Help needed to save family from breakup

family_first

Hello everyone!

I desperately need help with a serious problem. Me and my gf have lived together for 14 years now. We have two beautiful children, 3 and 4 yrs old, but now our family is breaking apart.

My GF is mad about dogs and although I like them too, I believe dogs don’t belong inside the house and if they do live there, they surely don’t belong in your bed or even in the bedroom. And the priority should always be the children, then the partner and only then animals.

So 10 years ago, against all my protests, my gf got a dog and put it straight into our bed. This logically resulted in zero intimacy and fighting about the smell and the filth. Shortly after she also got a job at an animal sanctuary, which made things even worse. It is a filthy place and our dog was roaming free picking up all the filth and bringing it to our home. My gf's clothes and hair also stank unbearably. Now we have two dogs and they no longer sleep in our bed, but neither do I. Without going into too much detail this is the situation:

The sanctuary is ran by a typical cat lady. Lonely, bitter and full of regret. She doesn't believe in relationships and despises men. There are a few more people whose lives also turned out differently than they would've liked and the place just stank of negativism before my gf lit it up with her bubbly personality.

Unfortunately, something had to give and it wasn't going to be the negativism and hate in that place. My GF slowly turned into them. They would, of course, be always supportive of her decisions to have dogs and to care for stray or abandoned cats and dogs even on the expense of her family life, while also pseudo-encouraging her to go home early to her man and children. Those people literally feed on her positive energy. She inspires them and helps them not to drown in their own misery, so now it is in their interest she stays. They don't give a shhh about her family and now she doesn't either. They are the centre of her Universe now. She doesn't care what our breakup means for the lives of our children or where is she going to get the money to support them and herself. The sanctuary people are very supportive in that respect too, telling her not to worry, that they would help her. As if a bunch of lost people and filthy animals could replace a father or help our children to have a normal life while their lives are in tatters.

I need help in making my GF see that she’s been imitating their behaviour for years now and it is now threatening to destroy the lives of our two children. I don’t know how to make her see that no amount of cats and dogs is worth it. She’s blaming me for our arguments but she ignores the reasons. I recently snapped and just spat out at her all the things about the crazy sanctuary people she calls friends, about her ignorance and all the other things, and that she’s literally exchanged the father of her children - her family - for a bunch of filthy animals, a hateful cat lady and some lost deceitful women. Unsurprisingly, to no avail.

I don't believe her change is irreversible. I think she can snap out of it, I just don't know how to help it. She's basically acting like an extreme 3rd wave feminist these days. All my attempts at intimacy or friendliness are being dismissed in the most paranoid ways and I can't take it much longer. Everything I say or do she translates into an attack on her and her friends. Even when I say I miss her or that she's looking good.

We need help. Can anyone here help or recommend a really good psychologist in Cork? I don't need life advice, I'm looking for a professional, like a clinical psychologist, not just some counselor.

Stellasmurf

family_first wrote: »

<Snip>

Not exactly sure what the issue is here. Is it that your gf does not spend enough time with you and the family? I’m sorry OP but the descriptions you’ve given, you sound quite bitter and jealous. Your gf seems to have found a passion and you both now seem to be incompatible. I don’t live in cork so cannot recommend a counselor but would recommend couples therapy for you both.

family_first

Stellasmurf wrote: »

Not exactly sure what the issue is here. Is it that your gf does not spend enough time with you and the family? I’m sorry OP but the descriptions you’ve given, you sound quite bitter and jealous. Your gf seems to have found a passion and you both now seem to be incompatible. I don’t live in cork so cannot recommend a counselor but would recommend couples therapy for you both.

The issue is that my gf prioritizes strangers and animals before family and that she's acting like a 3rd wave feminist. This has little to do with my jealousy, while logically there would be some.

You can't just wave it off with a passion. I'm not bitter either, I'm just politically incorrect and desperate because there's not much time left. This is my family that's at stake here. Besides, I had to squeeze 9 years of increasing struggle into one readable post. My GF is not my GF, she's now a mix of those crazy people she's working with.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know why you feel you need a clinical psychologist. If you think your gf needs to see psychologist then you will need to get her to her GP who can maybe recommended one for you.

Your relationship does seem to be in very serious trouble, and all communication seems to be lost. For that you need relationship/marriage counselling. Counselling will not tell 1 person they are right, and the other they are wrong. It will help you both sort out the problems in your relationship, which usually all come down to loss of communication between the couple.

Your relationship doesn't sound happy. It's obviously not happy. But just as you are unhappy with your gf, she may equally be unhappy with you and aspects of your behaviour. Remember in counselling nobody will be 'right', at least not always right!

If you want to save your relationship you need to get her talking to you. No threats. No slagging. No digs at her job, friends etc. They are all irrelevant to your relationship. You may have to accept that she doesn't want to salvage it. But even if that is the case, a good relationship counsellor will be able to guide you through separating amicably and keeping the children as the priority.

Hitman3000

When are the school holidays over?

bottlebrush

Do you want your partner to give up totally her involvement with animals or just scale it down. And if she finds a new passion and gets equally invested in it, then what?
Do you have hobbies and interests yourself and is she supportive of them?

family_first

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't know why you feel you need a clinical psychologist. If you think your gf needs to see psychologist then you will need to get her to her GP who can maybe recommended one for you.

Your relationship does seem to be in very serious trouble, and all communication seems to be lost. For that you need relationship/marriage counselling. Counselling will not tell 1 person they are right, and the other they are wrong. It will help you both sort out the problems in your relationship, which usually all come down to loss of communication between the couple.

Your relationship doesn't sound happy. It's obviously not happy. But just as you are unhappy with your gf, she may equally be unhappy with you and aspects of your behaviour. Remember in counselling nobody will be 'right', at least not always right!

If you want to save your relationship you need to get her talking to you. No threats. No slagging. No digs at her job, friends etc. They are all irrelevant to your relationship. You may have to accept that she doesn't want to salvage it. But even if that is the case, a good relationship counsellor will be able to guide you through separating amicably and keeping the children as the priority.

Thank you my friend, but I wouldn't be here desperately looking for professional help if I wasn't at my wits end and if I hadn't tried everything. The lat thing I couldn't find is a decent clinical psychologist.

I don't need to hear that I'm right or wrong. I need a professional to help me to direct my GF's attention towards the consequences of her refusal to communicate or even admit the influence she's under are playing a major role in our situation. There is no communication exactly because of that. My GF was always able and willing to talk things out. But this is not her thinking anymore. It's theirs.

And what do you mean I need to accept it???? Are you serious? Am I supposed to accept taht a bunch of crazies with no life are causing my children to lose their father? Just how liberal can you get? Darwin is spinning in his grave.

Sardonicat

OP, could you be more specific as to what the actual issue is?

Your posts are very confusing. What do you mean she's acting like a 3rd wave feminist? Would you be able to give a concrete example of some behaviour that's causing you concern?

family_first

bottlebrush wrote: »

Do you want your partner to give up totally her involvement with animals or just scale it down. And if she finds a new passion and gets equally invested in it, then what?
Do you have hobbies and interests yourself and is she supportive of them?

Will you please stop with the passion BS? To live in filth brought about by vermin is not a passion, neither is it normal human behaviour. The sanctuary exists simply because of poor life choices made by its owner and now it serves as a substitute for a meaning in her life.

I already said I don't need my gf to quit. My hobbies have nothing to do with this but yes, I do have hobbies. First and foremost to play and laugh with my children and to watch them be happy with my girlfriend. And my gf is currently not supportive of it.

But let me repeat, I don't need life advice. I need a clinical psychologist. Either to consult here, or in his practice.

family_first

Sardonicat wrote: »

OP, could you be more specific as to what the actual issue is?

Your posts are very confusing. What do you mean she's acting like a 3rd wave feminist? Would you be able to give a concrete example of some behaviour that's causing you concern?

Sure. I say she's looking good. She doesn't react and at the first opportunity days or weeks later she lashes at me for making fun of her looks. Or after 8 months without intimacy I would bring it up and she'd victoriously proclaim all I care about is sex.

Hitman3000

family_first wrote:

The issue is that my gf prioritizes strangers and animals before family and that she's acting like a 3rd wave feminist. This has little to do with my jealousy, while logically there would be some.

What is a 3rd wave feminist and how do they differ from a feminist and a 2nd wave feminist?

Addle

family_first wrote: »

The sanctuary exists simply because of poor life choices made by its owner and now it serves as a substitute for a meaning in her life.

Why do you consider it a substitute? Just because someone made different life choices to you, doesn't mean their choices are less meaningful to them.

family_first

Hitman3000 wrote: »

What is a 3rd wave feminist and how do they differ from a feminist and a 2nd wave feminist?

AFAIK, 1st wave fought for equal rights, e.g. the right to vote. The 2nd wave fought for equality in workplace and against domestic or other abuse. There used to be no laws protecting women from it.

The 3rd wave is a bunch of bitter - reality detached insecure or hurt women set out to destroy the patriarchal system on which civilization is standing and which brought us out of caves and assured the survival of both sexes. Basically, a money making scheme aimed at punishing the men

iamwhoiam

family_first wrote: »

AFAIK, 1st wave fought for equal rights, e.g. the right to vote. The 2nd wave fought for equality in workplace and against domestic or other abuse. There used to be no laws protecting women from it.

The 3rd wave is a bunch of bitter - reality detached insecure or hurt women set out to destroy the patriarchal system on which civilization is standing and which brought us out of caves and assured the survival of both sexes. Basically, a money making scheme aimed at punishing the men

Oh you charmer you

Sardonicat

family_first wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

OP, could you be more specific as to what the actual issue is?

Your posts are very confusing. What do you mean she's acting like a 3rd wave feminist? Would you be able to give a concrete example of some behaviour that's causing you concern?

Sure. I say she's looking good. She doesn't react and at the first opportunity days or weeks later she lashes at me for making fun of her looks. Or after 8 months without intimacy I would bring it up and she'd victoriously proclaim all I care about is sex.

Thanks OP

Don't know why you think any of this has to do with an animal sanctuary or third wave feminism.

If you genuinely want to save your relationship the only thing to do is get couples counselling. If she does not want to do that and wants to end the relationship you can't force her or "make" her see anything from your point of view.

You seem to think that if you get her into a psychologists office that the psychologist will concurr with you and tell her to cope herself on. That's not how these things work. Maybe she just doesn't love you anymore. It's very sad, but it happens.

family_first

Addle wrote: »

Why do you consider it a substitute? Just because someone made different life choices to you, doesn't mean their choices are less meaningful to them.

Because it isn't normal, nor natural. No healthy brain comes up with the idea of living in filth. It's a choice out of necessity - a substitute for a lost meaning.

Heres Johnny

Her behaviour is bizzare and I can understand your frustration for sure, it's not right and I know the type of person you are describing that runs the dog sanctuary. Never married, despises men, prefers animals, I know the country has loads of them.
But I'd tone down on the calling of animals filthy and vermin it will alienate you from your girlfriend and also from people here looking to give advice.
It sounds like a huge communication issue between you both and trying to get her referred isn't going to help.

bottlebrush

family_first wrote: »

Will you please stop with the passion BS? To live in filth brought about by vermin is not a passion, neither is it normal human behaviour. The sanctuary exists simply because of poor life choices made by its owner and now it serves as a substitute for a meaning in her life.

I already said I don't need my gf to quit. My hobbies have nothing to do with this but yes, I do have hobbies. First and foremost to play and laugh with my children and to watch them be happy with my girlfriend. And my gf is currently not supportive of it.

But let me repeat, I don't need life advice. I need a clinical psychologist. Either to consult here, or in his practice.

I only posted once and used the word passion only once but you seem very defensive.. If all you need is a clinical psychologist then the last paragraph of your op would have been sufficient or seek the advice of your gp. If you give the background story in your opening post then you shouldn't be surprised if other posters comment or ask questions.

family_first

Sardonicat wrote: »

Thanks OP

Don't know why you think any of this has to do with an animal sanctuary or third wave feminism.

If you genuinely want to save your relationship the only thing to do is get couples counselling. If she does not want to do that and wants to end the relationship you can't force her or "make" her see anything from your point of view.

You seem to think that if you get her into a psychologists office that the psychologist will concurr with you and tell her to cope herself on. That's not how these things work. Maybe she just doesn't love you anymore. It's very sad, but it happens.

Thanks a bunch. I knew it was too much to hope for asking strangers on the Internet for help with personal matters. Everyone gets fixated on the noise and no one considers the main problem, which is THE CHILDREN and the fact their life is being DESTROYED thank to crazy people.

BTW I never said I wanted to get her in a psychologist office, I clearly said I need to talk to him so I can do the right thing and help my GF understand the situation.

family_first

bottlebrush wrote: »

I only posted once and used the word passion only once but you seem very defensive.. If all you need is a clinical psychologist then the last paragraph of you op would have been sufficient or seek the advice of your gp. If you give the background story in your opening post then you shouldn't be surprised if other posters comment or ask questions.

I'm sorry I read only posts, not the poster's names. Passion was brought up twice before I became "defensive". I am frank, because I don't care about life advice. I've now said it four times. The background story is for those who can help, not for everyone who feels like asking questions out of curiosity. This is not easy for me you know. Thankfully, it is anonymous enough.

strandroad

Filth, vermin, hate, liberals, third wave feminism, crazy/hateful/deceitful people... and you think it's your girlfriend who is a bad communicator here?

Seriously, as a last resort you need to go to couples counselling and actually try to learn how to talk to her. You for sure cannot do it, your girlfriend possibly can't either - but how exactly do you want her to communicate? Spit some insults back to you? Let me tell you that I for sure wouldn't engage with someone with your spiteful attitude and language. Could it be that she's given up long ago and really only tolerating you for the kids?

family_first

Heres Johnny wrote: »

Her behaviour is bizzare and I can understand your frustration for sure, it's not right and I know the type of person you are describing that runs the dog sanctuary. Never married, despises men, prefers animals, I know the country has loads of them.
But I'd tone down on the calling of animals filthy and vermin it will alienate you from your girlfriend and also from people here looking to give advice.
It sounds like a huge communication issue between you both and trying to get her referred isn't going to help.

I'm trying, believe me. But I'm running out of time and I can't help it anymore. People are trying to justify the wrong. That's why I need a professional, who can pragmatically asses the situation and give me advice on how to proceed. She won't see a psychologist. She already did, but it only stopped her from bringing half of the sanctuary home.

LegacyUser

You sound delightful OP. I have worked at an animal sanctuary and it's far from a cult that you're making it out to be. It's not your girlfriend that needs help, it's you with your rotten behaviour and bitterness.

family_first

strandroad wrote: »

Filth, vermin, hate, liberals, third wave feminism, crazy/hateful/deceitful people... and you think it's your girlfriend who is a bad communicator here?

Seriously, as a last resort you need to go to couples counselling and actually try to learn how to talk to her. You for sure cannot do it, your girlfriend possibly can't either - but how exactly do you want her to communicate? Spit some insults back to you? Let me tell you that I for sure wouldn't engage with someone with your spiteful attitude and language. Could it be that she's given up long ago and really only tolerating you for the kids?

Filth = sht, pss, blood and desease on the ground (or does it upset you to know what filth is?)

..brought indoors by Vermin = cats that multiply uncontrollably and perform no other function in the environment (sorry to upset you again)

hate = when you wish the worst upon somebody just for not agreeing with you

Liberals and 3rd wave feminism - the undoing of civilization (sorry to upset you again, but I'm not the first to say this)

Sardonicat

Why are you being so rude to people who are genuinely trying to help you?

If you want to talk to a psychologist go and do that. There's no need to post on a public forum beforehand.

Why are you so dismissive of couples counselling? You are aware that some clinical psychologists provide couples therapy and would be able to see and if your GF has a mental health issue that needs addressing. A clinical psychologist is NOT going to listen to a description of your GF's behaviour provided by you alone and tell you how to get through to her and nor can anyone else here.

If it's the case that your GF wants out of the relationship and you fear for their welfare whilst in her care then the professional you need to contact ASAP is a solicitor.

Best of luck OP

KevRossi

You both need to see a relationship counsellor. Together.

They will advise you on the next best steps.

If you want a good local psychologist then ask your GP. Go to the psychologist on your own the first time and take it from there .

Hitman3000

family_first wrote:

The 3rd wave is a bunch of bitter - reality detached insecure or hurt women set out to destroy the patriarchal system on which civilization is standing and which brought us out of caves and assured the survival of both sexes. Basically, a money making scheme aimed at punishing the men

Really?so why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone like This?

Hitman3000

family_first wrote:

Thanks a bunch. I knew it was too much to hope for asking strangers on the Internet for help with personal matters. Everyone gets fixated on the noise and no one considers the main problem, which is THE CHILDREN and the fact their life is being DESTROYED thank to crazy people.

Heres the best advice you will get off a randomner on the internet. Ask your GP for a referral to a professional that can help you or your partner. Assuming you're genuine.

Cushie Butterfield

No one here can save your family from breaking up. You’ve been advised to seek professional help. This would mean OFFLINE professional help.

You can either heed this advice or ignore it, but arguing with strangers on the internet won’t help matters one bit & only add to your frustration & unhappiness.

Best of luck.

Colser

Have others (family or friends) commented on the situation,have you spoken to someone close to you about it?Would you accept that you have any blame here or do you feel that your partner was completely "brainwashed".?It's hard to believe that all was well until she met these other people,is there more to the story and the way she is now is just her way of getting on with it and doing something she enjoys I wonder,maybe she feels that you're the issue .

dudara

I’m stopping this thread right here. The OP seems have some very odd ideas about feminism and bitter cat ladies which are only going to inflame the audience.

OP - I suggest you learn how to communicate without sweeping insulting generalisations and stereotypes. If I was your girlfriend I’d be quite pissed off with you also. I suggest you speak to a GP and get professional help to help you deal with your issues.

dudara