Is it normal to have no working relationship with your boss?

LegacyUser

So im in my job 12 and half years and my boss and I never saw eye to eye almost from day 1, I thought it was a personality clash as we are very very different people, hes more brash and forward im an introvert but that happens all the time so I put it down to working life. He gave me a lot of chances that first year as I was getting used to work processes, more chances than others would have but we never ever got over the mutual dislike. Im not the only one who doesn't like him but in a team of 5, any tensions are obvious and we literally have absolutely nothing to talk about outside of the job. I tried passing myself once or twice but gave up as it was too late and now I just talk work with him.

I thought this was normal in any job but my mate told me last week it sounds like a toxic interaction to have and ill never get promoted. I don't know is it weird or does it happen in every job where a boss/worker don't like each other at all but keep interaction to a minimum? Bear in mind I love the job and most of the people I work with but if theres a night out and I know hes there I wont go, and probably vice versa. Transferring isn't possible and now im a bit paranoid that he might stop any future promotions I go for (I haven't applied to go further as I love my current position). Thoughts?

leggo

On one hand, if it’s the kind of dislike where you just don’t talk to each other and get on with things, that’s probably a decent day-to-day relationship to have with your boss! I often go for ‘friendly but not friends’ with bosses of mine, keep them sweet and on good terms so they think I’m grand and I get breathing space to do my job, but not close enough that we could fall out over personal things.

You say he gave you a lot of chances the first year...so am I to assume that the source of the mutual dislike was you then? It’s not an ideal way to approach things to deliberately set up a contentious relationship with a boss (or any colleagues) because you don’t personally like them. In general with work, you never know when you may need someone down the line, so best to always try and find some kind of workable solution. I’ve got someone in my job who I’ve just never personally gelled with over years, we just never found any common ground to talk about or bond over, but we’d also work quite well together when needed. No tension or active dislike, we just get on with it and it’s grand. You want that at least if you can’t connect.

Does it bother you that you can’t go out when they’re there? Does it bother other teammates having to work around this tension? Do you want to go for promotion sometime or would you be happy working in this position for the foreseeable if need be? If the answer to any of the questions above is yes, then it’s got to be on you to make some kind of effort ASAP. He’s the one with power over you so holds the cards Whether it’s just subtle like laughing at funny jokes he makes so he sees the white flag is being raised or having a talk and apologising for being stubborn, whatever you think would work. You’re the only one in this situation losing out, rightly or wrongly, so I’d start making some moves. Don’t wait until you want something to start schmoozing, licking arse for personal benefit can be quite obvious and make someone dislike you more. But yeah, sorry OP, sounds like it’s gotta be you that mends this fence.

Paddy Cow

TBH I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. It sounds like ye don't like each other and have done the mature thing and are keeping it professional. Apart from avoiding each other socially, there doesn't seem to be any bullying and you are happy there. I don't see the problem?

Like you say, you've clashed from day one but he gave you more chances than most. He might not like you personally but you must be doing something right professionally to have kept the job for 12 years. Not everyone gets on with their boss and that's ok. You don't have to be BFFs. It would only be a problem if he was holding you back which he doesn't seem to be.

bertsmom

I don't understand what the problem is here. You get on grand at work don't seem to mind it at all. You have a working relationship with the boss. He cut you some slack in the beginning when you needed it. Your friend has told you your relationship with the boss is "toxic" and now you've made a mountain out of a molehill in your own head and suddenly there is a problem.... I don't get what you want from your boss. He is in a position of authority and I'd imagine after twelve years if he wanted you gone you would have a fair inkling by now.
It's work you are not there to make friends and widen your social circle you do your job get paid fairly and don't be listening to other people creating drama.

NightStone

You don't need to have friends at work to do the work .
I've always struggled to make "work friends" at the various positions I've had including the boss(es) .
But I've come to realise that my and everyone's else's position exists for the benefit of the company . I'm much happier at work knowing I'm a cog in the wheel and if I can help the wheel spin faster or more efficient then im all for it.n

Various positions I've held co-workers and bosses didn't like me but they eventually respected we are all here to do the job get paid and go home . It did use to effect me in my younger career but not anymore .

Berserker

workingjoe2018 wrote: »

I thought this was normal in any job but my mate told me last week it sounds like a toxic interaction to have and ill never get promoted. ...... Transferring isn't possible and now im a bit paranoid that he might stop any future promotions I go for (I haven't applied to go further as I love my current position). Thoughts?

The lack of a personal relationship may become an issue if you are going for a promotion but I wouldn't concerned otherwise. I spent years hitting dead ends in terms of promotion until I started attending nights out. After six months of nights out, I got an interview for and was promoted to a more senior role. Prior to that I'd successfully delivered project after project but I never reached the interview stage for any of the roles I applied for. I've no relationship with my own manager at the moment, personal or professional and I'm happy with the status quo.

You've been in this job and workplace for 12 years now, which is a long time, so there are an awful of good things going on in your working life. Doesn't sound remotely toxic to me.

kob29

I dont know about it being normal, pretty common Id say but I agree that you're now overthinking it. I have minimal relationship with the boss and since I started deliberately operating this way my working life has improved no end- the job gets done, I go home, she goes home, I pretend she doesnt exist and then we do it all again and the world keeps rotating.

Just be good at your job, keep passing yourself with him, if the opportunity comes up to have chitchat take it, if it doesnt and they keep putting money in your bank account then so be it. Go for promotions if thats what you want to pursue.

orthsquel

How did it come up with your friend as a topic of conversation? Did something happen that day at work or recently that you were talking about it with your friend? Did he elaborate on what he meant by a toxic environment? And before your friend said maybe not about getting promotions, did you have any thoughts that your manager wouldn't promote you because of your mutual - but respectful - dislike for eachother?

I can understand if your work environment would be toxic if the 5 of you on the team don't get on and you don't interact beyond work related stuff. Some people would be happier not to talk about their personal lives anyway, but is the tension between you and your manager causing problems for others on the team? Is the lack of interaction between yourself and your boss becoming a work related issue for you to do your job?

From what you've said it sounds like you and your boss have a working relationship, you put personal issues aside and get on with the job. Your boss doesn't have to like you personally for you to do a good job, or be worthy of a promotion. Unless there's more to it than what you explained in your opening post I don't see why, from what you wrote, that you would be likely to get passed over for a promotion or necessarily be working in a toxic environment. It might be different if you were living in fear of your boss and him singling you out on your work, not for the quality but of a persona dislike for you, and creating a hostile environment where you aren't allowed chat about the weekend with your team, regardless of whether the boss is there or not.