Fix me

LegacyUser

Lads
I’ve to have a conversation with a work mate soon explaining basically that Im in love with him
We get on well but I’m only a small part of his life
I know him about four years and have worked with him on and off since
I’m a lot older than him

I’ve thought long and hard about saying something
He must know I’m gay ,over the years a few leading questions were asked which I stupidly fobbed off but I’ve a horribly catholic family and tbh some neighbours and friends whose attitude to this is stone age (marriage ref? You’re joking this is the sticks)
I’ve got on with my life but never met anyone special
It’s not the best when you’re never in a position to tell family who you are

So now I feel like this and feel I have to say something and let the chips fall where they fall
I’ll go mad if I don’t even if it means the friendship goes
He’s straight by the way or at least had girlfriends but there’s something about him and the way he is with me (almost affectionate) that makes me want to know
There’s a great sadness in the force here
Any advice?
Thanks

J_E

Have you been hanging out with each other much outside work? Wouldn't it maybe be better to step things out that way? You may get a bad reaction if you suddenly pounce on him with an 'I love you', especially if you're not sure if he even likes men or wants a relationship that way. Be very careful not to let your feelings lead you to make big steps rather than little ones.

JackTaylorFan

Hey OP

Maybe you think this confession will give you some kind of cathartic release, but I truly feel you are setting yourself up for a huge fall. It's not even clear he knows you're gay/bi from what you say - let alone you having no clue what his orientation is. As for the "almost affectionate" feeling you are getting off of him: 'tis is a bit of a reach, to be honest.

If you are going to pursue this, I agree with the above poster: baby steps. Don't just blurt out "I love yous". It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship with him outside work from the OP, so maybe suggest going for a pint or doing some activity together some evening and see how it goes from there. If he says yes, then at least you know he wouldn't mind getting to know you - but, like, I wouldn't be getting my hopes up either. This has all the making of a heartache, to be honest.

Another thought that occurs: Are you in the closest? That wasn't explicit in your OP either. If you are, then is it possible you are pinning a lot of hopes on this guy because you don't get many opportunities to meet actual out men in your locale? Again, I am working on an assumption that you are not out in this scenario, and I apologise if that is not the case, but it sure seems like you have invested a lot of energy into this when it might be spent better elsewhere.

Anyways, whatever you decide to do, or don't do, it's not going to be an easy decision. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks lads
Yeah just to add ,I do know him outside of work
We’ve went on courses together and sometimes work away from base where we have to stay overnight
I’ve had dinner alone with him many times and got drunk with him many times just the two of us and funny enough have said I love you in a jokey but meaningful way before
At least I think he liked that
Never have I told him I want to jump his bones though or mores the point him jump mine
That’s because I’ve valued the friendship and am worried what that grenade would do
But it’s getting too much for me
I just need him to know and I need to know if there’s a what if
I suppose I need to toughen up for a possible fall but I might be able to live with a happy medium where say he hugs me and says it’s ok

Hard one

I’m half in half out by the way
No way is it discussed in my family and I’m discrete otherwise because of what I think of some of the terrible attitudes some neighbours have

Annasopra

I think the advice from others about baby steps might be good.

JackTaylorFan

Coldplay wrote: »

Thanks lads
Yeah just to add ,I do know him outside of work
We’ve went on courses together and sometimes work away from base where we have to stay overnight
I’ve had dinner alone with him many times and got drunk with him many times just the two of us and funny enough have said I love you in a jokey but meaningful way before
At least I think he liked that
Never have I told him I want to jump his bones though or mores the point him jump mine
That’s because I’ve valued the friendship and am worried what that grenade would do
But it’s getting too much for me
I just need him to know and I need to know if there’s a what if
I suppose I need to toughen up for a possible fall but I might be able to live with a happy medium where say he hugs me and says it’s ok

Hard one

I’m half in half out by the way
No way is it discussed in my family and I’m discrete otherwise because of what I think of some of the terrible attitudes some neighbours have

Okay, well it sounds like you do know him better than from what I gathered in your OP.

Although it's still not clear that you have ever been explicit with him about your sexuality. If not, I would say the next step here, is to let him know unequivocally that you are gay, then gauge his reaction. You don't have to scream it from a mountain top or anything, but yeah, it needs to be clear. Again, I wouldn't jump straight from that confession into professing a love for him either, but on the off-chance he is interested in you, this will open the door for him to express any feeling he has - for you or on the subject in general.

KevDub2

I have to agree with the above post. Maybe coming out to him properly would be the best move to make at this stage. You will be able to judge a lot by his reaction, both immediate and longer term, to that and then gauge if there is any value to telling him that you have feelings for him beyond being a good mate etc.

I do think that you really need to prepare yourself for the fallout here. Whatever happens, your current friendship will change to some degree and you need to be ready for that. Given the rural location etc. friendships where you can be open can be hard to come by so I would value that first and see how things progress.

I am speaking from personal experience here and I know that every situation is different but my advice is tread carefully step by step for your own protection.

Best of luck with whatever choices you make

cgcsb

telling a work colleague that you love them out of the blue (assuming no previous romantic relationship) can threaten your career prospects. I'd say keep a lid on it.

LLMMLL

I think you’re setting yourself up for an embarrassing painful rejection OP. You may be thinking to yourself “yes I know it’s a possibility and I can handle it” but infatuation can cause us to not really consider that this outcome is actually the most likely one.

Friendships can be affectionate, and younger men are at the forefront of this to be honest. I’ve seen non gay young men sitting on each other’s laps with arms wrapped around waist. Be careful about misinterpreting this.

The balance of probabilities for any random man is that he’s straight. Add a man who has had girlfriends and the chances that he’s gay fall even further.

Rory28

Any update OP? I hope you took the advice about baby steps. I confessed my "undying love" to a straight friend as a teen. I was drunk and emotional and made a holy show of myself. I still cringe when I remember it trying to go to sleep 15 years later.

LegacyUser

I’ve been off work for the last week and don’t go back untill wenesday
It’s sressful
I’d told him a few weeks ago that we needed to chat about something important and funnily enough he reminded me during the week wondering what it was
Gut feeling is to see if I can switch roles in work which would see me based mainly at another branch as much more of this I can’t do
But I will tell him before the move,I owe him that and I need to know

MadYaker

Tell him you’re gay and see how it goes but don’t tell him you’re in love with him. Based on what you’ve said it seems very unlikely he’s gay. I think you’re feelings for him are clouding your judgement there.

road_high

I think telling him this is a terrible idea. Unless you know for sure he’s actually gay or bi too then you’re setting yourself up for a fall. Sounds to me like a fantasy gone out of control

road_high

Plutonic friendships between younger and older males are very common in my experience especially in workplaces. It’s a little like a father son type friendship (not sexual obviously). I think this is what this is ?

LegacyUser

Well I went ahead and told him yesterday
We went for a very long walk on a local river path and about 2 hours in we stopped at a foot bridge and I spoke for about a half hour holding nothing in
He had a lot of embarrassed laughter at times
He seems to have taken it well but time will tell
By that I mean I want to see if anything changes,I really hope not
At least now it’s open between me and him and a weight off my shoulders
I have moved to a different branch for a while,I actually got a chance to volunteer to help out there but can move back
It means yesterday was the first time I’ve seen him in a week and I was feeling nervous yet really looking forward to seeing him
My problem isn’t fixed though,I’m still in love with a straight man so hopefully with time I’ll be able to work through this
I’ll come back with more when I’ve a chance