What age do guys usually settle down? Do I have commitment issues?

TheBoyConor

I am a single guy of 32 years old. I was in a LTR years between 20 and 28 and then in another (probably rebound) relationship from 28 to 30. When I became single it took me a while to adjust to single life because I had been so long in relationships.

Now I find myself loving the freedom of being single and being able to do whatever, whenever go wherever without having to obtain royal assent on things. I think I am more happy now than I have ever been to be honest because I have expanded my social circle significantly, made some great friends, moved to a job I’ve always wanted and have a very busy social life.
However, I am receiving some comments from some friends and family asking if I’ve met anybody or if I’m going to meet someone. I say no because I just have no interest in it and tbh I can’t see myself settling down like that in the foreseeable future, besides maybe buying a house which is something I’m looking into.

I suppose at 32 I’m in an age range where people start to settle down with marriage and babies and that as indeed many of my friends have done now. I’ve also had hints of interest from some women among my friends that they were interested and, while they are lovely girls who I am great friends with, I’d have no interest that way. This has gone on maybe over the past year and I have even had one or two busy bodies ask me was I gay because I wasn’t interested in any of these girls.

So I’m just starting to wonder if maybe I should be and would this age be about the average age for guys to “get settled” and if not, might I be having some sort of commitment issues due to being in a relationship so long?

ZX7R

The only thing I could say is the longer a person leaves starting a relationship the harder it is for them to break old habits that build over time,I see it in many of my friends relationship's they argue because one or both find it hard to adjust to the fact there is give and take in every relationship.
Don't loose fate enjoy your life, your time will come

TheBoyConor

You mean like staying single too long I'd get set in my ways?
Tbh I feel like i am kinda set in my ways as it is over the past 2 years becuase I'm in a groove that I like and that gives me plenty social life and adventures and moving out of that into a relationship just doesn't seem attractive to me. And I suspect that in early thirties a woman is quite likely to be a fast mover in the sense that they will move quickly onto things like "what are we?" , " lets move in", "lets marry", "BABIES!" and it is just a way of life I can't and don't really want to get myself into now, if at all.

I just feel that the well intentioned and throwaway comments being made at me sort of assuming that if I don't want that then I must be gay sort of way.

And lol, "Tiochfaidh mo lá"

JeffKenna

On the other hand you could meet someone who adds to your social life and adventures... relationships don't necessarily have to take from your life if you meet the right person.

TomSweeney

Stay single OP - seriously, everyone I know that is single is so happy and free.

ZX7R

TheBoyConor wrote: »

You mean like staying single too long I'd get set in my ways?
Tbh I feel like i am kinda set in my ways as it is over the past 2 years becuase I'm in a groove that I like and that gives me plenty social life and adventures and moving out of that into a relationship just doesn't seem attractive to me. And I suspect that in early thirties a woman is quite likely to be a fast mover in the sense that they will move quickly onto things like "what are we?" , " lets move in", "lets marry", "BABIES!" and it is just a way of life I can't and don't really want to get myself into now, if at all.

I just feel that the well intentioned and throwaway comments being made at me sort of assuming that if I don't want that then I must be gay sort of way.

And lol, "Tiochfaidh mo lá"

Had to tell about women if there quick mover's or not they were 10 year's ago when I met my other half, she moved in with with me after 6 weeks and married in less than a year.
It wasn't a shotgun wedding 😀

ginandtonicsky

That's a large part of your formative years that you've spent in relationships. I think it's totally understandable that you've been enjoying reclaiming your single life again, getting to know yourself, discovering new interests and building a social circle away from your previous relationships.

I think your problem is more a case of the people around you and societal expectations than you yourself. Ireland is still very traditional in the married-by-30, babies-by-32 sense and I can understand how you're getting antsy about the questions and raised eyebrows and being made to feel like you're abnormal or even "gay" (eye roll, jesus christ)

I'm a similar age, relatively recently single and feel the same as you. Yes I want to settle down with the right person, but no I don't want to right now. It's not the right time, I'm not in the head space to meet someone new yet. Yes that makes me stand out like a sore thumb in my peer group who are all marrying, babying, mortgaging and all that stuff. But hey ho, it's my life and I have to do what's right for me.

So in summary, you may be an anomaly in your own peer group because of the way Irish society is set up. But that doesn't make you weird or wrong or mean you have to change your ways to make other people happy. Do what feels right. And don't settle into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Your life is worth more than that.

messy tessy

TheBoyConor wrote: »

And I suspect that in early thirties a woman is quite likely to be a fast mover in the sense that they will move quickly onto things like "what are we?" , " lets move in", "lets marry", "BABIES!" and it is just a way of life I can't and don't really want to get myself into now, if at all

Not every woman of 'child bearing age' wants kids!! I am in my early thirties and while I adore my nieces and nephews, I literally couldn't see myself having any.

In fact the majority of my girlfriend's are of a similar mindset...focused on getting a mortgage, getting promoted in work and travelling.
I've had to listen to comments like 'when are you going to give us a big day out' for years now, but just laugh it off at this stage! Really if you are happy in life I wouldn't let comments like this bother me.

TheBoyConor

One thing in particular is that I find the gay comments really annoy me and the thing is my family are rural and a majority of my friends would be from rural areas but now living and working in Cork and I feel I'd really hate for this rumour to go around. A majority of my friends also happen to be girls so I feel this plays into the rumour and people will add 2 and 2 and get 22.

It's not even the marriage, move in and baby thing per se. I don't even have an appetite for just a girlfriend even. Like sometimes I think, oh what would it be like to be in a relationship again might it be good, but then I keep thinking of how other things in my life would have to change for the worse to accomodate that, ie more restricted social life, probably not being able to see my female friends as much and as for trips away which we sometimes do - that would have to end.

Like I have 2 very close friends and I was chatting with one one time and we were saying "imagine if I had a gf - we wouldn't be able to hang out one-to-one at eachother's places like this anymore - jesus, no" we said.

TheBoyConor

TheBoyConor wrote: »

One thing in particular is that I find the gay comments really annoy me and the thing is my family are rural and a majority of my friends would be from rural areas but now living and working in Cork and I feel I'd really hate for this rumour to go around. A majority of my friends also happen to be girls so I feel this plays into the rumour and people will add 2 and 2 and get 22.

Probably best to stay single then I’d say if that’s all that’s bothering you........

rainbowtrout

If you're happy single, then stay single. But honestly, I'm surprised you're 32. From the tone of your posts here in the last few months I thought you were 19 or 20 max.

SozBbz

OP you seem to have the impression that getting into a relationship is automatically a negative, life limiting scenario. I assume this is because the relationships you've been in in the past have caused you to feel that way. I think you need to examine that thought process though, because its fundamentally flawed. 
You referred to not being able to spend time with friends as easily as you do now or having to ask for permission to do things. This is not my experience in my current relationship, which i entered into in my late 20's. I probably was a bit guilty of some of this when I was in my late teens/early 20's but that was due to immaturity, and I think most people learn this lesson.
Myself and my OH see our friends as much as we like - granted in your 30's its common for everyone to see their friends less than they once would have, as families etc start to take priority and everyone gets so busy, but thats more a matter of scheduling than asking for permission. 
Also, I absolutely consider my partner when I decide to do something, but thats because I chose to be with him and treat him as I would like to be treated. Like, if I decide to use my annual leave doing something without him, that might mean that we can't take a holiday together that year, so I would probably discuss it before doing it, but its always just a discussion, not a matter of asking permission. In reality its negotiation and compromise, not one person cow towing to the other. We spend time together because we want to, not just because we should.
When you find someone who you want to be with, who compliments your life instead of taking it over, you'll happily give that person some of your free time. Forcing relationships with girls you happen to know just for the sake of being in a relationship at a certain age is a recipe for disaster, and don't mind the idle talk of those around you.

TheBoyConor

Thanks.

OP you seem to have the impression that getting into a relationship is automatically a negative, life limiting scenario. I assume this is because the relationships you've been in in the past have caused you to feel that way. I think you need to examine that thought process though, because its fundamentally flawed.

There is some truth in that. The first relationship was certainly toxic in the extreme and very much life limiting in the last 2 years until I decided enough was enough. The second shorter relationship was grand really but say if I wanted to go on hols with my best friend she would be outwardly OK with it and wish me a good trip but I could sense she secretly frowned upon it and would've preferred I didn't go on hols that didn't involve her. Towards the end if I wanted to do things without her it was no problem at all - it was all "fine" and she "would never stop me from doing anything" and I could "do whatever wanted". All said with smiles and hugs but with a passive aggressive undercurrent.

Like definitely not, I would not have any intention of entering a serious relationship just to appease third parties or to quell rumours. That would be a terrible idea.

I don't know did you get the impression that i am trying to force a relationship on any of my female friends, did you? The answer to that is a definite no. I enjoy their company as friends and just that.

But I do find it interesting that a previous poster said I was an anomaly at my age since I'm tending towards avoiding serious relationships rather than wanting to get into one in contrast to many of my peers.
I agree that this is probably due to spending so many years in a relationship and never really being single as an adult until 2 years ago.

At this point in my life, I value my independence and tbh I feel i would resent having to make compromises for the sake of a relationship. And that's fine. That's what suits me and I am hapy with that.

But does this constitute a commitment problem?

Wanderer2010

OP, im in my mid 30s and have been single a long time now and im absolutely loving my life that way. I know in Ireland you usually get the nosy questions like when are you giving us a day out etc but that's often down to pure jealousy of someone who isn't tied down to kids and a husband or wife, lots of sly little digs from people who claim to be interested in you but its just a smokescreen for their own insecurity.
To posit an alternative view, who is to say you will be happy in a relationship? Lots of miserable people out there who hate their partners or in laws or resent being controlled etc, that's not being negative just realistic. The grass definitely isn't greener and if you enjoy being single whats wrong with that? 32 is still extremely young.

professore

Sounds like you are enjoying being single. More power to you I say. I know lots of happily single men and women your age. Who cares what other people say? They don't have to put up with the consequences of following their advice to you.

Emme

OP if you're male you can be single for pretty much as long as you like and you will have no trouble finding women for at least 20 years. It's up to you what you want to do but don't waste any more women's time. If you don't want a committed relationship be upfront at the start and say so. Women who want that won't stick around but you will have no trouble finding women anyway.

Men have it so easy.

messy tessy

Emme wrote: »

OP if you're male you can be single for pretty much as long as you like and you will have no trouble finding women for at least 20 years....Men have it so easy.

This is categorically untrue.

Emme

messy tessy wrote: »

This is categorically untrue.

I agree that men don't have it easy finding women in their teens and twenties but from 30-50 it's a breeze for most. After that it's up to the man himself depending on how he has looked after himself. Men can be highly sought after at any age but for women it gets more difficult after the late 20s.

loalae

Hi OP,

My advice would be to stay single (or at least stay casual) until you meet someone who doesn't make relationship feel like a chore. You'll only reinforce your impression that relationships are things that impose unwanted restrictions on you. When you feel you want to commit to somebody you won't mind the restrictions such as staying faithful, spending your free time with them, and negotiating where to go on hoiday and with whom. You may actually want the 'restrictions' as it will make you feel like yous are a unit.

It's not a commitment problem unless you're unhappy. If you're happy single, stay single.

You might want to go to a couple of sessions of counselling to talk through your previous relationships or talk to a friend who is a good listener.
I'm not suggesting that there's anything wrong with your thought process but it can be helpful to talk to a neutral person who may be able to help you put stuff into perspective. It sounds like the women you were with before made you feel that they were trying to control you and it could be having a negative effect on how you view women and relationships in the future.

I wouldn't worry about age either. Do whatever you need to do to be happy, grow as a person, and enjoy the one life you have.

QueenRizla

TheBoyConor wrote: »

One thing in particular is that I find the gay comments really annoy me and the thing is my family are rural and a majority of my friends would be from rural areas but now living and working in Cork and I feel I'd really hate for this rumour to go around.

How old are these people? I am struggling to believe your friends and family are commenting to you that you are gay. Are they really immature or ignorant? You’ve been in two long term relationships with women I presume, they know this?

TheBoyConor

The asking had I a gf was from mother and sister who can sometimes be old fashioned in their views.

But the gay questions were from female friends and acquaintances in late 20s early 30s.

alibab

Emme wrote: »

I agree that men don't have it easy finding women in their teens and twenties but from 30-50 it's a breeze for most. After that it's up to the man himself depending on how he has looked after himself. Men can be highly sought after at any age but for women it gets more difficult after the late 20s.

I am 43 year old female and no problem what so ever getting dates or a relationship. Also lots of men my age single etc and they have no issues dating either . It’s finding the right person same as every other age group dating . Times have changed . I have a third date tonight .

Lux23

TheBoyConor wrote: »

The asking had I a gf was from mother and sister who can sometimes be old fashioned in their views.

But the gay questions were from female friends and acquaintances in late 20s early 30s.

Do you think you might be gay?

TheBoyConor

No I'm not gay.

Like I can recognise a good looking guy aswell as I can recognise a good looking girl but I don't think that counts as gay because I'd never want to do anything physical with them at all.

Like I'm into fitness so I sometimes would look at a guy and say to myself oh yeah he looks very fit our strong, he must do weights or whatever but it's not a sexual thing, I just notice it because I'm into fitness and gym also. I'd notice the same with girls tho.
I don't think that is gay, it's just noticing people.

Sometimes when hanging out with some of my closest female friends tho, we would talk about which guys we know and whether they fancy them or consider them "rams" as they call them 😂.
Like it's probably a bit of an unusual type of conversation for a guy to be involved in but it's just the way our friendships have evolved. I would never be "into" aby the guys mentioned not am I attracted to them sexually.

I've had two previous gfs and have had brief casual flings with several others. Never anything with guys, not would I want to.