How to tell my girlfriend I'm gay

LegacyUser

So the title pretty much says it all.

I'm male and in my early 20's. I've been with my girlfriend just over 3 years. I really like her as a person but I've never been physically attracted to her or any other girl.

I've known I'm gay for a long time but I've always just shoved it to the back of my mind because to be honest I just don't want to be gay. I want to have the life I've always subconsciously imagined i.e. getting older, having a family and just living my life like everyone else.

I know a few gay people and don't get me wrong I do not care if someone is gay or not. I'm not homophobic its just I don't see myself as having anything in common with any of the gay people I know. It's like I match some stereotypes e.g. listening to certain types of music or watching certain types of movies but besides that I don't think my interests match those of the gay people I know at all. And to be honest I'm not attracted to stereotypical gay people to the same extent as I'm not attracted to girls.

I feel ashamed of myself for being attracted to other lads. The best way to describe the feeling is I feel like I'm less of a man (That sounds like such a caveman thing to say but its the best way to describe it). I just feel inferior to other lads because of this. I really don't mind if someone else is gay, I would have no problem with it but when I'm talking about myself it's a different story. I don't know why I'm gay, as in what makes me different to all of my lad friends who are all straight.

The reason I'm writing this is because I don't know what to do. I don't want my girlfriend to waste anymore of her time on me because no matter how much I want to be, I'm just not physically attracted to her and even though I don't want to accept the fact I'm gay I also don't want to continue faking that I'm attracted to her.

I don't know what to do. I know its been horrible of me to fake it this long but I really did just suppress being gay as much as I could. I don't know what to do, I can't tell her I'm gay because I feel so humiliated but I don't know what else I can say. I don't want to lie to her anymore and I know even if I do its going to backfire on me because I never want to get in a situation like this again.

I just don't know what to do it feels like I'm stuck and can't think of anything that will make this turn out ok. I would love to accept the fact I'm gay and not let it bother me but to be honest even imagining that happening seems impossible.

Steviesol

Well done on acknowledging you need to o do something about it.

You are not the first person who has done this. I know a friend of mine who went the whole hog, married a girl , had kids but was gay all along and in immense pain. He has only come out now , kids are very confused . So you are getting it out there early so to speak.

I suggest you make contact with the out house in capel street, who I would imagine can give you support and arrange for someone to talk to. It's vital you talk about this.

Best of luck with whatever you choose.

hawley

If you don't really want to live an LGBT lifestyle then maybe do as much as possible to stay with your partner, especially if you want to have kids in the future. Let your partner know that you love her and want to keep her but come to some kind of compromise, such as you having a bit on the side with a guy. If you want to hide your sexuality from other people, it's your perogative.

Steviesol

hawley wrote: »

If you don't really want to live an LGBT lifestyle then maybe do as much as possible to stay with your partner, especially if you want to have kids in the future. Let your partner know that you love her and want to keep her but come to some kind of compromise, such as you having a bit on the side with a guy. If you want to hide your sexuality from other people, it's your perogative.

What a ridiculous suggestion.

hawley

Steviesol wrote: »

What a ridiculous suggestion.

Why? He said that he wants to hide it and stay with his girlfriend.

loalae

Break up with your girlfriend like. She deserves to be with someone who fancies the pants off her.

You don't need to tell her that you're gay.

Then take whatever time you need to come to terms with your sexuality.

judeboy101

Are you 100% gay? As in do you get aroused and enjoy sex with ur missus? Or do you just close your eyes and think happy thoughts?

Snotty

hawley wrote: »

Why? He said that he wants to hide it and stay with his girlfriend.

Suppose if he wants to ruin her life, then it's a great suggestion.



OP, the only gay person I know that continued the life as a straight man, left his wife at about 35 years old and really regretted not being more honest with her and himself. I think be honest with yourself first, decide what you want and take it from there

MactheKnife90

Steviesol wrote: »

Well done on acknowledging you need to o do something about it.

You are not the first person who has done this. I know a friend of mine who went the whole hog, married a girl , had kids but was gay all along and in immense pain. He has only come out now , kids are very confused . So you are getting it out there early so to speak.

I suggest you make contact with the out house in capel street, who I would imagine can give you support and arrange for someone to talk to. It's vital you talk about this.

Best of luck with whatever you choose.

Well at the time of writing this is the only reply I would take serious OP.

Look don't make any rash decisions. Do a quick Google or gain local knowledge on counselling services in your area or maybe a bit outside if you like.

Talk to someone professional. This is going to be a tough road but not a long one. You'll need someone who can help you understand what's going on in your mind better.

Take things from there. The way around this is not to do anything rash. You can get your head straight and bring your GF in on what's happening then. Timing is crucial in all of this. If your relationship is at a stage where you are planning kids or saving for a wedding/deposit for a house then you have less time but as you said early 20s I assume it's not got to that stage.

Talk to someone buddy. Don't mind people on here telling you to dump your girlfriend and stop wasting her time. That's a nonsense reply. This is much more complex than that.

WIZWEB

OP break up with the girl as recommended. She deserves somone who loves her and has a future with her. 'Fake' is a convenient phrase. You've lied and used this girl as I did when pretending to be straight years ago. It's wrong but you don't need to tell her you're gay when breaking up but you do owe her respect. She's wasted enough years on your pretense.

Seek therapy for your internalised homophobia. Your sexuality is natural and ingrained. Accept it or you'll never be happy. If you ever choose to explore your sexuality you'll realise how ridicolous and harmful your perceived stereotypes are and mostly to you as I did. You'll regret your time in a bubble and believe me you're not nearly as unique as you may think. Many of us do not fulfil any of these assumptions of stereotypes. However we must accept ourselves before we can accept others. You're going to live a very lonely life otherwise.

Rachiee

I know it feels like you can never be happy or build a happy life with a gay man but you are not
currently involved in the community and so reliant on stereotypes thinking "thats not me"...thats not a lot of gay men.

You know you will never bee fully fulfilled by your gf.You love her very much but arent attracted to her. imagine if you could fall in love with someone you are attracted to, how much better that would be for all concerned.

It would be worth getting in touch with gay switchboard and looking into counselling so that you can come to terms with your sexuality.

You say you cant see yourself having anything in common with other gay men what are your interests? Theres a running club, a hiking club, a rugby club, a soccer club, a tennis club, a bear club, a film club, a theatre group. pretty much anything you can think of its not all camp and drag. You can get married have kids do anything that "normal" couples do. Best of luck OP its a lobg journey but the sooner you start it the better if you continue to ignore who you are you will never be happy.

punisher5112

Shocking stuff really.....

Poor girl.


If you're gay you're gay so stop leading her on, then have a kid and split and you go off!!!


Seriously how can you do this to her.

brevity

punisher5112 wrote: »

Shocking stuff really.....

Poor girl.


If you're gay you're gay so stop leading her on, then have a kid and split and you go off!!!


Seriously how can you do this to her.

What?

Call me Al

hawley wrote: »

If you don't really want to live an LGBT lifestyle then maybe do as much as possible to stay with your partner, especially if you want to have kids in the future. Let your partner know that you love her and want to keep her but come to some kind of compromise, such as you having a bit on the side with a guy. If you want to hide your sexuality from other people, it's your perogative.

He isn't attracted to her. All the compromises in the world won't work. He's attracted to men. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

punisher5112

brevity wrote: »

What?

The op is gay, is stringing along his girlfriend who he is not attracted to as she is of the other sex.

He needs to stop this.

He says he doesn't know what to do and then others are saying ah sure stay with her it be grand....

Seriously like wtf.

rainbowtrout

OP a number of suggestions have been made as to where you can contact LGBT support groups and talk to someone who has experience of what you are going through. You should probably do that and start dealing with some of your feeling about being gay, whatever the outcome may be.

What I would say though is that you need to end the relationship with your girlfriend. She deserves to be with someone who is attracted to her and wants a relationship with her based on truth, not on a lie. If you choose to tell her you are gay when you break up (and if you don't tell her, she will probably hear from some other source in the future), aside from the break up itself, she is going to have to deal with the fact that she trusted you for the last three years - she built a relationship with you based on that trust and mutual respect, and assumed you found her attractive, maybe presumably even told her so in that time. And now she is going to realise that the entire relationship was one drawn out lie. What she thought was true wasn't at all. You will be pulling the rug from under her, and moving the goal posts which she can't move back. She will need to deal with the fact that she was in a relationship with a man who lied to her for three years about the relationship and she wasn't any the wiser. It isn't fair to prolong this relationship for her.

Arrival

"I want to have the life I've always subconsciously imagined i.e. getting older, having a family and just living my life like everyone else."


Ummm, you do realise that gay people can have exactly this too, right? Like, you are no different than any of the rest of us, you just happen to be sexually attracted to people of the same sex as you. Honestly, even the way you talk about not having things in common with other gay people you know is very odd, you talk as if all gay people should fit some mould. The absolutely most important thing is to be completely true to yourself and then live your life as you wish to, not according to what you think a gay person should do and be.

As for how to tell her, be sure to do it on a Friday night so she'll have the weekend to start processing such huge news. I would suggest coming out to your family before then so they don't discover this through rumours.

wiggle16

OP, you need to break up with her. You already know that. There are two aspects to this that you need to separate:

1) Break up with her, ASAP. You do not have to tell her that you're gay, you're clearly not ready for that yourself anyway.

She thinks you love her. You don't, and to find out that you never can have loved her will hurt her even worse, and since you're clearly not ready to face it yourself (or even articulate why you did it) then you should just leave. You don't need to tell her why. Just try to be as decent as you can.

2) Coming to terms with your sexuality will come in its own time and at whatever pace you choose - and right now, it can wait.

A lot of your post is quite naturally centered around your sexuality and how you feel about it right now. I understand that. But it's not going to change. It does not have any urgency to it. You have the rest of your life to figure yourself out - you cannot waste her time while you do that.

It is a separate issue from your relationship. You know you are gay, you know you should not be with this girl, and you know you need to break up with her. What you do next is not predicated nor contingent upon whether or not you can accept that you are gay or will live as a gay man. That is NOT her problem, nor should it be. You have to break up with her, you have involved her in a dishonest relationship and she deserves to be cut loose and not have any more of her time wasted.

I'm a gay guy myself, so I have every sympathy for you, and have some understanding of how you ended up here, but you have done her wrong and will not put it right until you break up with her. You can figure out how you feel about being gay at your own pace (and in time you will wonder what you were worried about, I promise) but she doesn't have that luxury.

Don't talk yourself out of doing the right thing OP, and don't let fear get the better of you. Break up with her. It's the least she deserves, and it's the biggest favour you will ever do yourself too.

Best of luck OP. xxx

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the replies.

I really do feel so guilty for this situation. I know it's been selfish of me and not fair on her at all.

I don't want to make excuses because there aren't any but I do really like her just not in the way I should. I've tried to avoid the fact I'm gay for as long as possible.

I will explain everything to her because I don't want to lie to her anymore. It got to the point I didn't even consider it lying because we do get on well and have had a lot of good times.

I couldn't feel worse about this and I know I deserve whatever hatred people have for me after they find out. I never wanted this to happen I was just going with the motions of what I thought I was supposed to do to live the life I wanted and I know that's very selfish.

fineso.mom

hawley wrote: »

If you don't really want to live an LGBT lifestyle then maybe do as much as possible to stay with your partner, especially if you want to have kids in the future. Let your partner know that you love her and want to keep her but come to some kind of compromise, such as you having a bit on the side with a guy. If you want to hide your sexuality from other people, it's your perogative.

This is one of the most ridiculous replies I've ever seen on here. It's his perogative if he wants to hide his sexuality and live in denial for the rest of his life but he has NO right to ruin someone elses life in the process. Unbelievable advice. And someone thanked your post?!

fineso.mom

OP you seem to care about ypur girlfriend and obviously dont want to hurt her. But the hurt she will feel by you ending it is nothing compared to what she would feel if you carry on as you are. People break up all the time and get over it. Its easier to get over a relationship that 'just isnt working out',than getting over feeling like you were betrayed by someone you trusted. Just tell her your feelings have changed and you're sorry but you dont see a future together. She will be ok, just like the vast majority of people are after a break up. You can sort out your own feelings about coming out after. And it will be a lot easier to do when you are single anyway. Just take one thing at a time and do the right thing by the girl, its the right thing for you too.
By the way, I went out with a guy who was gay. I was his last girlfriend. It was 30 years ago. He was honest and told me he was very confused and couldnt be with me. I got over it. He met a lovely man and theyve been together 26 years,got married last year and I was at their wedding. Neither are 'sterotypically gay'. Seriously bite the bullet and tell her so you can both start living honest lives.

LegacyUser

OP Here.

I told my girlfriend. I was honest with her. She said she suspected it for a few months. She's not going to tell anyone and she was very understanding, more so than I deserve.

I know it might take a while for her to fully get over it but we are still on as best of terms as we could be. I apologized to her and just made it clear how sorry I am and how I'm still here for her.

rainbowtrout

Fair play for telling her. To be honest OP, that's probably the best possible outcome you could have expected under the circumstances. It won't mean that she won't have to spend some time processing it herself, but you are lucky to have been with someone so understanding and supportive.

At least now that at least one person knows and is supportive, you might be able to work through your own feelings and emotions. Best of luck.

wiggle16

Fair play to you OP.

punisher5112

Well done.

Glad you done it and hopefully you both can lead happy lives.

joeguevara

howtoim wrote: »

OP Here.

I told my girlfriend. I was honest with her. She said she suspected it for a few months. She's not going to tell anyone and she was very understanding, more so than I deserve.

I know it might take a while for her to fully get over it but we are still on as best of terms as we could be. I apologized to her and just made it clear how sorry I am and how I'm still here for her.

I just want to say that you are a very brave person and well done for doing the right thing. It is amazing how your ex girlfriend reacted. One thing I wanted is to say is that you shouldn’t feel guilty for who you are. That is where self loathing can start to exist.

It is not as if you hit her, cheated on her etc. you found out about yourself which meant that although you love her you are incompatible. My advice is maybe don’t see each other for a while. Find yourself and allow her to get over the shock. Just look after yourself.

seamus

howtoim wrote: »

OP Here.

I told my girlfriend. I was honest with her. She said she suspected it for a few months. She's not going to tell anyone and she was very understanding, more so than I deserve.

I know it might take a while for her to fully get over it but we are still on as best of terms as we could be. I apologized to her and just made it clear how sorry I am and how I'm still here for her.

Well done OP, hopefully this leads to you being able to keep a strong bond with her.

I didn't see this thread but I'm amazed at the amount of responses telling you to break up with her but not tell her why. 3 years is not a short amount of time, that's a proper friendship, and there's no reason to throw it all away.

You don't get to choose to be gay. And it's understandable that you might have hidden it or refused to accept it. While most people would be sad for the end of a relationship if their partner turned out to be gay, the blow would be massively softened by the fact that the friendship doesn't have to end.

I agree with the above, she might find it difficult initially because she can't just make the romantic feelings go away, so she might need some space to come to terms with it. And when she's ready then you'll have a trusted close friend in your life.

hawley

howtoim wrote: »

OP Here.

I told my girlfriend. I was honest with her. She said she suspected it for a few months. She's not going to tell anyone and she was very understanding, more so than I deserve.

I know it might take a while for her to fully get over it but we are still on as best of terms as we could be. I apologized to her and just made it clear how sorry I am and how I'm still here for her.

Glad that you told her, well done. Are you still together and what plans do ye have for the future? Important to take a deep breath and not get carried away with it all.

Big Bag of Chips

Hawley, I don't know what your angle is here, but your advice to the OP is not constructive. He is gay. Continuing a life with a straight woman is not an option. Please read the Forum Charter at the top of the forum.

Do not respond to a moderator warning on thread. It is considered off-topic and will result in further action.

Smegging hell

Hi OP, I think you've handled this situation bravely and honourably - I wish you all the best and happiness in the future.

SimpleDimples

Op, fair play. I know of two similar cases, both were local gossip for about 2/3 weeks until the busy bodies moved on to some other news.

Of every single person I know who has came out, all were happier afterwards in the medium-long term. Some found the first year or so difficult getting used to their new reality.

So many people live a life of lies, fair play to you for being true to yourself.

JackTaylorFan

hawley wrote: »

If you don't really want to live an LGBT lifestyle then maybe do as much as possible to stay with your partner, especially if you want to have kids in the future. Let your partner know that you love her and want to keep her but come to some kind of compromise, such as you having a bit on the side with a guy. If you want to hide your sexuality from other people, it's your perogative.

Terrible advice. Just god awful.

Rubberchikken

You need to be honest with yourself and with your girlfriend.
Yes it will be horrible and sad and awful to tell her but living a lie and wirse, dragging her along with it, is beyond contemplating.
You sound like a good and decent person struggling with some hard decisions.
Get some support. Talk to someone/others who will listen in an unjudgemental way and will give you advice if you want it.
Dont try to deal with this alone.
I think you will come out of it stronger and happy with whatever decision you make but getting there requires strength and support. Good luck

Big Bag of Chips

JackTaylorFan, a moderator warning has been given to the poster. As always, if you have an issue with a post, report it. All posters are expected to post offering advice to the OP. Anything else is considered off topic.

professore

OP at the beginning of the thread you mentioned about feeling less of a man. Well in being honest with your girlfriend you did a very manly thing. Fair play to you.

My 52 year old first cousin is as camp as a row of tents and is happily married to an American who is as "manly" as you could imagine, hates all the flamboyant pride stuff and wouldn't look out of place on an oil rig crew. So not all gay men are camp and in your face.

Everyone accepts them for years now and we come from a very rural community.

metamorphosis

OP what you did was incredibly brave and honest. Hopefully this will begin to lead to acceptance. Consider some counselling through this transition phase in your life. Well done.x