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Workplace conundrum

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  • 19-07-2018 6:35pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    So, I'm in the job a long time.
    Moved into a new office environment over a year ago, ended up working for the first time with a woman I'd have known on and off for over 20 years.
    We get along, respect each other, love having a laugh and getting out for a walk at lunch.
    We are both married with children.
    I might fancy her a bit but this is not reciprocated and we came to terms with this and I'm happy just to have her occasional company.
    All good.
    Until gossip started recently and now it's all about the distance, which is understandable, the last thing I want is her being slighted.
    She has an impeccable character and I certainly wouldn't want to be the cause of it being sullied.

    I really don't have many friends at all, regardless of gender, and this colleague has been great, with lots of troubles and travails between us, as people do, and we work them out with a walk and a chat.
    So distance it is.
    So, with nothing to be guilty about going on this adult friendship has to whither, thanks to people with little to do.


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    #2
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    I don't think you have to stop being friends with this woman, but obviously it does neither of you any good to fuel the rumours with long walks together and the like. Could you not make the friendship a bit more casual, make sure that you're meeting up in the company of others instead of just the two of you, etc?


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    I don't think you have to stop being friends with this woman, but obviously it does neither of you any good to fuel the rumours with long walks together and the like. Could you not make the friendship a bit more casual, make sure that you're meeting up in the company of others instead of just the two of you, etc?

    It's pretty hard to make time in others company.
    We have become pretty intimate friends I suppose.

    She knows how I feel and I've told her I know where we are in life and those that depends while acknowledging that she has never indicated any "affection" in that way.
    By the same token though her life would possibly be less complicated without me in it at all, but she wants to maintain our friendship nevertheless.

    Distance seems to be the tonic right now, I mean we have literally done nothing to be ashamed of.
    Some time to cool those gossips off and just keep it casual for a while.
    There'll be plenty of time for our friendship later, just a pity some folk with little to speak of would introduce such grubbiness into it


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Also, very early on we acknowledged we would never have an affair, it wasn't something she wanted or could comprehend, and I can't see such a thing for myself either, though I still think of her often.

    But the thing that sustained was being able to see and interact, keeping it light at times, serious other times, and now others have taken that away.

    Worst thing is how upsetting this is for her, and that's why I just can't be selfish here and so I will subscribe to keeping things a bit distant and casual for the next while.

    Relationships, I understand, are hard but I would have thought at my age, nearly 50, that it'd be a bit simpler.
    But you don't make a connection like this too often in a life time, and it would be just terrible to have to surrender it now.


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    #5
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    So you hit on a married woman, she turned you down, rumours started, and now she wants distance? Am I reading that right?

    Sounds like she was just being friendly and is now freaked out by you.

    What does your wife think of this?

    Make some male friends.


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    #6
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,797 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    OP, if your friend felt there was nothing more to this than just friendship then she wouldn't feel the need to put distance between you. Your posts about her are quite intense, and I expect she senses from you that it is more than just friends to you. Genuine friends don't feel the need to mention having affairs with each other. Because a friendship does not equal a romantic relationship.

    You've admitted to fancying her, and also admit it's not reciprocated. Your friend has no doubt picked up on this, as have your colleagues. For the sake of her marriage, which she seems 100% committed to, she has to distance herself from you. Her marriage is more important to her than your friendship. And your friendship isn't completely innocent.

    The distance she is imposing probably has very little to do with your colleagues, and more to do with her own feelings. Have you discussed your friendship with your wife? Would you? If not, then you know it is something a bit off. I would think your friend has discussed your friendship with her husband, because from her side there is no intention for anything other than friendship.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My wife knows we are friends and has encouraged it.
    I have suggested things would be simpler to be just work colleagues again but she didn't want that.
    This conversation has been going on a while now tbh.

    But, no matter.
    For her sake and for whatever her reasons, keeping everything distant and polite is the way to go for the foreseeable future.
    Whatever about what I might imagine, it's plain the best thing is to make her comfortable, and that's what I was doing anyway.

    But thanks for the advice.


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    #8
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Does your wife know you agreed not to have an affair and discussed your non-mutual attraction? Does her spouse?

    If your wife told you "I have this good friend at work, I'm very attracted to him it's not reciprocal, we're not going to have affair and we've come to terms with the situation", how would you feel and react?

    This is not a case of busybodies ruining an innocent friendship, it's a case of an office noticing a blatant emotional affair and one of the parties copping themselves on.

    Get down off the cross for gods sake man.


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    #9
    power pants
    Registered Users Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭power pants


    The be honest, I think your “friend “ finds you weird and you’re making her comfortable.

    Listen to what she is saying and leave her alone. Maybe get some professional help too as seem a little unbalanced


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    #10
    messy tessy
    Registered Users Posts: 889 ✭✭✭messy tessy


    power pants wrote: »
    The be honest, I think your “friend “ finds you weird and you’re making her comfortable.

    Listen to what she is saying and leave her alone. Maybe get some professional help too as seem a little unbalanced

    Did we read the same post?!


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    #11
    power pants
    Registered Users Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭power pants


    messy tessy wrote: »
    Did we read the same post?!


    I read the posts entered by op for this the thread, so I would assume you have too and therefore would say,yes.


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    #12
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    WorkingHardForTheMoney wrote: »
    My wife knows we are friends and has encouraged it.


    She might have encouraged a friendship, but she didn't encourage you to develop a crush or feelings for a married co-worker. That's on you so if your wife does find out the extent and gets understandably pissed off at you, don't claim she encouraged it. It won't go down well.


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