Mother of his Child

LegacyUser

Just looking for a little advice. I've been dating a guy for 4.5 months. He has a 3 year old son who I have met a couple times. He was distant lately and we had a long chat. He finds it very tough to hand back his son for the days that the ex has him and I've seen him (my bf) get quite upset. His ex (the mother of his son) has recently asked him if they could try again. He assures me that he doesn't have feelings for her but he says he is considering it simply because he would then have 24/7 access to his son. Obviously I'm trying and I do understand what it would mean to him to have his son all the time but I'm also deeply hurt. This is still new for us but I'm completely in love with him. And now I'm just hanging here in limbo while he decides and its bringing out all my insecurities. What do I do?

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't necessarily believe everything that he says. Lots of parents separate. Lots of Dads have to hand back their kids after spending a nice day with them. Getting back with his child's mother if he has no interest in her whatsoever is only going up lead to them breaking up again. Are you sure he has no feelings for her?

He could apply for joint custody, so he would have his child more often. He could see his child more often in the evenings, stay to to put him to bed and then leave etc.

I think of you've been seeing someone for 4 and a half months and he's telling you he's thinking of getting back with his ex, then it might be time to say "See ya".

Sounds like he's not exactly ready for a relationship yet.

How long are they broken up?

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I wouldn't necessarily believe everything that he says. Are you sure he has no feelings for her?

I do believe him on this. I know how much it would mean to him to have his son all the time so if he also had feelings for her I know he would have jumped at the chance the minute she suggested it.

I don't want to go into too much detail in case I identify myself but to him being in a "family" would hold more meaning that it would to a lot of people. He did say that he doesn't want to get back with her and that it would never work out between them. But he is just torn over whether to suck it up for the sake of his son.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He could apply for joint custody, so he would have his child more often.
How long are they broken up?

He already has his son 50% of the week as agreed between him and the mother. I think he is afraid that she will make things difficult for him if he turns her down.

They are broken up almost two years now.

I know it sounds like I'm making excuse for him but I'm just trying to see it from his perspective. If there was no child involved then I know he wouldn't even be in contact with the mother at all.

Big Bag of Chips

Well I think then he needs to realise that sometimes life sucks, and he can't always have what he wants. His ex has asked him if they could try again. She didn't ask him to move back in and live together, separately as joint parents. She asked him to be in a relationship with her, and that is what she will expect if he agrees. If he has zero interest in being in a relationship then he needs to make it clear to her that they would be living together as housemates, rather than a couple.

If he keeps a record of everything, how often he has his son, maintenance paid, then he can go to court and apply officially for joint custody if she decides to make things difficult for him.

By the way, you said you are stuck in limbo while you wait for him to decide. Why not decide yourself? Remove yourself from the situation and tell him he knows where you are when he has decided. It sounds like you're in danger of becoming "the other woman" while he attempts to play happy families with his ex.

Will he just live with her, or does he intend moving back in and having a sexual relationship with her? Or will be move in with her, and have a sexual relationship with you?

Kidchameleon

Its possible that his ex's suggestion is as a result of his relationship with you. If he gets back with her knowing he has no feelings, he will do a ton of damage to his son in the long run. If I were you OP I'd be out the door for the simple fact that he is even considereing it

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

By the way, you said you are stuck in limbo while you wait for him to decide. Why not decide yourself? Remove yourself from the situation and tell him he knows where you are when he has decided. It sounds like you're in danger of becoming "the other woman" while he attempts to play happy families with his ex.

Will he just live with her, or does he intend moving back in and having a sexual relationship with her? Or will be move in with her, and have a sexual relationship with you?

I have removed myself. I told him that I can't be with him until he's made his decision. But that doesn't mean that I'm not torn up over this - it just means that he doesn't know how hard I'm finding this. I'm trying to guess what his decision will be and its eating me up. I want to stay in contact because I miss him but I also want to ignore him so he'll realise how much he misses me. I'm turning into the kind of person I used to be when I was young and insecure and I don't like this side of me.

She has suggested a relationship and he has said that all he'll consider is "housemates" but personally I wouldn't ever be comfortable with that. If they are living in the same house and co-parenting whether or not they are having a sexual relationship, I won't be in the picture at all.

LegacyUser

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Its possible that his ex's suggestion is as a result of his relationship with you.

That did occur to me. It would seem a very big coincidence that shortly after we become "official" and I meet his family (who are very close to her) she suddenly wants to try again. I also suspect that if they do "try again" she will accidentally be pregnant fairly quickly. If he will take her back for the sake of one kid then she will definitely feel safe in her relationship once she has two kids with him. But maybe that is just me being bitchy because I'm hurting.

leggo

This is a pretty modern problem and the issue with that is there's no accepted 'right way' to deal with it yet, so you can be made to feel like you're being unreasonable when you're not because there's no accepted norm that you can point to. I know because I've had my own issues dating single parents that I've spoken about here in the past.

For what it's worth, from experience I don't think a single parent is ready to date until their baby momma/daddy drama is fully sorted out and it's really selfish/naive to try. They should have their ducks in a row regarding access, being able to be civil and co-parent, or if the ex is difficult they should at least have established some boundaries for the sake of the child before anyone else is even taken into consideration. Yes they'll feel lonely, but that's not their problem to pass onto others. They're responsible for their own lives and if they're not ready for a proper relationship, whether they realise it or not they're being selfish to ask someone (who'll often be powerless to do anything) to share their mess.

This guy isn't ready to date OP. His situation is not conducive to bringing someone else in, as much for his child's sake above what any of you want. I think you've done the right thing in backing off. If I was you, I'd go one further and finish the relationship, at least for now. Let yourself completely emotionally detach from it and get some perspective (which you won't get while you're in limbo here), and give him time to sort his **** out. If he gets it sorted out down the line and you're still single? Then look at it again with fresh eyes. But you've run into a wall and it's not as simple as him just making a 'choice'. He has to be accepting of the situation that the relationship is broken up forever (if indeed it is), he only gets to see his child half the time now and he needs to make his peace with that and build a life that can facilitate another person happily and easily before letting one in. That's a process that can take months (years for some) and not something he can just make a decision about overnight.

This COA would be tough on you short-term, but it's the smart play and possibly the only decision you can make that you definitely won't regret.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

... from experience I don't think a single parent is ready to date until their baby momma/daddy drama is fully sorted out and it's really selfish/naive to try.

Thanks for all the advice. I genuinely thought that everything had been resolved - they had an amicable arrangement re sharing their son and they had both moved on as far as I was aware. It wasn't like they split up out of the blue; their relationship was rocky from the start and they only tried to make it work in the first place because they were having a baby. It's the first time I've dated a single father so maybe I've been a little naïve.

homerjay2005

50% access is great going for a single father in ireland, most only get 1 day max, alot only get 2-4 hours.

if he is that upset (and he is entitled to) over not seeing the kid more, then OP its not likely to change and it will always be a problem for him and ultimately you.

wiggle16

OP, if he's considering getting back with his former partner, then the reason isn't really relevant. The point is that he's not sure if he wants to be with you, because he has been offered a different option. If it were me, I would consider the relationship over - I wouldn't be trying to convince someone to be with me or mull it over as to whether I'm the better choice or not. I'm sure he doesn't mean it, but it is very hurtful.

It is a REALLY bad idea and he would be getting back with her for the wrong reasons, but thats not your concern. His reasons are irrelevant, he is saying he's thinking of getting back with his ex while already in a relationship with you.

I would have to say goodbye and good luck with no hard feelings to him if I were you. And I think that's what you should do tbh.

wiggle16

I forgot to add: that housemates arrangement is mad and you'd be mad to agree to it. I would sincerely doubt the ex has that in mind and holding the little boy out as a carrot to lure him back to her.

In addition, assuming you ever want to, what happens down the line if and when you want to have a child of your own with him?

I would be long gone OP. Let them play house by themselves.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

I forgot to add: that housemates arrangement is mad and you'd be mad to agree to it. I would sincerely doubt the ex has that in mind and holding the little boy out as a carrot to lure him back to her..

Oh I have made that very clear. I would never accept that kind of an arrangement. If we are to have any chance of a relationship then he needs to make his mind up 100% and then draw a very firm line under the whole situation and make sure the ex understands that the decision is final.

LegacyUser

I think a lot of my hurt is because it seems to be expected that because there is a child involved I should just suck it up, not be hurt, be understanding, be patient, accept being treated as an option, etc. In any other situation, I'd never tolerate a guy treating me as an option and choosing between me and another girl - I'd make that decision for him.

Plus (from my viewpoint) being considered as an option against a girl who appears to be using her son as leverage to get a guy that she must know by now has no interest in her is extra insulting.

leggo

Decision-Time wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. I genuinely thought that everything had been resolved - they had an amicable arrangement re sharing their son and they had both moved on as far as I was aware. It wasn't like they split up out of the blue; their relationship was rocky from the start and they only tried to make it work in the first place because they were having a baby. It's the first time I've dated a single father so maybe I've been a little naïve.

OP for the record I was calling single parents naive for trying rather than anyone who dates them. I don't think you've been naive here, you only know what you've been told and if he tells you it's fine from the get-go, then you can only go on that. Whereas he's been irresponsible getting into a situation with you when he doesn't seem to have gotten as far to fully come to terms with the fact that breaking up will mean he'll have his kids less. He's just at the beginning of this process if that's where his head is at.

Emme

OP walk away. Why should you get involved in this headwreck? This guy is not available for a relationship, he isn't man enough to cut ties properly with his ex.

heretothere

Regardless of his reasoning for having to consider staying with you or going back to his ex I think you should leave. If it was for any other reason he was considering between you and the ex would you even have questioned it?

If he is considering her, his head and heart are not invested in your relationship. Sorry if that sounds really harsh.

strandroad

Decision-Time wrote: »

I think a lot of my hurt is because it seems to be expected that because there is a child involved I should just suck it up, not be hurt, be understanding, be patient, accept being treated as an option, etc.

Please don't fall for that kind of thinking. Yes, a new partner needs to take a backseat often when there is a child around, but it's with regards to things like parenting, scheduling, holidays etc., not getting together with an ex!

Decision-Time wrote: »

In any other situation, I'd never tolerate a guy treating me as an option and choosing between me and another girl - I'd make that decision for him.

Your instincts are right. I would back off from this relationship. You are clearly not valued if he can dither between you like that and lay it out in the open for you. What exactly does he expect you to do now? Just wait, and then politely accept his choice?

LegacyUser

He sounds very immature and selfish and I would be ending it now.

Who would that situation even be good for? If the ex wants to try again then does he think it's ok to lead her on? He might have said it may be a housemate situation only, but if she has feelings for him perhaps she would agree to that in the hopes a relationship would come of it.

How is it good for the child? Why in the name of God would he want to expose his child to living within a dysfunctional household on purpose? They have broke free from each other, which was in the childs best interest and is the hardest part for most couples, it is completely ridiculous and just downright stupid to willingly walk back into a situation like that and will not benefit the child at all.

He sounds like he's trying to play the martyr! and to be honest I don't buy what he's saying at all because the situation is so ridiculous.

s7ryf3925pivug

You're not as important as his kid. You're not as important as the mother of his kid, regardless of whether he cares about her outside of that or not.

She's not using their kid as leverage. That is a weird thing to say. If she was going to do something like that he wouldn't have apparently hassle free 50% custody.

Don't think you should date someone with a kid. Think you should have a realistic idea of what sort of emotional investment to expect in a few months from anyone, kid or not.

Purple Mountain

Sorry OP but it sounds like they deserve each other.
She's a manipulative jealous human and he's treating you like a door mat.
I'd by driving away at 100km not looking in the rear view.

.......

Run away.

This guy isnt in a position to be in a relationship with you, he is not emotionally available.

heretothere

Chaya Faint Paperback wrote: »

You're not as important as his kid. You're not as important as the mother of his kid, regardless of whether he cares about her outside of that or not.

She's not using their kid as leverage. That is a weird thing to say. If she was going to do something like that he wouldn't have apparently hassle free 50% custody.

Don't think you should date someone with a kid. Think you should have a realistic idea of what sort of emotional investment to expect in a few months from anyone, kid or not.

What? Fair enough if a person has a child that child comes first. But she really shouldn't feel like she has to stick around to see if her boyfriend decides to stay with her or move back in with his ex.

Plenty of people have amicable relationships with the mother/father of their child, but if they are emotionally 'over' them they wouldn't be entertaining the idea of moving back in with them.