No sex drive so how can we make baby no 2?

LegacyUser

Long time poster/reader so going unreg for this.
Hubby & I are together nearly 20 years, married nearly 10 years and still like and love each other. Always had a good healthy sex life.
Just over 4 years ago we had our beautiful daughter. Pregnancy went smoothly, the birth not so much but from the beginning our daughter has been a dream - sleeping through the night after a few weeks, ate and drank fine, very happy and content and has brought us so much joy.
The downside is it took me a LONG time to physically feel right after her birth. Our sex life has dwindled to on average once a month - if even that.
My husband has been incredibly patient about this and we have spoken about it at length.
We have agreed we would like to try for another baby but obviously you can make an omelette without breaking eggs but I don't know how to get out of this funk.

I have been to my GP who did a load of different tests to rule out thyroid/hormone issues and they all came back clear so he thinks it's just one of those things.
I guess I'm asking for any advice or just want to write this down because i feel like I'm going around in circles talking to my husband.
Should I maybe talk to a sex therapist and if yes where would I find one or should I go to a gynaecologist? Any advice or even hints or tips that would help would be appreciated.

Thank you

zapper55

That is really not good enough that your doctor's answer, after the tests coming back clear, is that it's one of those things. It obviously is having quite an affect on you.

Can you go to another doctor for advice? Not sure if this is allowed but I've found Suffolk St surgery in the city centre brilliant.

Some physios deal with this area of sexual health. I don't know maybe a gyne could help too. I'd definitely be going to another doctor first though.

lukesmom

Its actually quite common for libido to decrease at certain times. Have you tried a supplement? Higher nature SX Sensuals should do the trick. Make sure you are exercising too its great for boosting libido. But the supplement contains a high level of arginine which helps the blood flow to those organs.

qwerty13

Not being smart, but I don’t think making a 2nd baby is the immediate problem by a long shot - I think solving the issue re your lack of sex life is the far more pressing issue.

You’re right, your husband has been very understanding. But 4 years of understanding is a lot. An awful lot. What if the same happens again after baby no 2? That’s the bones of a decade of being understanding. I’m not sure any marriage can survive that.

I’d think long and hard re trying for baby 2 even when you do solve the problem with your sex life. You need to reestablish the intimacy in your marriage first. Otherwise you are in danger of becoming 2 good friends who have 2 children together.

eviltwin

I think it's very telling you frame sorting out your sex life in terms of having a child. It's a means to an end.

Your sex life is as important a part of your relationship as everything else and you should be trying to sort it out to enhance intimacy, saying you want to fix it so you can have another baby is very mechanical - maybe that's not how you mean it to sound.

Is there any intimacy between the two of you at all? Do you kiss, cuddle, go on dates etc?

Magicmatilda

There are physios out there that deal with this. I know of one in Milltown, Dublin and another in Ballinen, Cork. Problems with sex after babies is hugely common but nit really talked about. There is no need to suffer in silence. Also your GP seems remiss,in not recommend ing this. If you find someone local to you, update your doctor so they can start referring.

tara73

OP, are you sure there is no underlying psychological issue? You said the actual birth of your daughter wasn't good, could it be you are afraid of another difficult or even harmful childbirth and therefore subconciously avoiding sex ?

And how's your attraction to your husband? do you find him still attractive? plays a huge role in the sex drive too and it could have changed over the years but you don't want to admit it.

I have to say I'm not a great believer in actual physical conditions like hormones regarding change of sex drive. I think it's mostly psychological.

Maybe it's worth to have a look there and even some counselling might help you to find the root of this problem.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you all for your replies.
To try and answer some of the questions, yes I am still attracted to my husband. We have regular date nights and lots of kisses, cuddles and other intimacies.
After our daughters birth, I was warned by GP, midwives etc to not go again for at least 2 years so part of me was terrified to have sex in case I fell pregnant but we did manage to get back to some semblance of a normal sex life.
I suppose I phrased it a bit wrong but the priority is to get back some way towards what we used to be like and if we fell pregnant then that would be a bonus!

I'll try and get an appointment with a therapist/counsellor and in the meantime try some supplements.
Thanks again all x

qwerty13

Are you really sure that your husband is on the same page as you re another baby? I can somewhat understand your fear of getting pregnant within the 2 year window. But there’s contraception. And even double contraception (pill / coil & condoms). But it’s 4 years now. That’s 2 years where it wasn’t a health risk at all.

This is a big deal OP. There have been many threads on here re people (mostly men) being in sexless marriages. And questioning whether they’d leave, or look elsewhere. No moral judgement on that from me. But it is a big deal. I don’t think it would be remotely advisable to try for another baby until you figure out and solve what the issue was re your lack of intimacy in the first place.

I would not bet on your marriage surviving if you became pregnant again without solving the underlying issue first

Magicmatilda

Desperate in Drimnagh2 wrote: »

OP here. Thank you all for your replies.
To try and answer some of the questions, yes I am still attracted to my husband. We have regular date nights and lots of kisses, cuddles and other intimacies.
After our daughters birth, I was warned by GP, midwives etc to not go again for at least 2 years so part of me was terrified to have sex in case I fell pregnant but we did manage to get back to some semblance of a normal sex life.
I suppose I phrased it a bit wrong but the priority is to get back some way towards what we used to be like and if we fell pregnant then that would be a bonus!

I'll try and get an appointment with a therapist/counsellor and in the meantime try some supplements.
Thanks again all x

Honestly at least try a physiotherapist who specialises in womens health. After all the vagina is a muscle, if any other muscle experienced that much trauma it is physio you would go for. Not affliated in anyway but I had similar issues for years an that was what worked.

Rachiee

It definitely sounds more psychological than physical. Sex is a really important part of life and your relationship with your husband so its definitely worth spending a few quid talking to a sex therapist to try get it sorted. The IACP have a website that lists the contact details qualifications and area of interest of all their members you can use it to search to find a therapist jn the area convenient to you. It might be a good place to start. Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP again. Thanks again for all your replies.

I rang the Coombe (back to where it all began) this morning and after a good long chat with one of the midwives, I have made an appointment for a physical exam just to check that everything healed the way it was meant to etc
She also gave me the number of a counsellor that they use for most post partum issues (PND etc) to see if that will help.

My husband has been amazing as usual and is delighted for me and us that we're getting sorted. He has booked us a trip to Lisbon for our significant wedding anniversary in early December so I'd love for us to really have a second honeymoon in every sense (sorry for TMI)

Thanks again all for taking the time to reply x

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