to share a bed with him and sleep all night. Going in to the relationship it was one of my main concerns but within 4 months I was sleeping solidly as if he wasn't in the bed, in spite of his penchant for cuddling and how warm he gets (which I also previously hated).

I could be WAY-OFF

But, what I will say is that this is the most comfortable, open, relaxed, sane and happy relationship I have ever had. I genuinely feel like I'm home when i am with him so I guess for the first time I've been able to relax and be vulnerable/asleep knowing he's just an extension of me, so, it's grand like.

Hopefully I'm wrong, but your post just reminded me so much of what I used to be like

Ghekko

Does she own her apartment? Could she move to yours instead if it's a quieter area? If that's not possible would she at least agree to putting the dogs bed elsewhere? There's no way in hell I'd share a bedroom with any animal who would disturb my sleep. Leave the bedroom window open until bedtime to keep the room cool. No need for cuddling all night. I'm married years and need my space in bed. Maybe you could change the bed for a bigger size.

LegacyUser

My wife was a very bad & particular sleeper. She had a whole routine (lavender, ipod with wave music, eye mask, ear plugs etc.) about going to bed & had suffered badly with insomnia during her 20s. Her mother said even as a child she was a bad sleeper.

When we 1st started going out she would get quite anxious at night about sharing a bed & just seemed to accept me staying over mean't a bad nights sleep.

Fast forward living together 7 years & now she finds she can't sleep when I am not there. If everything else in the relationship is fine, I think the sleep issues will work themselves out. However you need to take a positive attitude, if you sleep for only 1 hour, think "Great I got an hours sleep" as opposed to I missed 7hrs.

However her sleep issues are still there, if anything is playing on her mind she won't sleep properly & blame it on everything else under the sun "Rooms too warm/cold/humid, birds outside singing too loudly/not loud enough etc."

ElizaBennett

Great posts above and I feel your pain OP. I've been through very similar and have come out the other side, I'm pleased to say. Following a divorce and being in a massive bed alone for the first time in many years, I grew to absolutely adore sleeping on my own and I had huge huge problems when my partner moved in. The two biggest were severe constipation for about a year - totally connected with the stress of sharing my hard won space with someone again and I just couldn't 'go' if he was anywhere in the house at all lol. Second issue was sleep problems. Just like you I hated the idea that someone else was right there and might move or get up or do anything in the night to disturb me. Because I knew that was possible I was basically half awake all night waiting to be disturbed. I woke fully every time he turned over. I also hated how he lay half on top of me, squishing me so I could hardly breathe. I used to lie there thinking ' you're kidding me - how am I ever going to sleep like this??'
I would get him to go to his parents at weekends as much as possible and loved when he had to work nights. Now, two years later, I still get a kick out of the odd night alone but I often don't sleep well at all when I'm by myself. I will admit that my sleep can be deeper and less disturbed when I'm occasionally on my own but I've become very used to him being there and it's not an issue anymore. I have become a person who wakes for the loo maybe twice and has short periods of wakefulness during the night, whereas I used to sleep through, but that could be related to other factors anyway like getting older.
I just wanted to tell you that you WILL definitely get used to sleeping with her and learn that it's your new normal, but probably only when you're doing it every night. I think while it's a 2 day a week arrangement it's always going to be weird and unusual for you and you won't get into a good sleeping pattern. That's what I believe. You have to teach yourself that this is how nighttimes are for you now so this is your life and it'll all fall into place over time. But it will take time. I was many many months getting used to shared sleep, maybe even more than a year. On some level I was fighting it too. So it's also about deciding that this is what you really want, as alluded to by LolaJJ. ie life is full of compromise and this may not be your ideal but if you want to be with her then you have to make it work. I wanted my relationship to work he he's an amazing bf so I just put up with being a bit miserable about sleep for a while and hoped it would improve ,which it did. As did the toilet problems:)

Iwouldinmesack

Sleep in a separate bed if you have that option, its no big deal. You get a better nights sleep and are happier overall in my opinion. If you feel like sharing a bed at any stage then do.

woodchuck

You seem to have a number of issues:

Space
A bigger bed would help a lot, but this may not be possible if she's renting.

Noise
Get earplugs

Temperature
It's pretty damn hot these days anyway, but keeping the window open before you go to bed should help. You might even be able to sleep with it open if the earplugs help with the noise. You could also get a lighter blanket for the summer months.

Psychological
There's not much you can do about that other than sleeping in a separate room. I assume that's not an option or at least not a desirable one on her part? I think you will get used to it in time though.

Mollyb60

My husband says that his sleep patterns have changed as a result of our relationship. At the start of our relationship he struggled to get a good night's sleep with me because he was used to his space. He says the problem is that I'm a light sleeper so I would half wake every time he moved or turned over. That made him anxious about waking me so he sleeps like a corpse, on his back, hands on his chest, doesn't move an inch during the night. He eventually got used to it and afaik does sleep well now but it just takes some time to get used to sleeping with another person in the bed. It never affected me as I had to share a bed with my sister for most of my childhood.

wiggle16

If you're too hot, try getting a duvet with a lower Tog rating. You'd be surprised at the difference it makes, seriously.

I would also try to compromise about the dog, do it sooner rather than later. Its reasonable not to want a dog in the bedroom at night. But i'd broach that soon, the dog is used to sleeping there and if it is put in the kitchen it will likely whine all night for a week or so.

Generally I'm okay to sleep with other people in the bed, there were three of us in one bed for most of my childhood. Once I had my own bed I did find it hard to sleep with others for a while, but its just a matter of getting used to it. I have always had chronic insomnia anyway though so maybe I'm not well placed to advise you in that regard.

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here,

Thanks alot for the replies! They mean alot. Its good to see that not only is this a normal issue but it can be overcome too.

LolaJJ, it sounds like you've met someone really special! Its no harm in looking at what you're saying but at the same time I think all relationships bring challenges here and there. I can relate to what you're saying in other parts of the relationship, just not sleep! I think there is also context to every story. You may simply be bit much happier now too.

Thanks to the rest of you for sharing your experiences, especially ElizaBennett and sleepingadvice. Its great to see that this can change.

To be fair, my list of problems in my OP could easily be also put down to just one thing , which is I have a negative attitude towards it and I am finding problems if that makes sense.

Like you say sleepingadvice, your wife blames it on other things. Interestingly as well I actually get more sleep than I think I do. She has told me she got up or woke or whatever to see me asleep!

Even the dog is for the most part totally silent. Just the odd shuffling or moving around. Nothing that would wake someone who was totally comfortable and in a deep sleep.

I was thinking of going to bed really late to start with (and getting up at the same time). This would have the effect of me being shattered by the time I go to bed. It would "train" me so to speak. This worked when I had my own personal sleep issues.

Also, it used to be much worse but I was eating very late at night with her. When I stopped that things did improve a little, but having read these posts I am confident that in time it will improve even more.

I guess like you say, its just a matter of making this the new norm for me. We are planning on perhaps buying a place in the future so a larger bed will definitely have to be a uncompromising demand of mine if the issue isnt going away.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Separate beds you can push together!
Nowhere is it written you have to sleep in the same bed.

LegacyUser

Use two single duvets- it's what the Scandi's do and makes a massive difference. Everyone should do it!

tara73

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

Separate beds you can push together!
Nowhere is it written you have to sleep in the same bed.

OP, I feel for you because I'm a very light sleeper and would probably have the same problems as you.

but above is a very good idea! with that you can always try or 'train' :)so to say, to sleep directly next to her but you always have the opportunity to push your bed away if it's not working.

often the sheer and easy possibility to have your own space gives you peace of mind and you might sleep like a bay next to her.

but also agree with the dog, it needs to learn to sleep outside your bedroom.

PawneeRanger

Sandics wrote: »

Use two single duvets- it's what the Scandi's do and makes a massive difference. Everyone should do it!

We did this and it is the best thing we ever did.

I run way hotter than my boyfriend so being able to have a separate duvet really helped.

It'll take getting used to, OP. Please don't buy in to any romanticised nonsense that if it was meant to be you'd be sleeping like a log immediately.

suicide_circus

might not be for you but not every couple share a bed (for sleeping). it was quite normal for couples back in the day to only share a bed for "relations". wouldn't be my cup of tea but these things are not one size fits all.

dudara

Also, consider moving apartment or house so that you have a peaceful bedroom. I love a cool / cold bedroom and sleep with the window wide open as much as possible. I’m lucky that I can do that because I live in a quiet estate.

Best of luck

vectorvictor

suicide_circus wrote: »

might not be for you but not every couple share a bed (for sleeping). it was quite normal for couples back in the day to only share a bed for "relations". wouldn't be my cup of tea but these things are not one size fits all.

That would feel very odd to me, almost like room mates. I think the relationship would suffer , not waking up together , no little chats etc.. especially for a relatively new relationship.

In saying that my best nights sleeps are always on my own. All the pillows and take up the whole bed without getting little digs and kicks randomly.

seannash

sleepingadvice wrote: »

My wife was a very bad & particular sleeper. She had a whole routine (lavender, ipod with wave music, eye mask, ear plugs etc.) about going to bed & had suffered badly with insomnia during her 20s. Her mother said even as a child she was a bad sleeper.

When we 1st started going out she would get quite anxious at night about sharing a bed & just seemed to accept me staying over mean't a bad nights sleep.

Fast forward living together 7 years & now she finds she can't sleep when I am not there. If everything else in the relationship is fine, I think the sleep issues will work themselves out. However you need to take a positive attitude, if you sleep for only 1 hour, think "Great I got an hours sleep" as opposed to I missed 7hrs.

However her sleep issues are still there, if anything is playing on her mind she won't sleep properly & blame it on everything else under the sun "Rooms too warm/cold/humid, birds outside singing too loudly/not loud enough etc."

This guy is talking sense!
Seriously now, I hate to say it but I will. You're being very persnickety.
Yes sleeping with a new girlfriend is tough, everyone goes through it. The best thing is to speak up, find a compromise and deal with it.
How mollycoddled do you have to be to not be able to sleep in less than perfect conditions?
The suggestion of sleeping in a separate bed is ludicrous and thankfully you've not take that advice on board (I hope)

You will learn to sleep in a double bed with someone else in there.
This does not require intervention from strangers on a forums advice. You're working yourself into a tizzy over absolutely nothing.

(Cue the people who tell me I should be sensitive to light sleepers and will validate this ,dare I say it, nonsense)

kylith

seannash wrote: »

This guy is talking sense!
Seriously now, I hate to say it but I will. You're being very persnickety.
Yes sleeping with a new girlfriend is tough, everyone goes through it. The best thing is to speak up, find a compromise and deal with it.
How mollycoddled do you have to be to not be able to sleep in less than perfect conditions?
The suggestion of sleeping in a separate bed is ludicrous and thankfully you've not take that advice on board (I hope)

You will learn to sleep in a double bed with someone else in there.
This does not require intervention from strangers on a forums advice. You're working yourself into a tizzy over absolutely nothing.

(Cue the people who tell me I should be sensitive to light sleepers and will validate this ,dare I say it, nonsense)

I agree, to an extent. Some people do need to sleep in separate beds, but everyone has difficulty sleeping in unusual circumstances for the first while. My OH's breathing drove me nuts for the first while after we moved in together, but now I can't sleep without it.

OP, you will get used to it, that's all I can say. You'll have a few sleepless nights but before you know it you'll realise that if she goes away you have trouble sleeping.

Circumstances change and it takes time to adjust. For all you know she's on another board complaining that you want the room freezing, snore, and want to cuddle all the time.

GreeBo

Women are lava in bed, I dont know anyone who sleeps up close and cuddling with their partner.

Single or joined different TOG duvets are a must have.