My difficult family really upset me

LegacyUser

So I’m going to try keep this brief and to the point. I’m a woman of 31 and I’m posting here to find out if my family is indicative of the normal Irish family or are they just really difficult people. I thought as I’d get older I would find this easier to deal with but after the latest episode I’m upset, angry and really annoyed.
My Mam has some mental health issues, I use the word some because she has never been diagnosed and refuses to believe there is anything wrong with her, but there are definitely mental health issues at play. Some of the things she has said to me over the years are as follows:
You are a fat bubble (I’m 5’4 and 9 stone)
Everybody laughs at you behind your back and you’ve no friends. Sometimes when talking about my plans she will say have you been talking to your so called friends recently.
On occasion when I have got upset about her name calling or her generally being insulting towards me she has always replied you’re crying, well I could cry when I think about the lovely girl you used to be and look at you now.

Because of this I don’t spend much time at home and I rent with friends in another county. Every event in the family is ruined by her. She can’t deal with events such as weddings, parties etc and she takes all this stress out on me by just flying off the handle over nothing. On the way to my cousins wedding there was roadworks and she kept shouting about how she was a nervous wreck and she said I had a horrible attitude because I agreed with her about taking a certain turn off. When we got to the church I had to go into the toilet to calm myself as I had to do a reading and was holding back the tears after trying to deal with her. There was a family event on recently and I made a few desserts to bring. When we got there I realized she had purposely left the desserts I made at home after me putting them in the car. She did this because she doesn’t think I’m good enough and that they would have tasted horrible. I asked her about it when we came home and she basically admitted that it was because she thinks I never do anything right and she couldn’t deal with the worry if people didn’t like them.

The other issue is my brother. He is older than me and married to a lovely girl who I really like and get on with. Understandably so he avoids my Mam as much as possible and talks to my Dad way more. My Dad is a nice man usually but years of similar treatment by my mother has turned him bitter but he has a good heart and there is no nastiness in him. My brother is, in my view, incredibly selfish. He shows no interest in my parents. At any family dinner he has to take a phone call and leaves the room. He calls out home to see them and he spends the time out in the back garden on the phone. My Dad wanted a family portrait done and he refused to give a date and the voucher expired. What upsets me the most is what has happened Over the last few months. In my family there isn’t much fuss over birthdays and there has never been a cake for anyones birthday, even the big ones. My dads birthday coincided with a family christening and my brother insisted on having a cake brought out to my Dad. This annoyed me so much as in reality it was only for show so our extended family would see it. I went through a very difficult year the year I turned 30, including 2 operations and numerous stays in hospital. I got a present two months later from my parents and my brothers wife wished me happy birthday, he didn’t at all.

Our parents have a major anniversary coming up and my brother has decided that we should book them flights to America as they have always wanted to go. They are elderly so couldn’t go on their own so it would involve us going with them. I wouldn’t be prepared to go on my own with them as I’ve done it before and have had to deal with and help my Mam when she gets in her bad moods. If my brother and his wife were there my Mam would be on best behaviour as she wouldn’t behave badly in front of my sister in law. Last week my brother called me to say him and his wife weren’t going to America as they are renovating their house next year and can’t afford it. He basically told me I’d have to go on my own with them. I said well to be honest I’m trying to buy a house next year so I can’t really afford it either. I didn’t tell him the part where I wasn’t going to spend five days on edge waiting for my mothers moods to change and take it out on me, as she always does. But since last week he won’t talk to me and has called me selfish, his wife is cold with me as well. I have suggested booking a really nice hotel in Ireland for them so they can go themselves but he said how can you celebrate an anniversary in Ireland. He has rang me twice to have a go at me and I just hung up mid call.

Does this kind of stuff go on in most families in Ireland or am I just misfortunate? I’ve been so upset by this recently and I find the older I’m getting, the worse it is. Any advice or similar stories would be welcome.

Neyite

No, not all families are like that.

Have a google of the terms narcissistic mother, enabling father and golden child/scapegoat paradigm and see does it resonate. I think it might. There are also lots of support threads on other forums for people experiencing similar to yourself where you can get great advice on the day to day head-melt that this family dynamic tends to bring.

For what it's worth, I think that you are doing the right thing with your brother in hanging up when he's berating you. He's happy to throw cash at the present but won't risk his emotional health the way he expects you to.

Screw that.

Sounds to me that the US trip was suggested by one of your parents to him to suggest to you but with the expectation that you would happily tag along and now the parent is at him to go and he doesn't want to for the same reasons as you.

If neither of you want to spend any time with your parents due to their behaviour and abuse /enabling then it's a case of reaping what they sowed.

beauf

I think you are trying to maintain a relationship with your mother that doesn't exist. You'd be better to accept this and have minimal contact with your mother. I do this with a difficult family member and it works much better.

jimgoose

Stay away from your mother, she will ruin your health - mental and physical. Have a good heart-to-heart with your brother and his wife about your mother's unacceptable behaviour, and if his attitude doesn't change, stay away from him too.

LLMMLL

The situation with your mother is not “normal” but isn’t exactly rare.

But the stuff with your brother seems pretty normal. You say your mother is extremely difficult but are annoyed that your brother avoids her? You’re annoyed that he got your dad a cake?

The only thing you have any real reason to be annoyed with your brother is the American trip. They’re wrong to be annoyed at you. But in fairness, this is the kind of problem that arises between perfectly normal siblings who don’t quite get on.

arainagusime

Hi I am a 31 yo female from Canada (now living in Irelans) and went through the same thing (except my mother got to the stage of hospitalization). <SNIP> Also, look up narcissistic mothers. There is loads of support and advice. I only have a civil relationship with my mother now because I moved away.

Your mother is abusive. Your father probably enables it and your brother deals with it in his own way. It is toxic and you are best spending as little time as possible with them because it won't change.

Also. When you change your behaviour by not tolerating the abuse anymore, your mother will notice and likely escalate. That is what happened to me, anyway. Distance, talking to other family members who knew what she was like and low contact was the only thing that helped.

nikkibikki

My first thought was why would you buy your parents such a lavish gift when your mother treats you like that? It's clear nothing will ever satisfy her. And it's everybody else's fault.

Stop trying to be "good enough" for her. You'll be much happier, believe me!

This incident with your brother, you are only doing exactly the same as he is doing. If you're selfish, so is he. Why is it ok for him to cry off going to America but not ok for you? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

messy tessy

nikkibikki wrote: »

This incident with your brother, you are only doing exactly the same as he is doing. If you're selfish, so is he. Why is it ok for him to cry off going to America but not ok for you? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Exactly! Do your parents even want to go to America? Sounds like your brother was driving the whole idea of America and now that he is backing out he has no reason to be having a go at you.

There is no easy answer to your problem, although I agree with trying to distance yourself from your mother.

Just on the presents and birthday thing, my family wouldn't be ones to make a fuss either, but sounds like you could have done with a little bit of spoiling for your 30th. I really hope you have a good circle of friends around you OP.

EmmaH1997

Hi OP this is definitely not normal but its more common than it should be.

my q is does your brother (or sis in law or dad for that matter) not know how your mother treats you ? like do they not know or do they not care ? its very selfish to send you off to be a punching bag for your mom and her mood swings in a foreign country where you can have no escape from them.

also if they are elderly it doesn't make a lot of sense IMO to send them abroad when they aren't in a position to go sight seeing or do those activities like shopping etc if they need help getting around with arthritis for example or tire out easily? Ireland would be better in that case - if this applies to your parents you can appeal to your brother with common sense and logical reasons why Ireland would be better. with all due respect he should have thought about renovating before he suggested this idea ffs I'd be frustrated with him over that

Big Bag of Chips

digby99 wrote: »

I have suggested booking a really nice hotel in Ireland for them so they can go themselves but he said how can you celebrate an anniversary in Ireland.

What a ridiculous argument. Does he think every elderly couple celebrating a wedding anniversary goes to America, or far flung places for it? I think your brother obviously keeps his distance from them for his own sanity, but maybe feels a bit guilty and thinks throwing money at them will compensate for staying away. If that's what he wants to do, fine. Tell him to pay for someone to go with them. Tell him you are not going to get into debt for a lavish, unnecessary present, and you certainly would not manage with them on your own anyway.

If he wants to send them to America, let him. You can buy them a 2 night stay in a nice hotel somewhere.

BetsyEllen

It might be no harm to ask your sister in law to meet you for a coffee and a chat. Let her know how things are from your point of view, she may not realise how hard you have it as she's only hearing your Brother's side.

With regards to going to America, tell your Brother you would prefer to get your own gift for your parents. And get them a weekend away in hotel in Ireland.

And start to limit contact with your Mother as much as possible, you need to put yourself first and look after your own head and stress levels.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know would I bother trying to talk to your sister-in-law about it. She will be loyal to her husband, and I'm sure she knows exactly why he keeps his distance from your mother. I'd say, much like you, she doesn't want to go, and told him so. The excuse was made then about renovating the house. Maybe her being 'cold' to you is actually her avoiding you because she knows they have landed you in it by suggesting this extravagant trip, but expecting you to do it alone.

They are entitled to say 'No'. So are you. If it was supposed to be a family holiday then it's all in, or nobody in. Tell them you will organise your own gift, and they can organise theirs. It's a bit rich that he suggests this trip, then says he's not going, then tries to make you feel guilty for them missing out.

Ursus Horribilis

It's good to read that you're saving up to buy your own home. With the family you have and the way they treat you, the more of a distance you put between yourself and them, the better. Something you'll need to keep an eye on is what happens when your parents start needing help in their day to day lives. Quite often it's the single daughter who'll get landed with the burden while the married ones will have every excuse under the sun to avoid doing their share.

My advice to you is to keep your money in your pocket and keep saving towards buying that house. Even if you're careful with your money, you're going to find your bank balance shrinking alarmingly in the first year or two after setting up your home. You're going to need that money for your house and that's where it should go. Not on this holiday which nobody really seems to be up for.

Now that your brother has backed out of the holiday, he has no business dictating to anyone what should happen next. There is nothing wrong with you standing up for yourself or saying No. Perhaps if you did, you might earn more respect in the family.

LegacyUser

My whole entire family turned on me for standing up for myself. That's it when you stand up for yourself in a narcissistic family.

cassid

Move away and limit contact. You had to stay with them as a minor ,you dont need to now.

Not all families are kind, supportive and loving.

When you grow up in that environment, you will work so hard to ensure your own relationships are not what you experienced. I tell my children everyday i love them, we talk together, have fun together, watch movies together. As a mother i dont understand how people can treat their child so poorly. I would give my life up in a second for them.
That was not the home i came from, it was horrible, loveless, spitful and endless games of playing child against child. My father left as he could not tolerate the environment my mother created. Your mother will never ever change, nor will her opinion of you.
Get away

Emme

OP don't get dragged into going to America. Your parents would be better off celebrating their anniversary in a nice hotel in Ireland. The stress of the flights to the US and back would be a nightmare all round plus the difference in culture. Your brother just wants to send them there so he will have it to say that HE (& you) paid for them to go to America for their anniversary. It is very unfair of him to expect you to babysit them in America with all the attendant stress. He has avoiding them down to a fine art, don't give in to his grandiose plans. I wonder if the need for surgery and illnesses you had when you were 30 were stress-related.

I would advise you to keep as much distance between your parents and yourself as much as possible and maybe your brother as well. Your mother sounds like a narcissist with her abusive treatment of you and your father has resigned himself to enabling her. Your brother deals with it by avoiding them where possible.

Continue to save for your house and if possible go no contact with your family for a few months. Anniversary or not. You have a right to a life without abuse from your family.

Ghekko

Your brother has distanced himself from your parents. He shows up at the house without actually being present with them. So it looks good that he's physically calling to them, but underneath that he probably has similar feelings towards your mother as you, and doesn't really want to be anywhere near her. At least he can still keep up chat with your dad. You need to make a firm decision for yourself now. Do you want to be pandering to everyone and taking **** from your mother for the next 10 years? Or do you want to stand up for yourself and keep them at a distance? I'd be keeping my distance. If she continues to make nasty comments you leave the house, hang up the phone. Just don't engage with her if she's in a mood. Walk away. It's good that you live away. Don't be the one to bring them to family events. Make your way there yourself. As for the anniversary gift, a trip to the states is a bit ott especially with the expectation that you will drop all and go. If you had a wonderfully happy relationship with your mother I'd be all for it, but after the way she treats you she does not deserve such a lavish gift. Let your brother do what he wants for the anniversary and you can give them a voucher for a night away if you wish, but not on the proviso that you have to bring them! I wouldn't bother answering the phone to any of them for a few days and give yourself time to relax, breathe and think about how you want to move forward.

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LegacyUser

So just to update on the situation. I didn’t contact my brother for a while and he has rang me three times in the last few days, saying how it will be their last big holiday and it would be lovely to send them foreign. I said how I wouldn’t be able to go and they wouldn’t be able for America on their own. He then spoke about how he wasn’t going to be able to go with the building of their house and having to take time off. At this point I got annoyed and said how I have two holidays of my own before the end of the year and I was paying towards them and continuing saving for my house on my own. He got annoyed that I was going on so many holidays this year (I’ve had 2) so I reminded him about the fact that I was out of work last year for four months and got no holiday at all. He has had a honeymoon and other city breaks. He was not the only person in the country building a house and he seemed to have forgotten the fact that I am trying to buy a house.
I said it was pretty crap that there seems to be one rule for him and another rule for me and to stop guilting me into heading to America, when he isn’t bothering to go either. Giving out about my holidays was a bit rich when he has had two holidays a year for the last theee or four years. I reiterated the fact that I wouldn’t be going to America and to stop trying to guilt me into it. I haven’t heard from him since and I’m not too bothered.

Ghekko

Fair play to you. I'd say he got the message. Now stick to your guns!

CollyFlower

After all they put you through growing up I really don't know why you would put so much effort into giving your parents a brilliant trip like that.... I may be heartless but if I was in your position I'd have cut contact with them years ago.