Parents very dependent on me, what to do?

LegacyUser

Hi all, I know this is a bit long winded, but I would be very grateful to get your opinions and perhaps some fresh perspective on things.

To cut a long story short, I'm 27. Graduated with a Masters Degree almost two years ago, but frustratingly, I'm struggling to find work within a reasonable distance of where I live.

I live at home with my parents (always have), who I get on with well. The problem is, they don't really get on, though in saying that, it is always my father who tends to have a go at my mam over the least little thing, and I often have to step in to defend her, and make sure shes not being shouted at. Its always been this way.
In fairness, they have always been very generous to me with gifts, supporting me through college etc., though I suspect this was more to keep me under the thumb.

I have one sister, who left home as soon as she got the chance, though now she has two kids, and uses my parents day in day out to child mind or bail her out of whatever mess she creates. She too, loves to manipulate/ fight/ shout at our mother to get her own way, and is extremely good at twisting things to her own narrative.

Having said that, I get on really well with parents, and try to help them out as much as I can with maintenance/ upkeep etc., and I try to keep things in balance for them as they health problems, though nothing extremely serious.

I really feel like life is passing me by, and that maybe I need to chase opportunities elsewhere, move out and try and build my own life or follow my dreams so to speak. Though I know from past experiences, when I'm away for more than a week, things just fall apart. I've lived a relatively restricted life, and regularly foregone opportunities to go out, travel, have girlfriends or even go to friends houses when I was younger, so as not to upset things or create conflict between my parents.

My biggest concern is my mother. In the past, if I joked about moving away, she would say to me something like 'oh, you wouldn't do that to me, leaving me with them' and she often said in the past that it was only me that was keeping her going (she has a history of depression). Having said that, she is one of the most kindest and generous people I have ever known.

I am so conflicted about it all. I dream of having a career, family etc. but I know its not going to happen if I leave things as they are. It is just sucking the energy and life out of me. Change is needed, but I just don't know what to do with my conscience.

Thanks for reading.

lulu1

Look further afield for a job that suits you and move out even if its only a few miles away, at 27 you need your own space. .
I really think it's very unfair of your mum to try and keep you tied to your home she should want to to go out and mix with people your own age .
Since your only 27 your parents cant be elderly

fineso.mom

OP its commendable that you care about your parents but its not your job to be a referee between them and keep the peace. Thats not fair. You have a life to live and big world out there to explore. Why waste all those years of study to get a degree and masters, only to spend your time at home .
Your parents cant be that old, 50s 60s? They are adults and if they are not happy its up to them to sort it out. I think its very wrong of your mother to lay a guilt trip on you like that about leaving her.
Im divorced for years and last week my youngest son (his older siblings have moved away), told me he probably wouldnt work in another country when hes older because then Id be all alone. I soon put him straight and told him I didnt have children just so I wouldnt be alone when Im older! And that I cant wait for him to go off and see the world.
Seriously OP , its your life, go do something with it. You can come home and visit , they can come to you and maybe at some stage you will come back and live nearby. But you need to be a bit less concerned with how two grown ups will cope without you and more concerned with the life you want for yourself.

professore

A neighbour of mine from my home village is 48 this year. He stayed at home with his parents. He's still there and cuts a very despondent figure. He doesn't have any friends and hardly leaves the house. He's never been out of ireland. He is definitely severely depressed and I look at him and think anything is better than the life he has. He's institutionalised.

You need to leave now before this happens to you. And there's a strong chance your mum isn't as innocent as you think and is emotionally manipulating you. If she really loved you she would encourage you to leave. Keeping you at home is selfish.

Also you being there gives her the opportunity to play the victim and never grow a pair and tell your dad and your sister where to go. You know like be an adult.

I have a 20 year old daughter I am very close to but would never do this to her. In fact she's already moved out last year.

Addle

Just leave OP. They'll be grand.
It's not like you'll never visit.
And your sister can visit.
Your folks are dependent on you because you allow them to be.
It's only going to seem harder and harder to leave.

milli milli

OP can you encourage your mum to go to assertiveness classes (not sure if they do them anymore, or something to that effect). Also encourage her to join classes/groups and make a life for herself.
It’s not fair of her to rely on you. But I understand how you would feel somewhat responsible for her and it’s lovely that you care so much about her.

It’s very unfair and selfish to have children just so you won’t be lonely.
But some people just follow a script (get married, have kids) without really thinking about it. A baby will eventually grow into an autonomous adult.
Your mum probably means well and loves you, but people have to let their kids go (as hard and heartbreaking as I’m sure that must be).
If she has a bit of a life for herself and some skills to stand up for herself, then the transition of you moving out will be that much smoother.

LegacyUser

OP you sound like a caring and considerate person who has worked hard to get their masters so well done. But I think that you staying at home is not helping anyone. It sounds like your mother is using you as a crutch against your father. The fact you continue stay at home and to play peacemaker is just further enabling this. They are both adults with no serious health problems, and it is for them to work our any issues they might have together. Sometimes things need to fall apart for a bit to break old habits and change is often difficult for everyone.

You said it feels like life is passing you by - let me tell you it is. Your 20's should be a time of exploration, to try new things, to meet people, to travel, and to start your own path in life. That doesn't mean you have to abandon your home but part of growing up is redefining your relationship with your parents. You have to move out and do what is right for you, even if that means taking a job further afield. Your perspective will change overnight once you are out on your own.

Make your move now. You do not want to grow to resent your parents . The only person stopping you living your life is you. I wish you all the best.

Emme

OP as long as you stick around to pick up the pieces your mother won't bother to do anything to help herself. Why should she when you're giving up your life to do it for her.

Make a decision to strike out for yourself. The further you go away to do it the better. Your mother may not like it and may even get sick and end up in hospital. But you must stick to your guns and get a life for yourself. Otherwise things will not change for anyone.

There is help out there for your mother but she has to want to get it. There are resources such as Women's Aid and information on narcissistic/dysfunctional families are more accessible than ever now thanks to the internet. You need to stop out of the role of rescuer, take care of yourself and let others do things for themselves.

Ghekko

Start looking for jobs elsewhere. Its time you moved on with living your own life and stop worrying about the life your parents created for themselves. Milli milli has given good suggestion with regard to classes/groups. There may be an active retirement group, ICA group, crochet or craft group locally that she could join and at least it would get her out of the house and help her find some friends.

As for your father and sister, pull them up on their behaviour. Tell them to stop treating your mother like a doormat. Encourage your mother to stand up for herself. There is only so much you can do and the rest is up to her. But don't stay living with your parents while you could be having such a wonderfully fulfilled life elsewhere.

Rubberchikken

Your not responsible for your parents. Yes its harsh and yes its hard to break away but unless you want to be 40/50/60 unattached and still there refereeing them then you have to begin making decisions.
They gave you life. Healthy parents will be happy to see their kid move on.

Purple Mountain

Hi OP.

Just to start by saying you sound like a great and kind young man.
Those are lovely qualities and especially ones a potential partner would look for so if you're hoping to find love, you should have a huge advantage being this kind of person.
I agree wholeheartedly with what everyone else has said above about moving out and moving on/they're not your responsibility etc but I'll also give you another perspective.
You obviously have ambition if you studied and have had jobs in the past.
You know you are being held back work wise by where you live.
Time really does pass fast and a year can zip by and you've marked off another year on unemployment.
The longer you stay 'stuck' where you are, the more of your employment skills you lose. CV gaps can cause future problems and you start to lose your confidence. You're also not out networking and meeting other people who could point you in the direction of work.
My advice is. Pick a big town where you could afford a house share with people your own age.
Pick a few businesses that you think YOU would like to work for. Get someone to help you with your CV and sales pitch to go and speak with HR managers.
Even if you start off on the bottom rung on the ladder, if you're in a business you like or have a great interest in, a few years grafting could see you move on.
When you get your job offer, be confident and tell your parents and sister you're moving to a house share for work but you'll be home every few weekends for home cooking.
Don't apologise. Don't over explain.
You're an adult. Live your life.

LegacyUser

Am posting anonymously on this one as it's quite personal. OP, there is some great advice in the replies you have had so far. Do take heed of Professore's warning, I know two lovely kindhearted people who have ended up orbiting their parents' lives rather than living their own. You are still in your twenties, you do not want to be in your fifties, looking back and thinking of all the life experiences you missed.

I could easily have fallen into a similar trap, my father is a difficult individual and when he is unhappy my mother always got the worst of it. Nothing physical, but moodiness, slamming around, raised voices etc. My mother put up with far too much because she didn't want to have "fighting in the house" when we were children. I spent years as a young adult trying to make it easier for my mother and feeling I couldn't abandon her.

It is easy to say "just leave" if you have never been caught in that family dynamic. None of my siblings were susceptible in the same way. If you genuinely feel as though you are throwing your mother under a bus it can be virtually impossible to "just leave". At one point the skin was falling off my hands in a kind of stress reaction when things were bad between my parents.

At that point I started seeing a psychotherapist and it is the best money I ever spent. I finally managed to gain a healthy level of emotional distance from my parents and to understand at a deep level that they have to own their own relationship. There is nothing you can do to alter their dynamic no matter how much you want to. I needed professional help to really get this, not just intellectually but at a gut level.

By all means, stand up for your mother if your Dad or sibling is shouting at her, definitely encourage her to develop her own interests and assertiveness, but who is looking after your interests here? Who is taking care of you? Find a GOOD counsellor or psychotherapist and work towards really believing that it is OK to look after your own needs and dreams. A quote my own therapist used at one point was "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one, wild, precious life?" Good luck.

Purple Mountain

^^^^ I meant to add something similar in my post about finding a therapist.
I gather you are not working at the moment so you may be entitled to source free counselling. Please explore this option.

LegacyUser

OP here,

I'm really touched by all the responses. In honesty, I was half expecting to get roasted. But I think even just getting it off my chest in itself was helpful.

It's a right old mess and of course, aside from everything else, I'm riddled with anxiety about making such a massive change, as my confidence is nowhere near where it used to be.

@Please_Seize_the_Day - I think you've pretty much summed it up. It's heartening to know that someone else has been in this situation, and became the better of it.

Re: Counseling, I hadn't really given it much thought until now, I might look into it.

Thanks again for the responses. You don't know how much they help.

SirChenjin

You sound like a really caring and decent person.
I won't add any further to the advice given. I will say that we get one shot at this life and you deserve yours as much as every other person.

It will take time to break ingrained habits. That is where I believe counselling could help.

All the best.