Breaking up early in a Marriage

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am looking for some advice.

From the outside, we look like the perfect couple in love and recently married (under 2 yrs)
We didn't rush in as such and had lived together before getting married. We also had plenty of fights before we got married so we kinda knew what to expect from each other.

The issue is - we are killing each other - with fights every couple of weeks. I used to jot these down as someone suggested it but stopped a few months ago. These have gotten worse and worse. We had some external things which would be perceived as perfectly normal reasons or excuses for some of these fights. However a part of me - my gut thinks that we might have both made a mistake and that the relationship is slowly becoming toxic and we cause both of us more pain and hurt if we were to break up. I also worried that is just part of me - maybe 'fight or flight syndrome' which is kicking in too.

There is no one else involved.

We both love each other.

We are intimate.

We are not in our 20s.

Breaking up would hit both of us very hard - I have no doubt about this.

The stress from this - which has been going on months is really killing me inside (guessing also my spouse too). I really think we both would hit rock bottom if we finished - this is playing on the mind too.

My family is totally unaware of this which is making it even harder. I have had these thoughts before but have in the past just pushed them aside and made up after one of the big fights - and just got on with day to day life. Sometimes I think I am in complete denial and just block things out after a few days (I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing). I know fights etc are part of relationships and marriages and I hear the expression all the time - we have 'our ups and downs ' but something is bugging me that this is too much. I also think the guilt if we broke up would be a factor as the family is very fond of my spouse.

The obvious answer is to go to counseling together - which we intend to do shortly. Part of me is not sure about going together - or should I go on my own.

I really just need some advice from anyone who has ended a marriage early or maybe you have family or friends that did it.

Thanks for any help or advice you can offer.

Ann84

I don’t have any advice but would say I am in a very similar situation only a few sessions into counselling - doesn’t seem to be working for us even though I believe deep down we want it to and I feel pretty down in the dumps and frustrated but like you, I feel like we can’t just stay like this - will be interested to see what advice you get...

In a sad way I just wanted to say thanks for making me feel like I’m not the only one (or we’re not the only ones) drowning in a sea of happy newlyweds

Best of luck x

zoobizoo

What are the fights over, how do they start and end?

And, do you discuss them at all? As in "the reason why unsaid that yesterday was because I felt X" type of conversations.......

Or are you avo8d8ng discussing them in the good Times?

Caranica

The first year of my marriage was hell. Fight fight fight, it was like we'd bitten our tongues in the run up to the wedding and after we get back from honeymoon it was like the gloves were off.

It did get easier after that, but it took a lot to get through that first year or so. Hang on in there OP

Xterminator

Hi Op

seems a little early to be throwing the towel in.

my take on it is you are both mature people possible a little set in your ways and perhaps the step of marriage has added to the strains that already existed.

but before you give up, would you not take relationship counselling classes? learn to deal with conflict without hurting each other. it is do-able if you both care enough.

LegacyUser

I am in the same predicament but my spouse refuses to acknowledge that there is an issue. We had a conversation about it recently and I outlined how desperately unhappy I am and how I want to go for counselling but they are claiming that we are actually happy but I need to cop on.

We have been together for a long time and we used to get on brilliantly. Now, we are at each other’s throats constantly. I feel that they have lost all respect for me and just don’t care anymore. I think that it has gotten to the stage where verbal and emotional abuse are the norm and it will get worse. I seem to spend my life walking on eggshells and crying myself to sleep.

I will be calling it a day soon. I just can’t take it anymore. At least we haven’t progressed to the kids and mortgage stage (my fault apparently) yet. ☹️

nthclare

Im just wondering what these fights are about ?
Is it two people being picky with a narcissistic undertone ?

Or is it financial ?

woodchuck

The obvious answer is to go to counseling together - which we intend to do shortly. Part of me is not sure about going together - or should I go on my own.

There's no reason you can't do both. I think couples counselling is definitely a good idea, but you both might benefit from individual counselling also.

You say you had plenty of fights before you got married and have bad fights every couple of weeks. While it is normal for couple to fight the odd time, imo this sounds more frequent than most normal healthy relationships. What are the fights about? If it's about bigger issues that come up time and time again, then these issues won't go away and need to be seriously addressed. If the fights are about smaller day-to-day things, then you both might need to work on your communication skills.

beertons

What are you fighting over? Is there drink involved?

homerjay2005

"killing each other".....a fight every 2 weeks is nothing! you sure you are not over playing the situation and being a bit dramatic for no reason?


if everybody threw in the towel over some fights every 2 weeks, there wouldnt be one person in a relationship in this country.

Green&Red

I’d say you have to look at what the fights are over, is it the same issue?
If it is ye need to discuss it and try and see where the other person is coming from and come to a common ground.
If it’s new things every time then it sounds like communication issues. Ye didn’t just get married and then completely change as people.
If it’s money or baby issues then recognise it for that and not personal. Reading your post its obvious you’re still in love

woodchuck

homerjay2005 wrote: »

"killing each other".....a fight every 2 weeks is nothing! you sure you are not over playing the situation and being a bit dramatic for no reason?


if everybody threw in the towel over some fights every 2 weeks, there wouldnt be one person in a relationship in this country.

Do you really think that? I wouldn't say a big fight every 2 weeks is nothing.

I was in a relationship before where we fought regularly. I thought this was normal, but it shouldn't become normal to feel emotionally drained all the time, constantly walking on egg shells hoping that you don't say/do something that will set the other person off again.

In my current relationship we rarely fight at all. In fact, I can't think of one genuine argument we've had. Sure we'll disagree the odd time or come across a little snappy if stressed/tired. But generally speaking, we don't fight. It's so refreshing!

homerjay2005

woodchuck wrote: »

Do you really think that? I wouldn't say a big fight every 2 weeks is nothing.

I was in a relationship before where we fought regularly. I thought this was normal, but it shouldn't become normal to feel emotionally drained all the time, constantly walking on egg shells hoping that you don't say/do something that will set the other person off again.

In my current relationship we rarely fight at all. In fact, I can't think of one genuine argument we've had. Sure we'll disagree the odd time or come across a little snappy if stressed/tired. But generally speaking, we don't fight. It's so refreshing!

my parents "fight" almost hourly and they are together almost 50 years and as strong as a rock :D:D

if you fight rarely, good for you thats fine. but plenty of people will have regular fights with their partner and just get on with it as a normal part of life

woodchuck

homerjay2005 wrote: »

plenty of people will have regular fights with their partner and just get on with it as a normal part of life

But the OP says it's killing him. So obviously he can't accept it as a normal part of life.

homerjay2005

woodchuck wrote: »

But the OP says it's killing him. So obviously he can't accept it as a normal part of life.

life is all about growing mature and developing as a person.

if its so stressful, then stay quiet and dont fight back for example and things tend to be over so quick.

that way, you see quite quickly who is the one causing the rows and you work from there.

GingerLily

I think you'd regret it if you didn't make an effort to fix this.

Definitely try couples counselling, maybe you will need to go your separate ways, but it would be a shame to just give up on the marriage at this stage, especially since you obviously still care for each other.

Good luck OP

woodchuck

homerjay2005 wrote: »

life is all about growing mature and developing as a person.

if its so stressful, then stay quiet and dont fight back for example and things tend to be over so quick.

that way, you see quite quickly who is the one causing the rows and you work from there.

I don't think playing games to try and assign blame is going to help. It's rarely, or never, the fault of one person. It's about working through the problem together - ideally with a professional since this has been going on for years.

.......

Fighting every couple of weeks isnt normal.

Im with my husband 15 years and we very rarely fight - maybe once a year. And its almost always over something totally stupid like one of us leaving the place a mess and the other coming in tired and just annoyed seeing the mess.

I wouldnt be able for conflict every couple of weeks, it would totally stress me out and affect both my mental and physical wellbeing.

What are the fights about and how are they getting resolved?

Some people grew up in environments where there was a lot of fighting and they are somewhat immune to the effects of it. They see it as a normal part and parcel of a relationship.

If you are fighting every couple of weeks has it now become more about scoring points rather than really fighting over anything?

I think the only way to resolve this is individual and couples counselling for both of you. Perhaps neither of you is able to deal with conflict maturely. Certainly if you are fighting so often one of you is not listening to the other.

professore

Certainly if you are fighting so often one of you is not listening to the other.

I find the couples that never fight, one person gets their way all the time and issues are never discussed unless they affect the person getting their way.

OP we need to know what kind of stuff triggers these fights to make any assessment. If for example you are all over other people when you go out then it's not surprising you trigger a fight response. On the other hand if it's anything at all randomly triggering it then there is an underlying problem.

To fight you need one person disagreeing over something the other person said or did. We need to know this dynamic.

.......

professore wrote: »

To fight you need one person disagreeing over something the other person said or did. We need to know this dynamic.

Its possible to disagree without having a fight.

A fight is over who is right, a discussion is over what is right.

Myself and my husband very very rarely fight, but of course we disagree and discuss and compromise. Fighting because you "dont get your own way" is a very immature way to approach an adult relationship.

Fighting to the degree described by the OP is hugely toxic and will cause a lot of stress and resentment.

nthclare

Im a bit sceptical about it all to be honest, we dont know what causes the fights...

nthclare

....... wrote: »

Its possible to disagree without having a fight.

A fight is over who is right, a discussion is over what is right.

Myself and my husband very very rarely fight, but of course we disagree and discuss and compromise. Fighting because you "dont get your own way" is a very immature way to approach an adult relationship.

Fighting to the degree described by the OP is hugely toxic and will cause a lot of stress and resentment.

I agree with you it's absolutely toxic and anybody who thinks this is normal are most likely borderline NPD

LolaJJ

I think it's really hard to give you advice OP, not without knowing the severity of the reasons for the fighting and if it's different things that you're fighting about (incompatibility) or the same things again and again (poor communication)

Also there's a big difference between fighting and arguing. Myself and my partner have never really had a fight.....but we argue a good bit. It's pretty normal not to see the world exactly the same as another human being, so disagreements are 100% normal.

What's happening when you fight? Are you mean and hurtful to each other? Do you feel like you can honestly communicate how you feel about things to eachother?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again,

Thank you to everyone who has replied with feedback and suggestions. It really is helpful - I post in the forum so its great to be at the receiving end of advice.

- We have arranged to go to counseling now - so will try and go into this with an open mind to resolving this / fixing it.

- I have managed to talk to 1 or 2 people and this has helped with the weight off my shoulder a bit.

- The 'fights' could be grouped together under a small number of themes I think - this is one of the first things people want to know before they advise. I am biased but the majority of the fights are started and carried by my spouse - this is hard to say online as a lot of people will not accept this and say there has to be two of you in it - but I am just not the person to fight or have a conflict. Don't get me wrong I am not perfect - I can be tired or cranky but the majority of the time I am passive about this. One of the big things is that recently as I am at the end of my patience/tether - I have been more snappy etc and this has made things a lot worse ( in other words both parties contributing as opposed to the usual one. The other thing which (again I not playing the blame game is that my spouse has a very bad temper / short fuse which again is a huge factor in this. This is been worked on separately but is proving a big factor.

- I/We both need to look over and see are the same issue cropping up. I have developed a habit ( not sure if this is good or bad) of completing moving on after a day or 2 and would find it hard to remember the exact trigger point.

- Communication - as cliche as is it! does contribute - we both now are very sensitive to what the other person says - and often fight over a simple misunderstanding.

- Also, there's a big difference between fighting and arguing @LolaJJ
That's really good point and it is something that will have to consider and really reflect on. We have been doing both for sure.

- I think it's important to say again - these are not us arguing about putting out the bins etc or whos turn it is to cook the dinner - they have been more toxic (only the last few months) - more hurtful things said - some violence (low end /minor) - suggestions of self-harm etc

thanks

daithi7

Ooahhh Op,

Your last paragraph chills me tbh. All else sounded someway workable but the last bit ominous alas.

Anyway I'll leave that for your counsellor and yourselves. Good luck with it

P.s. Sometimes when I'm in a bit of a bind like this to apply the Common sense filter as to what to do or even think of the situation, I think of myself and whoever I'm fighting with e.g. your wife and the situation as a 3Rd party would see it.....

And then when I ' look at it ' as if through their eyes, it often helps to see the wood from the trees.

Anyway hope this helps.

Finchie1276

This sounds like you cannot communicate. You found it hard to actually detail what you fight about but easy to detail who does what/ who behaves like what.

1. What do you differ on?
2. How do you communicate that difference?
3. Is the difference worth fighting for?
4. Why do you both descend into oblivion and get personal?

Sounds like a particularly toxic relationship. THe harm/ threats of harm - thats where I draw the line.

.......

OP you still didnt say what you fight about.

Given what you have posted you could be indirectly saying that you come home drunk and wreck the place, and your partner addresses it to you and it becomes a fight with you being passive and him giving out.

In that case Id say you need to stop drinking and causing chaos.

Or it could be that you have just made a beautiful meal and cleaned the house and your partner comes home and goes off on one because he hates his job and he takes it out on you with you being passive and him giving out.

Everything you havent said really makes a difference to what the best advice is.

But fundamentally - if there are threats of violence or low end violence - thats an extremely bad sign.

professore

....... wrote: »

Its possible to disagree without having a fight.

A fight is over who is right, a discussion is over what is right.

Myself and my husband very very rarely fight, but of course we disagree and discuss and compromise. Fighting because you "dont get your own way" is a very immature way to approach an adult relationship.

Fighting to the degree described by the OP is hugely toxic and will cause a lot of stress and resentment.

You are right, this is an important distinction. Some people have a very confrontational style of discussing while others are more tentative. This can lead to problems in a relationship too.

.......

professore wrote: »

You are right, this is an important distinction. Some people have a very confrontational style of discussing while others are more tentative. This can lead to problems in a relationship too.

Yes, absolutely.

Some of that can be conditioning, if you grew up in an environment where everyone was always arguing heatedly (or at least it sounded that way) but really no one was taking it to heart then you might be immune to someone becoming heated and not take on board how upset they are.

The only example I can think of that I experienced recently was when the boss in our job went bananas at someone (no idea over what), but his behaviour and shouting was so over the top that people thought a drunk or a junkie had gotten into the building and gone nuts. When it became apparent who it was, people were genuinely shocked.

For myself, if I had lost control to the degree he had, I would need to go see a doctor or at the very very least have a very long lie down. But he was fine afterwards, breezy even. Like becoming a madman temporarily had no impact on him. Perhaps he is used to that kind of behaviour. Those of us who arent were really shocked and Id go so far as to say it changed our view of him permanently.

Conflict, especially heated conflict, can affect different people differently.