Very old jealousy?

Just anon once

Hi.

Hoping for a few open minded replies to this I've not read anything similar and need to vent it.

I'm married years(happily). Met my wife when both 19/20. We were both relatively inexperienced in sex at the time... she's year older than me and we both had sex before meeting and both were active without sex as usual for the age etc. Spent few yrs got engaged married. We've kids now all good no complaints.

Anyways. This is 15 years on now. But for the past few months for whatever reason I keep thinking and getting jealous or something of her past. I know a few guys she used to be with (small town... as does she) and it's in my head. I mean. It's nothing bad or anything but still I allow it to enter my thoughts? Why? I dunno. It's really none of my business. It was before we met. It never really bothered me until now. What in the hell is wrong with me now that I need to subconsciously piss myself off now about it for.

She's never cheated. Nor have I. We get on great. Kids are grand. Both healthy. Sex is as it always was. I really dunno why something like this comes up. It's baffling.

Is it some strange midlife crisis? Lol. Sorry I can only laugh cos even when writing this it makes no sense yet here i am needing to vent it.

I've not talked to her about it. What would I say. Remember that guy you were with 17 years ago! But still it exists. I just keep it to myself.

That's it really. Anyone ever like this before? Is it a simple jealous thing? Is it nothing. Yes I need to cop on and let it go. But still.

fineso.mom

Hi Op, first of all, it makes a nice change to see someone say they have a good marriage, get on great with their spouse and have no problems with sex ☺
I think theres any number of benign reasons for these thoughts. The mind works in funny ways, you even used the word subconscious. It could be as simple as you saw a love scene on tv/in a movie and then a day or two later saw one of her exes and then had a dream with him and your wife in some sort of romanyic situation. Most/a lot of people dont remember their dreams but bits of them can come to you later. Because you dont remember the dream it seems like the thought came from nowhere.
Or maybe you saw one of the guys on the street,took no notice but later your wife gave out to you for leaving your socks on the floor and you had a fleeting thought 'fecks sake woman ,you should have stayed with your man,maybe he'd pick up his socks!' But it was only a passing notion so you thought no more of it. But its there in your subconscious....
So the next time you see your man, your brain makes a connection to the previous dream or passing thought and 'out of nowhere' you get this jealous feeling. And because you dont know where it came from it disturbs/intrigues you and it kind of gets stuck in your head and becomes a 'thing'.
Maybe theres a bit of mid life crisis thing to it...it can be a time of uncertainty and change maybe leading to a bit of insecurity and you see these guys as a reminder of the past when you were young but youre not young now?
I dont think Ive explained it well but it sounds like you have a lovely marriage and obviously love and trust your wife so I would just ignore the thoughts.
Just remembered an episode of friends where one of the characters was mad at Ross and didnt know why. It eventually turned out they had a dream that Ross insulted them.

wiggle16

Just anon once wrote: »

I keep thinking and getting jealous or something of her past.

What in the hell is wrong with me now that I need to subconsciously piss myself off now about it for.

Hi OP.

How does it actually make you feel when you think about it? Don't want to sound all new-age about it, but jealousy is a catch-all word for a very complicated set of feelings.

Like: do you feel jealous in the sense that she has had a bit more sexual experience than you before you married, and that maybe you missed out a bit on something she got to do?

Or is it that you're jealous those guys "got there first" or were with her at all?

How does it actually make you feel when it comes into your head? Are you angry with her, or angry with them, or angry in general? Sorry for all the questions, I just want a bit more info to try and answer

Just anon once

Hey.

Thanks for replies. Fineso i see your point thanks for the view. Im sure it popped into my head cos one of her past came up in alternate conversation or Facebook etc. We certainly don't talk about it. As I said small town so I'd know most people.

Wiggle. Not sure how to explain other than to use jealous yet it's very old jealousy! I dont feel betrayed or annoyed maybe. More like perhaps never got to sow wild oats type of thing? We were young enough regardless and have been together ever since. I don't like to think about her obviously with anyone else. I shouldn't give a **** but I do is what's frustrating. I know I shouldn't care. I know it's not her fault. If I'd had 100 other women would it matter then? Probably.

Thinking about it I just feel kinda **** that she was with guys I know in some way or form in the past. If it were strangers probably not so much. This was not sex I might add. So I can't even use that as an excuse to want to be annoyed.

I'm the type of person that overthinks with free time I guess. Why the hell my brain lead me to this. Dunno. Why not something good eh.

Arrival

This sounds like some form of retroactive jealousy. You genuinely will need some counselling for this and it would probably be best to do it as a couple so, as embarrassing as it may be, you should tell your wife that you are having these thoughts and that you want to work together to deal with them. Don't be apathetic about doing this, it is genuinely important to nip it in the bud and while you may believe you can do so without professional help I can tell you, you almost certainly can't. The reasons for why these thoughts are popping into your head will need to be explored and you'll need to be helped learn how to stop them. From what you describe you have a great marriage with a great woman so I'm sure she'll be supportive