Friendship is upsetting me

anonymous gal

A couple of days ago I got a text from a friend and it sent me into such a spin.

We met years ago though friends and initially spent a lot of time together, always with the same gang.
I liked him from the start but I told myself:
there was no point, because with his contract he can move at short notice and was supposed to be gone for good after a couple of years, and that I should focus on finding someone who was not going to move anywhere.
I remember a few evenings in which I am sure he fancied me and wanted more, and I did not want to lead him on. So I didn't, and I brought everything immediately back to friendship territory. We never spoke about that.

Life went on, we both got together with someone else, and even went out a couple of times as a four-some.

My own relationship ended first, than his one ended.
After that, we started going out just the two of us. As friends: never sex, never a kiss.
We tell each other a lot of personal stuff. I know I can count on him, and he can certainly count on me.

We don't go out very often, sometimes I initiate it, sometimes he does.
Sometimes I come out with excuses and tell him I am busy and put it off for weeks and even months. I don't know why I do this, I would never do that to any of my other friends.

A couple of days ago he texted me before going on holiday, wanting to arrange a catch up when he gets back, and this is when I got so upset and I can not stop thinking about it.

His text came just when I was arranging a date with someone new (All this time I have been enjoying single life, dating, went on great trips, and at the same time I would love to meet someone to share my life with)

I guess what I am asking now is:
What can I do, to protect myself emotionally from whatever it is that is upsetting me?
Should I end our friendship ?
Now I recognise that I have already tried to end it, by giving excuses and putting off meeting up, and then not texting for months. But then he does text or call, and I reply and then we go out and this starts again.
If Yes, what can I say to him to end it ? I just can not find any words to explain why.

thank you

bilbot79

anonymous gal wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote the full post.

You obviously like him. You should meet up and have it all out in the open, if nothing comes of it date someone new

Big Bag of Chips

Why not tell him that you like him, but you can't handle being just friends, nor can you be in a relationship with him because of his work schedule. Say your goodbye, and ask him to not contact you again.

You seem to be looking for ways to make this complicated. What is his work schedule now? He is still around, so is it unlikely that he'll move away? If you like him why not give it a go. It might not work out, but at least your head won't be wrecked with all this toing and froing.

You clearly like him. He seems to like you. Stop dancing around each other and just say it. Your friendship isn't a true friendship really if you (both) have all these undisclosed feelings. So my advice, the friendship is at risk anyway, so why not try being a couple, and see what happens?

harr

You either get together to give it a go or you both make a completely clean break with the agreement of no contact.
Currently it isn’t fair on anybody including any future potential partners.
It’s obvious you both have feelings for each other but the question is are those feelings coming from a strong friendship or a stronger physical/ emotional connection with the possibility of a relationship.
As things stand it’s a mess and needs to be sorted one way or the other.

iamwhoiam

Tell him and who knows he might be over the moon ! Go on !

anonymous gal

Thank you for the replies.
He still lives here but eventually (2 year max) he will have to move, and it will be to another Continent.
I am such a closed and reserved person, that I could not see myself having the big conversation with all out in the open and asking for no contact. It would be a big step for me, don't feel that strong now.
I will try to reherse the conversation in my head, in these weeks when he is away.

Big Bag of Chips

If you got together the option could be there for you to move with him?

As your title says, the friendship is upsetting you. Friendships shouldn't cause you upset. So you either walk away from the friendship or you take the plunge.

Kidchameleon

There is obviously a connetion here. Why not move with him? Lifes too short, dont regret not trying

professore

You seem to have a huge problem communicating your true feelings. Communication is a huge part of a successful relationship. I think some therapy would help as you are not ready for a proper relationship with this guy.

IMO there is something wrong with him too, as he seems to fancy you as more than a friend. He should have gotten on with his life ages ago and cut you off, as you can't be "friends" with a woman you have strong feelings for as a man, especially the way you treat him, blowing hot and cold.

It's also possible he just sees you as a friend and you are reading into things that aren't there. Making a move on someone means very little. Some guys would make a move on anything with a pulse. He travels a lot and sounds like he has a well paid career. I suspect he has no shortage of female attention, and isn't hanging on your whims.

Life isn't some Adam Sandler Hollywood film.

I'd also say to stop overthinking things like this. Relationships are messy things.

anonymous gal

Thank you.

Yes, we both travel a lot and have no money worries.

Moving would be very difficult, to a country with controlled immigration, don't even know the criteria, if my age would be an issue in getting a work permit... it is something I have never considered.

I have had no issues so far in expressing my feelings, and I have told him personal things I have never told anyone in my life. I just did not copped on I had feelings for him, until his text.

Have never heard before of anyone telling a friend that the friendship must stop because one can't handle it. Am just afraid that this conversation would be drama, and I don't like drama in my life, I like things to be simple and straightforward.

I have now beeing thinking about what to say to him when he gets back, and to keep it less dramatic as possible.
Have also decided to going ahead with dating the new guy, so it would not be fair to anyone if I keep this friendship going, as it would be close to cheating.

sydthebeat

je ne regrette rien

banie01

My own experience of a similar situation is this.
Have a female friend who is probably my best friend.
She helped me through the roughest situation in my life.
From the outside, looking at us we made the perfect couple. We shared a sense of humour, interests and so much more.
Spent a year trying to make a go of it, because we were so right together surely it's what we were "meant" to be doing.
The relationship never felt right, it was a meeting of minds rather than a meeting of souls.
The physical side was very strange, it was what I'd imagine shifting a cousin (or a sister even!) feels like
But we both persevered not wanting to let it go because surely we were meant to be?

We weren't, it was messy and emotional but calling a halt to it was for the best.
I've since married and she is living abroad and engaged to a lovely guy.
We had to take a little break from our friendship to move on with our lives, but I'm happy to say our friendship survived.
Sometimes a close friendship really is platonic, and wanting or even needing it to be more can destroy something beautiful.

Don't confuse friendship and platonic love with romantic love.
If you feel the need to be honest and tell him, don't expect to be owed reciprocation.
Brilliant if there is and I wish you every happiness, but don't build a friendship into a "what might be" and waste away.
If you feel you need to know or try, then do it...
But be prepared for it to fail, and that failure is more likely than the Hollywood ending.

ginandtonicsky

I think you are overthinking yourself into a hole with this one.
Try to step back, take a deep breath and taking a mental holiday from thinking about this guy for a bit.

It's perfectly simple really. You have a crush on an old-time friend that you've always had "unexplored potential" with, and now you've got a new man on the scene and are feeling a bit guilty about it.

Have you committed yourself to a relationship with this new guy? If not, there's absolutely no need to be worried about meeting your old friend when he gets back from holiday and your guilt is misplaced. It's not a date, it's two old friends catching up when there's obviously a mutual attraction that neither of you have had the balls to act upon. Perhaps that's your chance to have an honest conversation - "so what's going on with us anyway? Is this 'friendship' of ours a case of us fooling ourselves do you think?"

Worrying about moving overseas and all that stuff is hilarious over-thinking at this stage. It's how many years later and he still hasn't moved for one, nothing has actually happened between the two of you for two, and for three - life happens, plans change. I can understand you trying to protect yourself, particularly if you've been hurt in past relationships, but god you have to be true to yourself too. What's the worst that can happen? You stop getting the texts every few months/years about meeting up that throw your head into a spin?

If you are in fact in a new relationship, then I don't think you have to take any action here. You've been pretty good at keeping this fella at arm's length over the years, you can meet up and tell him you're in a new relationship and he'll know immediately that you're taking things off the table.

There's a very big difference between "drama" and being honest and accountable to your feelings with a friend. That second one is pretty important if you want to live a happy life.

Big Bag of Chips

Well if you've decided to ease back from the friendship and have no intention of letting him know you have/might have feelings for him, then the best course of action is to just fade away. Don't be available to meet up. Don't get into text conversations. Just let the friendship drift. I's not unusual and friendships fade away all the time as people move on in different directions.

The conversation about not being able to handle a friendship would only be appropriate if you were using it as a preamble to asking him if he was interested in more than a friendship. Other than that it is just inviting drama.

For what it's worth I think it's crazy to avoid a potential relationship because one person MIGHT be moving away in 2 years time. But if you're not all that into him, then it's not worth the effort.
I think if you were not that into him though, his text wouldn't have thrown you into a spin, and you wouldn't be looking for advice and opinion here

anonymous gal

Thank you all: outside perspective really helped.

Have thought and rationalised this.

Fact is that two grown adults have not made a move on each other since they both became single again.
On his side, I do not know his reasons. As you mentioned, it could also be likely that he sees me as a friend.
On my side, I have other reasons alongside that of his upcoming move abroad. I don't want to mention them here, but they are not minor stuff to me.

As you advised, the simplest and drama-free thing to do is to catch up after he gets back from his holidays, and amongst my News mention that I am now seeing someone.

Big Bag of Chips

anonymous gal wrote: »

As you advised, the simplest and drama-free thing to do is to catch up after he gets back from his holidays, and amongst my News mention that I am now seeing someone.

NO!!! The simplest and drama free thing to do is just to let the friendship slide. Telling him you're seeing someone is sort of looking for a reaction, I believe. You say the friendship is upsetting you - so why continue the friendship? Why meet up with him at all? There are unresolved feelings there. It's not a straightforward friendship.

If it's upsetting you, stop putting yourself in it's path.

anonymous gal

No, I am not looking for his reaction.
We told each other before, when we were dating someone.
As it was said earlier, it is a way of taking things off the table (in case they ever were).

milli milli

In a few years time you could be back on boards saying you regret the time you could have told your friend how you felt (since you haven’t met anyone suitable in the intervening years. Real connections are hard to come by.)

Seriously OP what have you got to lose by telling your friend you have feelings for him? You’re rarely in touch with him anyway, so if feelings aren’t reciprocated, you can move on and any embarrassment can be kept to a minimum.
For all you know, he hasn’t made a move because he thinks you’re not interested.

As someone who’s probably a lot older than you, my advice would be to take every chance you get in life, because sometimes they only come around once.

Idle Passerby

This makes no sense. You fancy your friend, you think he fancies you. You want to meet someone but it can't be him because he *might* move away in two years.

Sure you could have got together, had a kid and broken up again in two years! Or you could meet the love of your life tomorrow and have moved to the other side of the world together in two years!

I know you said there's other reasons but him potentially leaving...in a few years(!) seems a flimsy reason to avoid getting involved now.

Simplest solution: tell him you have feelings for him and if he doesn't feel the same you can't be his friend any longer. To be blunt, sh1t or get off the pot.

Norah33

The real problem is that you don't know your options.
You have feelings for him, otherwise a text wouldn't put you 'into a spin'.
But, to me anyway, you really don't know where's he's at.
Forget your pride and have the 'talk'. Do you want him to have feelings for you and you're afraid to ask in case his answer is 'no'?
If he doesn't, cutting contact is the only solution.
If he does have feelings for you and you get together, you'll be posting a new issue, that is whether you move continents :-).
Avoid regrets, the same happened to me. I now know, without a doubt, we'd have ended up together. I wish we had.
The 'talk' is the only way you're going to resolve this.

anonymous gal

OP here


Thank you again for your points of view, it really helps to have the opinion of someone not directly involved.


These weeks I have done some soul searching (I know therapy was suggested here, and I did have some a while ago for a berievement, I learnt some techniques from it and used them in these cases, which are certainly not on the same scale of painful)

and also have been focusing on getting to know the new guy and on being myself with him.


Where I stand right now, I have got no (or no more) feelings for my friend other than friendship.
We are going to catch up soon, and I feel no dread, no sense of being in a spin anymore. I just need to talk to a friend right now, so I am looking forward to it.

anonymous gal

OP here

So we met after his holidays and before me going away on mine.

Relieved that there are no (more) feelings from my side, happy that I have a friend in him (so hard to find real friends these days), and will stop avoiding him and postponing meeting up, because I have no reason to.

Happy Days