Moving forward with alcoholic mother

LegacyUser

I'm unsure as to whether the way I want to deal with my mother is appropriate.

She's been one of these functioning alcoholics forever. Even though she's had trouble with drink for years, she never gives up the drink, ever. Never tried it for more than 2 weeks. She usually gets bad with drink about once every 3 months at this stage, 10 years ago it was once every 6 months or so but it's getting more and more frequent. By getting bad I mean she'll be falling about the place thinking about nothing else but drink for maybe 2/3 days before being sent to hospital for detox or just detoxing at home. Her last bad episode really got to me though, because I was woken at 6/7am to the sound of her falling down the stairs. Hard. Rushed down to her, no response from her at all so I called for an ambulance before calling my father, by the time I was on the phone to him she was concious and trying to stand up but kept falling down again, once I told Dad this he told me to cancel the ambulance and just leave her be. So I did. She eventually was able to get up herself and was able to work her way back to her cans in the kitchen with no real loss on her. That wasn't even the first time she's had incidents on the stairs, although the other 3 times it was going up the stairs, not the full distance and never any apparent loss of consciousness. I was ****ing shaking after it though and had nightmares about it for days, Dad was sorry for it but also said to just get on with it and Mam said what would wrong sure she's the one who fell and hurt her foot.

Things went into the usual routine of her detoxing and being sorry etc, with things returning to normal within a week. I normally tow the line behind my father and even though I thought this would be some sort of turning point it just turned out to be another day. Her fall was on a Tuesday morning, she was drinking cans as normal by Saturday. Despite my personal feelings on the events I just towed the line and done what Dad told me, who's starting to care less and less because anything we've tried never worked. He just says its the way things and to just accept it. She'll go back to drinking 4 nights a week for a period, each night being 6-8 cans, no more vodka because that was the issue that it was vodka she was drinking years ago sure what harm are cans. It'll gradually build up to 7 nights a week and not long after that is when she'll reach a breaking point.

We're a couple weeks away from the next big issue of hers, and I just can't deal with the next time. I made warnings 3/4 years ago that the next time she goes mad like she does I'm done with her, which of course sent her into an immediate event which was of course my fault. I just want to be done with it. I'm living at home for the summer and I'll be back in college early September. I can't even have a drink myself anymore, I can't even look at drink without hearing her fall the stairs. I still go out with friends as normal but god I hate the questions of why I'm not drinking like it's such a major thing. I don't say the truth of course just that I'm not bothered. Same when I go back to college except it'll be around a different group of people. I don't want to say I'm done drinking, I don't like putting a final tag onto it but I don't have any appeal to drink at all even though it's the normal thing as a 23 y/o male.

The next time she has an event I want to just be done with her until I'm not harbouring any ill feeling towards her. I'd want to see her give up drink for good but that will never happen. It's bs that she's been in hospital 10 or so times for it and hasn't given a proper attempt to give up, when she's only drinking 4 nights a week sure it's harming nobody she says and in essence she's right but it only ever leads to more. Am I right to just want to be done with her even though she's a great mother when you look at everything other than her issues with drink as well as sleeping tablets and solpadene too. Real fun dealing with that combination at any given time so it is.

I'm just unsure if wanting nothing to do with her in the near future is a proper way of dealing with things for myself, because I don't think her way of dealings with things is right at all. She knows it's an addiction and when it gets bad she can't help herself really and I suppose thats right and its how I'd usually get guilt tripped into treating her like normal again. But is it right to expect she might give up drink totally because otherwise I can see no way I'd want anything to do with her.

SimpleDimples

Hi, I've no experience with this myself but a friend in a similar situation found Al Anon very helpful. It might be worth checking out.

It's a horrible situation and must be very difficult & upsetting.

Sorry can't help more but try the link below

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org

lulu1

Op this is a terrible situation for you to be in. I think you dad is very selfish to expect you to deal with your mother, after all he took the vows in sickness and in health and your mother has a sickness or an addiction. September is just around the corner op and when you go back to collage wash your hands of the lot and tell your father you have had enough and let him take responsibility for a change.

You could try coming home at weekends but if your mother is not making an effort in those days that you are home I would turn and walk out the door

Op my heart is breaking for you and what you are going through

LegacyUser

I wouldn't really call my fathers dealing with the situation selfish, he's dealt with all this before with an alcoholic brother who died in his late 40's, it's a pityfull situation for him too and while I don't agree with all his views and handling of mams situation I'd truly say he's just doing his best

I've tried staying away at weekends when in college when she'd be getting bad, I'd not answer her phone calls for a few days but it would usually end with either a visit from dad since college is only an hour away or a stern call from him and things would go back to "normal"

Any days where I would be home from college would be the weekend obviously so she would have to having a few cans, seeing her drinking at all just annoys me so much now, like tonight i just asked her why she was drinking of a wednesday and her response was she's not working tomorrow, her answer just deflated me because working the last 3 days didn't stop her drinking those nights

Xterminator

Hi Op

what your learning here is you cannot change your mother. you know with her alcohol history, she must completely abstain, you cannot make her want to do that.

It brings to mind the old religious saying

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference

i think that's relevant to you because you need to be a little wiser in this scenario. There is no point in preaching to your mother or father. Stop 'warning' etc you are not the parent here. take a step back from the relationship with your mother, and let go of the assumed responsibility. Cut back on your contact. when you go to college is it possible to live outside the home?

As for your feelings towards drinking, this experience has coloured them, and that's completely understandable. you may benefit from going along to some of the AlAnon meetings for family members to help you understand and cope with the feelings you have. Even if only for a couple it may be source of understanding and possible healing.
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

LegacyUser

You don't have to cut her out completely but you don't have to have her in your life or head space.

Look after yourself, not her. Limit when you see her and for how long, if any contact is having a negative affect on you limit it more. If family members pressure you to do anything you're not comfortable with, set boundaries!

.......

Hi OP, my heart really goes out to you.

My father was an alcoholic, for many years he was like your mother. It came and went in increasingly alarming peaks and troughs. Occasionally he would do something really awful or severely injure himself and there would be tears and recriminations and cutting down on the drink (never cutting OUT, no). Then he would just slowly slip back in again and off it would go again. He refused all help and it became bad to the point where he lost jobs and eventually didnt work anymore (early 50s) and would fall down on the street drunk and strangers would call an ambulance etc..

I could tell you all the different things I tried to resolve the situation over many years but suffice to say, nothing worked.

You didnt cause it, you cant cure it, you cant control it. I stressed myself into physical and mental ill health trying to stop it - but I may as well have stood on a beach for 20 years and tried to hold back the sea. Thats how effective someone is at stopping someone else from drinking.

What saved me was going to Alanon. It took me a LONG time to go there. I sort of felt that if I went, I was giving up. I was so wrong. Going was actually the only useful thing I did.

It helped me to sort out my feelings and understand that I was actually doing all the wrong things and making the situation even more stressful than it was. I learned to cope. Then I learned to detach. And to be ok with that decision.

My father never recovered. He killed himself and my mother in a drunken accident. She had stuck by him throughout. I was estranged from both of them by the time he died and I was just relieved that both of them were finally at peace. I still went to Alanon for a long time after they died.

I think I am still affected by it now. You dont go through it and come out unscathed. The effects on a person are deep and far reaching. Thats why you need to go to Alanon - for you. To help you.

You dont need to feel guilty about anything. You are in a situation that you didnt create. There is no "right" way to deal with it or "right" way to feel. But there are ways to deal with it and think about it that help you - and thats what you need to learn.

Best of luck.

Emme

OP can you move out at all? If not now then later you will have to think strongly about cutting contact with your family if things don't change dramatically for the better. Both your mother and your father are incredibly selfish.

Ghekko

If you are living away from home from September stay away for a few weeks to give yourself time to breath. If you don't already work, look for a weekend job in your college town if possible - it will limit the free time you have to go home and will keep you financially independent. Your father has obviously realised he can't change her and has given up trying - he should probably attend al anon too, for his sanity. In any case, you have a full life ahead of you and you don't need this stress. Your mother chooses to drink excessively. There are ways to stop and she has the choice to at least try and seek proper professional help, but she obviously chooses not to. My own father stopped in his 60's and never touched a drop in over 30 years after that. You can't do anything to force that though so until the day she realises it for herself, if ever, then you need to step back and look out for yourself, without needing to feel a shred of guilt.

Batgurl

My advice to you OP is to stop hiding it from people. You’d be surprised how much support people will give you if you are just honest with them.

Best thing I ever did was admit what was happening to me. It also made the person embarrassed enough to reign it in if they thought people knew (at least for a while).

But ask yourself why you are covering for her? You owe her nothing and you are just facilitating her bad behaviour.

Sephiroth_dude

I feel your pain Op, I'm in the same situation but with a sibling, falling over at 3am while trying to go to the toilet, falling outside and hurting himself, having alcohol related seizures and having to call an ambulance for him putting up with emotional abuse and threatening violence, he went into rehab but only because my mother ended up in hospital because she was so worried about him she had a mini stroke last year due to stress and he reluctantly went into rehab but it didn't work and when he came home in April within a week he was back drinking, trying to hide it from us, sure he has a job but I can't see it lasting.

Look after yourself first and foremost, go see a counselor or go to al anon.

Paddy Cow

If you can move out, then do. You cannot change your mother and it's not fair on you. Fair play to you for going to college and not drinking yourself. Many children of alcoholics end up as problem drinkers or with mental health issues which feck up their early adult years. You are on the right track and are not responsible for your mother.

You need to look after yourself. Your mother is in no state mentally to put your welfare first and your father is unfairly leaving you to deal with her. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into staying to look after her.

Ask yourself this - if you had children, would you expect them to put up with that behaviour from you? Of course you wouldn't.

I've had experience with alcoholics and I've learned the hard way that you cannot help them. At some stage you have to pull away from the situation for your own sanity. Take care of yourself x

LegacyUser

I’d imagine my own son could have written this post a few years ago. I was exactly the same, few cans every night, thinking I deserved to relax and inevitably the big one where I’d go on a complete bender would come every few months. I’m not sure what clicked with me but something did eventually and I haven’t had a drink in almost two years, my biggest regret is the hurt I caused my children but we’ve re established a great relationship with openness and honesty. I hope your Mother will turn this corner too but that’s something she’ll have to decide herself. You do not need to take on her problems, you need to focus on you.

ChikiChiki

I have had a similar situation and ended up cutting my mother loose. We tried everything, interventions, GP visits. I even tearfully consulted as a last straw as a 29 year old male with the local parish priest. It consumed most of my 20s, the best years of my life and dragged me down so much that I was beginning to fail in fulfilling my own potential. It caused huge anxiety in me. One horrible memory for me was I remember the night before the biggest game of my life a county championship final where I was starting, her being drunk and completly destroying me mentally ahead of the game after all my prep. Thats one such example out of literally hundreds. In the middle of all this my father took his own life. I believe a huge contributing factor was how vicious my mother could be with words. He suffered with the recession and she would call him useless and no good etc. I remember the night we found him we had to send a search party out to find her around the local pubs where she was eventually located absolutly pissed drunk ad full of abuse.

At 30 I decided I had enough, cut loose and emigrated for a fresh start for myself. My own mental health was beginning to suffer and has suffered because of this. I still get very down over it and have had to engage counsellors. I'll see a family out, a son and mother and a tear might fall as I want that type of relationship but its impossible now. By all accounts she is still drinking heavily, getting barred from local pubs or causing hassle. Sometimes it gets back to me. I just do not care what happens now and like to remember her as the great mother we had growing up and not what she has become.


Good luck OP, its not easy at all but my advice would be to make tough decisions and don't get bogged down with all this in some of the best years of your life like I did. Im only reclaiming my 20s now. My priority now is my younger siblings and to ensure that they can live happy, fulfilling lives on the back of a lot of trauma.

You are not alone in this, just know that. Best of luck.

Sephiroth_dude

ChikiChiki wrote: »

It caused huge anxiety in me

like to remember her as the great mother we had growing up and not what she has become.

This +1 for the above points, in the case of my brother, very fond memories of growing up and having fun with him.

.......

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

This +1 for the above points, in the case of my brother, very fond memories of growing up and having fun with him.

All of my memories of my father are tainted by his alcoholism.

I think for the last 5 years of his life I didnt see him sober once. And he caused so many years of heartache, stress and pain that I cant remember anything good without it being associated with something bad.

I CAN and DO remember good memories, but even as I think of them the thoughts of what came later comes up.

McCloskey_A

Hi OP
Alcoholics cause such hardship and upset to families
My mother passed away in 2011 at 48 from health problems related to being an alcoholic and my stepfather in 2016, I spent years trying to get them to stop drinking,
From 2012 until 2016 my dad was in and out of hospitals with seizures, strokes and health problems due to drink but never admitted a problem - it would wear you out!

The best thing you can do for yourself is move out and try and put up a barrier to protect yourself emotionally - from experience dealing with this puts a huge emotional strain on you that you may not realise at the time

I loved my parents very much but they could not admit they had issues and the strain was very difficult - you cannot change your mother no matter how much you want to

Maintain contact but live your own life

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

My heart goes out to you. It's horrific trying to deal with addicts. Worse when it's your parent who you look to for guidance in times of crisis.
My grandmother was an alcoholic. My mother was driven demented trying to help her and get her to stop her drinking. She walked away in the end because she had her own family to prioritise and protect. But losing out on being with her family and grandchildren didn't stop her..
I'm also a nurse and unfortunately we are caring for alcoholics all the time On the wards. Familys hearts are broken in this country...Alcoholics make all the promises in the world and may stay off it for a week or two after a fright they had but then the lies, manipulation and secrecy starts again and before you know it, they're off on another binge and out of control.
It pains me to say it, but you need to walk away and cut ties. She's your mother, you love her. You've helped her numerous times and spoken to her, warned your parents numerous times. They are not listening.
Walking away doesn't mean you do not love her or your father. But you need to think of yourself here.

Addicts have to hit rock bottom. Losing you is a consequence and she needs to feel the consequences. Your father cancelling ambulances and coming down to your college to get you back to the house etc are just masking the situation.
Also, when she uses you as an excuse to go off on a binge because you spoke to her sternly is a manipulation so that she can act out and blame you for "driving her to the drink". This creates a culture of blame between you and your father, dividing your united front when challenging her drinking. She is accountable for her actions as she is an adult.


If I was your parent, I would tell you to go and get your own life.

Your 23. Think of yourself now. As the poster above said - think of your child in the future, would you subject them to what your witnessing and expect them to clean up your mess and suffer miserably. Absolutely not.

Reach out to your relatives - uncles/aunts/cousins. And friends. Make them aware of how bad things are. If your mother has been in and out of hospital, they probably know but I would drive home to them how badly it's effecting you and look for support such as staying with them or just talking.
I'm sure if you made your trusted friends aware of your situation they will accommodate you until you can find the means to get on your feet.
Consider approaching your college welfare officer too? They may be able to help you in some way.
But you need to get out of this situation..

I wish I could reach out and hug you OP.

Good luck