Is sexting cheating?

LegacyUser

Ive just found my partner of 20 years has been sexting women online. Its really doing my head in. I feel so sick and wonder if I ever really knew him. We have three kids together and been together since I was 16. It's not the first time. I caught him about 3 yrs ago and he promised he would never do it again and I believed him. We have had relationship councelling last year due to us just not communicating and other mild stuff and I really thought we were on a good path. And now this! Am I selfish to break up our family over this?

mistress_gi

It really depends on how you feel about it.
Myself I couldn't deal with it (one of the reasons I am now divorced).
In my perspective if it wasn't a big deal he would have told you about it and not hide it for years.
When it happened to me I tried to make it work but couldn't trust them ever again

Johnnyhpipe

I would consider it cheating..

Incidentally, do you have any sort of sex life together?

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

mapaca

I would consider it cheating, yes.

And YOU wouldn't be breaking up the family if you leave him over this. It would be HIM and his actions that would be responsible.

nikkibikki

mapaca wrote:

I would consider it cheating, yes.

Me too.

mapaca wrote:

And YOU wouldn't be breaking up the family if you leave him over this. It would be HIM and his actions that would be responsible.

OP, you need to keep telling yourself this. And him also when he blames you.

You've given him one chance already. It might be possible to come back from one episode of cheating, but 2 is a whole other realm.

This is not on you. This is not your fault. He has gone outside the relationship instead of putting the effort in to fixing it or ending it with you. He chose to be selfish and have his bread buttered on both sides.

Paddy Cow

wearygal wrote: »

Ive just found my partner of 20 years has been sexting women online. Its really doing my head in. I feel so sick and wonder if I ever really knew him. We have three kids together and been together since I was 16. It's not the first time. I caught him about 3 yrs ago and he promised he would never do it again and I believed him. We have had relationship councelling last year due to us just not communicating and other mild stuff and I really thought we were on a good path. And now this! Am I selfish to break up our family over this?

No you are not selfish. He got caught once and you gave him a second chance. He has done it again so it's totally on him. HE is the one behaving selfishly. You have done nothing wrong. He has betrayed you and your kids not once but twice.

The only one breaking up the family here is him. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best x

NearlyForty

Yes I would consider it cheating also..
I know exactly how you feel. It’s a horrible thing to find out your other half has betrayed you by seeking fun outside the relationship/marriage..
I caught my guy sexting another girl, it had been going on for about 7 months, all while I was expecting our twin girls
Only reason why I gave him another chance, was for the girls
And low & behold, he’s at it again. He’ll never learn. Some guys just don’t change
I’m too busy with the babies to even challenge it..
Oh, they’ll always apologise dearly for their actions & promise to never do it again, that they don’t don’t know why they done it in the first place, blah blah.. I’m not sure 100% if he has cheated on me physically..

wiggle16

It is cheating, but it is an unnecessary question.

He breached your trust, and not for the first time.

I'd be rid of him. You gave him a chance and he went behind your back again. You cannot trust him.

Pawwed Rig

As usual step 1 advice in this forum is to break up a family.

OP there is plenty you can do before going nuclear on this. I would recommend going back to the counselling. Let the experts advise you both rather than questionable agendas on the Internet.

Dr Turk Turkelton

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

As usual step 1 advice in this forum is to break up a family.

OP there is plenty you can do before going nuclear on this. I would recommend going back to the counselling. Let the experts advise you both rather than questionable agendas on the Internet.

Totally correct about this forum Pawwed Rig.
Name of it should be changed to Misery loves company.

nikkibikki

Pawwed Rig wrote:

OP there is plenty you can do before going nuclear on this. I would recommend going back to the counselling. Let the experts advise you both rather than questionable agendas on the Internet.

Would you yourself be able to regain trust in a partner who has cheated twice and seems to have no problem with hiding things from you? OP was the one who brought up separating in the opening post. They don't seem to be asking for help with making the decision. They are asking for help with their feelings of guilt around separating.

wiggle16

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

As usual step 1 advice in this forum is to break up a family.

OP there is plenty you can do before going nuclear on this. I would recommend going back to the counselling. Let the experts advise you both rather than questionable agendas on the Internet.

PI does tend to be too quick to jump to "dump him/her", yes. But this is a situation where trust has been broken again and again. She has been through counselling already, and now he's up to it again. I wouldn't waste any more time or money trying to fix this situation - I could never trust him.

The concern with breaking up a family is misdirected. You cannot stay in a relationship for the sake of children, it doesn't work and leads to unhappiness all round.

nthclare

Its hard enough to build a trusting relationship with someone, then to find out they're having sexual intrigue with someone else.

Anybody who thinks this is not cheating or being disrespectful are basically of a trait I'd be on par to having a personality disorder and the morals of a sociopath.

If my longterm partner was at this craic I'd suggest she pack her bags and I'd shut the door on it.

No compromise....

dudara

Dr Turk Turkelton wrote: »

Totally correct about this forum Pawwed Rig.
Name of it should be changed to Misery loves company.

If you have an issue with the forum, please contact one of the kids or raise it in the Help Desk. You post does nothing to help the OP.

dudara

Ursus Horribilis

OP, did he ever explain why he was sexting in the first place? Has he been honest, do you think, about how he feels about the relationship now? Especially seeing as you've been together since you were so young. I wouldn't be so quick to throw him out on his ear because there is a family involved but it's something that may yet happen. Worst case scenario here is that he has come to regret being tied down so young and wants out.

GaGa21

I might not consider it a cheating issue but I definitely would call it a trust issue.

Rosepetals85

Personally for me, yes I would consider it cheating. It’s letting the other person know, that they are up for physical contact.

nthclare

I cant get my head around where people wouldn't consider this cheating, to me its alien to be having intriguing sexual innuendo while being in a long term relationship.

Am I old fashioned or a bit uncool ?

Is it acceptable nowadays to be in triangulating relationships?

Pawwed Rig

nikkibikki wrote: »

Would you yourself be able to regain trust in a partner who has cheated twice and seems to have no problem with hiding things from you? OP was the one who brought up separating in the opening post. They don't seem to be asking for help with making the decision. They are asking for help with their feelings of guilt around separating.

Is it cheating. I am not sure if that is the case. It is a breach of trust however. Could I regain the trust? I don't know.

However I wouldn't throw away a 20 year relationship without putting up a dam good fight.

And you can stay together for the sake of kids. I don't know where this notion has come from. Statistics show clearly that kids from 2 parent families turn out better than single parented kids.

tara73

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

And you can stay together for the sake of kids. I don't know where this notion has come from. Statistics show clearly that kids from 2 parent families turn out better than single parented kids.

where's this statistic coming from? link please.

as far as I know it can't even be statistically measured, what defines 'turn out better'?

OP, what can be said is, you can read it here a lot of times, that staying together for the sake of kids when the relationship is broken, is not a thing to advise. when there's mistrust, resentment in the air and even fighting kids pick up on it and are most probably more damaged from it than growing up with mainly one parent where that relationship trouble isn't affecting them.

Pawwed Rig

tara73 wrote: »

where's this statistic coming from? link please.

Boardsies love links :pac:


https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4991112/
https://www.tusla.ie/uploads/content/Family_Support_CFA_Parenting_Support_Strategy.pdf
http://prospect.org/article/consequences-single-motherhood
http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/07/single_motherhood_worse_for_children_.html?via=gdpr-consent
http://www.fathermag.com/news/2778-stats.shtml


I could post all day tbh

tara73 wrote: »

OP, what can be said is, you can read it here a lot of times, that staying together for the sake of kids when the relationship is broken, is not a thing to advise.

Link please

tara73 wrote: »

when there's mistrust, resentment in the air and even fighting kids pick up on it and are most probably more damaged from it than growing up with mainly one parent where that relationship trouble isn't affecting them.

So your opinion rather than evidence based??


If the parents can behave themselves there is no reason why a dual parent arrangement cannot exist which will benefit kids long term.

OP - As I said let a professional assess the situation rather than take advice from random people on the internet who know nothing about the dynamics of your situation.

Pawwed Rig

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

As usual step 1 advice in this forum is to break up a family.

OP there is plenty you can do before going nuclear on this. I would recommend going back to the counselling. Let the experts advise you both rather than questionable agendas on the Internet.

is your agenda unquestionable so?

OP youre clearly unhappy with this, you dont need an answer as to whether its cheating. whst do you see your own options being here?

Paddy Cow

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

As usual step 1 advice in this forum is to break up a family.

OP there is plenty you can do before going nuclear on this. I would recommend going back to the counselling. Let the experts advise you both rather than questionable agendas on the Internet.

That is a really unfair summation of this forum. Lots of posters have been given some fantastic support and advice on these threads. This isn't a place where a person posts they are unhappy in their relationship and everyone says "split up because you should be 100% happy 24/7". By the time someone has got to the point that they are looking for advice on the internet, they have usually exhausted every avenue in real life and they want some impartial opinions. By that stage it can be too late to save a relationship.

As someone who has attended counselling, I would be an advocate of it but counselling only works if you are really willing to work on yourself. What good can it do here? They've already been to counselling and it seems the partner learned nothing as he's still behaving the same. As another person pointed out, the op isn't asking whether or not she should break up with her partner but whether or not she should feel guilty.

In this case the answer is no. This is not a first offence. It happened before and the op put the work into her relationship. She communicated with her partner that sexting is not ok and her partner agreed that it would be a huge betrayal. He continued to do it and she's found out again. What should she do now? How many chances should she give him before she walks?

The op has done nothing wrong here. She has been understanding and forgiving and already gone to counselling to work on communication. Her partner is telling her by his actions that he is going to continue to sext other women, despite knowing it will hurt her and cause damage to his marriage.

She met him at 16 and they've been together 20 years so she's only 36. She hasn't even lived half her life yet. She's given 20 years to a man who is repeatedly disrespecting her. Should she set aside her needs and wants as a person in the hopes that some day her partner will have an epiphany and start respecting her? The op has very clearly communicated her boundaries to her partner and he accepted them. Then he broke them. The consequences are firmly on his shoulders. If the op decides to leave him then that's on him.

People on boards are not telling her that she should break up with him, they're telling her that if she does, then she doesn't have to feel guilty for doing so. But she probably will. Because she's a decent person. Unlike her partner.

tara73

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

So your opinion rather than evidence based??

yes, exactly, my opinion and personal experience and that of many others here if you follow this forum for a longer time.


Please remember, it wasn't me who claimed to have statistics ready for this subject, it was you! I wouldn't bring your so called evidence based statistics into relationship issues, hence my comment to you.

Anyway, I leave it at that.

Pawwed Rig

First off it is a pretty fair assessment of the advice given in this forum. I have contributed to many threads over the years and the 'dump him' narrative is very common.
Secondly the counselling was for other items rather than for texting other women.
Thirdly you have made a judgement on 2 whole personalities based on a few lines of text? That is astounding. You are giving advice on what a person should do about a 20 year relationship with kids involved based on a few lines of text from onlynone person's perspective. That is irresponsible in the extreme.

Question for you. How many counselling sessions did they do?
What was the engagement like from both parties?
Now I do not know the answers to these questions but they would seem to me to be relevant.

Paddy Cow

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Is it cheating. I am not sure if that is the case. It is a breach of trust however. Could I regain the trust? I don't know.

However I wouldn't throw away a 20 year relationship without putting up a dam good fight.

And you can stay together for the sake of kids. I don't know where this notion has come from. Statistics show clearly that kids from 2 parent families turn out better than single parented kids.

That's kinda true but the statistics are very easy to manipulate. If we had a study which followed children from families with two parents who had a toxic relationship vs one loving parent, I'm pretty sure the child from the single parent would turn out better. PI is littered with adults who have emotional/mental health issues and they have both parents. There are numerous books/websites/forums dedicated to adult children who are dealing with the fallout of their toxic parents.

Pawwed Rig

Ok so dismiss actual statistics and base your opinion on a few anecdotal points!!

Come on. These are people's lives you are talking about. Let the professionals deal with it.

Paddy Cow

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

First off it is a pretty fair assessment of the advice given in this forum. I have contributed to many threads over the years and the 'dump him' narrative is very common.
Secondly the counselling was for other items rather than for texting other women.
Thirdly you have made a judgement on 2 whole personalities based on a few lines of text? That is astounding. You are giving advice on what a person should do about a 20 year relationship with kids involved based on a few lines of text from onlynone person's perspective. That is irresponsible in the extreme.

Question for you. How many counselling sessions did they do?
What was the engagement like from both parties?
Now I do not know the answers to these questions but they would seem to me to be relevant.

As I have explained, by the time people ask for advice on boards, the problems in a relationship may have reached breaking point. Hence the high "leave" advice comments. It's not that boardies get joy out of breaking up relationships but from an outsiders perspective, it may seen the logical conclusion.

Yes I will give judgement and advice based on a few lines of text. If that is irresponsible then boards should delete the whole forum.

How many counselling sessions the op had is irrelevant. She tried. It doesn't matter. The facts are that she found him sexting after she asked him to stop and he agreed. He betrayed her trust. Again. It has put her in a sh"tty position. We can argue semantics for 100 pages but it won't change the op's position. She is with a guy who is not treating her well and he knows it. She has two options. She can leave and try to rebuild her life or she can stay and try to change the way he treats her.

She has asked if she should feel guilty if she chooses the latter. I don't think she should.

dudara

Posters - that’s enough of the back and forth. Stick to offering advice to the OP please.

dudara

baby and crumble

In all honesty, OP, you're the only one who can say whether in the context of your relationship, sexting random girls is cheating. It sounds like you think it is, or else you wouldn't have asked him to stop the last time, and you wouldn't be upset about it now.

Everyone has different lines in a relationship, for some people flirting is cheating- it's not in my relationship but the reason I know that is because myself and my wife have talked about it, and we check in with each other and talk about stuff like that. Communication is the key really. We both know where the line is around flirting, watching porn, etc.