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Is this normal??

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  • 10-08-2018 2:02pm
    #1
    Bonnie63
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭


    My partner said to me last night that she would rather see me dead than see me with anyone else. Today when I breached the subject she said she didnt mean it like that she was just trying to say how much she loved me. I said that in my opinion I couldn't draw anything positive from what she said. Her reply was that I was just trying to twist things and that most people would take it the way she meant it. Who's right, me or her?


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    #2
    TheChizler
    Registered Users Posts: 9,429 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    Sometimes people have brain farts and nobody needs to be right? Unless you start seeing her wringing her hands around an imaginary neck whenever you talk to another woman I wouldn't read much more into it.


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    #3
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Has she taken back what she said? Or is she trying to justify it?

    I would be worried - is she generally possessive?


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    #4
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    It could be a sign that she's a jealous, possessive person. Are there other signs? Taken in isolation though I wouldn't be worried.


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    #5
    Bonnie63
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭Bonnie63


    GingerLily wrote: »
    Has she taken back what she said? Or is dhe trying to justify it?

    I would be worried - is she generally possessive?
    Trying to justify it.


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    #6
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Bonnie63 wrote: »
    Trying to justify it.

    Well I wouldn't accept the comment then.

    You should consider walking away, if you accept this then your basically agreeing with it.


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    #7
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Without context its impossible to tell. Like what brought it up? Doesn't exactly sound like a death threat, like.

    If it was just a general statement then I think you're overreacting by taking it so seriously. You don't have to take anything from it, positive or negative. It's only words.

    I think you're making an issue out of nothing to be honest.


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    #8
    Bonnie63
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭Bonnie63


    GingerLily wrote: »
    Well I wouldn't accept the comment then.

    You should consider walking away, if you accept this then your basically agreeing with it.
    I am walking away. Thats what started it all. Two years of argumentative and confrontational behaviour. It's not what I'm used to and Ive had enough.


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    #9
    Riskymove
    Registered Users Posts: 10,885 ✭✭✭✭Riskymove


    TBH
    there is a big difference between a threatening "if you try to leave me I'll kill you"

    and someone saying "you leaving me would hurt me more than you dying" in a misguided attempt to portray feelings


    Only you and her can know the context and the likely meaning


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    #10
    Bonnie63
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭Bonnie63


    wiggle16 wrote: »
    Without context its impossible to tell. Like what brought it up? Doesn't exactly sound like a death threat, like.

    If it was just a general statement then I think you're overreacting by taking it so seriously. You don't have to take anything from it, positive or negative. It's only words.

    I think you're making an issue out of nothing to be honest.

    I accept that as a possibility, however there's a lot more to it than an isolated statement. I wont go into it on here as this is not the place but thanks all for your feedback.


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    #11
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    GingerLily wrote: »
    Well I wouldn't accept the comment then.

    You should consider walking away, if you accept this then your basically agreeing with it.

    Sorry GingerLily but that's ridiculous. It's just a stupid statement that doesn't actually mean anything.

    And you can accept a person's opinion without agreeing with it. It's called agreeing to disagree, a basic concept in interpersonal relationships.

    It would be ridiculous to end a relationship over disagreeing with a silly statement. Total megalomaniacal behaviour.


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    #12
    Bonnie63
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭Bonnie63


    Riskymove wrote: »
    TBH
    there is a big difference between a threatening "if you try to leave me I'll kill you"

    and someone saying "you leaving me would hurt me more than you dying" in a misguided attempt to portray feelings


    Only you and her can know the context and the likely meaning
    I agree with what you're saying but her words were ' I'd rather see you dead than see you with someone else ' and thats verbatim. The thing is one never really knows what goes on inside persons mind


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    #13
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,041 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    wiggle16 wrote: »
    Sorry GingerLily but that's ridiculous. It's just a stupid statement that doesn't actually mean anything.

    And you can accept a person's opinion without agreeing with it. It's called agreeing to disagree, a basic concept in interpersonal relationships.

    It would be ridiculous to end a relationship over disagreeing with a silly statement. Total megalomaniacal behaviour.

    Read the OP's post, they are walking away.

    OP be strong and vigilant. Make sure at least one person close to you knows that she's said that.


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    #14
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    wiggle16 wrote: »
    Sorry GingerLily but that's ridiculous. It's just a stupid statement that doesn't actually mean anything.

    And you can accept a person's opinion without agreeing with it. It's called agreeing to disagree, a basic concept in interpersonal relationships.

    It would be ridiculous to end a relationship over disagreeing with a silly statement. Total megalomaniacal behaviour.

    The OP is worried about it, so it is obviously more then just a silly statement.


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    #15
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Caranica wrote: »
    Read the OP's post, they are walking away.

    OP be strong and vigilant. Make sure at least one person close to you knows that she's said that.

    And @GingerLily

    OP replied while I was writing my post, thanks.

    It's silly to end a relationship over a statement. If it's part of a pattern, then it's a bigger issue and my advice would likely be different. The OP gave no other context in the initial post, so you can only advise on what you're given.

    Best of luck anyway OP


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    #16
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Bonnie63 wrote: »
    I am walking away. Thats what started it all. Two years of argumentative and confrontational behaviour. It's not what I'm used to and Ive had enough.

    That sheds a completely different light on it then!

    If you're walking away, what's the issue? Are you actually afraid that this was some sort of threat that she'll act on? Most likely she's just upset and trying to emotionally blackmail you.


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    #17
    Bonnie63
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭Bonnie63


    woodchuck wrote: »
    That sheds a completely different light on it then!

    If you're walking away, what's the issue? Are you actually afraid that this was some sort of threat that she'll act on? Most likely she's just upset and trying to emotionally blackmail you.

    There's no issue as such. I've already made up my mind but she's the type of woman, she makes a statement and she'll say ' you ask anyone and I bet they'd say you're wrong.' So, I asked everyone. I just wanted to see what feedback I'd get. As for the emotional blackmail? yes thats been tried too. The bottom line is I'm done with that relationship.


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    #18
    s7ryf3925pivug
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,007 ✭✭✭s7ryf3925pivug


    Not normal. Probably quite psycho as it seems to be in the context of you heading towards breaking up.


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    #19
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Context matters OP. Just based on the statement alone, I’d say you’re being really dramatic ending a relationship over this, so that’s my answer to your question because that’s all you’ve given us to work with.

    If there’s more that you haven’t gone into, then maybe it could be weird if there’s a pattern and every odd comment they make comes back to brutally murdering you. But you haven’t really told us that so it’s difficult to help since your OP is essentially “Who is right, me or my partner? I don’t want to get into it.”


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    #20
    s7ryf3925pivug
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,007 ✭✭✭s7ryf3925pivug


    Context affects meaning, but there's no context that makes it OK. It's a scale between unhealthy obsession and active death threats.


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    #21
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Moshe Fit Strawberry wrote: »
    Context affects meaning, but there's no context that makes it OK. It's a scale between unhealthy obsession and active death threats.

    People say dumb stuff that comes out differently to how they mean in the real world all the time. If the girl I'm seeing said the same thing, I'd be a bit taken aback because it'd be so out of character, I'd probably give her a chance to clarify, but I wouldn't go to the Internet and ask a bunch of people if I needed to finish the relationship. That'd be the 'looking for drama' route.

    If a girl I was with didn't have English as her first language, similarly, I probably wouldn't even blink because it could just be a figure of speech in their country/culture that translates harshly.

    If it came off the back of a lot of behaviour that left me wondering about the state of her mental health, then yeah I'd be wondering if I need to worry as thinking about my death is a strange thing to randomly leap to.

    So yeah, context matters.


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    #22
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    Bonnie63 wrote: »
    I am walking away. Thats what started it all. .

    :eek::eek:

    That's a bit more worrying so.

    I'd sleep with one eye open and don't eat any food she makes in that case!


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    #23
    Green&Red
    Registered Users Posts: 11,387 ✭✭✭✭Green&Red


    Bonnie63 wrote: »
    My partner said to me last night that she would rather see me dead than see me with anyone else. Today when I breached the subject she said she didnt mean it like that she was just trying to say how much she loved me. I said that in my opinion I couldn't draw anything positive from what she said. Her reply was that I was just trying to twist things and that most people would take it the way she meant it. Who's right, me or her?

    It sounds like she's saying you're blowing this out of all proportion, which in fairness without any background info it sounds like you are

    It could have been meant in a jokey way? It could have been meant in a I can't imagine either of us with anyone else kinda way?
    Or it could have been meant in the I'll stab you 80 times if you ever left me for someone else kinda way?

    I would think the last way is the LEAST likely


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    #24
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,419 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Green&Red wrote:
    It sounds like she's saying you're blowing this out of all proportion, which in fairness without any background info it sounds like you are

    Er, did you only read the first post before you replied, by any chance?


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    #25
    Green&Red
    Registered Users Posts: 11,387 ✭✭✭✭Green&Red


    I quoted what she said to the OP

    Her reply was that I was just trying to twist things and that most people would take it the way she meant it


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    #26
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,419 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    S/he also said:

    Bonnie63 wrote:
    I am walking away. Thats what started it all. Two years of argumentative and confrontational behaviour. It's not what I'm used to and Ive had enough.
    Bonnie63 wrote:
    There's a lot more to it than an isolated statement. I wont go into it on here as this is not the place.
    Bonnie63 wrote:
    As for the emotional blackmail? yes thats been tried too. The bottom line is I'm done with that relationship.


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