Trouble getting back into Lonerville

LegacyUser

Hi Ho,

So I spent all of my 20's on my own, single, no girlfriend (had GF at end of Teens), no actual sexy time at all, it never happened, I didn't look for it to happen either, I guess, so, "shrugs".

Met someone in 30's, together for a few years but it didn't work, wanted different things sooo that ended, I did her a favour but she doesn't realise it yet. Now, I just want to go back to Lonerville and I'm happy to stay there this time, but, I'm in bother.

I can't readjust...

I miss herself of course, was never a big social media-er, have wiped myself off all that now, was looking her up on it and just wasting time.

Find myself thinking about a girl at work, she's there a year, other than pleasantries, I've only spoke to her once...so not sure why the hell she's started to take up residence in my mind so much, she has a BF and nothings ever gonna happen, I don't want it to.

Got myself moved to a different area for 2 weeks so I wouldn't see her and tagged on 2 weeks holidays to that aswell but fcuk-me, a month alone time didn't shake her!

I guess I've Mental Health Issues, don't we all, but honestly I've done a mighty job hiding the bullsh1t I think about...no one wants to hear that sh1t, in 15 years the veil has only slipped once, never fallen...no one around to see it fall anyway I suppose. I know literally everyone at work (serious achievement if you knew the place), but no one outside it, work friends ain't real friends, don't seem to have any of them. I smile and talk when I just wanna sit/stare and be quiet, I'm in the middle of the crack with the guys at work and I'm just thinking how much I want to do myself in...but this stuff has always floated around up there, I'm use to it.

Jaysus, so where's the question in that, I dunno, thoughts? More so about the first half than the second half.

Finchie1276

What do you want to change?

LegacyUser

Don't know what you mean about hiding the veil, you do have a public and private self you know and that's okay.

It sounds like you need an outlet, for your social needs as well as working out your own issues (get whatever help you can and look into self help).

It also stands out a mile that you've included a lot of your past, like a lot. Is that all stuff you think about a lot!? I suppose you're just reconciling this idea of a wasted youth and grappling with how you want to spend your next chapter - differently it sounds like!

Xterminator

Hi Op

You spent your energy keeping up a facade for 15 years. that must have been draining. . you may think the problem was i the 1st part of your posting rather than the second but you are completely wrong there.

The symptom is the loneliness but the cause is your mental health and relationship with yourself and how that impacts others. You say you did her a favour, but you know what, that is you sabotaging your own happiness,

So start here with you. call pieta house today, and let them know you have suicidal thoughts, take the 1st step and ask for help. You deserve to be happy, you can be happy.

https://www.pieta.ie/contact-us

if your nowhere near a pieta house speak with your GP.

LegacyUser

Finchie1276 wrote: »

What do you want to change?

OP here,

Ooh, everything and nothing depending on the moment you ask, my current mood swings or phase of life has me thinking about everything from, I guess positives like Kids to moving to doing a yes man (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3ar1tBj_Zk) like the Jim Carrey film. These instances come up alot when you're actually looking out for them...and the not so positives - daily at the min but it'll pass.

Quitting the Job is a current strong contender - https://www.nber.org/papers/w22487.pdf
(Just linking because I found it interesting) Or an extended break at least, it's not a good place, I'm just passing myself at times lately - bare minimum to keep things social. Have to be careful.


That's a broad question...to make me think I guess, I need a kicker to help me do what would probably be good for me....I don't have one so will have to kick myself...

LegacyUser

Net20202 wrote: »

Don't know what you mean about hiding the veil, you do have a public and private self you know and that's okay.

Most peoples Public and Private, when you minus the fake niceities, are the same.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

You spent your energy keeping up a facade for 15 years. that must have been draining. . you may think the problem was i the 1st part of your posting rather than the second but you are completely wrong there.

The symptom is the loneliness but the cause is your mental health and relationship with yourself and how that impacts others. You say you did her a favour, but you know what, that is you sabotaging your own happiness,

So start here with you. call pieta house today, and let them know you have suicidal thoughts, take the 1st step and ask for help. You deserve to be happy, you can be happy.

https://www.pieta.ie/contact-us

if your nowhere near a pieta house speak with your GP.

Thanks for this X, lost count of how many times I've reread this.

My GP is a no go, can't have this on record, it affects Life Insurance, travel Insurance (which I use alot), who knows what else, she's a good Doc but last resort. Another GP will just pawn me off with whatever the current upper he/she is getting backhanded to prescribe about, not currently a road I want to go down either.

I rang one of the lines, found it an odd setting, low tone of voice they use...I honestly think a chat to some 80 year old man that's lived a life, on a bench in the park is what I need, odd ha?

But with the massively unlikely hood of that happening, (though I'd talk to anyone at the minute, use to be to quiet, along with the new odd urge to cut the arms of myself, I say odd because I'm not going to do it but it rattles around up there, along with that has come no fear), I've found a place online to fire thoughts about that's a good foundation block if you will and onwards and upwards from here!

professore

reggie996 wrote: »

Most peoples Public and Private, when you minus the fake niceities, are the same.

That's definitely not true. I always thought that because that's what I'm like myself... but loads of people wear a mask all the time.

Why not let the mask fall and live as who you are? It's not like what you are currently doing is making you happy.

wylo

reggie997 wrote: »

I guess I've Mental Health Issues, don't we all, but honestly I've done a mighty job hiding the bullsh1t I think about...no one wants to hear that sh1t, in 15 years the veil has only slipped once, never fallen...no one around to see it fall anyway I suppose. I know literally everyone at work (serious achievement if you knew the place), but no one outside it, work friends ain't real friends, don't seem to have any of them. I smile and talk when I just wanna sit/stare and be quiet, I'm in the middle of the crack with the guys at work and I'm just thinking how much I want to do myself in...but this stuff has always floated around up there, I'm use to it.

OP, you mention being more interested in the responses of the first half of your post, whereas in my opinion this is a pretty telling part of your post.

Im not a doctor so I cant go diagnosing, but imo it feels you are tolerating a very high level of unhappiness, or mild long term sadness/depression, etc. I say tolerating, because it sounds like you have gotten used to it so you perhaps forgotten there is an alternative.

I can or at least could relate.

I would consider talking to a therapist. Once you start talking, after a slow period of change you may never look back, and you might wonder what all the fuss was about, i.e. you'll be happy.

I did it, and uncovered ALOT more than I thought I would. And this is coming from someone with no history of any serious trauma or abuse or anything like that. Just a normal guy etc. (also your life story so far sounds very like mine actually).

Sorry if Im making alot of assumptions, but everything you describe sounds like what I went through, small obsessions over girls I barely knew, boredom even when I look like im having the craic, being a normal guy who gets on with people but in reality feeling pain inside, not depressed enough to call it serious, long term singleness, feeling like I have a veil over me etc.

LegacyUser

I miss herself of course, was never a big social media-er, have wiped myself off all that now, was looking her up on it and just wasting time.

What's the run time on this nowadays...ah only kidding, not like it changes.

professore wrote: »

Why not let the mask fall and live as who you are? It's not like what you are currently doing is making you happy.

Treat others the way you'd like to be treated yourself I guess, big believer in that. Though in practice, your "friends" make little of you, your partner will cheat on you, nice guys finish last. More often than not, the people who belong on the sole of your shoe seem to rise to the top not because of intelligence/brilliance or they're right person for the "job" but because they're the biggest dick/snake, ah life sucks ass.

LegacyUser

wylo wrote: »

OP, you mention being more interested in the responses of the first half of your post, whereas in my opinion this is a pretty telling part of your post.

Im not a doctor so I cant go diagnosing, but imo it feels you are tolerating a very high level of unhappiness, or mild long term sadness/depression, etc. I say tolerating, because it sounds like you have gotten used to it so you perhaps forgotten there is an alternative.

I can or at least could relate.

I would consider talking to a therapist. Once you start talking, after a slow period of change you may never look back, and you might wonder what all the fuss was about, i.e. you'll be happy.

I did it, and uncovered ALOT more than I thought I would. And this is coming from someone with no history of any serious trauma or abuse or anything like that. Just a normal guy etc. (also your life story so far sounds very like mine actually).

Sorry if Im making alot of assumptions, but everything you describe sounds like what I went through, small obsessions over girls I barely knew, boredom even when I look like im having the craic, being a normal guy who gets on with people but in reality feeling pain inside, not depressed enough to call it serious, long term singleness, feeling like I have a veil over me etc.

Hi Wylo,

What age roughly are you now? Have things really changed as a result of Therapist?? I struggle to see how, I've done it in my head, I say/they say--> how can it work? Long term Pharmacutical help? <MOD SNIP- FORBIDDEN REQUEST>



I seem to be trapped in a body, running on a sh1tty autopilot that I can turn off for awhile if I want but it'll re-engage itself soon after, ain't much uniqueness left in this world. We are a type. (Or I am), I've researched the physiological element a little bit, though more the progression side (if any) and stories...curious....I not surprised it takes half a decade to get up to scratch in the field....ahh.

di11on

Hey OP,

**Disclaimer - I might be totally wrong about everything :-) **

I empathize with you. I identify with a lot of what you said from my younger days. Particularly struggling with the "nice guys finish last" thread of thought and struggling with the seeming injustice of not being able to be a different person.

You seem to over-think things. For example, you have run through your hypothetical session with your hypothetical therapist already. Every scenario you contemplate (like going to the GP for example) you have already played out in your mind. And because you play everything out in your mind, there seems little point to anything because in your mental simulations, you don't see any positives in any particular course of action.

You may need the assistance of a therapist to get out of this cycle. Let life decide the outcomes of things rather than the simulations in your head. Life is very non-linear... it goes off script so easily which can be good and bad, but you need to be able to live with that and accept it.

There is always tremendous benefit in doing stuff that is good for you and making some changes to try and interrupt the cycle of things. Working out - new hobbies, drink less. When you start focusing on improving yourself and doing stuff that is good for you, it improves your self-confidence... and in the long run social interactions become easier. Divert all that thinky thinky mental energy into something positive. Try and recognize negative patterns of thought and interrupt them. Have a plan for that, for what you will do.

You're in the driving seat. Change course and don't be a slave to your thoughts...