Ex Troubles

weedall

*long post*

My (ex) boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, we were friends for years before this and we’re both in our mid-20’s. I felt so lucky to have my best friend and boyfriend rolled into one and I knew he felt the same it was the perfect balance.

A lot began to change in his life and he suffers quite badly with depression. From this he put on weight, tended to gamble and drink a lot more and would be very up and down with everybody around us. Despite everybody begging him to get help, he just made a bunch of empty promises and nothing ever materialised. Around April 2016 he began to isolate me a lot and I could tell something was badly up. We both had a lot going on at this stage so it was a few weeks before he mentioned anything for both our sakes. He said he didn’t know if he could do a relationship any longer and suggested we break up. I tried to fight him on this for weeks because I knew it was the depression talking rather than his genuine feelings. We were very happy, we rarely fought and when we did it was very well handled. I gave him his break up and less than a day later he turned up announcing how he’d made a mistake and wanted me back. I took him back and we had another great year once more, everything was perfect.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and the familiar feeling of being shut out by him came around again. A lot was going on in his life, he had family issues, he lost his job and failed out of college. His depression began to take over. I would barely hear from him unless I arranged something, he seemed uninterested and there was absolutely no affection. I went travelling for a month and I didn’t even manage to get a hug when I came back. I felt so horrible, we barely spoke when we were together because we both knew what was going on. When I questioned him on it, he denied it point blank, said it was a notion to me and even got annoyed with me for suggesting it.

Finally after constant pushing at him for my own sake, to put myself out of misery, he admitted he felt the same way that he wasn’t sure if he could continue with a relationship anymore. After this happened the last time, I vowed for my own sake if it happened again I’d let him go without a fight, and that’s what I did. From what he was saying I kind of thought it was the case that you had to love yourself before you can love anybody else. After we broke up i was visibly so upset but I understood.

We vowed to remain friends eventually, as best we could but for now we tried to stay out of touch until we both began to heal. A few days later I received a message from him claiming he made a massive mistake and was wrong in ending things. This delighted me, but I had the more stable mindset and suggested he take some more time to see how he feels. Two days later I received another text saying it was definitely over that he wanted “a change”. This crushed me, especially since I had my hopes up. I was angry with him.

He then reached out to say how **** he was feeling and miserable. Friends had been in touch to say he was shutting himself off from everybody because he was so miserable. He can’t deal with seeing things related to me and appears to be struggling. I refuse to block him from anything as I’m worried about his mental health, yet I’ve made this clear to his siblings and family so they can keep an eye while I recover myself. A part of me thinks he doesn’t really want this and once more it is depression taking over. I begged him to go to counselling and he says he will but as far as I know he hasn’t yet.

I’m worried about how badly he has taken it, seeing as it is something he supposedly wanted. I myself am not taking it great I can neither sleep or eat but he appears to be a lot worse. I know that if he tries to get back together he has to be getting helped before anything happens for both of our sakes. I’m just wondering if anybody has any advice from similar situations? Mental health is a scary thing and I appreciate all the help.

Mr. Incognito

I begged him to go to counselling and he says he will but as far as I know he hasn’t yet.

This.

This lad obviously needs help and whilst you are a great person you don't have the skill set to deal with someone with depression.

You need to have a chat with him and tell him if he doesn't go to his GP and arrange Counselling you will have to cut him off because if he is unwilling to help himself you cannot be expected to do it.

I'd also have a discreet chat with his Mom or Father or whoever he is close to to let them know what is going on as they might be able to help him accesssing services.

People with mental health problems are not reliable and he may require medical intervention but his GP will have to make a call on that.

LLMMLL

Never experienced this myself so take all I say with a pinch of salt.

You’re in the worst position right now. Broken up with but still 100% invested and unable to move on.

I would recommend blocking/removing yourself completely. You’ve told friends and family to keep an eye on him. Leaving avenues open for him to unload on you or use you as support is not helpful to either of you. I would tell friends not to be giving you updates. If they are concerned they should try and help him themselves rather than expecting you to step in. Same goes for family.

I think the question always comes up with depression: how much of selfish/****ty behaviour is the depression and how much is just selfish/****ty behaviour.

Because the way he keeps you on the hook is both selfish and ****ty. Like I said I don’t have much experience of depression or those suffering with it but I don’t think it always comes with jerking people around.

Anyway if he’s not going to look after your feelings you need to look after them yourself. I think you should recognise that his “I’ve made a huge mistake” feelings are not much to do with you and stop hoping for them and feeling happy about them.

So personally I would let him now you care deeply about him but need to go no contact until you have moved on, leaving him an option to get in contact if he actually does go to counselling.

Arrival

Since he won't go for counselling on his own you could possibly try and get him to go with you for couples counselling. I'd tend to agree with you that it's more than likely the depression causing a lot of this within him but you can't know for sure until it's properly explored with a professional. It's horrible for you but unfortunately you can't waste a long time waiting for somebody to possibly help themselves so in this instance it may even be best to give a little bit of an ultimatum, phrase it in such a way that if he doesn't go for help with you that it really is over

You're a fantastically understanding partner and I really hope he goes for this

TheBoyConor

Seriously op. This relationship with him has more drama than an East Enders Christmas special.
Since he refuses counseling I think it's clear that he's an attention seeking drama whore and he's just meeting you around with ask this hot and cold crap.

I'd be trying him to sling his hook and block him from everything before the that's of self harm begin and trying to make you feel guilty.

He's not a friend op. Friends don't need eachother about like this fella is doing.

Get rid of him and move on.

nthclare

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Seriously op. This relationship with him has more drama than an East Enders Christmas special.
Since he refuses counseling I think it's clear that he's an attention seeking drama whore and he's just meeting you around with ask this hot and cold crap.

I'd be trying him to sling his hook and block him from everything before the that's of self harm begin and trying to make you feel guilty.

He's not a friend op. Friends don't need eachother about like this fella is doing.

Get rid of him and move on.

More drama than an Eastenders Christmas Special, love it lol

nikkibikki

What about your mental health OP? That's important as well.

It's not your job to fix him. As his partner, all you can do is support him while he gets help. But, you're not even his partner any longer. Do yourself a favour and distance yourself.