Struggling to talk to people

LegacyUser

I have been without close friends for a period of a year or two.
People moved to other countries and places far away from where I am.

Since then I have isolated myself a lot but started to at least go out during the daytime and occasionally a night club. All of this is on my own.

At one point I was constantly focused on my lack of a love life and how impossible it seemed to be for me to connect or indeed have any kind of relationship be it friendship or otherwise with a woman. I didn't ever start a conversation when there might have been a chance to at least talk.

Eventually I started to understand that it wasn't a gender specific issue based on fear of rejection but that actually I was not able to start a conversation with anyone, man or woman.
I also began to feel highly ashamed of myself for having this image of always being alone.

It was quite astonishing to see how people started to react to me based on that fact.
Some I know from many years ago but just have been out of contact with would walk past me in a bar or venue and go out of their way to ignore me. I get it in one way as people don't seem to embrace a person who is alone for fear that person might latch on to them but to see that over and over again was a blow each time.

If people start a conversation with me I can keep it going for ever if they are interested.
I can talk but I just can't initiate. Sometimes I might even get some kind of hint from someone like a guy says something sitting next to me at a coffeeshop that I could go off to speak about or a girl might stare me in the eyes while sat at another table but I freeze in both instances. My brain is emtpy at that moment and I don't do anything. Same in a nightclub which seems to be a primary way of meeting people here. If they talk I will talk but even if i'm standing beside them I won't turn and say hi. I try to remind myself in that moment to do something but inevitably a much more confident person will be there if you hesitate for even a second.

I'm kept awake at night filled with regret at years of missed oppurtunites to chat, build a friendship or relationship and it isn't getting any better.
Are there any people with advice on this/experienced that feeling?.

zoobizoo

If you can say "hi" to someone, you can start a conversation.

Do you have any brothers or sisters who you talk to?

What age are you?


Going to a nightclub on your own is a very brave thing to do. I know many confident people who would never have the nerve to do that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply.
I don't have brothers and sisters that live near me.
When I do talk to them about this, they don't respond or saying anything.
I'm in early 30's and feel like I should be better at this by now.

zoobizoo

Have you spoken with a professional at all?

elbyrneo

talceles wrote: »

If people start a conversation with me I can keep it going for ever if they are interested.
I can talk but I just can't initiate.

Can you listen too?

Birdsong

Have you looked at joining Toastmasters, it would be a good place to practice speaking with others in a safe environment. It will be out side your comfort zone to start but stick with it.

LLMMLL

I wonder if these people who ignore you or walk by without saying hello are doing so not because they perceive you as someone who’s going to drag them down but because you have been unintentionally rude to them in the past.

Shy, introverted, uncommunicative people are often labelled rude.

You’re going to have to make the effort to initiate conversations yourself. Easier said than done I know, but people are not going to start conversations with you if they perceive your issues as ignoring them or being standoffish.

I would also say that starting random conversations with strangers is not the way to go for you. In a nightclub, fine, but the girl who made eye contact with you in the coffee shop was probably not looking to be approached. The majority of people (IMO) don’t socialise by talking to strangers out of the blue. Some people can pull it off but if you’re not a great socialiser then it probably won’t work for you. I wouldn’t be worried about these as “missed opportunities”. I don’t think they were opportunities at all.

orthsquel

The first thing really is stop guilting yourself with regret. Regret is one of the worst things you can fill your life with, especially regret of opportunities that are in the past, because you can do nothing about them. Instead, try and look at it differently. Take away regret and look what you have - instances where for whatever reason, you were not comfortable with communicating, even in body language. Someone said something to you while standing beside you and you didn't turn around, if I was the other person I'd take it that you did not want to engage. Is there a reason why you aren't communicating positively, or otherwise with others? Have you a lot bottled up? are you a good listener? One of the best interactions I've had, was sitting with a complete stranger, in complete silence, each comfortable in our own individual company, and with eachother. I've seen people go from people who dont want to talk, to people that are so animated and full of life, especially when talking about something they are passionate about, over time. It takes patience and time, and that is something you need to give yourself.

Put aside and away the regrets, start over and give yourself a fresh chance. If you want your life to change direction, then take charge. Listening to others is a great guide to noticing how people express themselves both in words and in body language.

zoobizoo

Couple of things:

If you say it to your brother or sister, and they say nothing or don't respond, what exactly are you saying to them?

Are they older or younger than you and do they have the ability to help you?


I used to be a bit like that about missed opportunities...... I'd be close to a good looking girl and catch her eye and then say nothing and kick myself for ages because I didn't say anything. Looking at it through realistic lenses, what had I expected to happen?

....... that she'd have seen through my shyness and that we'd have a laugh, then we'd have spent the afternoon chatting and then swap numbers and go on dates and start seeing each other and have a relationship... basically I was expecting a Hollywood ending.

Night clubs are not the primary way of meeting people - they might be in one's 20s.

What interests do you have? What are your hobbies?