Touchy Feely girlfriend

LegacyUser

How flirty is it okay to be?

My girlfriend is very flirty when she's after a bit of drink. She will pick out a guy, go into playful banter mode, and where I believe it's going to far, start playfully slapping them, patting their head, touching their hair, beard etc. It's a big bone of contention for me. I find it humiliating, because I wouldn't dream of doing it with another girl.

It usually happens when I'm standing right next to her, and most times I get the feeling the guy is perplexed trying to figure out if they're being hit on or I'm her boyfriend and she's being weird. On one occasion I wasn't standing close by though and the guy went in for the shift and I had to break it up. I couldn't blame him because if it were me I'd be sure I was being hit on too. Utterly humiliating.

When I chastise her for it she tells me I'm a control freak though, which has me wondering if I'm being reasonable. My friend agrees she's way too flirty with men, but then he's my friend and isn't impartial, and is going to take my side anyway I reckon.

Is this kind of behavior okay? Am I a control freak?

Big Bag of Chips

Only you can decide what behaviour is ok for you. Some lads mightn't care. Some lads might feel it's too much of a headwreck and tell her to go off and enjoy her flirting as a single woman. You get to make that decision. You're not being unreasonable, and if she's like that standing beside you, what's she like when you're not around?

milli milli

Blahdeblahblah wrote: »

On one occasion I wasn't standing close by though and the guy went in for the shift and I had to break it up. I couldn't blame him because if it were me I'd be sure I was being hit on too. Utterly humiliating.

Your girlfriend is disrespecting you and leading on these lads with her behaviour.
I’m finding it hard to believe really that she picks random guys on nights out and starts touching them. Why isn’t she being touchy-feely with you?
She sounds immature. You need to talk to her again, tell her she’s disrespecting you, it hurts your feelings (or whatever you feel is appropriate). If she tells you you’re being a control freak, then she’s not respecting your feelings and you have some serious thinking to do.

professore

She enjoys humiliating you. This is all about a power game. She's the insecure control freak, not you. I would dump her.

spaceHopper

My aunt did this all the time she's 70 and single cost her so many partners. She didn't change. This will wreck your head. Tell her next time she does this you'll leave the pub club... and she's on her own.

NinetyTwoTeam

You're not being a control freak. Flirting by a bit of chat is one thing, touching is really not something you should do when you're not single. Not the kind you described anyway, touching hair/beards etc is not just a hand on the arm.

I was in college with a girl who did this on nights out with me and other guys and right in front of her bf. I found it a bit odd, and so did others. Then one night when her bf wasn't there she went home with some random bloke from the nightclub, though he never found out.

Most people know what lines you shouldn't cross when it comes to flirting, and most want to get attention from their partner. but some have a massive need for attention from the opposite sex and having a partner isn't enough for them.

And they don't usually change or take responsibility for it. She's already made enough of a fool of you, I'd be giving her her walking papers.

osarusan

Even if you give her the benefit of the doubt and consider that might be just how she naturally behaves, rather than playing games or looking for an ego boost or whatever, it's hard to believe that she can't see how others, especially you, are going to think it's inappropriate.

Darkglasses

Not a control freak, for me that would 100 percent cross the line too. I'd let her go flirt away as a single woman.

leggo

She’s gaslighting you trying to tell you it’s your problem. I’d say she absolutely knows that it’ll wind you up and that’s probably the point. Some low self-esteem girls (and guys I’m sure too) get a kick off getting attention and making partners jealous because it makes them feel worthwhile. If you’re confronting her and she’s playing dumb, she’s communicating that she doesn’t care if it bothers you and has no intent on stopping. And you can’t retroactively make someone respect you: if it’s got to this stage, it ain’t getting better, and it’s probably getting a LOT worse. There’s also nothing you can really do to improve a partner’s self-esteem in this respect, it’s a journey they have to go on themselves (if they ever even bother) and they won’t do it for someone they don’t respect.

I’d advise you to get rid for your own sake. If you want to be respected, you have to respect yourself first and you’re not doing so by standing by repeatedly and watching your girlfriend do this with other guys. Get your head around that and commit to walking, because I’d almost put money that as soon as you walk, she’ll back down and magically see your point, get you back in and slowly start introducing this behaviour again in an effort to get you to comply. It doesn’t have to be like this and can be so much better, and I’d say you’ll feel instant relief from showing yourself that respect and cutting the chord on this relationship.

professore

professore wrote: »

She enjoys humiliating you. This is all about a power game. She's the insecure control freak, not you. I would dump her.

And here we have Personal Issues in a nutshell

Wheety

What do you mean you had to break it up that time? Was he being forceful or was your gf going to kiss him back?

Was she not stopping it herself?

zapper55

Jesus it sounds like a huge headwreck. I'm female and I think her behaviour is way out of line. Have you asked her about it? If a bloke carried on like this I'd think he was very insecure and I'd leave him to the flirting, by himself.

professore

Deleted User wrote: »

And here we have Personal Issues in a nutshell

It seems to me that an insecure controlling and/or narcissistic partner and someone making excuses for them cause a huge percentage of relationship problems.

Meauldsegosha

Blahdeblahblah wrote: »

When I chastise her for it she tells me I'm a control freak though, which has me wondering if I'm being reasonable. My friend agrees she's way too flirty with men, but then he's my friend and isn't impartial, and is going to take my side anyway I reckon.

Is this kind of behavior okay? Am I a control freak?

Rather than chastising her, have you tried to have a converstion with her about how her flirting make you feel.

.......

This post has been deleted.

professore

professore wrote: »

It seems to me that an insecure controlling and/or narcissistic partner and someone making excuses for them cause a huge percentage of relationship problems.

Your comment is typical of this place. Jumping to conclusions then recommend dumping them.

amdublin

I would not like this behaviour. I think you explain to your girlfriend how it makes you feel, and tell her you will be breaking up if it continues. Her call.

I'd be asking her why she does it? How does it make her feel when she does it? How does she think you feel watching it?

nthclare

Let her off to enjoy her single life and flirting etc...

Sure anytime you're not out with her, your head will spin after a while.

I had one of those before, sure its soul destroying you'll question your own sanity.
And your mental health is more important.

No compromise I say, well rid.....

starWave

<SNIP>

No medical or clinical diagnoses please. Keep that speculation to yourself.

dudara

dudara

You use the word “chastise” but have you actually explained to her how her behaviour makes you feel? And has she acknowledged that in any way?

If you have, and she’s not paying attention, then you need to decide if this is something you will put up with.

splinter65

Probably not an awful person just someone who’s not ready to be tied to one guy.
She likes you a lot OP but she wants to enjoy being with other guys too.
Even if she promises to stop carrying on like this, she won’t.
Your choice is to split up with her and find a one girl one guy girlfriend or put up with it.
She’ll end up properly cheating on you soon though.

givyjoe

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Your comment is typical of this place. Jumping to conclusions then recommend dumping them.

Doesn't need much jumping to be fair in this case. Quite a lot of people would seem to have agreed with him.

Out of morbid curiosity, what on earth is your view on such behaviour by the op's other half?

dudara

@jim salter - I’ve deleted your post as it is not up to PI standard. Please read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

stargazer 68

OP twice in your post you have said you have been humiliated - is that what you want every time you go out with her? Only you can decide that!

valoren

On one occasion I wasn't standing close by though and the guy went in for the shift and I had to break it up

Can you elaborate on this? How did she react? Did she appear as if she was going for it before you intervened? This is the key point. She must be doing some serious leading on and flirting if a guy tried to lob the gob. We assume these guys are random strangers, or your friends. This is exhibitionist behavior. I can imagine her in a club grinding against the crotch of one of you friends for example. All part of the 'fun'. It's a form of attention seeking i.e. she acts flirty and get's attention (positive attention) or acts outrageously and you call her on it and it leads to an argument/provokes you by saying you're a control freak (negative attention). Either way she get's herself attention. It feeds into insecurity issues.

As others mentioned, if she is behaving this was in your company what would she be like on a night out with her friends. She now knows it makes you uncomfortable, she deflected immediately indicating that she doesn't really care if it bothers you. If she can't tone it down then you need to question how seriously she takes her relationship with you. You've broached your concerns, let's see if she improves, my guess is she couldn't care less and that will be the trigger for you to split.