Should we call it quits

CaseyM123

Hi all, looking for advice on my relationship of6 years. We have a daughter, 4.5. We met through my brother who had known him a short while, he thought I’d eat him up and spit him out but it turns out to be the other way round.
Things progressed faster than I expected and I got swept away after being single for a long time. I think I always knew we weren’t a great match but I thought we’d make it work and had more going for us than against us.
I felt things change after getting pregnant, he was less attentive but I put it down to work stress and worries about providing and the honeymoon phase being over.
We started to argue more and the rows were terrible in that he would send me to Coventry and not speak to me for days. I found this exceptionally difficult as I tend to blow up then move on but his parents had been very volatile and as a child he learnt to shut down and say nothing. I talked to my mum to cope and she in turn told my brother some of the things that went on.
He said out life was like a fishbowl because my family were so involved in our lives, he has little to do with his so this caused some problems and he and my brother were no longer as close.
Anyway when my daughter was about 2 I found out that he’d been having a relationship with a girl that worked for him and whom he’d known for years. He swore it was friendship only and I couldn’t prove otherwise although everything pointed to an affair. I also discovered he had been having tantric massage (happing endings) since our daughter was 6 months. We went for counseling and eventually decided to try again, for my part I didn’t want my daughter growing up without him in her daily life (he’s a good dad) and I was scared of being alone again.
By now things were very cool between my brother and partner. I had had a sizable redundancy payment and his businesss needed a temporary cash injection so I reluctantly lent the money. Knowing some of this and worrying that I wouldn’t get the money back my brother did a financial check on him unbeknownst to me. Nothing untoward turned up and my partner gave me back the money but the financial check came out because my brother told a mutual friend who then told my partner.
Now things are terribly strained with my partner and family and I’m stuck in the middle of them all. Other than looking for support from my mum (I never discussed my personal life with brother) I feel I did nothing wrong but am paying the price for all my partners carry on. We are now constantly rowing and on the verge of splitting up but I just can’t pull the plug and don’t know what to do. Any advice please as I’m st the end of my tether.

vectorvictor

Picture and no sound is difficult to live with so only you can decide if that's acceptable.

Staying together for the sake of the kids isn't always wise.

As for the tantric massage I wouldn't worry as much about this as I would the relationship but if I read correctly you've no proof of that . Alot of men (and before people chime in about generalisations I'm not saying all or every or even most ) will find a way to obtain sexual release or needs met when they are not getting it at home. A tantric massage is one step up from masturbation - it's not an affair , it's not emotional and it's not sex or prostitution.

From the outside it sounds doomed. Should a relationship be this much work ?

Payton

Hi OP, your in a very rough spot and he seems to be taking you for a mug.
I feel your going to have to dig deep and think of what is best for your and the child, he seems to want to keep a single life going and expects you to be the there when he needs to be..that's not what a relationship is about.
Your worth more than that.
Best of luck.

tara73

I think the trust in this relationship is really messed up. He started breaking it with having an affair, which is the most trustbreaking thing one could do in a relationship and most people would end a relationship about.

you forgave him, had partners counselling and decided to continue the relationship. It's a respectable step, it needs guts to do it after the partner cheated.
But you most likely just did it for the kid involved. would you've done it if no child was around?
Your trust wasn't there (anymore) in any field, so you checked on him regarding the money.
He found out and has a reason now to blame you for mistrusting him ill-founded.

I don't know, it sounds like this relationship never stood on stable foundations. You said you weren't mad about him from the beginning. So I would say go amicably your seperate ways before it becomes messier and messier.

You can read it here a hundred times from people with experience, it's not a good reason to hold on to a broken relationship for the sake of kids. They pick up on it and they mostly will be damaged through it more than an amicable split will were one parent isn't excluded from contact with the kids.

nikkibikki

Forgive my ignorance, does tantric massage involve another person, assume woman, touching him intimately with the end goal being orgasm for the man?

If so, that's a few floors away from masturbation in my opinion, not a step away! It's cheating in my book, whether he pays someone else to satisfy him sexually or not.

CaseyM123

Thanks for all your replies. Most points hit the nail on the head. I am being a mug, he does want his cake and eat it, the relationship wasn’t build on strong foundations and yes the tantric stuff was definitely cheating.

I always thought of myself as strong but somehow I’ve become a doormat and am walking on eggshells around him because I don’t want the constant arguing followed by silent treatment.

He has gotten a little bit better on the communication side of things but I think I’m so resentful of the continuing dramas and his refusal to put it all to bed that I’m going to end up finishing things.

We went on a night away last Friday (he didn’t want to go as the hotel voucher was a present from my brother last Xmas) and we were no sooner at hotel than he got a call from his friend looking to go out sat night to which he said he’d see. I was peed off and he knew it because he had a night away in Dublin to see a gig with another friend tonight.
Am I being unreasonable thinking and telling him this is ott?
I give him loads of room to socialize, he’s out 3 weekends in every 5 and goes away several times a year for gigs and weekend festivals and I genuinely don’t mind but this weekend was too much. I don’t go out much myself, all my friends have young children and are tied down, I don’t want to go out on the tear anyway. He acts like he’s single still.
He tells me I’m trying to control him but I’m starting to think it’s the other way round.

It is so hard to make that final decision though, I love him (although I would admit to never being in love with him), he’s generous and thoughtful and as I said a good dad. Maybe I’m being selfish/afraid to being on my own. My self esteem must be rock bottom.

CaseyM123

Reply to VectorVictor

You make some fair points however he is getting it at home, in fact I’m 99% of the time the initiator. He’s got a low libido and mine is high. He was traveling quite a distance and paying a huge s of money for his sexual release and it was certainly cheating.
The (emotional?) affair is far more complicated though, as far as I could make out from all the evidence I gathered it began after she stole 30k from his business. Being long time friends he says he couldn’t understand why she’d done it and he thought if he kept her onside by being in constant communication with her that he had some chance of recouping the money. For the same reason he would not get guards involved.
Without going into more long stories he was extremely devious and disloyal to me about the whole thing but for the sake of our relationship I’ve tried to put it behind me. The problem is that all the current drama goes back to the original deceit and I’m not getting a chance to put it behind us. He expects my forgiveness but won’t let go of his bitterness towards my brother. Because of this we can’t have get together, my brother and his partner can’t come to my house, he ignores them if we bump into them in locality and is generally stand-off ish and derogatory about them.
I understand why he’s angry about what they did but I need him to let it go.

JustAThought

His behaviour is classic controlling and follows the well documented domesric abuse pattern.

Isolating you from your family.
Finding fault with people close to you to remove them from your circle of protectirs.
Silent treatment.
Being a fun lively person and doting dad but behaving differently with you at home.
Always the life and soul of the party and s great guy - but you are never at the party.
Borrowing money /resources.
Cheating.

You should have a read of the personal stories in the national womens council website.on the domesticviolence.ie website there are some good articles on types of domestic abuse and practical (free) councelling and advice lines there.

You probably cannot see it because you love him, come from a good home and things like tbis do not happen to people like you,and he dosn't ever hit you (of course not) and you want it to work for your daughter.But it is not normal and will not improve.

The silent treatment has become such a well known tactic in emotional abuse that the law and supports in Ireland legislation was spefically changed this year to include it and other forms of non physical psychological abuse in homes.

It is not your fault snd you do not deserve it.

You should have a read of some of their stuff and have a long hard think. Children pick up on unhappy marriages and your daughter is old enough to see what is going on at home. Children also see and compare to the loving healthy happy environments they see and expeeience in other peoples houses. She knows.

nikkibikki

CaseyM123 wrote:

I understand why he’s angry about what they did but I need him to let it go.

Forget about the issues between him and your brother for now. Look at what's between you two only.

He had what you describe as an emotional affair with someone who stole from him.

He attended tantric massage, multiple times I am guessing.

Is that not enough for you to finish it with him? If not, then look at how else he treats you. You deserve better. Your child deserves better. Being on your own is better. If not for yourself, do it for your child. Do it so they will not grow up thinking that it's ok to accept this treatment from a partner.

mapaca

CaseyM123 wrote:

The (emotional?) affair is far more complicated though, as far as I could make out from all the evidence I gathered it began after she stole 30k from his business. Being long time friends he says he couldn’t understand why she’d done it and he thought if he kept her onside by being in constant communication with her that he had some chance of recouping the money. For the same reason he would not get guards involved.

Sorry but this sounds like a pile of BS to me.

So he:
- Had an affair and was very devious and lied multiple times,
- Pays women for sexual favours,
- Acts like a single man going out whenever he pleases,
- Accuses you of being controlling when you question him about it,
- Has you walking on eggshells at home,
- Demands forgiveness from you but yet won't make amends with your brother,

Honestly I don't see what's in this relationship for you at all, he's treating you very badly. It seems to me that you are the only one fighting to make it work, he's just doing what he likes and to hell with you and everyone else.

You don't have to put up with this.

professore

OP I've read your posts and I can't see a single positive thing about this guy, except he appears to have money, and even that gets "stolen" on him (the more likely story is he gave her 30K to keep quiet like a certain president's lawyer ...) or he is just spinning you this story so you won't suspect he is cheating with her.

He's away on 3 weekends out of 5 and goes to festivals???? My wife would hit the roof (as would I) and rightly so if this was the case.

He's playing you, and I wouldn't believe a word he says.

nikkibikki

professore wrote:

He's away on 3 weekends out of 5 and goes to festivals???? My wife would hit the roof (as would I) and rightly so if this was the case.

Exactly. OP why don't you organise a few festivals and nights out for yourself to attend. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

CaseyM123

Thanks everyone for your input. It helps clarify things in my head and gives me silent strength when discussing all this with him. We talked about some of it last night, can’t say we are in abetter place but it helps me just to voice this to him rather than keeping it bottled up and the tension mounting.
Honestly we could struggle on for a while more or maybe after this we’ll decide to do what’s right by ourselves and our daughter by moving on. It is death by a thousand cuts.

Appreciate the advice, def glad I posted.
Mod you can close this thread, thank you.