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Higher sex drive than bf

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  • 27-07-2018 3:26pm
    #1
    Censorsh!t
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭


    Me and my boyfriend have been going out about 4 months now, and pretty much everything has been great. The only thing I have found is that I have a higher sex drive than him and its starting to play on my insecurities. While I could happily have sex one or more times a day, a few times a week is okay for him.

    I have a few times tried to initiate, and while this sometimes works, it sometimes doesn't, and so I have stopped, as I get a horrible feeling of rejection and insecurity. One time sticks out, where I was drunk and passed out and the next morning he said he was kind of glad because then he didn't have to have sex with me (it was slightly more nuanced than this - we had eaten a big meal and had a few drinks and I know he was very full). He said this in a joking manner, but it's not quite so funny when I have felt a bit rejected before.


    My rational mind knows that this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me and his attraction towards me, and is rather just a physical/hormonal/whatever thing, it is starting to get to me. What can I do to either bring this up (in a way that won't make him feel in any way bad) or either to deal with it myself and accept that I won't necessarily be able to change this?


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    #2
    ElizaBennett
    Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭ElizaBennett


    Hi OP, could you just bring it up in a calm way at a good time - maybe just after sex in the afterglow when you're both in a great mood and not feeling awkward? Just simply say you think there might be a slight mismatch in your sex drives and you're a little concerned about it and ask him if he is too or if he's noticed it. It might help to just be open about it. Doesn't mean it has to be a huge deal and there may always be a difference between you but you can still manage this by keeping communication open. Best of luck


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    #3
    Tom Mann Centuria
    Registered Users Posts: 10,935 ✭✭✭✭Tom Mann Centuria


    Would you consider "self service" on the days he doesn't feel like it? It's not unusual for partners to have different sex drives.

    Oh well, give me an easy life and a peaceful death.



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    #4
    Pelvis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,758 ✭✭✭Pelvis


    What do you expect to achieve by bringing it up? There isn't a switch he can flick to get in the mood, and a few times a week seems like a reasonably "normal" sex drive.

    The way I see it your insecurities are the main issue here, and that is what needs to be addressed.


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    #5
    Censorsh!t
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭Censorsh!t


    Thank you for the replies


    I realise he has a much more "normal" sex drive compared to me, and that's a reason I am very reluctant to bring it up. I guess the only reason I would bring it up is because of my feelings of initiating, and the fear of rejection.

    I completely understand that it's my issues I have to try deal with (and also deal with my own physical needs - which I do - perhaps more often), and bringing it up may just cause some pressure on his part, which I don't want.


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    #6
    Alkers
    Registered Users Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭Alkers


    Rather than trying to initiate things there and then, have you tried hinting at him earlier in the day? A simple "I can't wait to get my hands on you later" message when he's at work or vice versa could work wonders as opposed to seeing if he's in the mood when you're both half asleep in bed or he's already tired?


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    #7
    Censorsh!t
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭Censorsh!t


    Simona1986 wrote: »
    Rather than trying to initiate things there and then, have you tried hinting at him earlier in the day? A simple "I can't wait to get my hands on you later" message when he's at work or vice versa could work wonders as opposed to seeing if he's in the mood when you're both half asleep in bed or he's already tired?

    Thank you, I think this is a good idea, and I'll try it and see what happens. I guess there's not too much else I can do!


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    #8
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Simona1986 wrote: »
    Rather than trying to initiate things there and then, have you tried hinting at him earlier in the day? A simple "I can't wait to get my hands on you later" message when he's at work or vice versa could work wonders as opposed to seeing if he's in the mood when you're both half asleep in bed or he's already tired?

    I think this is a bad idea. He will just see it as more pressure. Not to put too fine a point on it, but a woman could technically have sex 100 times in one day - a man has a limit as he has only so many "loads" - no matter how attractive the woman is. This varies from man to man.

    When men (or women too I guess) complain about their partners lower sex drive its because they are getting it once a month or less. If its a few times a week they just put up with it, as its fairly normal. Having said that in my 20s I would have been able for sex 4 or 5 times a day and sometimes did when I had the time and my girlfriend was in the mood. But not every man is the same.

    Sexual rejection really really sucks and is a surefire way to damage a relationship and really hurt your partner. Maybe you are just not compatible.


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    #9
    um7y1h83ge06nx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,029 ✭✭✭um7y1h83ge06nx


    You need to suggest it alright and see if things improve.

    I don't want to be overly negative but if it doesn't improve I found by experience it only causes more issues down the line. Years ago I was seeing a girl and we both had high sex drives, so everything was fantastic in that department. After 4 years we broke up but all through that time we used really click with our sex drives. After that we both start meeting other people but I found I couldn't adjust to girls with a lower sex drive. No matter how good other things were it just made me feel a little down, and it did hit my self esteem. Eventually I found someone more compatible.

    My ex had the same issues with guys and it took a while before she found someone that was more in tune with her.


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    #10
    Johnnyhpipe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 748 ✭✭✭Johnnyhpipe


    I would kill to be in the position where we’re arguing over whether to have sex once a day or a few times a week!! Christ Almighty I honestly can’t remember...maybe 6 weeks ago?! :(


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    #11
    premier10
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭premier10


    Hi Op

    I could have wrote your post. Im male with my gf 9 months now and i too definitely have a higher sex drive than her. All I can say is that it depends on the people involved in that how you approach it and deal with it.

    I could easily want/have sex every day but for her once/ twice a week is enough. It is hard to comprehend at first but i now know it's not that its just me, its just her and what shes used to. I am getting more used to it but i can honestly say i know what that feeling of rejection is until we had a proper chat about it. It is a real point of rejection when someone says no to you.

    Maybe have a chat with him about how often he needs sex/urges etc and see from there. BTW we dont live together but would see each other 2/3 times during week and usually spend Sat night to Monday together.


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    #12
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Johnnyhpipe wrote: »
    I would kill to be in the position where we’re arguing over whether to have sex once a day or a few times a week!! Christ Almighty I honestly can’t remember...maybe 6 weeks ago?! :(

    I know a couple where the wife announced in front of us with her husband there "sex isn't important" and told us they don't have sex anymore. Funnily enough he lately goes off once a year on holidays with work buddies for a "lads weekend" ... everywhere they have gone are all european cities well known for sex tourism .... probably just a coincidence ...

    Apparently there are men like this too - I guess they wouldn't be so open about announcing it in front of everybody. Perhaps your bf will head in this direction, as this tends to get worse as you age, not better.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Censorsh!t wrote: »
    One time sticks out, where I was drunk and passed out and the next morning he said he was kind of glad because then he didn't have to have sex with me

    OP if this is the example that sticks with you this is screaming of personal insecurity rather than difference in sex drive. He didn't want to have sex with his drunk partner who passed out after trying to have sex with him. Most would be glad to have someone show such restraint.

    If it was just a case of difference in sex drive as most have said you can look after yourself, with or without him, but if it's being done as a means to reassure you that he is attracted to you then it's not healthy. You've been going out 4 months so I assume you aren't living together. Is this your first long term relationship or have previous partners treated you badly or cheated?


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    #14
    TerrorFirmer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29,930 ✭✭✭✭TerrorFirmer


    Jesus, some people on this board are so unbearably pessimistic! Sex a few times a week is perfectly normal and healthy, sex everyday works for some people but not all - even most - people.

    You're honestly just projecting your own insecurities. He doesn't want, or is up for, sex on a daily basis, it's nothing whatsoever to do with how attractive he finds you, and it's not a 'rejection'.

    You already know this, you even acknowledge in your own OP that you understand it's nothing to do with how he views you.

    You just need to work on accepting the fact that you have different sex drives and seperating that fact from one of rejection and self esteem - and accept that his drive is still well within normal ranges.

    It'd be a total different kettle of fish if you wanted sex a few times a week and he wanted it once a week or bi-weekly, but from what you've described he sounds like he has a normal, healthy appetite.

    Only you can decide if you want to break up with him over it, other than that, there are no other real options other than accept the rational compromise and work on your insecurities.


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    #15
    Censorsh!t
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭Censorsh!t


    Thanks for all the replies again.


    I realised that I was probably being a bit too demanding with expectations, and know that I'm lucky to be in a situation where we have sex more than two or three times a week. There's no way I would break up with him over this; while sex is important, it's not super important, and I realise what's more important is working on my insecurities own negative thoughts (I am focusing more on positive thinking recently). I'm also thinking that as I become more comfortable in our relationship as it goes on, I won't need the validation I seem to be looking for (in the wrong places).

    I'm not going to pressure him in any way, as when I thought about it, had it been the other way around (me male, him female) it would be seen a lot differently.


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