Advice.

elius

Hi all,
Not sure where to start but myself and my wife have been having problems for the last number of months. Although problems have existed for the last 16yrs I for a long time decided to paper over the cracks, although I did bring them up nothing ever changed so I just kept changing the paper. It's come to a head in the last few months and after some soul searching I've decided im going to leave my wife. We are two very different people who lead very much different lives kept together by our child. We don't fight we just don't talk.

I'd appreciate any help or feedback. I'm not interested in trying to save the marriage. Our lives have changed and we are both heading in different directions both of us have admitted to being unhappy and both of us have said we feel like friends more than husband in wife.
So here's my dilema she has been on holiday with my son for the last 3 weeks with family. I decided I wasn't going. I think it might be best if I move some of my possessions out before she comes home and explain the situation when she's back. We haven't spoken right since shes been away so I feel now is the time for a clean break.

TIA

wiggle16

I don't think that's a good idea to be honest.

You need to talk to her and tell her, not make a grand statement by partially moving out. What will that actually accomplish?

elius

wiggle16 wrote: »

I don't think that's a good idea to be honest.

You need to talk to her and tell her, not make a grand statement by partially moving out. What will that actually accomplish?

We've already discussed me moving out I just thought if I'm gone it will makes things easier as we haven't spent the last 3 week's with each other . Although she has stated she wants to try make it work my heart is sadly no longer in it.

Ursus Horribilis

Depending on how things go, you partially moving your things out of the house could be viewed as a provocative thing. Really, it'd be better to wait until she get back and talk then. Perhaps it'd be better to investigate less obvious things in the meantime. Such as where you'll live, consulting a solicitor etc.

elius

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Depending on how things go, you partially moving your things out of the house could be viewed as a provocative thing. Really, it'd be better to wait until she get back and talk then. Perhaps it'd be better to investigate less obvious things in the meantime. Such as where you'll live, consulting a solicitor etc.

Have a place to live for a month or so and other options. We are renting and have very little joint possessions. She pays for her car I pay for mine. I've a maintenance figure in my head. To be honest only things I want are my family possesions grand parents etc

kerryjack

Have you a place to go, a lot of people stay together because they have no place to go, sounds like ye already split up anyway if she is gone for 3 weeks holidays and you left on your own.

wiggle16

deleted,i wasn't being helpful

leggo

OP I think it's a bad way to handle things. You seem to be afraid of confrontation or dealing with issues head on, even when you discuss your problems you say you don't fight, you just don't talk. I'm not saying you should stay and try save the relationship, it seems you're both happy to let it die, but there does actually need to be some formalising of stuff before you just leave. You have a son together, do you plan on continuing to have a relationship with him? You need to talk about that. You need to have adequate accommodation to look after him when he stays with you, your wife will want a say in that too or it could make things difficult.

The only 'benefit' to doing things this way is it avoids any conflict or awkwardness, and that's no reason to avoid dealing with a serious issue such as a marriage ending.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I think it might be best if I move some of my possessions out before she comes home and explain the situation when she's back.

this is the cowards way out IMO.

Look you have said your mind is made up, so the next thing to do is to act with dignity and compassion here. Imagine walking in after your holidays to an apartment/house and realising you have been dumped but your partner doesn't have the courtesy to let you know. After 16 years!!!!!! Just so you can avoid some hassle. And that's before you explain things to your child?

Do you think splitting up with your partner of 16 years and mother of your child should cost you no pain? Let her realise the marriage is over alone, with no chance to express her feelings. Would you not feel some obligation to ask her opinion on how best to deal with the breakup and not cause any more pain than necessary to your child? Ask how she thinks maintenance will work and if your figure is mutually acceptable? whether she is happy to stay in your home alone, or if she can afford that without you. Perhaps she will need to move closer to her parents as being a single mother will be difficult, and she may need some support?

seems to me your idea of checking out before she gets home is cold and calculated to protect your feelings at the expense of hers. OP you have checked out of the marriage some time ago. You may have reached the point where you are ready to move on. That doesnt mean its mutual.

elius

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op



this is the cowards way out IMO.

Look you have said your mind is made up, so the next thing to do is to act with dignity and compassion here. Imagine walking in after your holidays to an apartment/house and realising you have been dumped but your partner doesn't have the courtesy to let you know. After 16 years!!!!!! Just so you can avoid some hassle. And that's before you explain things to your child?

Do you think splitting up with your partner of 16 years and mother of your child should cost you no pain? Let her realise the marriage is over alone, with no chance to express her feelings. Would you not feel some obligation to ask her opinion on how best to deal with the breakup and not cause any more pain than necessary to your child? Ask how she thinks maintenance will work and if your figure is mutually acceptable? whether she is happy to stay in your home alone, or if she can afford that without you. Perhaps she will need to move closer to her parents as being a single mother will be difficult, and she may need some support?

seems to me your idea of checking out before she gets home is cold and calculated to protect your feelings at the expense of hers. OP you have checked out of the marriage some time ago. You may have reached the point where you are ready to move on. That doesnt mean its mutual.

Well said and that's the reason I came on here. Thank you

woodchuck

I completely agree with Xterminator. It would be a very cold thing to do. You said yourself that she wants to try make it work, so imagine how hurtful it would be for her to come home from holidays to see you've boxed everything up. After 16 years and a child together?! Surely you owe her more than that.

You need to have an honest heart to heart conversation with her. You can certainly make it clear that you intend to leave, but she deserves to know that before you actually move out!!

Also think of it from your childs perspective. Imagine his confusion and hurt if he came home to see that Daddy and all his things were suddenly gone. I know it's hard on a child no matter how it happens, but this is 100% the wrong way to go about it.

professore

I think you should see a solicitor and work out the practical details to get your ducks in a row. Then when she comes back (not when she walks in the door, maybe give it a day for her to come down off the holiday ...) talk to her and calmly tell her it's over and you need to work out the practical details. She might be relieved too. I agree with other posters that moving your stuff is the cowards way out.

SozBbz

Sounds to me like you've already pretty much decided on this course of action, and are looking for validation.
None of the posts above think its a good idea and I don't either. 
You've not given much information about your son but how will he view coming home from holiday to find you've moved out? Thats the stuff future issues are made of.
No one is saying you shouldnt end the relationship if thats what needs to happen, but you have to go about things the right way especially when there are children involved, not just the way that would cause you least awkwardness in the short term.

Ghekko

You should sort out more permanent accommodation before you leave, rather than somewhere for a month or so. You'll need somewhere to accommodate your child for visits. Can you afford to rent another property? Will your split cause her financial distress or is she financially independent and able to cover bills alone? You really should find out where you both stand legally and then sit down and talk about the practicalities.

Yellow pack crisps

It ain't just about you and your wife. Your child gets affected also. How you handle this will greatly affect him/her. Regardless of the marriage ending there is a right way to do things. Have a plan and a time frame that suits you both, just because you are splitting up does not mean you have to discard all those years of memories and flush them down the toilet which would be a guaranteed outcome if your wife and child came home after three weeks to a missing husband/father. Also you may have made the decision to end the marriage but after than many years your feelings would be still confused and you could be prone to making bad decisions because of that. Wait till your family get home, sit down with your wife and in a compassionate and loving way discuss your exit plan among yourselves and keep the family dynamic healthy , honest and open, it will stand you well in the long run. Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah, there really is more to organise than moving out your few personal possessions and finding a temporary place to live. You've mentioned maintenance. Would it cover your portion of the rent, along with your child's expenses? Will your wife be able to afford the rent so that she and your son are able to remain living in their home, or will they have to move?

Ending a long term relationship involving a child is not a simple case of moving out. You've waited 16 years, you can surely wait another few weeks. There's no rush.

Talk to her when she gets home. Anything else is just a sh*tty way to act.