Struggling to get over Ex

LegacyUser

Im really struggling in life at the moment and looking for some advice on how to move on.

My longterm girlfriend (ten years) and I broke up towards the end of last year. 100% my fault. I cheated and lied to her and treated her pretty bad for a period.

After a couple of months apart she forgave me and we got back together and got engaged. Something didnt feel quite
right when we did. Possibly my fear of commitment but a few things on her own side had freaked me out as well. Initally
refusing to cut contact with someone she had dated. After much back and forth she eventually agreed but something just
wasnt right and we split a couple of weeks later.

We remained on OKish terms. Texting and chatting the odd time. Eventaully i asked could we try again and she said no. That she could never see us happening again. I got mad at her for this and ended up getting with the girl i cheated with and changing my number trying to cut contact. It was just lashing out really I think. The girl and I didnt stay together long.

Since then, my ex is all I can think about. She has pretty much completly moved on. Has a new fella and seems very happy. I cannot stop thinking about her and the life we had planned. Kids being the major thing. I just cannot see myself havingthem with anyone else other then her. I cant picture it at all and dont really want them with anyone else but her.

Ive went to a counsellor to try and get over the commitment issues I have and to try work out why I did what I did to my ex when we were prob at our happiest. I didnt seem to get much out of it. I am going to a psychotherapist now but I find im not getting a lot out of that either. I will continue to go but they just seem to roll out the usual cliches and it is very expensive. I will stick it out for another while though and see what happens.

I am trying to distract myself hanging out with my family and trying to keep busy but literally every morning when I wake up she is the first thing on my mind and is usually on my mind for the entire day. I cry myself to sleep a lot thinking of the lost life I had with her.

We bumped into each other recently. She was with her new fella and I was with a family member. I said hello and she turned her head in the opposite direction and ignored me. This hurt a lot I have to say. To be completely blanked by her. Again, I got angry and decided feck her. If she cant even be civil and say hello why am I wasting time thinking about her.
I was like this for a few days and was prett glad that I was feeling something else about her other than loss but slowly but surely those other feelings came back.

I am really struggling witht the fact that I have completly messed up the best thing in my life and worry that kids just wont happen for me now. Everyone is telling me that I will meet someone eventually and move on but I have zero interest in meeting someone new and starting again. I dont see this changing anytime soon either.

It kills me she has moved on so soon and can literally blank me in the street and I am still suffering. Maybe its karma for what I have done to her I dont know but I fear I will be stuck in this regretful thinking forever.

Arrival

strugglingOverEx wrote: »

It kills me she has moved on so soon and can literally blank me in the street and I am still suffering. Maybe its karma for what I have done to her I dont know but I fear I will be stuck in this regretful thinking forever.

Would you not do the same in her shoes after someone you loved and trusted for years had sex with someone else completely behind your back? All you can do is realise and own up to how **** you were to her to do this and the consequences that resulted and use it as a lesson to never make the same mistake again if you get lucky enough to find someone suitable. You should always be honest about the fact that you cheated with future partners, by the way. And it hasn't even been a year yet. It may be a few years before you get over it and then begin meeting other people who may suit you. Good luck

Mr. Incognito

You cheated on her.

She took you back.

You got engaged.

You both called it off.

You went off with the same girl you cheated on her with. (That must have really cheered her up)

Then she finally has some happiness and you decide you want her?

Leave her alone- you have caused her enough grief and pain and go get some help.

If you actually loved her you would be happy for her instead of focused on yourself.

FurBabyMomma

You cheated on her then demanded she cut ties with someone she used to date? Unless she was sleeping with him (and you have proof, not just accusations) then you are a controlling cheat and your ex would be out of her mind to stay with you.

dellas1979

I dont think youre going to get a lot of empathy for the situation you put yourself in.

Sounds like a lot of responsibility is still not being owned by yourself.

You caused a huge amount of hurt to this woman. She is entitled to feel how she feels and deal with it how she sees fit.

Its not very decent of you to be angry at her that she has moved or is trying to move on. All she wants at the end of the day like the rest of us is happiness and a good partner.

But you twist it to be about yourself. And how she has wronged you.

I think that would be a good starting point when talking to a councellor.

sexmag

Arrival wrote: »

You should always be honest about the fact that you cheated with future partners, by the way.

I wouldn't agree with this at all.

If he meets someone his past is his past and nobody else's business.

Ok my only advice is that it takes half the Iength of time the relationship lasted to fully get over someone.

Keep doing what you're doing,cut all contact with her for both your sakes and you'll eventually get over her

leggo

If you find that multiple outlets such as counselling etc aren't helping, generally the middle bit that is missing is you taking responsibility for your actions. You say it's your fault but I wonder do you actually understand that or is that just something you said because you knew it'd work in getting her back? Because later when you do stuff like getting with the person you cheated with again, you're very quick to make excuses such as you were lashing out (subtly implying that she was wrong there), as well as holding her head to the fire for not cutting contact with someone she dated. You cheated on her!!!

Either way, she's moved on and is happy and doesn't even want to say hello to you now on the street, so your only option left is to accept it and move on yourself. And the way you do that and don't wake up feeling this way is by accepting that maybe you treated her like dirt (by your own admission, we don't know the specifics) and weren't a good partner, that you have issues you need to work on and that if you don't you'll likely just end up in more toxic relationships that are toxic because you're not taking responsibility for your own actions.

Ten years or not, plans to have kids or not, this is a harsh life lesson that you don't own or control people and they aren't obligated to stay with you no matter how you treat them. They can and will just walk away and leave you on your own and miserable unless you hold up your end of the bargain. You haven't done that here and have felt the consequences. So this is your choice: continue to be stubborn and bitter, not admit you ****ed this up and be miserable...OR accept the fact that you had something and are left with nothing because you didn't treat the thing you had with care and possibly find something else good again in the future by learning from it. Seems like an easy decision to me.

professore

You haven't a hope in hell of getting back with her. I'm surprised she took you back initially. She's probably found a decent guy now and finally woke up.

Everything in your initial post is about how you feel and how you can't see yourself having kids with anyone else. It's all you you you. Nowhere do I see a shred of regret or remorse for the pain you caused her.

I'll do you a favour and save you money on therapy. You cheated because you are a selfish asshole and fancied a ride from another woman who was available and willing - who by the way you are treating terribly stringing her along while you have no interest in her. No other deep reason to do with your mammy not hugging you enough in childhood or some such.

In order to have a healthy relationship with anyone both people's needs need to be taken into account, not one person putting themselves first.

I'm being blunt here because I believe people like you tend to justify their actions and blame everyone else except themselves in these situations. If your girlfriend was a thundering bitch and this other woman was the love of your life I might have some sympathy but not in your case. I hope you can change and improve yourself as you have a lot of introspection to do. Good luck.

sexmag

professore wrote: »

You haven't a hope in hell of getting back with her. I'm surprised she took you back initially. She's probably found a decent guy now and finally woke up.

Everything in your initial post is about how you feel and how you can't see yourself having kids with anyone else. It's all you you you. Nowhere do I see a shred of regret or remorse for the pain you caused her.

I'll do you a favour and save you money on therapy. You cheated because you are a selfish asshole and fancied a ride from another woman who was available and willing - who by the way you are treating terribly stringing her along while you have no interest in her. No other deep reason to do with your mammy not hugging you enough in childhood or some such.

In order to have a healthy relationship with anyone both people's needs need to be taken into account, not one person putting themselves first.

I'm being blunt here because I believe people like you tend to justify their actions and blame everyone else except themselves in these situations. If your girlfriend was a thundering bitch and this other woman was the love of your life I might have some sympathy but not in your case. I hope you can change and improve yourself as you have a lot of introspection to do. Good luck.

This is very harsh

strugglingOverEx wrote: »

looking for some advice on how to move on.

None of what you have said helps him move on but also

strugglingOverEx wrote: »

100% my fault. I cheated and lied to her and treated her pretty bad for a period

OP admitted it was all his fault and has fessed up, his not trying to excuse his actions.

Op ive given my advice a ppst or 2 back,good luck

Senature

You seem to have no respect for this woman at all. You disrespected her during your relationship by cheating, lying and other poor treatment, and while you were trying to get back with her and she said no, you got revenge by having another fling with the woman you had already cheated on her with. Not really the healthy response of someone who seriously wants to get a ltr back together that has suffered as a direct result of cheating. Now that she is in a new relationship, and trying to move on from all the hurt, disappointment etc from her relationship with you, you can't even respect that maybe seeing you brings up a lot of painful memories for her or anger that she would rather not have to deal with in that moment, or she just doesn't want to give someone who treated her so poorly the time of day. If you really think about how much hurt etc you must have caused her, how do you feel so entitled to be offended that she blanked you?
Also, there is no love in your post for her. I don't think you are in love with her, just struggling with things not being how you want them to be. If you repeatedly push someone away they will go, no matter how much they wanted to be with you. Your actions led you to this point, while you say that in your post, it doesn't seem like you really understand it. Keep up the psychotherapy, it's very helpful if you can let it be.

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

OP here. Thanks for all the posts. Just to clear a few things up. I have 100% accepted that this is all my fault. I cheated once on her and owned up to it. I will admit that getting back with the other girl was a ****ty thing to do. I know this. I didnt at the time to be fair but I know that this was just another kick when she was down.

I have huge remorse for what I have done to her. Its not in the post as the post was about how to get over what I have done and try to move on.

I also know that we will never get back together, I am not trying to get back with her I am trying to get over her. We dont have any contact really bar practical things like a letter came or something.

Me asking her to try again happened before she was with anyone serious.

Just on the asking her to stop contact with someone she had dated. We had both been meeting up with other people while we were split. Nothing serious for either of us and we both agreed to cut all ties with them after we got engaged but she had trouble stopping texting one person (not the person she is with now)

I will take on board what people said that she is entitled to do and act like she pleases, including blanking me in the street. I honestly thought that we were on good enough terms that she would say hello or something but a poster said maybe she did it cause she was still hurt and angry which I didnt think of because she has a new partner and was happy. I thought she had moved on. Maybe her moving on includes not wanting to even say hello which while it hurts that I have caused this to happen through my actions I will just have to accept, so thank you for that piece of advice

leggo

But OP, there's a difference between saying "I'm 100% wrong" and actually showing that through your actions.

You were bad to her in your relationship and cheated...you got dumped.
She took you back and you ran into difficulty again and split...so you got with the person you cheated with as a way to hurt her.
You saw her in the street and she blanked you...you got angry at her.

No matter what happens, you're not accepting that she's got her own feelings (based on YOUR actions) and is entitled to feel them. You're not learning here. You're wrong. You had a person that you cared about and you seriously hurt that person. Think about how **** it felt to you when you saw she was texting that other guy, YOU did worse to her! Multiple times!

As someone said, if you actually loved her, you'd see her point-of-view on this and be happy for her finding someone that makes her happy. As it stands, what you're feeling isn't love, it's more like loss of control and a sadness around that. It's a sense of entitlement towards her affection, towards her thoughts and feelings. That's what made you angry. You're a non-factor in her life now and that bothers you, even though that's likely come as a result of your actions.

Letting go of that and actually thinking about how she must feel is what taking responsibility means. Do that. It'll feel like ****, but instead of reacting and doing something erratic to make the situation worse like you've done in the past, feel the bad emotions, ask yourself how it got that way (and this is where counselling can help), and form a plan to never let that stuff happen again so that one day you CAN have a good relationship with someone else.

Colser

You can be damn sure she's still hurt and dramatic as it may sound she will never fully get over the cheating or the fact that you stuck the knife in again when you hooked back up with the other girl so she is probably trying to move on but I'd put money on it that she's still extremely hurt over what was done to her.


You'll have to give yourself time to get over her and learn a lesson from what happened...imo it will always stay with you but you will have to learn to live with it...you've changed her also as she'll probably always have a little doubt about any future partner which is a shame but that's the aftermath of cheating unfortunately.

LegacyUser

Leggo thanks for that. I think you are pretty right when you said me being a non-factor in her life was bothering me. I can tend to find things hard to let go of. Everything was ok until we crossed each others paths. We hadnt seen or spoken in a good few months and I was happy that she was happy. Seeing her brought it all back and shocked me a bit and prob did her too.

What you say about letting myself feel is what I had been doing. The anger I got after passing her in the street wasnt manifested in any way this time and it quickly went away.

Im hoping if I keep doing what I am doing, no contact, keep seeing the counselor and eventually I may be able to move on and start again.

If we cross each others paths in the meantime I will take her lead and do whatever she wants. I dont want to cause her anymore grief. I have to try to start thinking about what she wants and just accept it as thats what is best for her

Mods could we close this and possibly remove the opening post? There is a lot of specific detail in there.

IHeartShoes

I have direct experience of infidelity (long term affair) and I have not nor do I anticipate having even a little doubt about subsequent or future partners as a result. It was specific to that person only and not all men. Just my view, not speaking for anyone else.

Colser wrote: »

You can be damn sure she's still hurt and dramatic as it may sound she will never fully get over the cheating or the fact that you stuck the knife in again when you hooked back up with the other girl so she is probably trying to move on but I'd put money on it that she's still extremely hurt over what was done to her.


You'll have to give yourself time to get over her and learn a lesson from what happened...imo it will always stay with you but you will have to learn to live with it...you've changed her also as she'll probably always have a little doubt about any future partner which is a shame but that's the aftermath of cheating unfortunately.

professore

leggo wrote: »

But OP, there's a difference between saying "I'm 100% wrong" and actually showing that through your actions.

You were bad to her in your relationship and cheated...you got dumped.
She took you back and you ran into difficulty again and split...so you got with the person you cheated with as a way to hurt her.
You saw her in the street and she blanked you...you got angry at her.

No matter what happens, you're not accepting that she's got her own feelings (based on YOUR actions) and is entitled to feel them. You're not learning here. You're wrong. You had a person that you cared about and you seriously hurt that person. Think about how **** it felt to you when you saw she was texting that other guy, YOU did worse to her! Multiple times!

As someone said, if you actually loved her, you'd see her point-of-view on this and be happy for her finding someone that makes her happy. As it stands, what you're feeling isn't love, it's more like loss of control and a sadness around that. It's a sense of entitlement towards her affection, towards her thoughts and feelings. That's what made you angry. You're a non-factor in her life now and that bothers you, even though that's likely come as a result of your actions.

Letting go of that and actually thinking about how she must feel is what taking responsibility means. Do that. It'll feel like ****, but instead of reacting and doing something erratic to make the situation worse like you've done in the past, feel the bad emotions, ask yourself how it got that way (and this is where counselling can help), and form a plan to never let that stuff happen again so that one day you CAN have a good relationship with someone else.

This is great advice OP. Putting yourself in someone else's shoes seems to be something you aren't able to do.

Green&Red

I'd say there are two things

Firstly, how you've treated her, fairly shabbily by the sounds of it. Putting yourself in her shoes
Your BF cheats on you, you forgive him, take him back, ye get engaged and then decide its not to be. He then goes back to that woman.
In the meantime you meet someone else, you get on, you're happy. On a night out you run into him, you're with your new BF, he says hello and then devote your attention to that new BF (and not to the arsehole who cheated on you)

Now imagine you're the new BF, you've heard the stories of her ex-fiance. He's a d**khead, he's treated her like sh*t. You're out for a date and you run into him - imagine she's full of chat for him, hows does that guy feel? What does that do for their new relationship?

So which set of feelings should she prioritise?

COP THE F**K ON



As for moving on, of course you will. Time will heal everything but its less than a year. Ye went out for 10 years, there wouldn't have been a lot to it if you could get over it in a year.

And no harm but you sound like a self-centred pr**k, read your post back, its all about how you feel. Maybe if you thought more about how your actions had affected her when you got back together then you could have worked things out.
And have a think about why you cheated in the first place. Boredom is an easy excuse but people have to make a conscious decision to go out and cheat