Cheating girlfriend? How to approach

LegacyUser

A couple of months ago my girlfriend of 6 years got drunk at the pub and kissed another guy. I caught her in the act, an argument followed in which she defended herself by claiming the guy kissed her and she had nothing to do with it, though it looked mutual from my point of view. She got more mad about it that I did and broke it off, because I was being 'unreasonable' and 'paranoid'. She's always been flirty with other men, which always made me uncomfortable but I let it go because I assumed it was just her having a bit of fun and nothing more would come off it.

After breaking up, she wanted to get away and clear her head and went on a holiday with a friend of hers, after which she came back to me and apologised profusely and Tom responsibility for her mistake. I decided to give her another chance and everything has been going okay since...until now.

Today, I saw a message on her phone from this friend she went on holiday with commenting on all the guys they 'made out with' on holiday. I froze. I haven't said anything yet, and don't know what to do.

Technically we were broken up, but we were broken up because she threw a fit over me confronting her for doing something wrong. So can I count this as another betrayal, and more cases of cheating on me? I don't know how to confront her about this as I shouldn't really have been looking at her phone, but I guess I did because I don't really trust her anymore and I suspected all along that a holiday with this particular friend was always going to be about going to the pub and picking up men. I don't think she slept with anyone, but definitely made out with some. I'm so angry at the moment, but want to approach this as cool and calm as possible. If I admit I was looking at her messages I'm kind of a bad as her in a way, admittedly.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know if you have to confront her or not, really. But you can decide whether or not you want to still be with her. People have their own 'deal breakers' in relationships, and it is perfectly acceptable for you to admit that everything that has happened has changes your relationship, that you no longer fully trust her, and you are no longer happy.

You don't have to stay with her if it has become such hard work.

Confronting her is likely to end in a row/breakup anyway. You can save yourself the hurt by just skipping to the end.

EagererBeaver

Break up. Have been in a similar situation before. She's a cheat and not worth it and it'll mess with your head for years to come.

It'll be tough but take it on the chin and move on with the rest of your life.

judeboy101

Gf of six years, op? Move on and move up. Life's too short for bad cake.

racso1975

She could argue you were on a break while she was on holidays but either way it seems too much of a head wreck. You don't want her flirting etc that's probably not going to change. Why wait for more grief

Arrival

You don't need to explain to her that you read those messages. Just cut contact completely. I wouldn't even give her the chance to speak with you again, block her everywhere and move on with your life. Even if you met in person I wouldn't interact, just act like they're a ghost. She sounds like trash and you seem like a decent, forgiving person given the fact that you were willing to continue with her after that. Go find yourself a girl that actually respects you and has morals and leave this **** in the dust wondering what's happened

irishkopite 2011

Ask her if she was with any guys on the holiday and see what she says

Big Bag of Chips

I'd also think how unlucky was she that the only time in 6 years that she drunkenly kissed another fella, you happened to catch her. I doubt it was her first time, but maybe it was the first time she forgot you were there too, or maybe she'd gotten away with it before and got a bit cocky. Enjoyed the excitement of possibly getting caught.

Either way, your relationship can't go back to what it was before this. So you have to decide do you stay, or go.

Degringola

As I've answered before on these kind of threads, OP, is this behaviour acceptable to YOU?
Follow your gut.

All the best.

Calypso Realm

Actually, the first thing that struck me is this is a rather odd thing to put in a text someone! OK I don't know the context but even so......

More especially given the reason for your recent relationship problems...I would certainly have been a lot more cautious about sending something like that!

How old are you two?

Augme

You shouldn't have taken her back in the first place. However, I don't see how you can get angry over what she did on holiday. Obviously not nice to think she was with other guys, but she was single and free to do whatever she wanted.

fatherted1969

Run!

Idle Passerby

Technically ye were broken up so it's none of your business what happened on her holiday. However your allowed to decide it's not acceptable for you.

I don't see how confronting her about it would do any good though. Your either willing to let it go or you aren't, the bigger issue is whether you trust her anymore and that's for you to decide.

Ursus Horribilis

Gerrit Komrij wrote: »

I shouldn't really have been looking at her phone, but I guess I did because I don't really trust her anymore...

The bolded bit is the crux of the matter. You don't trust her. Once trust is gone and you're gone down the road of checking her phone, there's no way back. It's obvious from what you've written that you've always tried to see the best in her. You've told us she has always been flirty with other blokes but you don't think it ever went any further. Now that you've seen that text, you're telling us you don't think she slept with other blokes on the holiday. Do you really believe in your heart of hearts that all of the above is true? Or that if you broach the subject with her, that she'll be truthful?

People who cheat on their partners very often minimise what has happened and lie. Her claiming that this guy she kissed in the pub "happened" to come onto her is textbook cheaterspeak. As is her turning it all back on you and accusing you of being paranoid and unreasonable. From what I can see, you have been more than tolerant.

ManOfMystery

As expected, a thread like this will have a lot of "Technically you were broken up...." replies. I would say it too.

However, when you're in love and emotionally invested in a relationship, logic and technicalities don't always factor. She cheated on you - big betrayal on her part - then she compounded matters by trying to shift the blame to you. And after that, she decided the best way to repair your 6-yr relationship was to go on holiday and snog loads of other men.

All of these things are massive red flags and display a complete lack of respect for you. If I'm honest, I suspect she knew the holiday was coming up and forced the whole issue about blaming you/breaking up so that she could actually go and snog other guys 'guilt-free'. Maybe I'm wrong though. 

Either way, my advice would be to preserve your self-respect and end it. Don't be a doormat for anyone, ever.

JeffKenna

Augme wrote: »

You shouldn't have taken her back in the first place. However, I don't see how you can get angry over what she did on holiday. Obviously not nice to think she was with other guys, but she was single and free to do whatever she wanted.

Ah come on now, of course he has a right to get angry over what she did on holidays. A girlfriend of 6 years broke up with him right before she went on holidays because he saw her snogging another guy, went off with a load of fellas on said holiday and was bragging about it to the friend after. Says a lot about her moral compass and what respect she has for the relationship.

OP - Try to look at this from an outside perspective, if it was on of your friends or family this happened to what would you be telling them?

Mr. Incognito

Hello there

Long relationships loose that romantic spark and excitment of something new. It enters a stage where things are familiar and comfortable and parites are there for each other. It is rich and rewarding.

But she sounds like she is looking elsewhere for that new excitment. It's hard but thats the sacrifice that we make when we are in relationships

Sounds like she got it out of her system on her holiday and is now happy to settle back down again until the next instances.

Personally I would have a serious talk. 6 years is a lot to throw away but depending on her attitide so is the next 50 years of your life.

Kenny B

I remember in our mid 20's, my wife's friend was flirting with a guy at work, her boyfriend at the time was a lapdog for her and she engineered a break up, went off and had the fling and then took the boyfriend back and never mentioned what went on.
She still treats him like a lapdog but hasn't been with anyone else since (afaik). She's the absolute boss in this relationship and always will be, walk away as technically she did nothing wrong but she's a wrongun.