Anyone here ever suffer from oneitis

thetimeisnow

Have had it a few times in my life and I'm currently going through it with a girl from work. Its not a nice feeling at all. If guys here can share their past experiences with it perhaps it can help me. I know its illogical and all I'm doing is projecting a fantasy onto a girl I don't really know and only have had a few good interactions with. The thing is once you develop the new crush and think about the girls you used to have this for you there thinking to yourself I can't believe I ever felt this way about those previous girls

Blacktie.

Used to happen to me. Then instead of just fantasising about it I just asked them out. Solved the issue one way or the other.

thetimeisnow

Well I asked her for her phone number and she gave it to me so perhaps I should

Pawwed Rig

thetimeisnow wrote: »

Well I asked her for her phone number and she gave it to me so perhaps I should

Text her now. Like this second and ask her to meet you for coffee tomorrow. Please report back as soon as she responds.

thetimeisnow

thetimeisnow wrote: »

Have had it a few times in my life and I'm currently going through it with a girl from work. Its not a nice feeling at all. If guys here can share their past experiences with it perhaps it can help me. I know its illogical and all I'm doing is projecting a fantasy onto a girl I don't really know and only have had a few good interactions with. The thing is once you develop the new crush and think about the girls you used to have this for you there thinking to yourself I can't believe I ever felt this way about those previous girls

Emotions are powerful and take time to adapt to. It's really that simple. And desire surpasses emotion by a factor of a million.

My 20s-late 30s consisted of a series of crushes. TBH at the time I despaired at the feeling because they were rarely achieved and when they were, I was usually disappointed. People rarely, if ever, meet my fantasies. Now, that I'm far more experienced with women, I don't tend to get these crushes anymore. Which, in a way, is a pity... although that could be hindsight without the feelings.

Contact her, and meet with her. I do seriously advise doing some meditation beforehand to sort out the emotions you've created about her, and prepare a variety of conversational pieces. Not a script to follow, but it helps to know some things to talk about to avoid awkward silences... (although silences can be very useful if you're centered and don't let it bother you).

But leave all your expectations behind and when you meet her do it as a completely new experience. Don't gush... you know what I mean...

professore

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Emotions are powerful and take time to adapt to. It's really that simple. And desire surpasses emotion by a factor of a million.

My 20s-late 30s consisted of a series of crushes. TBH at the time I despaired at the feeling because they were rarely achieved and when they were, I was usually disappointed. People rarely, if ever, meet my fantasies. Now, that I'm far more experienced with women, I don't tend to get these crushes anymore. Which, in a way, is a pity... although that could be hindsight without the feelings.

Contact her, and meet with her. I do seriously advise doing some meditation beforehand to sort out the emotions you've created about her, and prepare a variety of conversational pieces. Not a script to follow, but it helps to know some things to talk about to avoid awkward silences... (although silences can be very useful if you're centered and don't let it bother you).

But leave all your expectations behind and when you meet her do it as a completely new experience. Don't gush... you know what I mean...

I disagree about preparing things to say. If you "hit it off" you'll have loads to talk about. If you have to force the conversation then you're probably not compatible anyway.

professore

I used to suffer bad with this in my teens. Took a girl really humiliating me to see what an idiot I was. A hard but valuable life lesson.

jbt123

Apropos of nothing, but I genuinely never heard of this and had to google it. Is this a relatively new term? Or new condition, that has materialised with the increase in 'geekiness'.

professore

professore wrote: »

I disagree about preparing things to say. If you "hit it off" you'll have loads to talk about. If you have to force the conversation then you're probably not compatible anyway.

It's not about forcing a conversation, it's about being prepared... As I said, it's not a script. It's simply a way to avoid the mind going blank.

Personally, relying on something as vague, as hitting it off.... never appealed to me. I've had great experiences with women where the initial meeting was stilted and a little weird. It happens. The point is that you have no idea what she is thinking... or her background experience. Having a few things to say, or a few stories worth repeating is helpful. (rather than hoping that you'll simply remember under pressure)

brevity

jbt123 wrote: »

Apropos of nothing, but I genuinely never heard of this and had to google it. Is this a relatively new term? Or new condition, that has materialised with the increase in 'geekiness'.

Never heard of it myself and a google lists some of the redpill/mgtow subreddit which isn't the best association imo.

It's a crush as far as I'm concerned. "The one that got away"

brevity

brevity wrote: »

Never heard of it myself and a google lists some of the redpill/mgtow subreddit which isn't the best association imo.

It's a crush as far as I'm concerned. "The one that got away"

Or the one we didn't approach...

jbt123

Is this not just shyness that has been a trait of humanity forever? I'm a bit old school myself and I'm quite puzzled that this is being given a new term and is now being recognised as some sort of condition.

Wibbs

jbt123 wrote: »

Is this not just shyness that has been a trait of humanity forever? I'm a bit old school myself and I'm quite puzzled that this is being given a new term and is now being recognised as some sort of condition.

From what I understand of it, "oneitis" is a term that describes a man who gets imprinted on just one woman and turns down, or doesn't notice, or pursue other women. Sometimes to the point of obsession. It doesn't always mean "loving from afar" either. It can be applied to people hung up on exes too. It's understandable from the whole love/bonding thing. We're built to pair bond and that can be very intense a drive and feeling. Great if it's reciprocated, but couples can be outa step on this. Particularly with a breakup where one party who leaves has passed that stage but the other is still in it.

It's usually seen as a man thing, but likely because it seems it did originate with the pickup crowd, but in my time I've seen a fair few men, women, straight folks and gay fall prey to similar where they imprint on one person tuning down any other options. Generally though I have found women to be better at resetting the mechanism and moving on.

professore

[Deleted User] wrote: »

It's not about forcing a conversation, it's about being prepared... As I said, it's not a script. It's simply a way to avoid the mind going blank.

Personally, relying on something as vague, as hitting it off.... never appealed to me. I've had great experiences with women where the initial meeting was stilted and a little weird. It happens. The point is that you have no idea what she is thinking... or her background experience. Having a few things to say, or a few stories worth repeating is helpful. (rather than hoping that you'll simply remember under pressure)

I guess it depends on the person. With me, i generally have no shortage of stuff to say. If she finds it all boring then we're not compatible.