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Should I break off contact?

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  • 14-08-2018 11:44am
    #1
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭


    Hi
    Have been chatting this girl I met on Tinder for a month. Initially, I found her attractive but over the weeks I have really started to like her. Her personality is fantastic. We have video chatted quite a lot as well as constantly Snapchatting. I am 24 and she is 25, she is a year out of a 7 year relationship and has told me she has been more causal with guys over the last year and that she is seeing a guy casually when we matched on tinder.

    I'm not a casual kind of guy so I told her that I was developing strong feelings for her. She has told me she can't give me the commitment I want ATM. And I totally understand her situation.
    I told her that I think I have to cool down the contact as I think it will only end up in me liking her more and make it more of a mess.
    I said, she may be hearing less of me and she asked could she still message me etc. She says she feels crap about the situation cos she really enjoyed talking to me and I told her I felt the exact same.

    My question is, what would people advise I do here?

    Thanks


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    #2
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    Why would you break it off.

    Just because she wants to be casual doesnt mean you cannot respect that and give her space.

    Just dont be in a casual relationship with her. Be her friend. You have your red line that if you are going to date her you want it to be exclusive so stick to that. Do not allow her to use you by being with you but seeing other guys on the side. If she wants to see other guys then she doesnt get to date you at all.

    Have you not met up yet? You are 24 not 34.

    I think you need to just be patient and not selfish here.

    Stay in her life. Dont put pressure on her and you will be there when she is ready.


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    #3
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I would break off contact. It's clear that you have strong feelings for her, but she's not looking for anything serious. This can only end badly for you...


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    #4
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    She likes the attention you give her and enjoys stringing you along. That's it. She wants to play with your emotions like a cat plays with a mouse to give herself an ego boost and continue chasing and hooking up with men she actually fancies. If the "right" guy (in her mind) came along all that stuff about "not being ready for a relationship" would go out the window - because that's what it is - nonsense. That's the hard truth my friend. Guys and girls can't be friends when one has feelings for the other.

    Tinder is not a platform to make "friends". Don't waste any more time on this one, find a girl who actually likes you.

    Also this thing of chatting online for a month ... what a crazy way to get to know someone. Have you actually met her in person?


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    #5
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I'm starting to think internet dating and tinder are going to ruin love..


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    #6
    gwalk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,107 ✭✭✭gwalk


    Walk away, it will only end in tears, your tears not hers.


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    #7
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Yes, it's time to cut contact because you're only going to get hurt. Both of you are on different pages when it comes to what you're looking for and that never ends well. You put your cards on the table and it would have been a great opportunity for her to say she wanted something more too. She didn't bite so that's the end of that. It's not necessarily just that she only wants something casual. She doesn't like you enough to change her tune. You can bet your bottom dollar that if she met a guy she really liked, all talk of not committing would go out the window. I've seen so many threads from people who wasted months and years of their lives on someone who only wanted something casual. Hoping that you can change their mind if you hang around for long enough is a fool's errand I'm afraid.


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    #8
    buried
    Registered Users Posts: 9,690 ✭✭✭buried


    Cut it off. Was in the exact same situation a few months ago as yourself. Not on tinder or anything like that, I went out on a good few dates with a woman, things were going great I thought, then started to get the mixed signals, then got the "lets stay friends" talk. They just were not into me, but still wanted the great attention they were receiving. No point going on with that sort of malarkey, especially if you think you have more feelings for her that she isn't going to reciprocate for you. You will drive yourself cracked. You will also choose to ignore and possibly miss out on other opportunities to develop something proper and better for yourself with someone else - as you will be too wrapped up hoping for something that just isn't going to happen with this woman to even see or want it with anyone else. Get out now, total waste of time and energy for you. Plenty more people out there to meet, the world is packed.

    "You have disgraced yourselves again" - W. B. Yeats



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    #9
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    OP here. Thanks everyone for the replies. Broke off contact there. I agree with what some have said that had she really liked me, she would have reciprocated my feelings.
    I've been very unlucky in love and I hadn't felt like that about a girl in a long time so it's very **** the way this has played out. Alas, all I can do is hope the future brings more love.


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    #10
    28112827
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭28112827


    Red Lightning wrote: »
    OP here. Thanks everyone for the replies. Broke off contact there. I agree with what some have said that had she really liked me, she would have reciprocated my feelings.
    I've been very unlucky in love and I hadn't felt like that about a girl in a long time so it's very **** the way this has played out. Alas, all I can do is hope the future brings more love.

    Don’t feel too bad, you don’t deserve to. It’ll happen for you and it will be worth it, keep the head up.


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    #11
    buried
    Registered Users Posts: 9,690 ✭✭✭buried


    Yeah keep the head up RL, feels a bit rough now, I know, but a few weeks time you'll be glad you did that and have your eyes open again for the better options for a decent shot at a proper potential relationship. Keep at it, will happen! Best of luck for the future man

    "You have disgraced yourselves again" - W. B. Yeats



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    #12
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    I find the hardest thing is picturing her with another guy. I think it's ridiculous I feel like this cos I've only known her a month.
    Anyway, onwards and upwards. Thanks again everyone.


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    #13
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users Posts: 8,419 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    Did you ever actually meet the girl?


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    #14
    Eircom_Sucks
    Registered Users Posts: 3,193 ✭✭✭Eircom_Sucks


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    I'm starting to think internet dating and tinder are going to ruin love..

    Only starting to think that now ???

    Been like this for years

    People unrealistic in what they want and people have way too many options online


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    #15
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Eircom_Sucks wrote: »
    Only starting to think that now ???

    Been like this for years

    People unrealistic in what they want and people have way too many options online

    Yeah, I suppose I always kind of avoided it, so maybe I'm realising it late..but yeah, I kind of mean that on a kind of a more profound level, that kind of makes me wonder if relationships will be a thing of the past in 30 years..

    Saw someone suggest recently too that smartphones and screens etc are messing with dopamine in the brain and could be affecting the oxytocin which in turn affect the ability to feel love..a depressing thought..


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