Regrets over how life turned out

LegacyUser

i'm in my mid 40's and i constantly living with regrets over how my life turned out and the person i have become, i've no one to blame but myself

when i was growing up i became embarrassed of my parents to the extent that i would walk in the rain rather than get a life from my father, i remember my mother saying to me that my father was very hurt at things i said and did and i was glad when i heard that

my father is a difficult man to talk to but i isolated myself away, we hardly ever spoke growing up, and i feel so sad now over all he did for me. He's still alive but i never see or visit him basically because of guilt and shame over the way i treated by parents, my mother passed away 15 years ago.

i separated from my wife 5 years ago and started seeing someone else and my wife wanted me to get back with her and i did, the woman i was seeing send me a big letter saying how much she was hurt and upset and how her confidence was destroyed, basically i did not care what happened to her or how she felt

i made a number of vexatious and nasty complaints about my wife's gp and consultant when she had an accident i believed that they were not acting in her best interest, this upset my wife, i was only trying to protect her

I have caused a lot of harm to people who cared for me, i just feel like i am an emotionless,heartless person with no regard for the feelings of others

my wife wants me to contact my family and my extended family who i have not seen in 6 years, she says they are all very upset and do not know what happened, none of my extended family were invited to christenings, communions, etc

the shame and guilty are eating me up, i can work and function its when i travelling to and from work i get sad thinking about it

we have a 4 year old child that none of our family has seen, i feel its too late to make contact, i am ashamed over everything and just too embarrassed the easy thing is just to ignore them, my wife said the children have missed out on having a relationship with my family and my family have missed out on our children growing up

i probably have some kind of personality disorder or just let bitterness over come me

Steviesol

I think everyone has a personality disorder of some sort , so don't worry about it .

Do your part I suggest, reach out , if that's what you want to do. I think talking to someone would really help. Dig deep with a good counsellor to see what's going on for you.

Best of luck .

NiceFella

Why don't you just tell them what you have written here. Yeah you were a bit of an arsehole and all of us can be, but if you reach out and be vulnerable it'll change your life. Screw being embarrassed. Stop being arrogant about being sorry. Just tell them you love them and that your sorry for god's sake and try let them know were your coming from. If they are difficult about it which I doubt they will it's on them. You've played your part, and that is all you can do.

Kuva

You've wrote here before or it's very similar to one before. It's to similar, it is you.

Theirs lots like you, I've a family member who has done the same sh1t you have, he came back once and nobody said anything, it was as though him calling for a visit was a regular thing (I told them they shouldn't let it go but they did) didn't last long and now it's been a couple of years again, do your family a favour and just stay away.

LegacyUser

Don't worry about personality disorder etc, as previous poster said everyone has some sort of personality issue.

What matters now is that you recognise now that maybe some of your actions in the past were not in your own best interest. A difficult parent has a major effect on our lives, but there comes a day when forgiveness chips away at any anger/distrust for family, granted that your father's behaviour wasn't too extreme.

I would reach out, put any bad feeling aside...in that way you are putting yourself first, by putting aside negative emotion and allowing space to re build relationships with family again.

LLewellen Farquarson

Hi,
you're in your mid-40s, so about half your life gone, which means you have the other half to start making it right. And you are starting from now, a mature adult.
From your post it looks like you have come to this place in your life after a lot of soul searching and introspection, which can't have been easy. You have been very honest with yourself, and it looks like you are getting around to letting the past go, and building bridges and a future.
I think it's great, and very mature. But it isn't easy and takes a lot of time and work. And comes with no guarantees.

My advice, for what it's worth, is do what you're comfortable with. Are you comfortable in making contact with your family and/or extended family now? If not, then maybe go to a professional (counsellor, personal development group etc.) until you are ready. I get the impression you have started down the road, you just have to keep walking.

And be big enough to own up to your mistakes, and say sorry. It would be a weight off your mind to have forgiveness, both from yourself and others.

The old saying is true, "those that live in the past live with regret, those that live in the future live with anxiety." So start living in the present because that is the only place where you can instigate change.

All the best,

ASISEEIT

Reach out. most times it goes ok but make sure you have dealt with your own issues. Look up a book by Anthony De mello Awareness. Once you get a handle on yourself you wont be like a plastic bottle on the ocean-being bobbed about by the currents

Kuva

https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057672258/1

Ghekko

I reckon you need counselling for yourself to heal yourself and accept what has happened in the past. From there you may well be able to mend bridges with your family. However, until you can figure out why you seem to hurt others, there is little point in trying to rebuild relationships as you could well do the same again, albeit unintentionally.

Kuva

To be honest, I beginning to think these sorts of 1 post threads are just more spam from Boards Office, I wonder is it a Bot that posts this stuff??