how to end a friendship

LegacyUser

I am in my mid 20s and have a friend who's very difficult and draining to be around. I think I'm very very patient as a person and have been there a LOT for him even though its a relatively new friendship (this year), we live close by and have similar work hours so would be off at the same times.

He's a nice lad but is plagued by his 'anxiety' and it's basically all he talks about. I've never had it, I understand that it's a thing people struggle with but I can't deal with it anymore. Everything everyone says gives him anxiety, going places gives him anxiety, if he's not invited somewhere (because all he talks about is anxiety) it gives him anxiety. Every 2-3 days he has a mini meltdown about how he's sick of everyone and is going to prove everyone who doubted him wrong. In between these days he cries and says he's so low. I've told him to go to the doctor or counsellor... but 'anxiety'.

I've invited him out with the lads, he sat on his phone most of the night, gave one worded answers. We all made a genuine effort with him and the night was awful. He didn't realise the damper he put on things and is now constantly asking what we're doing/when we're off/where we are so it's hard to not invite him. The lads aren't as patient and I'm hesitant to bring him to the pub again because I think he'll be roared at.

I've tried to cool the jets on the whole thing but if I don't reply to a message he'll flat out ask why I haven't responded (it gives him anxiety and he needs to know why). He's very dramatic and I think if I say I need a bit of space he'll do something to himself, either seriously or for attention. I honestly think he knows I'm a bit of a soft touch and is playing on it. I don't want anyone upset, he's a person and I don't want anyone feeling bad about themselves.

I'm feeling very sour about him tonight after a weekend of being annoyed and don't want this post to come off too harshly but he's really a full time job and is sucking the life out of me with his moaning. When I left work today i had 5 messages from him that he sent throughout the day.

Faith

Ugh, you poor thing. What a shîte situation to be in, and I can really feel your frustration from your post. On one hand, I have a lot of sympathy fo ryour friend. How hard must it be to be him, to live with such strong emotions every day? But on the other hand, he’s dragging you down rapidly. Funnily enough, his anxieties are triggering your anxieties! And in a sense, you’re both colluding with that anxiety - he’s allowing his to rule his life and you’re allowing yours to enable him.

At the end of the day, he’s a grown up and he’s responsible for himself. You’re not responsible for him. If he hurts himself, as you fear, he’s responsible for that. You’re absolutely not responsible for that.

I reckon there’s three options: 1) Ghost him; 2) Gently but continuously pull away until the friendship ends; 3) tell him your concerns. I’m not sure I can advise you on which path to follow, as each have their pros and cons. But what I will advise is that you out yourself first. At the very least, you need to put serious boundaries in place - either mentally or explicitly. Maybe try deciding where you’d ideally like to be with the friendship - if it was magically resolved tomorrow, what would it look like? Would he still be in your life? If yes, in what capacity?

Best of luck with it - it’s not an easy path to navigate!

5rtytry56

Op, I would start by moving out of his innermost circle of friends where you are now, to an outer circle and eventually out of his life entirely.

Purple Mountain

The 'problem' is that you are a nice guy.
Another guy by now may have ghosted him or told him to jog on.
Being nice is an admirable quality by the way, I'm not criticising you.
There's a great saying about how to evaluate the people in your life. Are they drains or are they radiators?
The drain will sap your energy and take all the good from you. The radiator is positive to be around and give back to you.
This guy definitely sounds like a drain. He's freeloading on you and basically treating you like a free counsellor.
So I'm obviously going to tell you to cut him out of your life. You are getting nothing in return from him only negativity and pressure.
Under no circumstances should you feel guilty about ditching him or about any potential action he takes as a result. He copes for all those years before he found you.
Because you are a nice guy, I guess it doesn't sit right with you ghosting him. So my suggestion is to get very busy over the next few weeks.
You could start (or pretend) to be involved in a new hobby, away a few nights/days, studying for something etc. Ease out of his life. You don't need to answer his 5 texts today, wait a few days to reply. Remember you're busy after all.
And you don't have to invite him out with your friends either. They're your friends. He sounds like he jumped on the bandwagon without contributing anything to your group.
He should get the message after a few weeks or get embarrassed.
If he still persists (or maybe you'd prefer this to be plan A), then just send a text saying 'I'm sorry X but I can't be friends with you anymore. You're a nice guy and everything but I'm finding your anxiety difficult to be around. I'm not equipped to deal with it and I think you should speak to a counsellor about it. I really hope you get it sorted mate.'
And don't feel guilty!

JustAThought

A feiendship is a two way thing - you are not just a facility for him to sound off on or a bottomless pit of free councelling and support. What do you have in common? Where did he spring from? How did he go from stranger to ringing you endlessly and becoming your on paper best mate? Has he come from protected care like an institution or just moved back home after a break-up? Let me aak you -who was it that he was on the phone to all night when you invited him out? His mother? His ex? Another friend? Boards? It might be worth bringing it up and asking him directly -I doubt that you will get a satisfactory reply but it might shed some light and allow you to say you invited him out but he snubbed both you and your friends all night and that you thought his behaviour rude and inappropriate . As a long term support for you I would also in the same conversation take the advice above and say that you arnt equiped or able to take on his mental health issues and that you have to insist he get support from HIS FAMILY (or longtime friends) to see a doctor. You dont want to be sucked into being his mental health practotioner and that you feel his concerns are valid and he need professional guidance and support not suggestions from aquaintenances. I would say all his friemds have been used up and yiu are just a facility forhim to use rather than an actual friendship. Let him know gently and then ghost him kindly. No excuses as to why you dont reply quickly or within a few days ( off the phone /unavailable) and simply 'I'm very sorry, we only just know each other and Im really not able or equiped to be your emptional aid /private counceller - you need a bit of professional direction and support - go to your doctor '.

And do not get sucked into going with him or being told a blow by blow of treatment or what next. Top level - thats great, you are in good hands, thats too personal /too much information -I am sure you are on tje road to recovery : and step back about 85%. You also need your headspace and sanity.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I was in a similar situation and was drained from it all. So I pulled away and we still talk now but it's healthier and there's a line now! It'll be crap at first but it'll work out in the end. You've to look out got your own mental health, don't scarfice your other relaltionships. Hopefully he will learn and get some help to deal with anxiety!

ASISEEIT

Give him another shot with your mates but tell him straight out looking at his phone all night is a no no. Then if he doesnt cop on gradually distance yourself. But give him that chance. One bad night aint enough to rule him out.
As to messages make it clear you cant answer all the time and he will just have to accept that.

Tell him also to see a counsellor and you will support him to see one

NiceFella

I'd say bring it up that you can't listen to his life's problems morning noon and night and that he should pay for a councillor to try get his head straight. It's above your pay grade and it'll just hurt you too. Just be honest tell him how it effects you and set boundaries. I'm not one for just cutting people out myself unless they did something particularly selfish or nasty. He sounds like he has an arrogant depression. If he's always blaming others for his issues then that right there is his problem. At the end of it all we are all responsible for absolutely everything that happens to us. No exceptions. It's his burden let him shoulder it.