Lovestruck

Love is blind

Not the most original problem I know, and I'm sure it's been a topic of discussion here many times in the past, but how and ever, let me explain - I've been working for a company close to a year now, a job I love, but I've fallen madly for a work colleague (who I work closely with on a daily basis), and its eating me up inside! I'm not in a relationship myself at the moment, but she's been in a long term, steady relationship and seems to be quite happy. We've become pretty good friends, and have built up a strong rapport. We go out to lunch together quite regularly which has become a bit of a talking point amongst our co-workers who have not been afraid to let us know what they think. What they think doesn't bother me and I just laugh it off.

I'm mad about this woman and she's on my mind every waking hour of the day. The thing is, I know there's not a snowball's chance in hell of us ever being a couple, believe me. I'd usually consider myself a rather pragmatic, level-headed sort of a fella, but this situation has turned my brain to mush, so much so that it's even affecting my performance in work. I've found myself on several occasions calling another female work colleague by her name - yeah I know, palm face!!. When she's chatting and giggling with other male co-workers in the office, I find myself getting extremely jealous. When the evening's come and time for home she would often leave without saying goodbye, and that can be hard to take. I realise I'm acting like a lovestruck teenager and every cell in my body is screaming at me to get a grip and move on, but I just can't.

Philosophically one could argue that my life now is far better than it was a year ago when I was short term unemployed and not happy at all, and now I have a decent job, my health and a very good friendship going with this woman. Is that it!? Just suck it up, and enjoy what I've got going with her at the moment? One thing I don't want to do is make a deliberate and conscious decision to distance myself from her, which would be impossible anyway given how closely we have to work together. I'm really not sure what advice anyone can give to be fair, and maybe I'm just trying to get this thing off my chest in an attempt to exorcise the love demons that are within me at the moment.

As an aside, one of the things I've realised is how lonely I am, and I mean really lonely. I'd love nothing more than to be in a loving relationship. I haven't been in a relationship for a very, very long time. I'm typing these words in a big old house all on my lonesome save for my dog. Chronic shyness has dogged my life for as long as I can recall and makes social situations and meeting others extremely difficult. I've considered setting up a profile on dating sites, something I haven't tried before and was wondering has anyone here genuinely found love going down this road? I'm of a certain vintage, so a more mature dating site would be preferable. Can anyone recommend legitimate dating sites to try? I think I really need to try something like this to help divert my attentions from my current predicament.

Thanks for reading.

Kidchameleon

Sorry to hear you are lonely op. Look, firstly, this woman is settled. Dont ruin your friendship and possibly your job with this obsession. Nothing but bad will come of it. Two of my best friends met their wives on POF so I think you should be brave, and try that route. Theres no reason why you cannot stay friends with this woman as long as you dont say or do anything stupid. Good luck

Love is blind

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Sorry to hear you are lonely op. Look, firstly, this woman is settled. Dont ruin your friendship and possibly your job with this obsession. Nothing but bad will come of it. Two of my best friends met their wives on POF so I think you should be brave, and try that route. Theres no reason why you cannot stay friends with this woman as long as you dont say or do anything stupid. Good luck

Thanks for the advice Kidchameleon - much appreciated! Never heard of POF, but will certainly check it out.

SozBbz

I met my OH on online dating (POF as it happens) I'd say it probably has a better age spread than the likes of tinder. It does work and is pretty normal these days.
You really need to snap out of this OP, as harsh as that might sound. The reasons why are plenty, but heres a few;

• Shes in a happy relationship and its not your business to disrupt that.
• Shes a colleague not a friend. If you profess your feelings, you're making her work atmosphere awkward which is very unfair to her. She did not seek our your infatuation and does not deserve to have her work environment made uncomfortable.
• You are not a teenager so being jealous of her normal interactions with other colleagues is ludicrous. You really need to tell yourself to calm down and cop on when these feelings arise as absolutely no good can come from them.
• You need to also tell yourself to cop on for feeling hurt when she leaves for the day without saying goodbye. As above, this is juvenile and a bad thought pattern to allow to develop.

Distraction is probably the best advise. It sounds to me like you're putting a lot of importance on this woman for lack of anything else in your life. You can't make her be single and want to be with you, thats out of your control. What you can do however is take real and positive steps to add substance and meaning to your life. Maybe this is online dating or any other form of meeting new people people outside of work. If you have more going for you in other aspects of your life, you won't feel this so acutely.

Love is blind

SozBbz wrote: »

I met my OH on online dating (POF as it happens) I'd say it probably has a better age spread than the likes of tinder. It does work and is pretty normal these days.
You really need to snap out of this OP, as harsh as that might sound. The reasons why are plenty, but heres a few;

• Shes in a happy relationship and its not your business to disrupt that.
• Shes a colleague not a friend. If you profess your feelings, you're making her work atmosphere awkward which is very unfair to her. She did not seek our your infatuation and does not deserve to have her work environment made uncomfortable.
• You are not a teenager so being jealous of her normal interactions with other colleagues is ludicrous. You really need to tell yourself to calm down and cop on when these feelings arise as absolutely no good can come from them.
• You need to also tell yourself to cop on for feeling hurt when she leaves for the day without saying goodbye. As above, this is juvenile and a bad thought pattern to allow to develop.

Distraction is probably the best advise. It sounds to me like you're putting a lot of importance on this woman for lack of anything else in your life. You can't make her be single and want to be with you, thats out of your control. What you can do however is take real and positive steps to add substance and meaning to your life. Maybe this is online dating or any other form of meeting new people people outside of work. If you have more going for you in other aspects of your life, you won't feel this so acutely.

You certainly don't mince your words SozBbz, but they're wise words nonetheless.
You wouldn't believe how many times a day I say to myself "cop the hell on man!" Around the office I'm managing to keep a cool, calm exterior, but inside I'm a mess. I don't think I've become the creepy office bloke just yet though. Ironically, life outside of work is pretty much okay. I keep in shape and eat healthily, and have a number of hobbies which I enjoy and which help pass the time. I've mentioned being extremely lonely on occasions, which is true, but am not always this way.

I was browsing POF at the weekend and think I might just give it a shot, although I'm struggling to find some flattering photos of myself for my profile image!

Thanks for the advice.

beertons

Never mix business and pleasure. Look away.

KaiserLu

Love is blind wrote: »

Not the most original problem I know, and I'm sure it's been a topic of discussion here many times in the past, but how and ever, let me explain - I've been working for a company close to a year now, a job I love, but I've fallen madly for a work colleague (who I work closely with on a daily basis), and its eating me up inside! I'm not in a relationship myself at the moment, but she's been in a long term, steady relationship and seems to be quite happy. We've become pretty good friends, and have built up a strong rapport. We go out to lunch together quite regularly which has become a bit of a talking point amongst our co-workers who have not been afraid to let us know what they think. What they think doesn't bother me and I just laugh it off.

I'm mad about this woman and she's on my mind every waking hour of the day. The thing is, I know there's not a snowball's chance in hell of us ever being a couple, believe me. I'd usually consider myself a rather pragmatic, level-headed sort of a fella, but this situation has turned my brain to mush, so much so that it's even affecting my performance in work. I've found myself on several occasions calling another female work colleague by her name - yeah I know, palm face!!. When she's chatting and giggling with other male co-workers in the office, I find myself getting extremely jealous. When the evening's come and time for home she would often leave without saying goodbye, and that can be hard to take. I realise I'm acting like a lovestruck teenager and every cell in my body is screaming at me to get a grip and move on, but I just can't.

Philosophically one could argue that my life now is far better than it was a year ago when I was short term unemployed and not happy at all, and now I have a decent job, my health and a very good friendship going with this woman. Is that it!? Just suck it up, and enjoy what I've got going with her at the moment? One thing I don't want to do is make a deliberate and conscious decision to distance myself from her, which would be impossible anyway given how closely we have to work together. I'm really not sure what advice anyone can give to be fair, and maybe I'm just trying to get this thing off my chest in an attempt to exorcise the love demons that are within me at the moment.

As an aside, one of the things I've realised is how lonely I am, and I mean really lonely. I'd love nothing more than to be in a loving relationship. I haven't been in a relationship for a very, very long time. I'm typing these words in a big old house all on my lonesome save for my dog. Chronic shyness has dogged my life for as long as I can recall and makes social situations and meeting others extremely difficult. I've considered setting up a profile on dating sites, something I haven't tried before and was wondering has anyone here genuinely found love going down this road? I'm of a certain vintage, so a more mature dating site would be preferable. Can anyone recommend legitimate dating sites to try? I think I really need to try something like this to help divert my attentions from my current predicament.

Thanks for reading.

Any girl would be winning the Euromillions getting with you pal. Your goodness and decency shines through in this post.

However, maybe not this girl. It sounds more like infatuation to me ( the jealousy etc,). Is she only a manifestation of your loneliness? Also, work is never the place for that kinda craic-believe me.

Get yourself on Tinder, POF etc. Plenty of really nice girls out there.

You sound that decent I’d nearly introduce my sister to ye.

ConnyMcDavid

You sound like you have your head well and truly screwed on.

I could have written this post myself.
I went through the same thing, even the jealousy when she would joke with colleagues. Unlike you, I did try to cut off the friendship by being cold as I felt it was the only option. But that wouldn't last long and I would be making extra effort to remain friends afterward.

All I can say is that it does get better with time and it's better to have her a's a friend in your life than not at all. The feelings won't disappear but you will learn to cope with them better.

Is your friend aware of these rumours amongst your colleagues?

Love is blind

KaiserLu wrote: »

Any girl would be winning the Euromillions getting with you pal. Your goodness and decency shines through in this post.

Such kind words my friend, thank you! You got me just a little emotional there!! Thanks for the advice.

ConnyMcDavid wrote: »

You sound like you have your head well and truly screwed on.

I could have written this post myself.
I went through the same thing, even the jealousy when she would joke with colleagues. Unlike you, I did try to cut off the friendship by being cold as I felt it was the only option. But that wouldn't last long and I would be making extra effort to remain friends afterward.

All I can say is that it does get better with time and it's better to have her a's a friend in your life than not at all. The feelings won't disappear but you will learn to cope with them better.

Is your friend aware of these rumours amongst your colleagues?

Thanks ConnyMcDavid
I was doing my darndest to keep my distance in work today, not giving her the cold shoulder as such, but pretending I was busier than I was. I don't think it worked. She came over to me in the afternoon and asked was everything okay, 'grand I said, just busy is all.' Guess I'm not that great of an actor!
We both go on our elevenses in separate groups, and know she's with some colleagues who've passed comments about us before, so I'm not sure if she's been subjected to the same slagging; she hasn't said anything though.

joeguevara

Unrequited love is one of the toughest things to endure. You are constanly second guessing every touch, hug, eye contact, throwaway comment and text. It eats your self confidence and doesn’t allow you to even consider anyone else.

I don’t think you can be friends with someone where you have deep feelings that you are trying to hide. Also she will be thinking that she did something wrong. Whether you tell her your feelings or not is up to you but it could help if you let her know that you can’t be as close as you were, for a while anyway.

I have been there and it was the worst. She led me on for over 18 months. I also was with a girl who left her long term boyfriend to be with me. She ended up cheating on me so I am always cautious of people who overlap. I am not saying this is the situation here. I think your being lonely is the most important thing to fix.

Cash_Q

I'd advise you to either stop going out for lunch together or bring along other colleagues. If you continue building a 1:1 friendship it'll make it harder to change your feelings towards her.

She is in a relationship, and she is a colleague, two big no-nos.

Mrcaramelchoc

If you can get on well with this lady ,laugh joke and have a good time etc.what makes you think it can't happen for you with an unattached woman.i know you are shy but it seems you are well able to hold your own.
Getting with this woman or trying to Will ruin her, people around her and you and you will regret it.you have no idea what its like to live with her,how she reacts to situations outside of work etc.
Try the dating sites and keep this ladys relationship with you on a buisness level only.she's not available remember that.