Having a child with non-national partner

LegacyUser

Hi,

My partner and I have been together for over 5 years and are thinking of having a baby. My partner is not from Ireland, has been here around 10 years, and I am Irish with family here.

My concern is that she doesn't have any family here and we don't live where we might have any immediate support from my friends and family - something which is important for a woman when she has a child.

I guess I'm worried that she'll end up going back to her family, as she might feel it would be better to rear him/her there. Her family may also persuade her of that too.

I don't know if I'm being pragmatic or neurotic. Does anyone have experience with these kind of situations?

otnomart

It depends: if her family lives in Western Europe and only a 2-3 hours flight away, maybe her mum or sister or close friend can come over for the birth and in case it gets all too much. She can also visit her family with the baby several times during the year.

Big Bag of Chips

She's the only one who can answer whether or not she's likely to want to go back to family after the baby is born. But that is something you both obviously need to discuss before you start trying for a baby.

Loads of people have families without having family close by. Having family close by can be a benefit, if they are good to help out. But its not a necessity. And if you are a good father then you obviously will always be her main source of support anyway.

LirW

I'm non-Irish and have a child with my Irish partner, very early on when moving together we made our positions on moving back-forth clear. We now live 1,5h drive from his parents, the only real support we have. It's not bad to be honest, we are quite used to it at this stage and don't really think of the what if's and I also don't have the urge of going back to my family because I like where I am.

But obviously, this requires communication, communication and more communication.

leggo

Like you’re right to use big moments and decisions like this to take a step back and evaluate everything with fresh eyes. Have you got any reason to feel this way? Has your partner said anything about wanting to move home or seemed slightly off when you’ve discussed it? What’s your plan been for raising the child when you discussed it with the situation the way it is?

Every couple of months, you’ll see a thread with this exact issue coming up only after the baby has been born. So you’re better off dealing with the hard questions now and moving forward in whatever direction based on what comes of it. It’s not neurotic, it’s intelligent.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you open to moving to her country if she decides to move home?

rainbowtrout

temp-user wrote: »

I guess I'm worried that she'll end up going back to her family, as she might feel it would be better to rear him/her there. Her family may also persuade her of that too.

Have you actually discussed any of this with her? Lots of people live away from their families even within the same country. You are together 5 years, have you discussed living in her home country, has she ever suggested that she would like to move home eventually, have you discussed having children with her, and how/where you would like to raise them? Not all women want to move home to their families, only she can answer that question.

shesty

No, you are dead right to be thinking about this now.Discuss it with her. And keep the lines of communication open.Becoming a mother is a huge thing, and can be very overwhelming, and yes, many women turn to their own mothers for help (I do myself).So definitely discuss it.