I was the other woman

LegacyUser

Five years ago, I was the other woman. One day I got fed up of being second best and I blanked him.

I always thought of him but I wasn't going to be second best so I moved on with my life.

I done a google search for him lately and I found out that he has in fact moved on. He has a place of his own now and I found out that he's renting a room to a student.

I don't know if me blanking him made him get his ass in gear but it's been five years, so was I all that much to take five years?

He changed his number since then. He has his new number on the advert. But then if he thought of me in the same way he would have gotten in touch.

Is this something I should forget?

Big Bag of Chips

He didn't leave his wife for you at the time. And even after he left her (or she left him) he still wasn't too bothered about being in a full proper relationship with you.

It is probably best to keep reminding yourself that you were always only second best. He could have found you if he wanted to. He didn't want to.

wiggle16

With respect OP, whatever happened between him and his wife, it's safe to assume it wasn't about you.

He didn't leave her for you. He didn't chase you when you left. He didn't come looking for you when his marriage ended. And it's been 5 years. That 5 years has nothing to do with you and it's unlikely that you made him get in gear. It might be a bit of a boost and pique your interest to consider that you had that effect, it might for anyone - but you have no idea what happened in the interim.

It was obviously a big deal to you at the time, but it probably wasn't to him. For all you know his marriage ended over another "other" woman.

You know what was happening in his life while you were in it up til you left. After that, you don't know anything, so don't go filling in the blanks.

Forget about it and do not waste your energy.

Heartbrokenlol

Coming from the perspective of the wife in that situation I think you have a nerve to even feel the slightest bit sorry for yourself. You got fed up being second best? How do you think his wife felt?
I'm genuinely curious as to what goes through a woman's mind when she pursues a 'relationship' with a married man. He has responsibility no doubt but so do you.
Seriously get over yourself and I'm being polite about that. Focus on being healthy.

never_mind

I’m probably going to be unpopular for this but why not just go and contact him? What’s there to lose?

Edgware

forgetthepast wrote: »

Five years ago, I was the other woman. One day I got fed up of being second best and I blanked him.

I always thought of him but I wasn't going to be second best so I moved on with my life.

I done a google search for him lately and I found out that he has in fact moved on. He has a place of his own now and I found out that he's renting a room to a student.

I don't know if me blanking him made him get his ass in gear but it's been five years, so was I all that much to take five years?

He changed his number since then. He has his new number on the advert. But then if he thought of me in the same way he would have gotten in touch.

Is this something I should forget?

What does it take for you to get the message that he has made his choice and you lost?

never_mind

Edgware wrote: »

What does it take for you to get the message that he has made his choice and you lost?

She left him - that’s just mean like!

redshoes15

You most likely were not the only ‘other woman’. A cheat, be it male or female, doesn’t normally stop at one. Move on with your life, he clearly has. My sympathies go to his wife and I hope there were no children involved who may have been severely damaged by your actions and those of your former lover.

beertons

Go for it. He might not be divorced yet though.

ConnyMcDavid

Do not get in touch with him. He hasn't made contact with you and has changed his number. How more black and white could it be?

ted1

Go for it, all to gain nothing to lose.

JackTaylorFan

Forgive the crudeness, but it sounds like you were "any port in a storm" to him. I would imagine, like others have said you were not the only one either. Men who cheat are working with a limited number of women, usually with low self-esteem, who will actually put up with that **** - being second best. If he has been free and single all this time and has made no effort to contact you, I would take it as read you were just another someone he used and abused.

seanrambo87

JackTaylorFan wrote:

Forgive the crudeness, but it sounds like you were "any port in a storm" to him. I would imagine, like others have said you were not the only one either. Men who cheat are working with a limited number of women, usually with low self-esteem, who will actually put up with that **** - being second best. If he has been free and single all this time and has made no effort to contact you, I would take it as read you were just another someone he used and abused.

I thanked your post, but I wouldn't say she was any port in a storm, she was definitely used but some fellas are like that, they may have a couple of women on the go, its not because they think less of a woman I reckon it's because of their own insecurity

JackTaylorFan

seanrambo87 wrote: »

I thanked your post, but I wouldn't say she was any port in a storm, she was definitely used but some fellas are like that, they may have a couple of women on the go, its not because they think less of a woman I reckon it's because of their own insecurity

Insecurity? What?

Selfishness, more like.

Having a few women on the go is pretty disrespectful - sadly, I know a few women desperate enough to put up with it. Now, they are definitely insecure - and exactly the type cheaters (of all genders) prey on.

I get that cheating is usually a late onset symptom that something is very wrong in a relationship, but it's still selfishness to emotionally or physically get involved with someone outside of that relationship - and treat them as second best.

seanrambo87

JackTaylorFan wrote:

Having a few women on the go is pretty disrespectful - sadly, I know a few women desperate enough to put up with it. Now, they are definitely insecure - and exactly the type cheaters (of all genders) prey on.

Insecurity, selfishness, kind of interchangeable, being honest, I really am

JackTaylorFan

seanrambo87 wrote: »

Insecurity, selfishness, kind of interchangeable, being honest, I really am

Fair enough, if that's how you see it. Insecurity is not a mitigating factor for the behaviour though.

ted1

ConnyMcDavid wrote: »

Do not get in touch with him. He hasn't made contact with you and has changed his number. How more black and white could it be?

Changing his number number is irrelevant and more then likely to do with the ex rather then the op. So it’s not black and white.

pauliebdub

The fact that he changed his number suggests that there were many women he got involved with not just you. I don't believe men like that have enough self respect to ever remain faithful. Even If you contacted him and rekindled what you had he's pretty much guaranteed to cheat.

You need to look at yourself and try and figure out why you would ever want to get involved with a married man in the first place and take steps to fix it.

ted1

pauliebdub wrote: »

The fact that he changed his number suggests that there were many women he got involved with not just you. I don't believe men like that have enough self respect to ever remain faithful. Even If you contacted him and rekindled what you had he's pretty much guaranteed to cheat.

You need to look at yourself and try and figure out why you would ever want to get involved with a married man in the first place and take steps to fix it.

That’s a lot of conclusions to jump too.
I changed my number when I changed jobs, Are you suggesting that I had cheated with many women ?
I know several people who change number due to billing issues with mobile providers, are you suggesting they cheated with many women?
I know several people who changed their number after breaking up with psycho exes, arevyiu suggesting that they cheated with several women ?

Big Bag of Chips

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NightStone

Sounds like you need closure for yourself in a way .
Contact him you have nothing to lose .
There is no point in anyone judging anyone's actions .
Only breeds ill-will and negativity

LegacyUser

You blanked him for a reason; because you weren't happy with him.

Cheaters lie. They offer the earth, sun, moon and the stars but when it comes to delivery they can't or they won't act on it. Its because they want it all. They want the perfect wife at home to serve their needs and they want their piece on the side.

You googled him and afterwards with the new information you have on him, you thought back to your time with him. You are putting weight in his words from your old relationship. I don't know what you have to gain by contacting him after so much time has passed. You don't know what has happened in his life since you left. Can you be sure he even left his wife? Some people lead a double life.

Someone wrote, sounds like you need closure, contact him, you have nothing to lose.

I don't agree with that. Closure comes from within. Not from someone else. You were a piece on the side for him. There was nothing more to your relationship. If you need closure after 5 years has lapsed, you should be calling a counselor and not the cheat of a man you were with.

Also, him changing his number could suggest he ran into trouble somewhere with his wife or other women.

um7y1h83ge06nx

You have nothing to lose, why not contact him. I have heard of stranger situations that brought people together.

LegacyUser

The op has a lot to lose by contacting him. It didn't work the first time, I doubt it's going to work again. The two of them were looking for different things from their relationship. The op wanted more than what her man cheat was willing to give her. Come on like, 5 years has passed now. Some things are worth leaving behind in the past and not worth revisiting or digging up. If he wanted the op, he would have made it happen by now. If he wanted the op to have his new number, that would have happened too. Honestly, the only thing that man wants is to make a fool out from his wife and other women. What sort of a man is that?

The op found his new number from googling him and to be honest, that would constitute as stalking. He doesn't want to hear from her otherwise, she would have his new number and given directly by him. It will be completely hair-raising for him to receiving a call or texts on his new number from the op.

What if he was to rein the op in again and spit her out again?

orthsquel

It's five years and you've moved on in your own life OP, hopefully to better things and healthier, positive relationships. What good could to do for you, to in any way think of him or even contact him as others have suggested? You're probably not the same you as five years ago. Do you really want to turn back any progress you have made in your own life? Do you really want to put yourself back with a person who lied and cheated and did a lot wrong to others and will probably fill you with notions of fairy tales and "poor me" sob stories?

If had wanted to contact you, he would have kept your number and contacted you. He didn't. I would suppose that if you contacted him, you'd be setting yourself up for something that might not be what you are hoping for.

Forget about him and continuing moving on with your own life.

skallywag

OP, I would not read much into the fact that he has a new number five years later.

Plenty of people I know have new numbers now compared to five years ago, and for several different reasons.

I would also not necessarily worry about contacting him via a channel that you found when you Googled him. It's not stalking as some have classed it, it's the way that the world turns these days. In the old days if you were looking for someone's contact details you would open a phone book, if you want to do so these days you use Google. I see nothing wrong with that.

All that said though, I don't really see how anything positive will come out of contacting him for you, in fact you could very likely be leaving yourself open to more pain in the future.

If it was me I'd let this one go.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I was in your position a few years ago. I’m going to keep this very vague for anonymity purposes.

I dated the person in question years ago. They ended it back then.
Fast forward a good few years and I was still thinking about them.
They have been in a long term relationship since we ended all those years ago (started whilst we were still together).
I suspected cheating when we were together.

We ended up texting for a few months a couple of years ago and then hooked up. This went on for months. All the while they were maintaining “normal life†with their other half.
The person even started saying they wanted more with me. I had no interest because it was very clear to me that if they were cheating on their current other half then my suspicions were correct from when we were together.

Anyway, we both ended the affair mutually & haven't spoken since.
I still think of them.
BUT, I know that I could never trust a person like that & it was more of a fantasy thing.
Their other half never found out & they are still with them.

These types of people cannot be trusted.
I know it probably feels really tempting to message them but imagine you are the other woman.
Imagine you do start something up and for whatever reason your man gets curious.

It’s best left in the vault with the good memories that you have.

The reality of life with someone outside of an affair is NEVER what it’s like inside an affair.
Affairs are exciting & drama filled.

Lastly, I think it might be a little bit inappropriate to message him via a number you found on an advert.
If he wanted you to have his new number he would contact you.

If you really want to message him because your curiosity is out of control then maybe try email / fb. At least he has the opportunity to ignore it if he wants & you can avoid an awkward situation if you were to message him on a number you found on the net.
Good luck

professore

To be honest I don't think you have moved on with your life - if you had, why would you be pining after him five years later?

The real question is why you are attracted to this toxic man. He obviously didn't care in the least about you, otherwise he'd have looked you up before now. Surely there must be at least one single decent man out there?

I know a few women like you and they are all miserable and in disastrous situations. It would be good for you to get some therapy before you end up like one of them.

ginandtonicsky

pauliebdub wrote: »

You need to look at yourself and try and figure out why you would ever want to get involved with a married man in the first place and take steps to fix it.

And more importantly, why you're still thinking about it and him five years later. Why are you drawn to such toxic relationships where there's no trust and you are not your partner's priority but rather his bit on the side? Can you say that most of your relationships have been healthy and happy, or is this something of a pattern for you?

con___manx1

ted1 wrote: »

That’s a lot of conclusions to jump too.
I changed my number when I changed jobs, Are you suggesting that I had cheated with many women ?
I know several people who change number due to billing issues with mobile providers, are you suggesting they cheated with many women?
I know several people who changed their number after breaking up with psycho exes, arevyiu suggesting that they cheated with several women ?

You can block numbers on your phone. Go to the app store and get one of the call block apps. if you hear of many more people that wants to change there number just tell them not to bother.

skallywag

con___manx1 wrote: »

if you hear of many more people that wants to change there number just tell them not to bother.

That's all fine for blocking calls from a known number, but it's useless for the same person contacting you from a different number.

ted1

con___manx1 wrote: »

ted1 wrote: »

That’s a lot of conclusions to jump too.
I changed my number when I changed jobs, Are you suggesting that I had cheated with many women ?
I know several people who change number due to billing issues with mobile providers, are you suggesting they cheated with many women?
I know several people who changed their number after breaking up with psycho exes, arevyiu suggesting that they cheated with several women ?

You can block numbers on your phone. Go to the app store and get one of the call block apps. if you hear of many more people that wants to change there number just tell them not to bother.

And what about the other two reasons I mentioned?

LolaJJ

You don't know for certain that he left his wife. It's quite possible you were one of many "other women" and his wife kicked him out.

My suspicion is the end of his marriage probably had nothing to do with you at all...espcially if you heard nothing from him in 5 years.

Why anyone would be willing to get involved with someone who they already know isn't loyal or trustworthy and uses people....the mind boggles.

Have some self-respect OP!!!

Big Bag of Chips

con___manx1, ted1 and skallywag please take your discussion elsewhere. Offer advice to the OP or don't post.

There has already been an onthread warning.

LegacyUser

forgetthepast wrote: »

I moved on with my life.

No, you didn't, or you wouldn't be doing this;

forgetthepast wrote: »

I done a google search for him lately

When you move on, you move on, all you've done is take one step five years ago and otherwise keep looking over your shoulder.

forgetthepast wrote: »

Is this something I should forget?

Probably, but that's only a small, small part of what you need to do. Really, you need to address the fact that you were prepared to facilitate someone cheating, prepared to spend time with a cheater in spite of what that says about them and in five years, you have moved on so little that far from learning lessons from what happened, you're actively seeking them out and, unbelievably, hoping you might be able to rekindle something which shouldn't have been lit in the first place.