Off my chest

ItsAbiKay

Hi

I created this account to try and let out some feelings. What happens after this I don't know. I'm a 30 year old married person. It's difficult to bring myself to say this and it's the first time I'm putting it out there for lack of a better term. I think I'm Transgender. If not I at least think I have Gender Dysphoria. It's only reflecting on it the last while I think I've been struggling with this since my preteens. Taking the clothes off my sisters Barbies and putting them on my Action Men. Constantly to this day when playing a game and it's an option playing as a woman. Feeding myself and others the usual line "Oh it's something to look at while I play" while feeling like it's something more. Spending years and years reading fictional materials about Gender Changes and thinking "Why couldn't this be me? Why can't I be happy?"

It's all I've been thinking about lately. Wishing and hoping that I would suddenly, magically wake up a woman. I only recently admitted it to myself I don't think this is going away for a reason. I feel lost, scared, confused, alone. I spend my days when alone in work playing with photoshop to see what it looks like to be a woman.

I love my wife, I'm still attracted to my wife. I'm afraid of losing her if I admit this. I don't think that she would take this news well based on conversations we've had in the past around the subject not involving either one of us. I get pounding pains in my chest when I think of telling her. She's had a rough year in her own right and I really don't want to add to that.

My employer is very LGBTQ friendly and encouraging and a number of the staff are LGBTQ so I'm sure if I were to someday shed my skin and become someone new on the face of it they would be understanding.

I've read a lot of leaflets and materials from the HSE, NHS, LBGT.ie, TENI and peoples personal stories. Just absorbing as much information as I can about this and it resonates with me. I know people say speak to a counselor or a GP but it's not something financially suitable at the moment in the current climate in a 1 wage house.

I'm hoping that getting this off my chest in some way helps me out. Where I go from here I don't know. Probably go back and live my lie for a while until it builds up too much again. Not healthy I know, but at the moment I feel trapped. Maybe some day it'll change for me. If any one reads this essay thanks for listening.

igCorcaigh

Thank you for this OP.

I really have no advice to offer you, as I just am not so familiar with the issue you are struggling with.

I hope some more valuable boardies than me can help you out here, I just want you to know than I'm touched by your honest writing and hope you can find support from others.

Please write back, I know that you are not alone in this difficult situation.

wildwillow

I can't imagine how difficult it is to live with these feelings. You don't mention children but I'm making an assumption that there is at least one to account for a one wage household. Any life changing decision will now involve your family and has to be a consideration.

Can you see yourself in thirty years time being content if you continue to live with these feeling and do not act on them. You do need to talk to a counsellor and get help to make decisions. Everyone will suffer if you continue being obsessed with this and come to no conclusion.

It's easy to say you only get one chance at life and make the most of it but it's more complicated as other people become involved.

I hope you can resolve it and hopefully some posters here will have more insight than I have.

robyntmorton

I'd second seeing a counsellor or a psychiatrist. Even say it to your GP what you are feeling and see what they say.

I am a transgender woman. My first step was to speak to my GP and get a referral to the local community mental health service, who gave me a referral to the team in Loughlinstown (who I am still waiting to see, but that's another story).

Well, really my first step was the legal recognition route, as I know who I am and just needed to follow the steps to get confirmation that I am who I am (the joys of having all these gatekeepers), but that's not quite relevant to your point at this time.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck with this. It is not an easy path to travel, but it is better than denying who you are and accepting the misery that denial entails.

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP

Counselling from someone with experience with gender dysphoria would be a good next step. I wouldn't bother with a GP really, they are mostly useless at this stuff. Check out insight matters in Dublin for a start.

Also, at this stage, you kind of owe it to both you and your wife to at least have a discussion about how you feel. If you're as unhappy as you say you are with your current situation - you describe your life as a "lie"? - the question yiu need to ask yourself is who are you really being fair to here? Nobody.

It is impossible to predict her reaction - but honestly (and this may sound dramatic) she will probably experience all 5 stages of grief if you tell her you are transgender. Whether you stay together or not after that, who knows. And other things will come into play, especially if you decide to begin hormones at some point. All I can say is I'd hate to be in your position, OP, especially if there are kids involved.

As for some of the reasoning why you suspect you might be transgemder -i.e. dressing your toys up - well, we all have different experiences this is not exclusively related nor indictative of gender dysphoria. I knew a lad who grew up perfectly straight who played with dolls. It's a bit of a cliched idea of what trans people experience, to be honest. But, again, as these feeling have stayed with you your entire life, and you seem so confused by it all counselling is called for.

As for becoming a "new" person - I hope you don't think transitioning will suddenly cure all your woes. Because it doesn't really work like that. It is not an overnight solution. The probabilty is that you will lose people - both family and friends - and unless, your transition is miraculous and you runaway to anothwr corner of the planet with no strings attached, you will have constant reminders of what was lost. So, if you do decide to transition at some point, be prepared for a whole lot of setbacks, both on the medical side and socially. It's not easy, even for those of us who would be considered very "passable"and seemingly outwardly "confident"; people still treat you like dirt. So it all depends how much it means to you to be authentic. As for me, there was never any doubt.

Good luck, OP

ItsAbiKay

Thank you all for your encouragement. It's comforting to hear other perspectives being honest. Thankfully there are no children involved. You think it would make it easier to be honest but it doesn't for me anyway. It's a personal circumstance the situation we're in and I'll respect my wife's privacy on that.

I don't know where I see myself in 30 years. Right now it's white. Thinking back 10 years ago would I have seen myself here probably not. I buried things down and now they've bubbled back up over time.

You are right JackTaylorFan. It's not fair to anybody. I'm scared. I'm scared of the unknown, what's going to happen. It is cliched the dolls thing but if it stopped at that maybe I wouldn't be here at this impass in my life. I definitely don't think anything about this is easy. If it's this difficult at this jucture I can't fathom how difficult the road ahead would be. Confidence is a huge thing for me. I don't have any, I never had and probably never will.

A part of me wishes I could just get caught out some how and take it out of my hands. Which of course would make it a million times worse. The first hurdle I need to overcome is talk to my wife. I don't know how, when, if that's going to happen. Someday when she asks me what's wrong while I'm spaced out I might be able to tell her. In the meantime I will keep on absorbing information and trying to get confidence and courage.

Annasopra

There are spouse support groups based in Dublin and Cork and trans peer support groups all over the country

http://www.teni.ie/support.aspx?filter=PSG

http://www.teni.ie/support.aspx?filter=FS

ItsAbiKay

So I've an update...

I spoke to my wife about this and told her how I felt and it was appalling. In her defense I was a liar and a coward. She asked me last week outright was I the wrong gender and I lied and she was feeling pretty low last night and that's when I told her.

It wasn't as if I had planned it to happen. It just happened and I took advantage of her state which of course made things 1 million times worse than what it was. Terms like freakshow, freak, sick were thrown about.

It's hard to distinguish whether that was from the cowardly way I told her or was it from how she really felt. I've a tough road ahead and all I know is I've this constant feeling of being sick and I feel at one of my lowest points myself. I've an initial appointment with a therapist on Tuesday. All I can do is see how that goes.

ItsAbiKay

Thanks Triona. I'll take you up on the PM