Tips on how to be happy with your lot

LegacyUser

Im very lucky.
-I grew up in a stable home, two amazing parents who still support me and my siblings.
-My siblings are good people who i really get on with.
-I never had any big issues growing up, was good at school, went to third level, got a degree.
-I got a good job that lead to a better job that lead to a better job and now I earn a healthy salary.
-My place of work, despite having some issues are very good to me, let me take time off when i need it, very flexible hours, supportive of private life, and have the culture that home life comes before work.
-I have a nice new house in which i live with my wife/best friend/soul mate and my brand new child who is healthy and happy.

All in all, my life sounds pretty amazing and the above statements sound like bragging.
I also know that my life is amazing, I know im super lucky and have been from the day i was born.

My problem is that even though I am very aware of how lucky I am, I'm never fully happy and always comparing or looking for something better.

- Id want to live in an even better area.
- I want a job that pays more.
- I want to do more of what interests me on a given day at work.
- I want to find a good school for my child that does not involve crazy commutes
- I constantly compare myself to my friends and want what they have

The list goes on. I know i can change jobs, I know i can move houses. I also know that these things wont make me any happier. I know this, but my brain does not believe it.

Im looking for tips or exercises I can perform to help show my brain and make it believe that life is good, I am very lucky.

Im not even trying to convince my brain of a lie, my life is great, i know this, i just need to believe it.

If I cant be happy right now, what chance do i have when I hit bumps in the road such as illness, loss of parents etc ?

Appreciate any help or tips.

zoobizoo

Is it possible that until something very negative happens, like the loss of one of your parents, that you don't have a reference point? My wife tells me that it changed her views on a lot of things when her mother passed away.

Friend of mine died recently - so when I started thinking about the worries I was having about work, I could put it into context... Here I am worrying about something I have to do on Monday morning while my friend's wife is alone with 4 kids to raise. ... so I stop worrying, look at what I have and I'm glad to be alive.


Apparently a gratitude diary is a good place to start.

There are two books I'd recommend - The Feeling Good Handbook and The Road Less Travelled.

What things do make you happy right now?

kerryjack

It's perfectly normal I would say that's why they are garages selling nice cars and shops selling nice things. It would be a quare old place if everyone was going around all happy with there lot. Congrats on new ariaval sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming being responsible for something so small ,that song by aslam comes to mind, how can I protect you in this crasy world.

xabi

I found “The monk who sold his Ferrari” a good read. Might help here.

<SNIP> no need to quote full OP

I could have written that post OP so although I cannot help I can tell you you are not alone. Like someone said here it is only when something bad happens that you will have a reference point. I found volunteering helps also as it makes you realise how lucky you are and much more grateful.

Wesser

Maybe try mindfullness training?
Teaches you to really be in each moment and not in some other moment.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

-Checking up the books recommendations on amazon to see which one id like to give a go.

Wesser wrote:

Maybe try mindfullness training?

Thanks Wesser. I done mindfulness as part of stress management a few years ago. Found it very useful along with meditation. I became less stressed, but also as i got less stressed i practiced less! Getting back into practicing mindfulness and meditation immediately.

kerryjack wrote:

Congrats on new ariaval sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming being responsible for something so small

Great point Kerryjack. Thinking about your point, I realized that its not the responsibility, but the overwhelming change in our lives. One example is three months ago I would have gone for beers on the Friday of a bank holiday weekend, now its home straight after work. Lots of other examples like that. I didn't realize it was in my head until I thought on your point.
I've been trying to make up for missing my old life by expecting amazing happiness from the new chapter and it doesn't work like that, a new baby is hard work and the change is significant. I need to let go of the idea of my old life and accept that although my new life is amazing, its still tough work, so i shouldn't expect it to make me blissfully happy all of the time.

zoobizoo wrote:

What things do make you happy right now?

Lots of things.
-Phone calls with my mum and dad. Spending my youth thinking they held me back, i only realized in the last few years how much they really did and still do for me.
-Chilling with my partner and new baby who is just starting to smile and recognize us.
-Getting out in nature for a full day, no mobile phone, just myself in a remote area enjoying nature and a dozen miles of rough terrain.
-Few casual pints with the lads, which does not happen so often since we all are having children!
-An email with an old friend who emigrated a long time back but we still keep in touch via email and the occasional phone call.
-Dinner and drinks with my partner, which also has suffered since the new arrival!
-The thought of my mortgage being paid off.

I did a gratitude diary a short while ago. Tried it for 30 days. Found it of great benefit for the first 10 days but after that I was repeating myself. this is good in itself as it shows that what makes me happy happens regularly but makes for dull re-reading!

professore

I'd agree with a previous poster that until something really crap happens it's normal to think like this.

A guy once told me what did it for him was visiting his best friend in hospital who was very successful and athletic dying of a brain tumour at 25 a shadow of his former self.

s7ryf3925pivug

The only bit of that sounds like a problem is that you compare yourself to others. It would be worth trying to change that aspect of your mentality. However I view wanting to improve your own and your family's situation is a good thing. Viewing it as a bad thing must come from comparing yourself to others in worse situations. That's just as irrelevant to you as comparisons to those in better situations.

Daisy78

You sound like you are living the dream to be honest, there are plenty of people who would kill to be in your shoes. If you read through some of the threads on this forum or on the terminal illness forum you gain some perspective on your issue. I think some of the other posters hit the nail on the head about adversity and how it makes you appreciate your lot when things are going well. Have you always had success in life? I think the silver lining to difficult times is it makes you appreciate the times in your life where you don’t have to struggle so much.

Have you thought about doing some volunteer work with organizations that work with disadvantaged individuals? Not meaning to be flippant but it might offer the balance you need in relation to your outlook in life and you would be giving something back to those who need it. I don’t think striving further for a better job/house/car will fulfill that need in you, you need to find a way to appreciate all of the good you already have and volunteering might offer that perspective.

Skibunny77

Start with a gratitude journal. Your wishlist mostly relates to materialism - better image, better house etc. It is well established that counties with high levels or desire for consumerism have lower levels of happiness. Strip it back, focus on life, rather than stuff or accumulating things. Practice gratitude and mindfulness. This is a skill, it takes time, practice and commitment but the result is far more enriched life.

Emme

OP it sounds like you are due a wake-up call.

milli milli

Op you are truly blessed and most people would love to have all you have.
I would anyway but you know the hardship & struggles in my life really make me appreciate the good things, even if it’s something simple like the sun shining or the flowers growing.

You have so much good fortune that it might be an idea to share that with others, like volunteering as others have suggested?
Forget about the material things in your life and comparing with the neighbours (comparison is the thief of all joy). If the hole is in your soul, you can’t fill it with gadgets or bigger houses.

It’s good that you see this is a problem because your life can change in an instant and all those lovely things can be lost (a wake up call as another poster said).
I definitely would recommend helping out people less fortunate and you’ll appreciate how easy your life is.

Also gratitude is so powerful. For example, If I’m having a bad day, I might see someone in a wheelchair and all of sudden I’m so thankful that my legs are strong and healthy and I can walk. It’s kind of like a slap in the face.
(I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m such a pious person, I do have my moaning & self-pitying moments, like everyone else.)

Yeah man..you are lucky..if you can't recognise that now,and think that a bigger house or nicer car will change things,then you will never be happy..

pwurple

I think you're experiencing a natural part of aging. 
No need to do meditation, happiness journals etc. You're a normal man doing his early mid-life. If anything , you still have that drive to improve, ambition... and are starting to drift on where to direct that drive.  You're not getting the satisfaction you expected from all of these, your health, wealth, family, career... so you think there's something wrong. You're just being human. :D 

Here's an article on it:
Happiness Curve

pwurple

milli milli wrote: »

Op you are truly blessed and most people would love to have all you have.
I would anyway but you know the hardship & struggles in my life really make me appreciate the good things, even if it’s something simple like the sun shining or the flowers growing.

You know that feeling that someone else has it better than you, and you'd be happier if you just had what they had.... :)
Looks like we all have it, including the OP. 
http://happierhuman.com/hedonic-treadmill/

5555555555

Maybe get off social media as well if you are on it.

orthsquel

I think rather than trying to trick or convince your brain to believe how lucky you are and appreciate what you have, you may have to feel it. And you may have to reflect on why you are comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate with what you have.

There was an interesting article in the Irish Independent on Night Nurses working in palliative care; I found it engaging, moving and thought provoking. https://www.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/money-work-family-friends-the-same-things-keep-coming-up-irish-nurse-on-the-regrets-of-people-on-their-deathbed-37181598.html


You need to take objective views on the issues you have...I'd suspect many people envy you, and compare themselves to you in all aspect of how they view your life from their perspective and want what you have for themselves.

Gratitude, being grateful is one thing, but I think while you get that and have tried that, maybe you're just not feeling it entirely. You don't need something bad to happen to appreciate the good in your life, but it is easy to take stuff for granted, like even feeling healthy and relaxed, until you end up having sore throats, head colds and sinus infections that just won't go away easily and you're wishing to feel better. Don't just count your blessings, feel them and I think that may make the difference.

Yellow pack crisps

You seem to appreciate everything and yet nothing. You have ambition. That is fine but do not let it cloud the enjoyment from the things that are in front of your eyes. Your opening post has all the things in it that are important to you. Just identify them.

LegacyUser

Do you ever experience true joy or pleasure?

um7y1h83ge06nx

Sometimes you need to identify sources of information that might be affecting your view. For example, many say that Facebook gets them down as they see so many friends having what they think are more exciting lives than them. Of course many only put up the highlights, not the lowlights.

I myself came to the conclusion last night that Irish media was affecting my happiness and views as many stories around politics etc. Just annoy me. For example the whole Margaret Cash homeless story was getting to me - me thinking why I bother working when she gets so much income for not working at all.

My trial solution is to delete my RTE News app and avoid listening to Morning Ireland on the way into work, instead listening to podcasts. I'll still keep abreast of international news though. Be interesting to see how it works for me.

kerryjack

You sound like your driven and not happy sitting back enjoying your hard work, some people get there and than they say is this it, i know a few lads down here they get in to football coaching under age they take it way too serious of course 1 lad in particular would wreck your head talking about U8 football he has to be avoided.