How to know if you're ready to start dating

FriendFree93

So I'm single after a long relationship that started when I was a teen. I'm in my early 30s now. We're broke up almost 6 months and I miss the company and the intimacy. However, in my head the thoughts of being intimate with someone new makes me feel ill.

With my ex we had only slept with each other so there was no worries. The idea of meeting a new guy and he's slept with 20+ people kinda disgusts me.
Also, the effort involved in getting to know someone, having to get comfortable, initially hiding insecurities and then having all these firsts etc even though I want to do it my confidence is so low I feel like I'm not arsed.

I'm conflicted because I love being in a relationship but something in my head is stopping me dating. Does this mean I'm not ready or is this the norm?

zapper55

You are not ready. 6 months after a ltr is very short.

Telly

You’re not ready. All these things would feel exciting if you were. You’re going to struggle meeting someone in their 30’s who hasn’t had a few previous partners. Unfortunately quite a few will have some sort of baggage too but not all.

Take your time, there’s no rush and don’t ever feel like you have to settle just cause everyone else is coupled up. Enjoy your time as a singleton

Arrival

I had a 2.5 year long relationship end just under 1 year ago and it's only now that I'm really beginning to come around to the idea of properly dating someone else. So if you think you're going to be ready after a decade long relationship ending only 6 months ago then I'm sorry, you're sorely mistaken. You have a tough road ahead of you but not one that will last forever. Those worries you point out that you have, I had them all too but there will come a point where they fade away. That point is just different for all of us but for sure after the ending of such a long relationship yours may be quite distant.

All you can do for now, and this is the most important thing, is to begin working on yourself and your own happiness. It really is true that you must be happy by yourself before you can really be ready for dating again because otherwise you are going to get hurt a LOT when it comes to dating. Start some new hobbies or interests that you always felt inclined to try but never got around to, do some solo travelling even if it's only to somewhere a short flight away in Europe, get your diet and exercise routine in order to start physically feeling better which will also really help you mentally and emotionally. Just do you, basically. Learn to enjoy your life and eventually you'll find someone new to help you enjoy it even more.

FriendFree93

Arrival wrote: »

I had a 2.5 year long relationship end just under 1 year ago and it's only now that I'm really beginning to come around to the idea of properly dating someone else. So if you think you're going to be ready after a decade long relationship ending only 6 months ago then I'm sorry, you're sorely mistaken. You have a tough road ahead of you but not one that will last forever. Those worries you point out that you have, I had them all too but there will come a point where they fade away. That point is just different for all of us but for sure after the ending of such a long relationship yours may be quite distant.

All you can do for now, and this is the most important thing, is to begin working on yourself and your own happiness. It really is true that you must be happy by yourself before you can really be ready for dating again because otherwise you are going to get hurt a LOT when it comes to dating. Start some new hobbies or interests that you always felt inclined to try but never got around to, do some solo travelling even if it's only to somewhere a short flight away in Europe, get your diet and exercise routine in order to start physically feeling better which will also really help you mentally and emotionally. Just do you, basically. Learn to enjoy your life and eventually you'll find someone new to help you enjoy it even more.

Those are all things I've been doing. Taken up new hobbies, I always travelled a lot solo anyway. But I really miss the companionship.
I'm afraid that I'm panicking to meet someone now because I thought id be married and settled by now and I'm not

LegacyUser

I practically could have written the exact same post as you OP...just a few months out of a relationship which was over a decade long as well. .For me I get spurts of being intrigued at the fact i have somewhat of a new beginning ahead with someone new, followed by spurts of being distraught at the thought of having to put myself out there again into the dating world, a place thats totally alien to me. Like me i think you need to build back up your confidence and self esteem a bit more before dating....so that you don't take any initial dating fails/letdowns etc too badly or personally. I guess i don't really have any helpful advice to give but rather reassurance that you're not alone feeling confused or stuck in this predictament. Take time to heal and remember good things come to those who wait x

.......

It doesnt sound like youre ready.

Im not sure why someones previous sex life would disgust you?

Would you think it was ok if a virgin or religious person was disgusted by YOU because you slept with someone since your teens and wasnt married?

When you do feel ready to date people you will probably get quite a shock if you are disgusted by the fact that people will have slept with other people. Especially people in their 30s. 20 people isnt even that many for someone in their 30s to have slept with.

What if you met someone who had only slept with one other person too but had had a lot of kinky sex with that person? BDSM, anal, toys, threesomes etc?

Sex isnt disgusting, its a natural and normal thing to do. You could probably do with speaking to a professional if you have hang ups about people having sex.

FriendFree93

....... wrote: »

It doesnt sound like youre ready.

Im not sure why someones previous sex life would disgust you?

Would you think it was ok if a virgin or religious person was disgusted by YOU because you slept with someone since your teens and wasnt married?

When you do feel ready to date people you will probably get quite a shock if you are disgusted by the fact that people will have slept with other people. Especially people in their 30s. 20 people isnt even that many for someone in their 30s to have slept with.

What if you met someone who had only slept with one other person too but had had a lot of kinky sex with that person? BDSM, anal, toys, threesomes etc?

Sex isnt disgusting, its a natural and normal thing to do. You could probably do with speaking to a professional if you have hang ups about people having sex.

You are over analysing what I said. It's not the act of sex that disgusts me it's that romantic sense of "we only had each other" being gone that disgusts me.
I loved that me and my ex had only ever had each other. There was never any worries of diseases. Yes that possibility disgusts me but not the actual sex part. It's the added worry of "are they healthy" etc

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FriendFree93 wrote: »

You are over analysing what I said. It's not the act of sex that disgusts me it's that romantic sense of "we only had each other" being gone that disgusts me.
I loved that me and my ex had only ever had each other. There was never any worries of diseases. Yes that possibility disgusts me but not the actual sex part. It's the added worry of "are they healthy" etc

Maybe itd still be good for you to talk to someone because in your 30s you are unlikely to meet someone who hasnt got a past. You dont want to be trying to meet people and feeling disgusted right? So talk it out with a professional. Itll help bring you to acceptance and allow you to move on.

You can have safe sex without worrying about diseases. I wouldnt say most people of your age feel that sex has an added worry of "are they healthy". Most people in their 30s who are not in long term relationships are having tests from time to time to ensure all is good in the area of sexual health. Particularly in the example you give of someone having had 20 different partners - I would be wary if someone who had 20 partners had never been tested. Unless you plan on having multiple unprotected one night stands then I think you can probably relax worrying about diseases.

woodchuck

OP you don't sound ready at all. I think you'll know you're ready when the idea of dating sounds like fun as opposed to a chore!

Would you consider getting counselling? Breaking up after that length of time is tough, so it couldn't hurt to talk things through and maybe address any mental roadblocks you've built up around new relationships (e.g. about other peoples sexual history).

FriendFree93

....... wrote: »

Maybe itd still be good for you to talk to someone because in your 30s you are unlikely to meet someone who hasnt got a past. You dont want to be trying to meet people and feeling disgusted right? So talk it out with a professional. Itll help bring you to acceptance and allow you to move on.

You can have safe sex without worrying about diseases. I wouldnt say most people of your age feel that sex has an added worry of "are they healthy". Most people in their 30s who are not in long term relationships are having tests from time to time to ensure all is good in the area of sexual health. Particularly in the example you give of someone having had 20 different partners - I would be wary if someone who had 20 partners had never been tested. Unless you plan on having multiple unprotected one night stands then I think you can probably relax worrying about diseases.

I can honestly say I don't know anyone who has been tested. I've a number of friends who had multiple partners and they've never been tested. I'm sure people don't talk about it but my friends would.

I'm not looking for someone who has never had sex either. It's the romantic-ness that came with us being only with each other now being gone that I feel as about.

FriendFree93

woodchuck wrote: »

OP you don't sound ready at all. I think you'll know you're ready when the idea of dating sounds like fun as opposed to a chore!

Would you consider getting counselling? Breaking up after that length of time is tough, so it couldn't hurt to talk things through and maybe address any mental roadblocks you've built up around new relationships (e.g. about other peoples sexual history).

Yeah I was seeing a counsellor for a while which was helpful but now that I'm out in the singles world again I'm feeling a little lost. I've joined groups, I socialise I've never had much luck with men. I can honestly say in my 34 years on this planet i can count on one hand how many times a guy has chatted me up. That's probably why j was so happy iny relationship I felt content and I'm I feel the opposite

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FriendFree93 wrote: »

I can honestly say I don't know anyone who has been tested. I've a number of friends who had multiple partners and they've never been tested. I'm sure people don't talk about it but my friends would.

Oh its a normal thing among people I know. I actually thought it had become more normalised in the past decade too as GPs now have "sexual health testing" listed up front on the price list (it used to not be listed and youd creep in and ask the GP to use a fake name to test you because there was a rumour/urban myth that getting tested for HIV would affect insurance policies for the rest of your life ). Anyway, if youve had multiple partners, you should get tested every so often. Who does and who doesnt is largely irrelevant - its the smart thing to do.

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I'm not looking for someone who has never had sex either. It's the romantic-ness that came with us being only with each other now being gone that I feel as about.

It might help for you to talk that out with someone. Most people make that realisation in their late teens or early 20s. You have only had to face it now - in your 30s. Its a nice rose tinted view of romantic love - but its not that realistic. Incidentally I know 2 women who married their first loves and were never with anyone else and both now regret that they didnt experience sex and relationships with other people before they settled down. Neither want to break up or anything, they just feel they missed out.

Personally Id hate to have only ever been with one person. I only figured out what I liked in a relationship (sexually and emotionally) by having a few different relationships and some casual sexual encounters. I was very self conscious in my youth and really only got comfortable with myself in my 30s - if Id stayed with the first boyfriend I ever had I would be very unhappy today!!

power pants

FriendFree93 wrote: »

You are over analysing what I said. It's not the act of sex that disgusts me it's that romantic sense of "we only had each other" being gone that disgusts me.
I loved that me and my ex had only ever had each other. There was never any worries of diseases. Yes that possibility disgusts me but not the actual sex part. It's the added worry of "are they healthy" etc

He might have cheated on you so there is always a risk of disease. Chances are probably high that he has had sex with someone other than you in those 10 years

FriendFree93

power pants wrote: »

He might have cheated on you so there is always a risk of disease. Chances are probably high that he has had sex with someone other than you in those 10 years

Wow. Unnecessary

power pants

Didn’t mean to come across as harsh as that. Just trying to point out that can never know for fact someone has only ever had sex with one person no matter how much you believe

But apologies if came across cold

FriendFree93

power pants wrote: »

Didn’t mean to come across as harsh as that. Just trying to point out that can never know for fact someone has only ever had sex with one person no matter how much you believe

But apologies if came across cold

No you can't but after 15 years I don't want to start assuming it was all a waste after all those wonderful years together.

ginandtonicsky

6 months is no time to figure things out and get over your ex and be ready for dating again, especially when it was such a long relationship. You clearly haven't gotten comfortable being single as an adult and that's a pretty important part of healing and moving on from a relationship. Learning to stand on your own two feet.

Loneliness is the absolute worst reason to date and get into a relationship with someone new too. I know it's tough, but it's a fundamental part of the human condition. We all get lonely, even and sometimes especially those who are in relationships and marriages. It is absolutely possible to sit with that loneliness though, particularly when you have a lot of issues to sort through to truly be comfortable and confident in yourself.

You are an anomaly to be single in your 30s and to only ever have had sex with one partner. Most people at this age single or otherwise have racked up a number of relationships and casual scenarios, so finding your equivalent is going to be everything from highly unlikely to impossible. The best sexual partners I've had are guys who had varied sexual experience and had really learned about what it takes to satisfy a woman, open-minded blokes who truly loved sex and the female form and had expressed that throughout their lives before me. So I'd view sexual experience as a really positive part of the package with someone new - thank god he's had other women show him how to do it and be really good at it before me :pac:

I do agree with others who have suggested counselling - there's a lot of ideas that could be holding you back here, such as your views on sex and your lack of confidence in meeting someone new. Guys don't proactively approach me in my life either - Irish guys really aren't all about this! But I've been single long enough throughout my life to recognise the subtle signs of attraction and to know when someone might be interested and to meet them half way.

Mr. Incognito

FriendFree93 wrote: »

No you can't but after 15 years I don't want to start assuming it was all a waste after all those wonderful years together.

Clearly you are not ready and you are looking at your previous relationship as some sort of ideal.

It wasnt if you broke up. You need to accept that first.

FriendFree93

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

6 months is no time to figure things out and get over your ex and be ready for dating again, especially when it was such a long relationship. You clearly haven't gotten comfortable being single as an adult and that's a pretty important part of healing and moving on from a relationship. Learning to stand on your own two feet.

Loneliness is the absolute worst reason to date and get into a relationship with someone new too. I know it's tough, but it's a fundamental part of the human condition. We all get lonely, even and sometimes especially those who are in relationships and marriages. It is absolutely possible to sit with that loneliness though, particularly when you have a lot of issues to sort through to truly be comfortable and confident in yourself.

You are an anomaly to be single in your 30s and to only ever have had sex with one partner. Most people at this age single or otherwise have racked up a number of relationships and casual scenarios, so finding your equivalent is going to be everything from highly unlikely to impossible. The best sexual partners I've had are guys who had varied sexual experience and had really learned about what it takes to satisfy a woman, open-minded blokes who truly loved sex and the female form and had expressed that throughout their lives before me. So I'd view sexual experience as a really positive part of the package with someone new - thank god he's had other woman show him how to do it and be really good at it before me :pac:

I do agree with others who have suggested counselling - there's a lot of ideas that could be holding you back here, such as your views on sex and your lack of confidence in meeting someone new. Guys don't proactively approach me in my life either - Irish guys really aren't all about this! But I've been single long enough throughout my life to recognise the subtle signs of attraction and to know when someone might be interested and to meet them half way.

Thanks for that post. Appreciate it. I definitely agree with the idea of a man with more experience. I think it's all probably a panic thing for me because I don't get attention off men therefore I feel I need to start looking now. Stupid I know. I'm fine being alone. I've been dealing better than I thought I would the last 6 months.

someyoke

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I do agree with others who have suggested counselling - there's a lot of ideas that could be holding you back here, such as your views on sex and your lack of confidence in meeting someone new. Guys don't proactively approach me in my life either - Irish guys really aren't all about this! But I've been single long enough throughout my life to recognise the subtle signs of attraction and to know when someone might be interested and to meet them half way.

Speaking as an Irish guy they do approach on nights out, but failure is more likely than not due to a friendly rejection, female friend sabotage (most common) or another self perceived alpha male bursting in on the scene basically making a mess of any rapport that might be building. Also less rarely a cold dismissal.

This wears you down eventually and will result in less strenuous efforts to approach.
Do consider this if you're not getting approached. Whoa how about the novel idea of making the first move?
Food for thought op when you feel serious about dating again OP

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FriendFree93 wrote: »

I think it's all probably a panic thing for me because I don't get attention off men therefore I feel I need to start looking now.

Youve been in a relationship for years and years and have probably adopted "dont approach me" vibes when you are out socially (just because thats what youre used to).

In addition to that, the pool of "available" men to chat you up is probably lower now than it was a decade ago. But theyre still out there, so maybe you could take the plunge and go approach some likely looking men yourself? (when you are ready obviously!).

Westernyelp

power pants wrote:

He might have cheated on you so there is always a risk of disease. Chances are probably high that he has had sex with someone other than you in those 10 years

You can not possibly know that. Stop projecting

FriendFree93

....... wrote: »

Youve been in a relationship for years and years and have probably adopted "dont approach me" vibes when you are out socially (just because thats what youre used to).

In addition to that, the pool of "available" men to chat you up is probably lower now than it was a decade ago. But theyre still out there, so maybe you could take the plunge and go approach some likely looking men yourself? (when you are ready obviously!).

That's a good point. And I think without sounding vain like I'm more of a catch now. While still lacking confidence in areas I feel I have more to offer and dress better etc. I'm confident in my personality and know what I'm about even though I might lack confidence physically.

FriendFree93

Westernyelp wrote: »

You can not possibly know that. Stop projecting

Thanks X

My ex and I could of broke up for many reasons, he could of died for god sake I hate comments like that

woodchuck

FriendFree93 wrote: »

Thanks X

My ex and I could of broke up for many reasons, he could of died for god sake I hate comments like that

Even still, don't be surprised if any future partners ask you to get tested. And likewise, you should probably ask them. It just makes sense for anyone who has had previous partners.

Is it romantic? No. But it's the reality of the world we live in.

.......

FriendFree93 wrote: »

That's a good point. And I think without sounding vain like I'm more of a catch now. While still lacking confidence in areas I feel I have more to offer and dress better etc. I'm confident in my personality and know what I'm about even though I might lack confidence physically.

Exactly, you just need a bit of practice at the "come hither" vibes