In total despair

dustyredrose

I am 22 years old. The last time i ate solid food was when i was 18 in late 2014. F*ck you crohns, UC and SLE (the cause may turn out to be a degenerative neurological disease like theyre suspecting after all this time? meanwhile the blame being put completely elsewhere i.e. crohns)

Tube feeding and a liquid diet is absolute torture. The hunger and starvation is indescribable. While my health has been on the rapid decline the last 4 years (along with the physical taking a toll on the mental) Ive dealt with a 3 year long dysfunctional abusive relationship with a man with addictions who took complete advantage of my weakened mental and physical state in every single way. His insane family disturbed me to the core also. I have, through ill health, been unable to go back to work or go back to nursing school, which was also around the time i had a miscarriage which was highly traumatic and required two surgeries. I was homeless and penniless with literally nowhere to turn on the streets with this ex in an extremely dangerous situation. I have had life altering major surgery in the last year which has seen me lose most of my bodyweight (there wasnt much to lose) and I am currently 46kg at 175cm. I have ended up back living with my mentally ill mother in the middle of the countryside since the breakup, and my father whom my mother had not seen or spoken to in 9/10 years after a bitter seperation is back living here which was completely unseen, as he is seriously ill also and had nowhere to go or turn. Neither of my parents have any contact with their families anymore which is a whole other story that spans lifetimes. They dont have any friends either. It has been horrendous to watch him deal with this physical hell hes living, he is a wonderful generous hard working man hes literally losing his mind. My mother had a mental breakdown when i was 12, which included her running away with me (im an only child) with no money except enough for the tickets (which she borrowed from her cousin who, bless her, had no idea what was going on) so she took me me out of the country aged 12 out of school for a over a year (there was no need for formal education according to her), with nowhere to stay, on the street for a week without food or water. I have vivid memories of her falling asleep on the pavement and falling asleep where she was standing, all the while saying my father was satan and trying to kill us, that our lives were all about to change and that i would become some famous star (she even took me to the disney office and a modelling office in that city basically saying look heres my daughter hire her because she deserves to become a teen sensation!) the years that followed were a total nightmare. Not to mention that in the present I can't even be seen anywhere (on the rare ocassion we leave the house for an appointment usually) because my ex caused a lot of trouble with a bad crowd for extended periods of time and they still associate me with all of that.

ANYWAY, im completely off topic now all of this isnt even 0.1% of it all. Basically every single damn year is packed full of trauma, hurt, the bizarre (which comes with the territory of your immediates and yourself being mad i suppose), with new physical health problems appearing all the time, any of my boyfriends and 'friends' that has ever been in my life were assholes, probably due to the fact i was an angry kid falling in with the wrong crowd and became so mentally distressed depressed and anxious that nobody normal i had previously known wanted anything to do with me. Every sh*tty little complex detail of these past few years would astound people (lol nobody cares but if i had family who i actually knew) that things could possibly get so desperate.

Physical illness, mental illness, poverty, and isolation are recipies for total disaster. I envy and wish I was anyone with a normal functional existence with caring loving family members, friends and success.

No idea why ive even written this sh*t, its almost 5am and im really sad and have no-one to tell or talk to I suppose.

TheBoyConor

That is a very deeply disturbing upbringing you had and your situation at the moment sounds very difficult.

I would suggest you get some counseling asap. I think these issues are beyond what we here in pi can help you deal with.

NOVA MCMXCIV

I wish I could help you further beyond telling you to: KEEP GOING!

But I can't – there are people out there that can though... And maybe even someone here. If anybody has any advice for this girl – then please speak up!!

Good luck – and best wishes to you!

Hannibal_Smith

Definitely talk to your GP, or who ever is dealing with your health care. You need some one to support you too and that's what they're there for. I'm assuming if you're 22 now, the bad crowd your boyfriend got you in to was during your teens? I don't know what you did, but most of us (I reckon?) lived in an area where there was a group of teenagers who caused trouble. I know in our area they did really awful stuff, but they're adults now and I certainly wouldn't hold it against them. I think a lot of us know your past is your past and everyone makes mistakes and the people still judging you for it are just sad. You're 22, you can move on, with the right help.

Jenneke87

You're situations sounds absolutely awful. You say that you live together with your parents but that your father is suffering as well? Even if it's just for the time being, could the two of you not rent something together? I don't know if that's feasible as I don't know what his issues are but it's sounds like being with your mother isn't a good idea for the both of you. 
I gather from your post that you haven't had any solid food for 4 years. That must be extremely tough, but I wonder how sustainable that is? Can you truly eat nothing at all, not even soft fruits like raspberry's, banana's etc? Your body must be depleted of pretty much everything and you're dangerously underweight. Could a GP or dietician be of any aid here? Did they told you for how long you are going to remain on tube feeding? 
I'm really sorry to hear of your miscarriage, that must have been a hard blow. If it required surgery afterwards it must have been pretty bad. Have you sought or had any help for this at all?
I hope things will start to look up for you. Hold on and please go to your GP.