Sexually confused

LegacyUser · 06-08-2018 3:01pm #1

Hi All,

Please read with an open mind

I am a 36 year old woman with 2 children. I am not with their father but have a good relationship with him.
I am in a Relationship with a wonderful man for the last 4 years.It is long distance but we work hard at it and recently we have discussed and even started to make plans to move in together,aiming for next year.
The thing is I have always had feelings for women , I have always admired and been attracted to the female body for many years now. I became aware of it more when my marriage ended.
I went into my now relationship with an open heart and was totally honest with my partner.
We discussed a threesome, but the more i thought about it, i don't want him to be a part of it, its part of my journey, and to be honest i would not want to see him with another woman, judge and comment if you will but it's just how I feel.He would even say i am more Pansexual than bisexual. He has had many sexual partners and has satisfied many of his sexual fantasies including a threesome with one of his ex lovers.
He feels content and our sex life is more than enough for him. He is honest with me and tells me that he looks at other women and can find them attractive but that he wouldn't act on it, as he is happy with us. He has even said he has prepared himself for the day I tell him that I have been with another woman. Like I said we have discussed my sexual needs and we both agree that we meet too soon for me because it was my time to explore, we fell in love and so it is, our relationship is great but i am feeling somewhat trapped in my own head with my need to have a sexual experience with a woman.
I am feeling confined and frustrated in my life as being a mother, being an active member in my community and being a partner and suppressing my need to explore and get to know myself better. where can i go from my set up good role model lifestyle to find myself? A big question i guess??
How do I remove myself from preying eyes ? I am in such turmoil over this? I wish I had explored when i was younger in college but i came from a conservative rural background and I soon became pregnant and married at a young age.
I feel like i am too old now, will any woman find me attractive ? I am lacking confidence in my ability to allow myself to be a sexual being.

By acting on this will I jeopardize my wonderful relationship with my OH. And If i don't will I always feel incomplete ?

What are your thoughts ? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I appreciate all your non judgmental opinions.

s7ryf3925pivug · 06-08-2018 5:28pm

Doesn't sound like he's happy with the idea of you going with a woman without him. Sounds like he is just bracing himself for it. You sound like you aren't open to involving him in anything. So yeah it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

Never understand when people describe this sort of stuff as being confused. All sounds pretty straightforward.

Anyway you have three options:
Forget meeting a woman
End your relationship
Look for a way of involving your partner that you're both happy with.

Sardonicat · 06-08-2018 5:50pm

You don't sound at all confused to me. You are well aware and have been for a long time that you attracted sexually to both men and women.
Now you want to have sex with a woman but you're in a relationship with a man.
So, you can either cheat on your partner or end the relationship and "explore " (not sure what you mean by that) as a single woman.

Sleeping with a woman behind his back is as much cheating as it would be if you slept with a man. You don't get a special pass because you're bisexual ( I'm saying this as someone who identifies as such )

I'm committed to my partner and wouldn't dream of doing the dirt on him. I'm not being deprived of something essential because I'm only having sex with a man.

If it means that much to you then break up and find yourself a woman but remember when you're with her you won't be having sex with a man. Will you just be reversing your current situation then? Pining to "explore " that side of you?

wiggle16 · 06-08-2018 6:52pm

You don't sound confused at all.

- You know you like women. You want to have sex with women.
- Your partner has offered you that option in terms of a threesome. You turned it down, you don't want him involved.

So you want to have sex with someone else, by yourself.

The fact that it's a woman is irrelevant. If you just wanted to explore that side of yourself, and your partner offered to explore it with you in the threesome, that should be enough. This is not about exploring your sexuality, it's about not being satisfied with what you have. You are not confused, and it is disingenuous to say that you are sexually confused, as if that is the issue, when it isn't and you aren't.

To get a taste of that, reread your post, OP, but replace every instance of "woman" with "man". You are in a relationship, but want to have sex with other people. The gender of those people really isn't relevant. If you want an open relationship, tell your partner. If your partner says no, you can either respect that or you can leave.
What you really need to ask yourself is whether or not this yearning to be "complete" and "get to know yourself" (???) trumps your partner's wishes and feelings. The implicit premise in your closing question (and your request for "non-judgemental" responses) is that you are considering cheating to fulfil this desire. The truth is that it would be cheating, no matter the gender, and your dilemma does not justify cheating. Your desires are not of more importance than his - if this is something you feel you need to do, then do him the decency of telling him and allowing him to choose if he wants to be in an open relationship or not. It's incredibly selfish to do otherwise.

You sound very wrapped up in yourself and you don't even mention the effect it might have on your partner in your post. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I think you need to take a step back and look at the wider effect your actions might have, not just the apparent "incompleteness" on your part etc.

My "non-judgemental" advice? Okay: we all have regrets about things we never got to do. If this is such a big deal to you, then be honest with your partner. You don't want to jeopardise your wonderful relationship with your OH - so don't.

Calhoun · 06-08-2018 7:02pm

You come across a bit like your partner is holding you back, like he got to have his fun but you didn't.

If that's how you see the relationship why not just break it off with him and go explore as you like.

If he is not ok with you doing it solo, then you will have to cheat to do it and at that stage the relationship is probably done for anyway. If you don't act on it you will resent him and in a way it looks like you already do.

annie jay · 06-08-2018 7:12pm

You Don't seem confused OP, You sound unsatisfied your current relationship.
Can you chat to your partner again about how you are feeling? If you had open communication about it at the start at your relationship surely you can confide in him again and have an honest conversation. This affects him too , how you are feeling I mean, If you are so much in your own head, you probably are not in tune and working in union with him.
I think Wiggle16 makes a good point about being selfish, maybe take a step back and reflect on what matters most, having a casual one night stand with a woman might complicate your relationship with you wonderful OH , but by the sounds of it it would cause you the most turmoil.

Take some time to reflect what you really want and do the right thing without hurting your OH or yourself.

baby and crumble · 06-08-2018 8:58pm

OP, I agree with what most folks are saying - the gender of the people you want to experience sexual intimacy with is somewhat irrelevant because you're already in a relationship. The only option around that is an open relationship, but you said yourself when you turned down the threesome offer from your BF that you didn't want him with another woman. I can't imagine that he'd be too up for opening the relationship if it's only you that gets to have outside fun.

However, I do understand the desire to explore your bi/pansexuality. It's only natural, but in reality like other posters have said you've three options.

1) Break up with your boyfriend, date women.
2) Have a threesome (you already said no to this)
3) Stay monogamous with your BF.

your sexual identity isn't dependant on your sexual activity. You're bisexual even if you never kiss another woman.

One thing I will pull you up on though is this -

Sexually confused wrote: »

I feel like i am too old now, will any woman find me attractive?

Yes. Yes we likely will.

leggo · 06-08-2018 9:27pm

Agree with what everyone else has said here OP: you're looking for a hall pass to cheat and kinda using your bi-curiosity as an excuse.

There's nothing wrong with having those curiosities, but you seem to want to keep your partner yet be allowed roam free to explore this while having him as a failsafe if you decide it's not for you. That's not how life works. Those two things aren't compatible, even if you can talk him into it (even stuff like you saying "we both agree we met too soon" stinks of him being coerced into agreeing to keep you happy) you WOULD be cheating here. Make no mistake about it.

Your options, therefore, given your own parameters since you refused to compromise when offered the chance, are to break up with him and explore or not act on this curiosity. Of course you could just cheat, but if he left you because of it and what you did got around everywhere you'd have no excuse because cheating is wrong. So make a decision whether to stay or go. You're not going to get permission here to cheat or loads of people telling you that it's not cheating because it's same-sex.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2018 10:45pm

Please understand i do not agree with cheating, it is a deal breaker for me. My OH has said go and have your exploration with a Woman, but this is where i get so caught up because I don't feel right doing this. I hate myself for even feeling like this. He is an amazing person and is very opened minded and understands my need as much as he can, he is very simplistic in his life. I feel so Complex and can't understand my lack of contentment. I will add it's not this all the time with me, we are building a life together and moving forward as a couple. I love him, I support him in his work and life as I feel a partner should, he always says that I bring out the best version of himself and we continue to grow and mature as a couple.
I am frustrated in my life in a whole, over committed to work, school and parent committee's and GAA coaching. I feel like I am lost in my life, after reading your comments i have reflected on this part of my life.

I might not be sexually confused, I know i am more attracted to women, funny the only man I find attractive is my OH. But I am confused, if and I probably will chat to him and fill him in, I have left him a bit dazed and confused this weekend from being distant, so i will make the opportunity to explain, I don't think suggesting an Open relationship would work, I imagine he would say no, as emotionally he would argue that I would not be happy with this, thing is, if that was to happen , he would have much more opportunity to be with people than I would. I parent alone and never go out, only with him. I could consider and suggest a threesome and see what he says, but I am scared to bring it up again, we put it in the past or so he thinks, he jokes with me from time to time ,'do you fancy her? '

I just can't help it, we were at Gay pride parade this weekend and i just wanted to be there on my own. I am feeling so messed up right now.

BettePorter · 06-08-2018 11:58pm

So OP just to clarity .....did u leave the father of your children because you realised you were gay ? You said u met your current partner too soon and that was meant to be your time to explore your sexuality. So are u basically saying you had intended to be 'gay' but fell into another hetero relationship ? Do you want to be with him ? Or are u just biding your time?

baby and crumble · 07-08-2018 12:44am

BettePorter wrote: »

So OP just to clarity .....did u leave the father of your children because you realised you were gay ? You said u met your current partner too soon and that was meant to be your time to explore your sexuality. So are u basically saying you had intended to be 'gay' but fell into another hetero relationship ? Do you want to be with him ? Or are u just biding your time?

She’s bisexual. Not gay. If you read the op it’s clear she loves her bf but has a side to her sexuality she would like to explore.

LegacyUser · 07-08-2018 7:56am

BettePorter wrote: »

So OP just to clarity .....did u leave the father of your children because you realised you were gay ? You said u met your current partner too soon and that was meant to be your time to explore your sexuality. So are u basically saying you had intended to be 'gay' but fell into another hetero relationship ? Do you want to be with him ? Or are u just biding your time?

No my marriage ended for the simple reason, we grew apart, I wasn’t aware at the time of my sexuality. It was something that I increasingly became aware of. I never intended to be gay.
Yes I want to be with him, but I also want to be with a woman.

Big Bag of Chips · 07-08-2018 8:10am

Sexually confused wrote: »

Yes I want to be with him, but I also want to be with a woman.

Well that's not good enough, especially when you admit that you don't like the idea of him with someone else.

As others said it's called having your cake, and eating it. If you want to go off and "explore" and "find yourself" then you do it as a single woman, or you suggest an open relationship where you accept that your partner will also be entitled to go off and "explore".

You parent alone. Does your ex ever see the children? Take them overnight? If not that is something you should organise as a regular thing and that will free you up to be able to socialise a bit more. With or without your partner. But you are asking for permission to have sex outside of your relationship. Whilst telling your partner he doesn't get the same opportunity. I don't think that's going to work.

I think your partner is a saint to be honest. He is willing to stand by you, and has even said he's just waiting for the day that you do cheat on him. Put yourself in his shoes and think how that must make him feel. How would you feel waiting for the day that he goes out and fulfils a 'need'?

Sardonicat · 07-08-2018 9:24am

Sexually confused wrote: »

BettePorter wrote: »

So OP just to clarity .....did u leave the father of your children because you realised you were gay ? You said u met your current partner too soon and that was meant to be your time to explore your sexuality. So are u basically saying you had intended to be 'gay' but fell into another hetero relationship ? Do you want to be with him ? Or are u just biding your time?

No my marriage ended for the simple reason, we grew apart, I wasn’t aware at the time of my sexuality. It was something that I increasingly became aware of. I never intended to be gay.
Yes I want to be with him, but I also want to be with a woman.

No one "intends" their sexual orientation OP, so not sure what you mean by that.

Do you enjoy sex with men? Are you sure you're not gay and trying to find a way to live a straight life with a sexual outlet on the side.

I'm not judging you and could understand how you would come around to that way of thinking if you haven't 100% accepted yourself yet. But it would be an absolute disaster and bring nothing but misery and heartache if you do go down that route. I've seen that kind of car crash play out and it wasn't pretty.

I think you've got a lot of soul searching to do. If you think you could be gay then you need to end your current relationship. You can't keep that man hanging on in the background just in case you're not.

If your certain that you're bi than all the advice given previously stands and really there's nothing more to add .

I wish you well, OP

wiggle16 · 07-08-2018 12:37pm

OP, what you really need to decide is what is more important to you - your relationship with a person you love and who loves you, or finally exploring a side of yourself that's taken a back seat. Unfortunately, you just cannot have both - not without hurting your partner and yourself.

When I was with my ex, I often felt the want of things I would have liked to have tried while single but which weren't possible while I was with him (nothing to do with trying the other gender so I'm not comparing what you're going through, but sexual stuff was in there). Monogamy is a trade off between the nice parts of being in a relationship (security, intimacy, trust etc) and the limitations it imposes upon your options and opportunities. We decide that certain things are more important to us. In the end I broke up with him for completely different reasons and would definitely not have left him because of the above, but once I became single and had the "freedom" to do all those things, I didn't really want to do them anymore. I still haven't, really; anything I did do was very "meh".

I mention the above because I think that you need to give it a bit more thought than you're giving it and about what you're imagining it to be. Be realistic here, doing the underpants charleston with a woman is not going to give you all the wonderful instant fulfilment you are talking about. Sex is great, but after the fact, it is a mundane, banal act, like eating or sleeping. By all means explore it, but don't build it up into something that it's not.

As another poster has said, even if you never had sex with a woman, it does not mean that you are not really bisexual. I'll go a bit further and say that the fact of sexual expression, or the lack thereof, does not define a person's nature or qualities - the deed does not define the doer. The doer had to come first. If you're a bisexual woman, your sexuality is not diminished by not engaging in bisexual behaviour. If you never got to explore that side of yourself, it does not diminish, in any way, the "authenticity" of your attraction to other women, if you like.

You need to look at the wider picture. If you leave your partner, or even cheat, and have sex with a woman or two, how do you know that you would feel the fulfilment you're convinced it would give you? And if it does, what happens then? Would you want to be in a relationship with a woman?
If you do go and cheat on your partner to do it, would you be able to cope with the guilt? You are already conflicted about this so I think it's safe to say the guilt would eat you up.

I'm not saying all the above to play down what you're feeling. I'm a gay guy and I have had close friends go through similar stuff to what you are going through, when they were working themselves out. I'm genuinely not trying to push you either way, if it's something you decide you need to do then do it, but be honest with your partner about it, and honest with yourself about it too, and what it is you actually want.

Sexually confused

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