Which girl do I chose to go on with ?

CandyButcher

I am now facing the hardest decision of my life and it is killing me either way

I have been with a beautiful stunning girl for 10 years since we were teenagers and loved each other like nothing else. the past few years we have become very bad for each other.. jealous controlling all that bad stuff and now I'm finally able to see it for what it is.

While we have been on a break for the past year I have met another girl, although I don't find her as attractive as my ex, personality wise she has just blown me away. I think she's amazing! She makes me laugh, we talk for hours we interest each other and really stimulate each other. She is also mad about me and has such a good heart really future wife material.

My ex wants to get back with me now and I don't know what to do. I just find It so difficult to let go of ten years and cannot bear the thought of another man having her right now and scared to think if I ever realize I made the wrong choice she would be gone.

The facts are me an my ex have met a few times now to see if its worth trying again.. I don't think we make each other laugh as much as before and I do prefer hanging out with the other girl as we spend hours talking and laughing. It would kill me if my ex moved on anytime soon yet I don't think it would bother me much if this new girl in my life moved on. (Are things only this good because its new?) the first year with my ex was probably the same lots of talking and laughter.. but now ten yrs later its just not the same we don't delve in to each others lives with interest.

I'm really confused and cant concentrate on anything else and don't want to drag this out. Id appreciate any opinion at all here I'm lost.. either way someone's gonna get hurt and ill always miss that person it sucks!

Mr. Incognito

Dont date either?

Take a break mentally for a while from dating. You sound like you need it

CandyButcher

I cant. I get really lonely I don't have much family etc so having someone is a lot to me, and they are two special girls to let both go.

alibab

Leave them both go . Neither is the answer . You are not ready to date anyone and despite being a year apart from your ex and with someone else you are showing very controlling behavior towards her . You don’t want her but yet are not happy for anyone else to be with her but yet it’s ok for you to be carrying on another relationship. Let both girls go .

Chancer3001

You've got issues that need sorting our first.

You should be able to manage being single easily.

Relationships are very very hard. Even with "the one "

So if you go in thinking She s a bit nuts. Or She s not pretty enough then you're screwed and tbh it's not fair on either girl.

Wait for one that blows you away on all counts

Dial Hard

CandyButcher wrote:

I cant. I get really lonely.

This is quite literally the worst reason ever to stay with either of them, or anyone else for that matter. Until you can be happy on your own you will never, ever be happy with anyone else.

It's a cliche, yes, but like most cliches, it's true. That's why they're cliches.

blairbear

OP, what you've done there is draw up a flowery version of a Pros and Cons list for each woman. One is prettier! But the other is funnier! I know my ex for ten years! But I have more fun with the new girl!

For all of the chat about your heart wrenching decision, references to the two girls seem depersonalised and your approach to this quite selfish.

It isn't like buying a car. You cannot substitute one for the other on foot of a discussion in a relationships forum.

You should "choose" neither. The fact that there even IS a choice for you means you are not ready for either relationship. You would know if this was right for you either way, and I fear you will end up hurting the woman you decide to be with as well as the one you don't.

Citing potential loneliness is no reason to shoehorn yourself into a relationship. It is utterly self absorbed. Get a cat. Do volunteer work. Join a sportsclub. Anything. These are real people you are involving here. They deserve a man who sees them as his only option, and not have to be grateful when he deigns to "pick" her.

Ursus Horribilis

In hindsight, getting involved with your ex so young was a very bad thing for you as an individual. It probably stopped you from developing friendships, hobbies and interests and a life for yourself that didn't revolve around being with her. I think you badly need to spend time as a single man, learn how to be lonely and to deal with it and to round yourself out as an individual. I don't think you should date either of them because you're using them to hide from your own inadequacies.

LegacyUser

CandyButcher wrote: »

I cant. I get really lonely I don't have much family etc so having someone is a lot to me, and they are two special girls to let both go.

So you want to be with them so you won't be lonely? That's super healthy!

Seriously OP it sounds like you need a break from dating so you can learn to spend time by yourself without being lonely. It's not healthy to obese like this over anyone. Talking about how you can't stand the idea of another man being with your EX, she's not a thing you own, she's a person!

rainbowtrout

CandyButcher wrote: »

While we have been on a break for the past year I have met another girl,

Sounds like more than a break if it's been a year to be honest.

CandyButcher wrote: »

My ex wants to get back with me now and I don't know what to do. I just find It so difficult to let go of ten years and cannot bear the thought of another man having her right now and scared to think if I ever realize I made the wrong choice she would be gone.

So you've been fine about not being with your ex for the past year, and you've been with this other girl, but you don't want your ex to be with anyone else?

CandyButcher wrote: »

It would kill me if my ex moved on anytime soon yet I don't think it would bother me much if this new girl in my life moved on.

All sounds a bit nasty and controlling. You have clearly been able to move on over the last year with this other girl, but if there's a chance that your ex moves on, no we can't have that. You should probably let both girls go and sort out your control issues.

Idle Passerby

CandyButcher wrote: »

I cant. I get really lonely I don't have much family etc so having someone is a lot to me, and they are two special girls to let both go.

This is incredibly selfish. You are with a girl who you say is nuts about you, yet your carrying on behind her back, meeting up with your ex to talk about getting back together.

Your treating your current girlfriend as a runner up prize. Its so disrespectful to string someone along just becasue you are afraid to be on your own. But being on your own is exactly what you need at the moment.

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Katgurl

I feel very sorry for your current girlfriend. You are meeting up with your ex presumably behind her back and comparing who is more attractive etc. Finish with her, she deserves better than to be used as a balm to your fear of being alone.

Get back with your ex if you like but it won't work out. You're still as controlling as ever if you can't see how your words about not letting another have her are anything to go by. And if she knows you're with someone and that's why she is chasing you then she's as bad. You sound well matched in that regard.

Honestly cut your girlfriend free. She is the innocent party here.

FurBabyMomma

Every single person on this thread is unanimous in their analysis of the situation. Yet I get the feeling this very good advice will be ignored.

OP, what have you done to address the issues that caused your relationship with your ex to become toxic, jealous and controlling? Have you spoken to a counsellor to learn more healthy and adult techniques to deal with your feelings? Because if not, you will revert to this behaviour again no matter which girl you end up with. So like other people have suggested, you really need to do some work on yourself before you go back into another long term relationship, for everyone's sake.

LolaJJ

You just don't sound emotionally mature or secure enough to be in a relationship with anyone.

Your relationship went toxic with girlfriend number 1 - probably for these reasons

Your relationship with girlfriend number 2 - is a complete farce seeing as you are already making judgments on her looks and comparisons to girlfriend number 1 and thinking of cutting her loose - despite the kind heart and great friendship.

Your post is incredibly selfish, the only person you are taking in to consideration is yourself and what you want and what you need.

Maybe if you step back and look at the package that you are offering these girls - you might realise that they actually deserve more or better.

Take a break from dating, develop yourself, find some hobbies, some friends with common interests, fill your life with things that aren't related to romantic relationships and stop messing other people around.

HalloweenJack

OP, I was in a somewhat similar relationship with my long-term ex. We started out very young but as we got older, it fell apart. We gave it another go several more times but it just couldn't work. I reckon there was a part of us that had believed it would last forever and that's why we kept trying at it even though most people could see we were terrible for each other. Similarly, I went through a phase of the controlling jealousy mentioned here and it wasn't healthy. Even though I was with other girls and had other girlfriends, I was still obsessed with her and, at the back of my mind, always thought I'd end up with her, even though I knew I didn't want that.

Eventually, I grew up and realised it was never going to work and I cut her out of my life. It was the best thing I ever did. Having her around in some capacity, whether it was a "friend" or whatever, was just doing us both more damage. I didn't properly get over the relationship 'til I stopped talking to her and after that I was able to get on and meet other people.

FWIW, and as others have mentioned, you do need to be comfortable with yourself first. The idea of not being able to be alone is nonsense. It's difficult but it can and should be done. I reckon you need to get to grips with this first before thinking about being in a relationship. You have to be ready for a relationship. You have to go into a relationship knowing that it's going to be ok if it doesn't work out. You seem to want relationships for the sake of not being alone> that's a terrible reason for a relationship.

professore

CandyButcher wrote: »

I cant. I get really lonely I don't have much family etc so having someone is a lot to me, and they are two special girls to let both go.

Try being stuck in an unhappy marriage. Then you'll get the real meaning of lonely.

professore

If its any help, crazy hot girl who is no craic whatsoever - this is one night stand material, not wife material. The other girl sounds lovely. Looks are wildly overrated and tend to attract lots of the wrong sort of guys hitting on your already crazy girlfriend... See where this is going?

Edit: Re reading it sounds like your ex is perfectly fine, but it seems your relationship has just run its course - your gut is telling you this. It's hard to say without knowing what the jealousy issues were though - without more detail on that it is hard to make a call on it. Who decided you should go on a break - this is key info.

Looks also fade very fast. How did you stick 10 years with a girl you were only physically attracted to? I know many men like this but I'm not one of them.

Colonel_McCoy

Ex is an ex for a reason. There is no future in the past.

If you are comparing new potential gfs to your ex then you are not ready for a relationship

hobie21

Try dating both for a while until it becomes obvious who the winner is.

woodchuck

If you're trying to choose between 2 people, neither of them are the one for you...