No social life in my 20s: have I wasted my youth?

LegacyUser

So as the title says, I've spent almost my entire 20s with practically no social life. This contrasts with 90% of people in their 20s who have bustling social lives, particularly in Ireland with our craic culture. It's making me awful regretful and depressed.

Most people spend their 20s going to trad sessions, out to meals with friends, and out to bars or clubs in groups some weekends. I've had sporadic nights out over the years, but they've become few and far between.

I'm now 28 and I've been on a night out with more than one person three times this entire year. Mostly, I'd go to a pub with one friend or to one friend's house and we'd have a chat, but there's no real diversity, and not much fun either.

I had huge expectations for my 20s and I don't think those expectations were out of touch with reality. For example, I bet 99% of people who went to college had a blast of a time and made friends for life. I literally showed up for lectures and went home each day as I lived near my college campus in Dublin.

I was a bit shy in school but always had friends, however, in college, my anxieties were really amplified and I still feel those anxieties. I see pics of people on social media of folks I was in college with (but who I didn't really connect with) and I just know they've all spent their 20s sharing experiences together, going on nights out and what not.

I simply can't get over the feeling that my youth has been an utter waste of time. I can only see it getting worse as I enter my 30s lamenting lost time while nobody else my age will be looking to make new friends or party or connect with new people as they've done it all in their 20s.

Thanks in advance for any comments or advice.

LegacyUser

I read this post and it really resonates with me. I'm more or less in the same boat as you but older (32). I have social anxiety and shyness which was made worse during my childhood due to domestic abuse and alcoholism by my father who passed away when I was 18. I then started to lose my hair and got overweight over time (I've lost the weight now and the hair is still hanging in there ). During this time, I only really had a few friends who all have since emigrated.

Due to this, I've never had a girlfriend or sex before. Due to my childhood, I lost a good portion of my 20's due to battling depression which I have overcome. However, I recently started doing some CBT to work on my social anxiety and shyness about 3 weeks ago and I am starting to get results already.

I know I have a lot more to go but if you feel really down about it, I suggest you talk to a loved one and tell them how you feel and take it from there. Trust me, that first step will make the world of difference in the long run.

aqn29swlgbmiu4

Are you this guy?

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057878832

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057862456

Caranica

For the record, I'm a bit older than you, have never been to a trad session in my life and was married by your age. Now I'm busy living the life I want not the life I feel I should have.

OP there is no script, we all have different lives and for the most part we are in control. If you don't like your life, simple changes make big differences. Be in charge of your own destiny, judge it by your experience, not that of other people

shakeitoff

Brah not gonna lie, after about 23 it becomes fairly boring for all of us. We have a few sessions every now and then(Never attended a trad in my life though) but it's very sporadic. We've had the best summer ever and I'd say I've drank 5 times, 5 years ago I was out having fun every few days. Now it's just different, I still like getting hammered but realistically nights out are ****e anyway(especially after a decade of doing them, the only time I drink now is gaffs if we have one.

*BTW I was like you until 21, I am happy I got to experience certain things after because I felt like such a loner and off for so long, I eventually was able to fully express myself and not be insecure and made mates from where I live which gave me a chance to salvage my youth but honestly, I still pine for the 14 year old days of just hitting a football morning to night. You can have 90 per cent of the experiences you 'missed' out on in your 20's in your 30's imo. But you need to get lucky.

LegacyUser

OP, i'm same as you. 29 female, never had a bf or intimate relationship, suffer from social anxiety, alsways been shy. in last 2 years, i've been to friends kids christenings, been bridesmaid twice for school friends, watched more friends building their house/others applying for mortgages.
im still living at home in a dead end job and nothing to show.

it can be frustrating at times when everyone else has the big job and the lovely house and the marriage etc. i kind of blame myself for how my lifehas turned out so far. i still have quite a childish mentality in that i still think about times when people called me fat or made other comments about me. i can't seem to take the jump into adulthood. college flew past me. very rarely went out. i;m probably the least successful out of all of them.

now, i rarely want to go out, and when i do, i cant find anyone coz they are settled down with partners or going away on weekends with partners etc. i never lived the lifestyle that young people are "suuposed" to, but it's not really who i am either.

i've gone past the stage of caring. we'll get there in the end! we're still young! (at least that's what i tell myself )

titan18

I'm you. Your op is pretty much me only I'm 29 today instead of being 28. I'm celebrating my birthday by going to the cinema on my own and then eating dinner by myself.

Not the only one who's regretted their 20s and lack of social life. Maybe someone can setup a group that we can all think about going and just not go cos of anxieties.

SozBbz

OP, you have to realise that you can't change the past so looking back will get you nowhere.
You can only start from today. 
Unfortunately, its unlikely that a raging social life is going to happen by accident, if you want to broaden your social circle you're going to have to be proactive. 
Also, I think you've made a lot of assumptions in your OP that don't hold water, not least this idea around trad sessions (???) and you've drawn connections where they don't actually exist. For example you cited lack of social life in college to growing up nearby. I went to a college very near my parents house and therefore lived at home, but had a ridiculous social life in those days. I regularly went out 4/5 nights a week in 1st year (where did I get the energy!?) but I definitely put myself out there and took chances, which lead to having a busy social life.
I was the only one of my school friends who went my college so I had to make all new friends, but instead of seeing that as I problem, I just threw myself into everything and met new people. I still have a core group of 5 girls who I'm still great friends with to this day. 
it sounds to be like you're the type of person who when faced with an uncomfortable situation says to yourself  "well this isn't going to happen because of xxxxxx" and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. You need to examine your internal dialogue and ultimately your approach to social situations.
If you don't make changes, its unlikely that changes are going to just happen by magic around you.

Wanderer2010

OP, there is no script or should or have to or everyone did this or that. Social media is false 100% false, nobody is going to post a picture of them sitting down in a chair on a Saturday night. Judging yourself by a false yardstick is going to lead to more misery.

All these threads about wasting your life etc. OP, please consider the following saying:

"Never regret getting older. Its a privilege denied to many"...

aqn29swlgbmiu4

You write the same post every few weeks.

Neyite

Emmalynn Ashy Nitrogen wrote: »

You write the same post every few weeks.

Mod:


Welcome to Personal Issues. This is an advice forum and we require that posters remain civil, helpful and offer constructive advice to offer an OP. Failure to do so may result in a warning or a ban.



Please read the charter for further clarification.

Neyite

Mod:


OP, I've closed the thread as per your request. Let me know if you want it reopened. I'll not be approving your final post as it too falls short of the standard we expect from all here.